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Life Is Mostly Froth and Bubble

2010-12-25T00:34:00.003-08:00

It had been another stifling day in the West Australian 'wheat belt' - and we were not yet adjusted to the sun's implacable demands on our energies. An early night seemed the solution, but we soon found sleep impossible. The sun may have set, but its memory lingered - with a vengeance.

Brainstorm number one that night was to wet two thirsty bath towels, wring them out, and lie on top of them. This was delicious. We turned ourselves regularly to be well done (or, in this case, well cooled) on each side. A few hours and some light sleep later, we needed to repeat the procedure, but we didn't mind. Anything was worth this welcome relief - no matter how temporary.

Suddenly, we were both abruptly awake again. A miracle was happening. A soft breath of air came floating through the tall, slim French doors of our bedroom, gently caressing our bodies.

"It's a breeze, I think!" I whispered to my husband.

"Shh-h-h. Don't say it out loud. You might frighten it away!"

And so we waited - quietly, nervously, hopefully. We barely breathed. And it was a breeze - slowly but surely getting stronger and cooler. We couldn't have been more quietly triumphant had we won a lottery. If the wet towels had made Life tolerable - then this was unadulterated bliss.

I remember stretching luxuriously like my beloved Tammy cat, my hands sliding over the now cooling sheets. As my brain lazily noted that the sheet felt strange somehow, my nose registered something else - and I exploded with a monster sneeze that brought us both wide awake.

Our wonderful 'oh, so cool' relief had arrived complete with a full-blown dust storm! I sat up in our bed as it rapidly transformed into a grimy, gritty version of a sandpit. Paralysed by stupendous sneezes, I was powerless to help my husband close first our bedroom doors and side window, and then every window in the whole house.

When he turned on our bedroom light, I wished he hadn't. The famous Australian RED dust hung above us in a threatening cumulus formation, and we could barely see each other across the room. For a while, until it all waffled down to rest, we could only sit and use the wet towels as breathing filters, and eye-moppers. The heat became excruciating, trapped within these thick old stone farmhouse walls. Somehow it all seemed twice as bad now we knew it was cool (though filthy) outside.

And so, brainstorm number two evolved. We obviously couldn't start a clean-up of this magnitude with parched throats and soggy, dripping bodies without some cold liquid (preferable alcoholic - for Dutch courage and sustenance). But of course - my newly brewed Rhubarb Champagne was IT! The very thing! In an instant, it was transformed from a 'treat' into a desperate necessity for the well-being of flagging spirits and will-power.

"I know it's a BIT young yet," I said airily, 'but it'll be cold - and that's really ALL that matters."

My 'significant other' momentarily looked doubtful.

"Three days old! That's a BIT young, alright."

But the thought had been planted, and necessity won the day. He disappeared, and then returned in an instant, with wine glasses and a bottle of my 'brew'. The glasses were put on my bedside cupboard on top of the several centimetres of deep grit that shrouded everything, and he sat on the edge of the bed to prise out the cork. It was tight, and a bit of a struggle ensued, until suddenly, shockingly - the cork simple exploded out of the bottle, together with half of the contents!

Little on my side of the room escaped its lethal aim - the glass-topped dressing table with its huge mirror, the bed, the floor, the window - and of course - US! Nothing, it seemed, was immune to its pale pink stickiness. Fortunately, we saw the humour in this impossible situation, and fell about laughing hysterically until we were even more exhausted. I say fortunately, because when we were finally composed enough (with a little help from my brew) to really study the damage, we could have wept - if we'd had the energy (or any moisture left to spare).

Wherever even the tiniest drops of my 'champers' had landed, the dust had been turned into mud spots. Our bodies, our bed - in fact, almost everything in the room appeared under siege from an attack of red-brown killer measles. But the clean-up had to be faced, before we could even dream of sleep!

I shudder to think of our 'copability' without the remainder of my famous (or was that infamous?) Rhubarb Champagne - on the inside of us, in lieu of 'wearing' it. In truth, memory suggests another bottle or so was required before cleanliness and deep sleep claimed victory. But we won't go there. Suffice it to say, they were opened with respect and gentility - and success!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christine_Larsen

Outsourced - It's Hilarious

2010-12-25T00:34:00.001-08:00

I just love watching movies and TV shows- I'm the perfect couch potato, and my favorite genre is comedy. There are so many TV shows that I love - from The Simpsons to South Park. But today I'm going to talk about the new show on NBC- Outsourced.

We all get phone calls from companies asking us if we want to buy a certain product or not, but now its time we can step in their shoes and see what they face in their everyday lives.

It's all about outsourcing call services. What are the various setbacks that a team faces while trying to make it a success, what kind of problems come during business operations, how to impress clients etc. are some things that we can get to know about call centers and their functioning.

And the best thing about this show is that it is really believable- not like some high ended unbelievable storyline with out-of-the-world incidents. I can tell you this, since I have seen some call center companies up close. There are some famous call center companies like Global Response and Customer Link One - they face many similar scenarios as those illustrated in the show.

For example, the major part of the show is about how the company's employees adapt to the customer's requirements and respond to their requests. I have seen the employees of the GR and CL 1, and they behave pretty much in the same way.

The show revolves around Todd Dempsey who handles his call center employees and teaches them how to handle their customers. Each employee has a different personality, and this is what brings humor to the show. This show premiered on 23 September 2010, and is based on the movie of the same name.

If you are tired of the same old sitcom scenarios- I know I am- then you can switch to Outsourced. It's a new show and it is hilariously funny. If you have ever worked in a call center company, or have looked at one from close, then you can easily relate to this show, and you'll find it even funnier.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Stacy_C_Craig

To Be or Not to Be: A Gloved Dilemma

2010-12-25T00:33:00.002-08:00

Cozy entity of variable sizes shielding our evolved paws; gloves do come handy in asepsis and fun.

My first encounter with this simple yet complicated adage was in undergrad when I had to assist in an open cholecystectomy. After the ceremonial wash, I was asked to get decked up to be an assistant. Gown yanked over me by the OT nurse, I set out to wear this flimsy material the right way! Copying each detail to perfection after 4 failed attempts at the right technique, my short lived elation at conquering the non latex world was interrupted by the head surgeon who handed me the liver retractor. What the surgeons managed to fiddle with, at the depths of a black hole beneath the liver, still beats me. Ok,I knew it was the gall bladder and I knew it had a pebble in it and I knew it had to be taken out... yes... but the metal hands worked in a hole while all I could see was a retractor over a liver making my job a tad boring.

Over the next agonizingly long hour riddled with frequent orders to retract the liver well, I couldn't help but move into my own realm of my new friendship... sterile gloves. Me judging its stretch ability was interrupted by the surgeon's irritated look into my eyes as if to say, "will you please focus!".The surgery ended with fixing the patient's abdomen sans the dud of a bladder.

Internship provided so many gloved moments in catheterization to blood work to wound dressings etc. The second skin we wore on, was actually fun!

Cut back to anesthesia as a fresher... elective OT. Challenges in terms of oral secretions, lignocaine jelly, plaster, dynaplast proved tough to get past. Airway device secured, I was asked to fix it over the mouth with medical grade adhesive tape. Yanking at my gloves and on the plaster, the tough ordeal was somehow completed amidst smiles and comments from my seniors. "Next time", the head told me, "take your gloves off during fixation."

Another life changing moment happened after an awareness week about hospital waste management. We were asked to minimize the pairs of gloves used each day. A consultant coming up with this brilliant idea of tucking the still in use pair of gloves onto the waist belt led to unbelievable scenes. Moments of pure horror filled our daily monitoring duties... Pair of gloves tucked under waist belts of well-endowed roly-poly horizontally unchallenged waists undulating in synchrony with the blips and beeps! Add to this, the dexterity required in wearing used gloves, obtaining hand exercises in our daily schedule and we had our hands full for sure.

A mundane thing such as a glove can't be so interesting to talk about! You say... Ask an anesthetist and thy shall be amazed. Seniors get a kick out of quizzing juniors now, don't they? "Should u wear 2 pairs of gloves on to finish with painting and draping before spinals?" they ask. Wearing one pair ceases to be aseptic and wearing 2 holds potential for talc induced meningitis! Think about the glove decked gyrating hips or the praying mantis pose of sterile gloved hands or perennial questions we endure and you will agree with me.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Prash_Subbu

Celebrated British Caricaturists - Part One

2010-12-25T00:33:00.001-08:00

This list includes both British born artists and those who were born elsewhere but did most of their most important work in the U.K. The selection is listed in chronological order by date of birth.

William Hogarth (1697 - 1764)

He was born in London and apprenticed to an engraver where he learned his trade. He became a painter, printmaker, pictorial satirist, social critic and editorial cartoonist and has been accredited with pioneering sequential art or the cartoon strip.

His output ranged from realistic portraiture to comic strip-like series of pictures called "modern moral topics". His most renowned works are no doubt " The Harlot's Progress and "The Rake's Progress".

Isaac Cruickshank ( 1756 - 1811)

Cruickshank was a Scottish painter and caricaturist who was born in Edinburgh. Cruikshank's first known publications were etchings of Edinburgh "types", from 1784.

His water colours were exhibited, but in order to make a living it was found that it was more lucrative to produce prints and caricatures. He was responsible in part for creating the figure of John Bull, the nationalistic representation of a solid British yeoman.

Isaac Cruikshank was a contemporary of James Gillray and Thomas Rowlandson, and he was part of what has been known as "the Golden Age of British Caricature.

Thomas Rowlandson ( 1756 - 1827)

Thomas Rowlandson was an English painter and caricaturist. He was born in London and after he finished school he was educated at the Royal Academy. He was considered a promising student and if he had sustained his early application he would have made his mark as an artist.

But he inherited 7,000 from a French aunt and dived into the distractions of the town (he was known to sit at the gaming-table for 36 hours at a stretch).

He quickly squandered his inheritance but the friendship and examples of James Gillray and Henry William Bunbury seem to have suggested caricature as a means of filling his stomach and purse.

He also created a collection of erotic prints and woodcuts, lots of which would nowadays be considered pornographic.

James Gillray (1757 - 1815)

James Gillray was a British caricaturist and printmaker who gained great fame for his etched political and social satires, mainly published between 1792 and 1810.

Some of his most well known caricatures were directed at the Royal Family and George III in particular. He is also responsible for almost certainly the most famous political cartoon of all time.

It was entitled "The Plum Pudding in Danger'. It was printed in 1805 and depicts Pitt and Napoleon carving up the plum pudding of Europe.

By 1811, madness, no doubt exacerbated by his excessive life-style, was overtaking him and he died in 1815.

George Cruickshank ( 1792 - 1878)

George Cruickshank was born in London, the son of the famous caricaturist Isaac Cruickshank and began his working career as apprentice to his father.

He later started out as a caricaturist in his own right and was even paid?100 in return for a promise not to caricature George IV

In later life he switched to book illustrating and illustrated "Sketches by Boz" and "Oliver Twist" for Charles Dickens.

After creating palsy he died in 1878. Punch in his obituary said "There never was a purer, simpler, more straightforward or altogether more blameless man. His nature had something childlike in its transparency."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Owen_Jones

Famous British Caricaturists - Part Two

2010-12-25T00:32:00.000-08:00

This list includes both British born artists and those who were born elsewhere but did the majority of their most important creations in the U.K. The selection is listed in chronological order by date of birth.

Max Beerbohm ( 1872 - 1956 )

Sir Henry Maximilian "Max" Beerbohm was born in London, son of a wealthy Lithuanian-born grain merchant. His family gave him he nick-name of Max and that is what he signed himself in his work and was known as for the rest of his life.

Beerbohm was educated at Charterhouse School and Merton College, Oxford but finished without taking a degree as he was already well established as a caricaturist and humourist.

He had an incapacity to draw hands and feet but excelled at heads and his dandified figures with inflated heads quickly became his trade-mark. The Times newspaper in 1913 described him as "the greatest of English comic artists and he was variously hailed as "the English Goya" and "the greatest portrayer of personalities in the history of art"

Henry Bateman (1887 - 1970)

Bateman was born in New South Wales, Australia of English parents who returned to England soon after he was born. He learned art at Westminster School of Art and the Goldsmith Institute.

His style matured early in life and by the age of 17 it was already mature. He gained a contract with Tatler magazine but is best remembered for his "The Man Who......." series of cartoons. These depicted hapless people who had committed mostly upper class social faux pas. "The Man Who lit his Cigar before the Loyal Toast" is a prime instance.

Sir David Low (1891 - 1963)

Sir David Alexander Cecil Low was born in New Zealand and educated in Dunedin and Christchurch. He started his professional life in New Zealand and in fact his first effort was published when he was merely 11 years of age.

He later moved to Australia and next to England and by 1927 was working for The Evening Standard. He is best remembered for his caricatures depicting Hitler and Mussolini both before and during World War II. In fact, generations of New Zealand school children studied about the origins of the Second World War using textbooks illustrated by Low.

He was especially hated by Hitler and after the war it was uncovered that his name was in the "Black Book" which listed those who the Nazis wished to arrest after they had occupied Britain.

Low was knighted in 1962, a year before his death. His obituary described him as "the dominant cartoonist of the western world"

Ronald Searle (b. 1920)

Ronald William Fordham Searle was born in Cambridge and began drawing at the prodigiously early age of five and was working professionally by the age of 15. The War interrupted his art studies and he joined up with the Royal Engineers.

He was serving in Singapore when he was captured by the Japanese. He was a prisoner of war for the rest of the war ultimately working on the infamous Siam-Burma "Death Railway". He produced, in secret, many drawings depicting conditions in the camps which survived discovery by being concealed under the mattresses of dying prisoners.

He came back to England at the end of the war and produced a prodigious volume of work in the 1950's and 60's. However he is best known as the originator of "St Trinians School".

Gerald Scarfe (b. 1936)

Gerald Anthony Scarfe was born in London and as a child was badly asthmatic. During his early bed-ridden years he busied himself by drawing. He began his working life in advertising but by the early 60's his caricatures were appearing in "Private Eye" and that led to a job with the "Daily Mail".

But it was his effort with the British rock group Pink Floyd for which he is most known especially the illustration for the cover of their 1979 album "The Wall".

Searle also provided the caricatures for the opening and closing sequences of the well-liked BBC comedy "Yes Minister" and in 1998 he drew caricatures of Tommy Cooper, Eric Morecombe, Joyce Grenfell, Les Dawson and Peter Cook which featured on a set of five British postage stamps celebrating British comedians.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Owen_Jones

Hire A Comedian For Your Office Party

2010-11-11T23:01:00.003-08:00

You might be arranging a year-end convention, annual meeting or special occasion gathering? Wouldn't you wish to have the best event to recollect ever? In that case throw out the red carpet and have everyone energized for the entertaining get together show, where your employees are the stars. A few of the many items to take into consideration before getting a comedian, or any style of enjoyment, for your corporate event will be talked about below and are essential that someone organizing this celebration must remember.

Who is in the Crowd?
Your co-workers and personnel are the reason that you are throwing your company celebration, without them you would not be having anything to enjoy - you probably wouldn't have a business in any way, therefore it is crucial that you examine your viewers in general and ensure that practically nothing in the chosen artist's ability will offend any person sitting in the crowd.

As the person given the task of arranging fun for your event, there is no reason good enough to risk working with a performer that could hurt your group. Regardless of what kind of occasion you're planning, you can't go wrong having a humorous comedian who makes their show clean. Some fundamentals to step away from are: profanity, religious beliefs, race and sex. Most of these can be quite irritable that shouldn't be brought up in the workplace, so they must not be brought up in an event help for the people in the workplace either.

The Reputation of the Performer
Just as you don't want to use the service of a comedian who will touch on things that may hurt some of your employees, therefore, you should not hire a comedian without experience in this sort of setting. Operating the stage at a corporate event and working the stage at a wide open microphone evening at a seedy bar are two contrasting things - that's not to imply that a comedian who performs at clubs and bars can't effectively perform at a business event, however, you would like someone with proof of accomplishment in these types of events. A great reference coming from another or many other, business events provides you with a good suggestion whether the comedian you are considering can perform nicely in the occasion that you are having. It's not going to take you more than a few minutes to evaluate a few of those corporate referrals to find out exactly how the comedian that you are considering performed.

Hire a comedian if you'd like your business celebration to be a great victory, a thing that your entire staff truly appreciate and will discuss favorably for the foreseeable future. Laughing out loud acts as an interpersonal bond, and restores a good feeling to all who share the experience. The way to ensure this is to do your research and hire a comedian who is humorous and clean and who has a good track record with several other corporate event performances. If you get it right your employees will definitely thank you for reminding them to laugh out loud.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jodi_Cressy

Hire A Comedian For Your Holiday Celebration Victory

2010-11-11T23:01:00.001-08:00

Hire a comedian as part of the holiday party planning when September month comes in. Most companies have started considering selections before, reviewing funds and brainstorming options for their company holiday party celebration. Consistently organizing and running a corporate holiday celebration that's both fun and revitalizing can be very tough. Thankfully there are tons of excellent suggestions available that will make your Christmas celebration a big success.

Having a comic is fantastic way to enjoy the end of the year and your worker and company accomplishments. It's also a terrific way to just relax outside the office, come together and be amused. It's not always simple for everybody to be having a great time at work simultaneously. Whenever everyone is enjoying themselves, friendships strengthen naturally.

Whenever you hire a comedian you just need the essentials: a stage, lights, sound system and chairs for your viewers and above all your crowd and the comedian itself. You ought to ask yourself the following issues for these basics:

1. Have you got a good quality PA sound system for the show?

2. Will there be a stage and lights?

3. Will the viewers be seated?

4. Is the occasion self-contained or closed? There should be no external distractions such as noise, public roaming through and others.

5. What type of laughter do you think your viewers like? Political satire, daily humor, sight gags, audience participation, etc. Make sure the comedian understands exactly what you would like. Make sure you see videos of their act. If you are not really laughing out loud, your guests won't be either. A great comedian will spend time talking to you about the crowd and walking you through their jokes. By the time you make your mind up, you ought to feel 100% confident that the comedian's act will be appropriate and 90% confident that the crowd is going to be rolling in the aisles laughing.

6. Where does the comedian squeeze into the event? Is he/she the main event or perhaps the initial ice-breaker?

7. How long would you like the act?

While stand-up comedy is usually informal in nature it is always best to regard shows as theatrical events instead of similar to live music or street performance. Comedians like to be paid attention to and like to be heard and seen without having to compete with fruit machines, juke boxes, giant screen football or other party in the next room.

Hire a comedian to give your staff and co workers the advantage of laughter. Laughing at a comedy show is a healthy way to reduce tension. People need a way to jointly show their enjoyment. Laughing provides a vacation from the everyday worries and woes. No more bored audiences rather they will be receptive, involved, and reacting through giggles, applause, and peals of laughter. By the end of the show your co-workers will feel rejuvenated and re-energized. They will readily convey to you their satisfaction immediately after the event and through the following days.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Luanne_Reyes

Funny Quotes - Share It to Your Beloved Ones

2010-11-11T23:00:00.002-08:00

The best moment in life can be said as presenting the funny quotes to your friends or to your beloved ones. This kind of happiness will create an unforgettable moment in life. In order to forget stress in school or at work, friends join together and share all funny quotes and enjoy their life. If you have plans for partying, then you can always call up few of your best buddies and have a wonderful party. You can feel relaxed by sharing all wonderful moments to your beloved ones or friends rather than keeping it in your mind.

Recently, funny quotes are also shared through internet and there are people who will forward certain funny mails to their friends online. If you are at work for a project in some other country, then you can always stay connected through internet with your beloved friends and share up your funny quotes. Particularly, Facebook as well as Orkut has become a wonderful way to stay connected with friends at anytime, any day and anywhere. If possible, try to share all of your jokes in your work environment. It is very important to be responsible while at work but definitely, there might be some time to have big entertainment while on lunch hours or at tea break. The best way to make it more live is that try to have a competition between the employees on who is giving the best funny quote for the day and the winner will get rewarded for a free lunch from other colleagues.

It doesn't matter where you work or at what time you work; take at least some 15 minutes time to think on what all you have done that makes you laugh. You need to accept a fact that emotion plays an important role in people's life that creates fun as well as sad moments.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dennis_Moore_Hopkins

The North Pole Is Canadian

2010-11-11T23:00:00.001-08:00

About two or three years ago the Russians planted their flag on the North Pole. By doing so they claimed it for Russia. The Canadian government dismissed it as bogus. After all, this is the 21stcentury and you can't go around planting flags all over the place. The North Pole is Canadian because the colors of Canada are red and white and so are the colors of Santa Claus. Every Christmas, Santa leaves the North Pole to deliver toys to kids all over the world. When he is on his way, Norad scrambles their best fighter jets to plot Santa's course to let kids around the world know when he is about to arrive in their neighborhood. Usually, the first jets scrambled are those of the Canadian Air Force. It is they who make sure Santa files a proper flight plan and gets off to a good start. During the rest of the year nobody gives a hoot about Santa and the North Pole.

When the Russians planted their flag on the North Pole, Canada took note. However, because Canada is such a peaceful nation with limited resources for an armed force, the Canadian government was soliciting ideas on how to best protect our North Pole. One noteworthy submission was made which did not involve new taxes on the population in order to equip a new polar defense force but makes use of what is already available at the pole. On the North Pole we have Santa Claus, Mrs. Santa Claus, nine reindeer and an unknown number of elves. The Canadian government conducted a census of the exact number of elves on the North Pole but have not released the official results. However, a leaked document stated that the elves were virtual slaves, working long hours with no pay. All of the elves, according to the leaked documents, were quite happy making toys for the kids for less than in China. The toys they do make were safer and contained no poisonous ingredients. In fact, the elves said that they would not pack any toys made in China into Santa's sleigh next Christmas. The Canadian government, fearing retribution from China, will probably insist that the elves continue loading toys from China into Santa's sleigh. Santa and the elves are probably going to rebel and not deliver Chinese toys, no matter what the Canadian government tells them.

The leaked documents also stated that Santa was goofing off for most of the year. The reindeer also came in for considerable criticism for playing all those silly reindeer games. However, Mrs. Santa and the elves were praised for all their hard work. In addition, the leaked documents stated that Santa, if he wanted to continue residing at the North Pole, had to help with its defense. The Canadian government ordered Santa Claus to get off his fat fanny and make better use of his time. Therefore, Canada will supply and equip Santa's sleigh with the latest in rocket technology and Santa Claus will patrol the skies over the North Pole every day except on the 24th and 25th of December. He has been ordered to attack any Russian or other intruders the minute that they appear. After a few patrols, Santa Claus and the reindeer were quite enthusiastic about their new expanded role. Rudolph, in particular, was really excited when he learned that his red nose would be converted into a laser. He was quoted as saying," It sure beats playing all those silly reindeer games ". It seems it is a win-win situation and everybody is happy except those intruding on Canada's North Pole. Santa Claus will continue wearing his traditional red suit and deliver toys to the kids around the world on Christmas. The person who suggested the use of Santa Claus and the reindeer in the defense of the North Pole is to receive the Order of Canada for his novel idea.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Peter_Sontowski

Demotivational Posters Can Motivate Your Health

2010-11-11T22:59:00.000-08:00

So what is a demotivational poster, and how can it help you? Demotivational posters are amusing or sarcastic versions of the typical motivational poster. Motivational posters are posters that are designed for schools and offices that are supposed to affect the way we behave and feel.

They are typically strategically placed to cause us to make better decisions and be more productive. Demotivational posters, however, are created to amuse us and make us laugh. They can help us relieve stress, increase our overall health, and give our friends a little pick me up during an otherwise stressful day.

Stress can cause many physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, insomnia, eating problems, cramps, backaches, stomach issues, stiff necks and more.

Studies have shown that when you are stressed, you are more than 50% more likely to suffer a heart attack, and twice as likely to suffer from diabetes. Your body releases cortisol, the stress hormone we have all heard so much about, and it wreaks havoc on our bodies.

We need a way to decrease our stress levels in order to stay healthy. Demotivational posters can help do just that!

You may be asking how a poster can affect your health. The answer, quite simply, is laughter. Studies prove that laughter really can be the best medicine, and the demotivational posters are sure to make you laugh.

A good chuckle can relieve tension and relax your muscles for up to 45 minutes. It also causes the release of endorphins, which are chemicals that make you feel good and even relieve pain. Laugher also keeps us healthy by increasing the function of our immune system, thereby reducing our susceptibility to disease and illness.

And laughter is good for your heart, because it increases blood flow and improves the way your blood vessels function. Just by taking time out to laugh a few times a day, you could improve your health by leaps and bounds. Why not check out the internet and take a minute to laugh right now?

It is easy to lose yourself in the amusing demotivational posters that others have created. You can pick your favorites and share them on MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and more. This can help provide a dose of this essential laughter to your friends as well. You can also quickly and easily create your own demotivational poster for all to see one several demotivational sites.

First, select your photo. You can upload one of your own, or you can choose a picture from anywhere on the Internet. Then insert the text you have chosen, and your demotivational poster is ready to share! You can also edit the text on the preexisting posters to better suit your taste and have a world of laughter.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jesse_Louis

Making Your Own Clown Shoes

2010-06-26T01:56:00.007-07:00

Like the red clown nose, this is probably one of the most important pieces of a professional clown's clothing. But you can not afford the money for a pair of deluxe leather clown shoes.

So it's now time to make your own clown shoes.

But how do you start out to make yours?

Feel free to pick up some ordinary sneakers, the bigger the sneaker, the better for this project. Now go wild and decorate it

* color them with bright paint, the brighter the better

* Sew on some buttons

* Add some stripes with paints or sewed on ribbons

* Add some polka dots with paints or sewed on

* Glue on some little items, like plastic flowers (something that relates to your clown's character)

Instant Clown Shoes

They are high top sneakers with the name of Chuck Taylor's and are made by Converse. And they come in several styles. Price is thirty dollars to sixty dollars. Buy a pair of size 22 or larger, put them on and you have Instant Clown shoes.

Other Ideas

Glue a normal-size shoe inside a pair of size twenty-two shoes! That way, you get to wear a comfortable pair, and still look like a clown with really large shoes. Or just do one as a size twenty-two and leave the other shoe as a normal size

Or put the right normal-size shoe inside the left clown-size shoe, and vise-verse. This looks like your feet are reversed. You will get stares and double takes from people as you walk around in these shoes.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steve_Finch

Making Money Online the Easy Way - Working 24-7-365!

2010-06-26T01:56:00.005-07:00

Luckily, I don't need much sleep. I have this idea in my mind that will not let me rest. Even though there are a billion and a half money making ideas out there with business models to back them up, including all the requisite websites, I know I've got something that can edge its way right in there. I can and will make money online hand-over-fist the easy way: 24/7/365. Success will not elude this guy. Am I delusional? So?

Here's all you do: sign up for everything, close your eyes very tightly, and hope a miracle happens. That's what I've been reduced to. Keep throwin' the ol' hat in the ring. Take another swing for the fences. We can all be Don Quixote if we want to!

No kidding aside, maybe I would actually make more money if just quit spending it on "Hopes & Dreams, Inc."That's a little fictitious name I have for where my head has always been at. I view myself as part entrepreneur, part fool. It's the perfect combo. But, isn't anybody who's ever become wildly successful been pretty much equal parts of each?

I mean, you gotta be pretty "out there" and off the wall to have that great idea in the first place. And, you need to be kooky and funky enough to get noticed. We've all seen this. But, we never think it can be us. Well, I do. What the holy hell, aye?

Consider doing what I do: stay sober and dream like there's no tomorrow. I figure the day I quit dreaming and hoping means I am no longer living.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Grant_Gerver

What If They Could Build Seat Specific Aircraft?

2010-06-26T01:56:00.003-07:00

I'm comfortable on my lounge. I'm the same way on the floor in front of my TV. I'm even comfortable sitting at my work desk.

I'm not comfortable squeezed into a domestic low cost carrier economy seat. For the 98% of us who look for the cheapest seat to get us there, what alternatives do we have? Call me precious. Call me soft and call me a snob. Just don't subject my less than flexible limbs to the pretzel intricacies required for such flying.

Having recently flown on several low cost carriers, I'm here to tell you a chiropractor should be costed into the ticket price. How you would extricate yourself in an emergency is beyond me. Even if I was prepared to pay for a technologically infused and heated pizette, I couldn't physically fit it into my body. Monty Python jokes aside, I'd likely burst as I tried to squeeze the food into my mouth because there was no more room for anything. Big breathes were a challenge.

I see a bright future for specific seat size passenger jets.

Talljet. Thinjet. I'm on a diet fromNextweekjet. The list goes on and is only limited by the imagination of the marketing department and the need to find a niche market and isn't that what the airlines are looking for?

The airlines need to start thinking about differentiating themselves via the above. Thinjet will get you there in style in the ultra comfortable thin seats that guarantee you an armrest every time. What about the fittest of the fit flying on Fitness Firstjet, only wheat grass drinks and carrot sticks? Or a Weight Watchersjet? Or a Footballersjet that could be hosed out after each flight. There could even be Tripledeckerjets for vertically challenged passengers. Think about that height bar at Disneyland at the start of many rides. As long as you fit under this bar, you can fly on this plane. Three levels on the A380 is certainly not out of the question.

Specific information would need to be supplied and carried on your frequent flyer card. At the airport you would need to fit through a frame similar to what they have now for your carry on luggage to make sure you are boarding the right plane.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Oliver_Tams

Say, Isn't That BILL in the Display Case?

2010-06-26T01:56:00.001-07:00

Well, kids, I know where I'm going when I die. I'm not talking about anything supernatural or metaphysical...I'm talking about the physical reality of death and what's gonna happen to this old, Parky body of mine.

I MAY be coming to a Medical School near YOU!

That's right, boys and girls. My body, my Earthly remains, this vessel I've been using to walk around with since 1955 will revert to the Anatomy Gifts Registry at the moment I shuffle off this mortal coil. Got a nice little letter and two laminated cards to prove it. The letter thanks me for "my admirable decision to help advance medical science and education." The cards give instructions for what Gail should do the minute I curl up my toes and stop responding to outside stimulus.

WHAT TO DO AT TIME OF PASSING

(That's cute. "Passing." Like I'm an NFL quarterback. "GO LONG, JIM! I'LL HIT YOU NEAR THE PYLON!")

1. Death should be confirmed by proper authorities (i.e., call 911).

Good idea! I might just be taking a nap. Hate to have to disappoint the AGR people when they show up with the wagon, only to have to tell them I'm not dead yet. Best have these things confirmed by experts first.

2. Once death is pronounced, CALL AGR, not a Funeral Home.

Again, good idea! The last thing we want is for some funeral home guys standing around getting into fist fights with the AGR guys over who gets the carcass.

3. If there is no letter on the front of the donor number on this card, AGR must obtain a telephone consent from the legal next-of-kin.

No worries there. We have a letter in front of my donor number. It's a "W".

4. Once consent is given, AGR will make all necessary arrangements with a local mortuary service to assist in the body donation process.

That means they'll send someone they trust to pry my corpse out of the bathtub, or wherever it may happen to be when the angels come calling.

THEY HAVE EVERYTHING COVERED AND TAKEN CARE OF!

They'll pick and choose what to chuck or use. My brain could wind up in a brain bank somewhere for further study of Parkinson's disease. My spine and other joints could go to an orthopedic college to be used to study the affects of osteoarthritis. My liver and kidneys could be donated to some institute to determine how well they filtered the gallons of scotch I've consumed in my lifetime. I try not to think about my intestines being used as sausage casings or other such inappropriate uses, which AGR swears will never happen because they will treat my body with respect and dignity until they burn the scraps and ship them to Gail.

And none of this will cost her a cent!

Hey, ya gotta die sometime. And rather than put my family through the morbid and macabre ritual of the American funeral where everyone comes to get a glimpse at my nicely embalmed corpse while they talk about me like I'm not even THERE (which, of course, I won't be), better this old jalopy gets used for parts.

It's the SCIENTIFIC thing to do!

Now, let's just hope this isn't the opening chapter of some Stephen King-like novel where I start seeing a black van with the AGR logo following me... waiting... watching... and what will they do when they get IMPATIENT?

Brr...

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bill_Schmalfeldt

Don't Play Chicken With Your Colon

2010-06-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

Of all the lessons I have learned in life, one of the most important is this: "Don't play Chicken with your Colon!!" For those of you who don't know what a game of "Chicken" is, I will explain. "Chicken" is often portrayed in movies when two people, both of whom are operating a vehicle of some sort like a car, a motorcycle, or a submarine (See "The Hunt For Red October"), decide to aim their respective vehicles at one another in an effort to see who will turn first. Obviously, the first person to turn is the "Chicken."

In the movies, this reckless display of machismo may seem like good fun, especially since there is usually a woman watching the contestants. Once the winner is determined, she then thinks "Wow! He just won a game of Chicken! I wonder what makes him tick? I wonder if he'd like to know what makes me tick?" And a few scenes later the "ticking" inquiry has been resolved.

Now here is the important tip of the day: "This does not work when your opponent is your Colon!" I know you know what I am talking about. It's happens when you are, say, studying in the library, and you get that faint feeling that you may need to hit the bathroom. Or maybe you are at work, and that Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast just isn't playing nice with the rest of the food in your stomach. That's how the game starts, because you think to yourself "Hmmm, I can hold it for a little while, and use the toilet in the privacy of my own home." And then your Colon responds "Uh, hey pal. This is the warehouse calling. You've been storing up for the last 24 hours, and Overstock.com is rejecting our offers to sell. eBay won't let us log on, and speaking of "logs" even our posting in the "Free Stuff" section of Craigslist doesn't work. You're gonna have to go... NOW!"

When your Colon says this to you, your next response is critical. If you say something stupid like "Hey, I am in charge here, and you'll tough it out until I say its time!" well, you're in for a fight that will not turn out well for you, my friend. And trust me; there will be no Babe who has viewed this game of Chicken that will want to come anywhere near you.

On the other hand, it is also a good practice to avoid the opposite mistake of saying "Mr. Colon, you're right, and I will now drop everything and find the nearest commode." If you do this, your Colon will become more hyper than a Yellow Lab who sees you going for the leash! Trust me; you won't make it to the door!

It's best to take the lawyerly method. Simply stand up and while aimlessly walking around think to yourself "Mr. Colon, taking your offer of immediate evacuation under advisement, may I propose a counter offer, of a short delay with a promise to never again eat 5 day old chicken, hamburger, or undercooked eggs. In addition, I will workout on a regular basis until I have achieved a 6-pack set of abs. I will also buy flowers for my wife." Now here is the key, by making the terms of the counter offer as lengthy as possible, you have now bought yourself time to get to a stall. Maybe it's long enough to drive home, maybe not, but at least you maintain control. And don't worry about making good on all those promises, when the Colon goes to demand enforcement, you have a built in technicality. You can just tell him that it was merely a proposed counteroffer that became moot once you hit the can.

Law School Tuition: $120,000

Book and supplies: $10,000

Living Expenses: $45,000

Tricking Your Colon by Using Effective Negotiation Tactics: Priceless.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Todd_Kuhnen

10 Funny Questions That Boggle My Crazy Mind!

2010-03-01T05:07:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been asked a question that well... just startled you a bit because you never in your mind thought of asking that yourself? How about being asked something that would really make you thing and leave you puzzled a bit, simply because - you think you know the answer, but you're forced to think again? (Make any sense?)

As with all funny questions, the element of humor is there, but you'd appreciate them more because they all involve everyday living. And since we're all accustomed to it, these queries never or rarely crossed our mind for a bit - until now. Which is why you're here, isn't it?

Here's the first 5. Get ready to be perplexed:

* If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?
* If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk?
* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Kinda makes your head go round right? People who love this kind of humor are definitely way cool. Being able to see something in the mundane and ordinary and turn it into a "healthy laughingstock" is very much a talent.

Before you start answering the above questions, here's the next five so your brain can go into overload:

* How do the skittle company people know what a rainbow tastes like?
* How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
* If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?

Enjoy busting your mind out!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jeff_M_Walker

Tips on How to Be Funny

2010-03-01T05:05:00.002-08:00

To be a funny person you have to see things differently then most people. If you are in your living room realizes that there is more going on then just you on the coach watching TV and your relatives trying to steal your chair and change the channel.

Funny is happening now as we speak there is something going on that you can point out and laugh at. Example: You and your wife are leaving to work and she only made coffee for her self, she bends over to pick up her bag and you quickly take the coffee and run to the car. Now this is not funny for your wife but someone else watching the scene would have laugh.

In any situation when things are not going your way then change the frame. When someone makes fun of you turn it on them. You have to be able to think on your feet. Example: if a girl tells you "I don't like ugly guys" then tell her "well, I don't like ugly woman but with you I thought I would make an exception."

If that guy you don't like tells you "you are such a loser, when will you learn" then simply say "when your mom is done teaching me." Now some of these might seem a bit too rough but you get the idea here. If you watch comedy central you will see that many comedians can deliver a line with style and quickly. Develop a character and out that character in different situations.

To be funny you have to be open to new ideas and while you are at it try to see it in different way. Once you start making jokes you will start getting ideas out of no where.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Anderson_Martinez

Twittering From the Final Frontier

2010-03-01T05:05:00.001-08:00

Boldly Go... and Twitter It!

Well, it had to happen. As we reach for the stars, it is only natural to take our vices, addictions and foibles with us into the great unknown. Expedition 22 Flight Engineer T.J. Creamer got on Twitter from the International Space Station! That's right, he was twittering from space. First, Capital Hill and now the great unknown. We have truly arrived at the edges of technological silliness.

Until now, astronauts were restricted from Twitter for obvious reasons - they were just too far away to get on the Internet. So, if they wanted to send a Twitter message, they had to relay it to someone on Earth who would then post it. It would be e-mailed to support personnel who then transferred it manually to the astronaut's Twitter account. That is no longer necessary.

Just like John Glenn's famous words: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." became a phrase recognized around the world and down through time, @Astro_TJ sent the first tweet directly back to Earth.

It went like this: "Hello Twitterverse! We r now LIVE tweeting from the International Space Station - the 1st live tweet from Space!:) More soon, send your?s"

This was made possible by a new technology called Crew Support LAN which uses existing communications connections to and from the space station. It will give astronauts the access to surf the Internet and send private communications. It is all part of a program to improve the quality of the missions and help with issues associated with isolation on long missions.

Bureaucracy still holds true with this new form of communications as astronauts are government employees and as such subject to all the rules and regulations that entails. While they can send and receive email, use Internet telephone and a small amount of videoconferencing, they still need to maintain a level of professionalism.

When the Space Station is communicating at a high level, the crew can still have access remotely by logging into a ground computer and use the ground keyboard.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Judith_Allison

What is the Bottled Water Cooler Really For?

2010-03-01T05:04:00.001-08:00

Consider for a moment one of the undisputed icons of the office environment. I refer of course to that totem of colleague interaction, the bottled water cooler. Surely few items in history have taken such an ingrained place in the nation's psychology, yet there is a problem - what exactly is it for?

Ha - I hear you say: surely the clue is in the name. You can get much clearer than that can you? This must be a place were hard working workers can go to enjoy a cool thirst quenching glass of H2O. What could be simpler?

But is it? Water may be the given reason for including a bottled water cooler in an office. After all, who wants workers passing out due to dehydration? Not many to be sure. But it is so much more than that. Its most vital contribution is to provide non smokers with a much needed break from the screen. This is one of the great injustices of office life - the clear priority often given over to smokers in the office environment. All they have to do is imply that without nicotine they may somehow lose the capacity for rational thought and suddenly the world is their oyster. They get a break almost on demand. The rest of us soldier on regardless.

Now I don't smoke, but I do like a drink. But do they install a mini bar in the kitchen where we can gather mid morning? No. Instead what we have is the bottled water cooler, the one place we can get a screen break and complain bitterly about our lucky smoking co-workers.

It all leads you to wonder if this is exactly what the inventor had in mind when he came up with the idea in the first place. Who were they I hear? Well, we can trace the water cooler back to Halsey Willard Tailor and Luther Haws who came up with the first drinking fountain in 1911.

This was a far cry from the magnificent machines we know and love today. In fact back then man's only way of cooling down water was to supply it in large blocks of ice. But soon he put his ingenuity to discovering a machine which could do this automatically and once the ball was rolling there was no stopping it.

Today's water coolers offer an almost unrivaled array of possibilities. Made from the finest materials they remain an indispensable part of any office. So let's raise a glass the water cooler. Where would we be without it?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dominic_Donaldson

Facebook Users Eat Each Other's Faces

2010-03-01T05:02:00.000-08:00

A recent study of users of internet lifestyles replacement sites showed that over 23% of Facebook users were dead or in a state of undead ness often referred to as Zombies, or romerus morbis brainicus. The first clue was compiled by Miss Sandra Fretting from the US Census bureau, who noticed Facebook's cancellations brought on by mortality, or the extreme lack of it, were non-existent. Either Facebook had cured cancer, or something was amiss.

A probe by the Secretary of Commerce revealed that when a Facebook subscriber dies, their account is left active, thus allowing retailers to finally access the undead demographic, long sought by commercial brain harvesters and hog farmers. In addition, American Apparel has introduced a line of pre-tattered clothes for the Zombie on the go.

The number of zombies versus the entirely dead is unknown. In addition, many users have simply stopped participating, though still alive. But in the last twenty four hours, 3,789 people have died in this nation. How many were Facebook users? And will they rise from the grave to play Farmville again!

A local funeral service has extended it's services to cove their Facebook aspect of the after life, hosting and holding services for friends online and live. Special Groups are formed by the Mortuary to share memories of the departed. "This helps us take our sorrow to a place where it will exist forever. And that's what good service is all about, eternal suffering! At least, that's what Jesus said." The son of God could not be reached for comment.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=John_W._Poole

College Comedians - New Comedy For the New School

2010-02-02T06:45:00.005-08:00

Forget testing your routine at a new comedy club --or, you know, your grandparents' basement. What a new comic needs is one of the toughest venues in the world: college. College comedians are a prized commodity at bigger universities who have the budget to hire entertainment.

It may seem a stretch, but universities are looking for the next big thing. Most comics starting out may try to avoid universities like the plague, thinking they're saving themselves for superstardom before they "step down" to pleasing a bunch of drunken college co-eds; however, the truth is some of the harshest and most ruthless critics are students. They're on the brink of adulthood and want to flex their big people skills by giving anyone who crosses their path a hard time, especially those who are to entertain them. This isn't in any way to deter college comedians from performing for them. This is only to give you a taste of what's waiting for you as you begin your domination of the stage and your drive to win over the crowd.

Let's cut to the chase. Universities are going to go with the most popular thing they can afford. Because not every school has the pull to book the top comedians, an up and coming college comedian is just the right price and the right amount of green for their budget. You'll have to face the fact --the most you'll be paid is between $2500 and $5000. However, any college event planning committee is going to expend a great deal of energy promoting you --after all, if they want their money's worth; they're going to need to reach as many people as possible. College radio, newspapers, and news shows reach a vast array of people in the community. Your name and face will be plastered everywhere; everyone will know you're coming.

New comedians need as much exposure as they can possibly get. If one goes the college comedian route, they'll be sure to gain a wider fan base, if not a cult status amongst college and university students alike. College comedy shows are also the perfect venue in which a new comic can promote herself. If you would like anyone to join a mailing list --by the way, if you don't have a website, get one, quickly-- you won't be disappointed. There's no publicity like free publicity.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=John_Yoder

Standup Comedy For Tough Audiences

2010-02-02T06:45:00.003-08:00

Hopefully, these tips will help you get an edge on the competition.

First of all, you need to do your research and know your competition. You can learn by watching guys like Leno and Letterman on TV. These guys are on top for a reason. They're current and they're good. Besides watching pros on TV, go to the local comedy clubs as often as you can and compare yourself to the guys performing there. If your routines aren't as polished as theirs, then you have a lot of work ahead of you. Pay attention to what kind of material they use, and take notes on what goes over well and what doesn't.

Secondly, you want to get yourself a manager. This is someone who is paid to help you develop your career. He will tell you how to get gigs, and what to do once you've got them. If you have a good manager, he will be brutally honest and tell you if he thinks you have a chance of making it. For this reason, you should perform your routines for him before you perform for anybody else. This way, you'll really know where you stand.

If you're serious about getting into standup comedy, you may want to consider consider taking formal standup or improvisation classes. These classes will actually teach you how to deliver a joke. Think about it. The difference between a hilarious joke and one that falls flat is all in the delivery. Standup comedy classes will help you with your delivery so that your jokes get the laughs.

In order to make it in the standup comedy business, you have to have the right attitude. You need to believe in yourself, and have thick skin. Not everybody is going to like you, and you may even get booed off the stage or hit by a few rotten tomatoes. If you do, use them as learning experiences and figure out how to get better.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Simon_Cad

Learning Standup Comedy - The Facts

2010-02-02T06:45:00.001-08:00

There are a few things you need to know before you decided to do comedy routines.

First of all, you need to know your audience. It doesn't matter how good your routine is if it isn't a good match for the people you are joking with. Don't tell risqué jokes if you aren't sure that your audience will appreciate it. A nursing home might not be the best place to try out your newest R-rated routine. So know your audience.

Keep your jokes current.

This is most important if you are doing current events or political comedy. Jokes about Nixon won't go over if your audience doesn't remember when he was in office. This goes along with knowing your audience. You want to make sure that your material is as relevant as possible. If you think this will be a problem for you, then go with more generic material.

Lastly, you need to practice. A great routine is no good if you lose your place halfway through. Tell your jokes in front of a mirror and study your delivery and timing. Try using different tones of voice and facial expressions. Then tell your jokes for friends, and ask for their honest feedback. Listen when they tell you what works and what doesn't work, and pay attention to what makes your friends laugh.

If you think you can make it in standup comedy, you need to know that it isn't easy. You need to know the audience you will be performing for and keep your jokes current. Once you have that, you need to practice your routine until you've got it down pat.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Simon_Cad

Laughter - The Natural Way to Manage Stress

2010-02-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

Do you remember what it is like to hear the sound of children laughing? It is joyous, carefree and full of wild abandon. Do you remember the last time you laughed like that? Unfortunately somewhere during our transition from child to adult, we are taught to "grow up," to "be dignified," and worst of all to "wipe that silly smile off your face!"

We become "adults" who face all of our "adult" responsibilities with solemn faces and heavy hearts. Today our lives are more fast paced than ever before. As a result, most of us at some point begin to feel overwhelmed by life. Feelings of sadness, anger, and depression are often the result.

However, in all of the ways we are advised to manage stress, laughter, though appreciated, is rarely seriously considered as an antidote. Yet it is nature's own way of healing our bodies and emotions - and what a powerful coping mechanism it is!

Many studies have been conducted on the actual physiological effects laughter has on the body including:

* Activating the release of endorphins, the "feel good"chemicals of the body.
* Protects the functioning of the blood vessels by increasing blood flow, which can help to prevent heart attack plus other cardiovascular problems.
* Decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection fighting antibodies, thus boosting the immune system.
* A hearty laugh relaxes the entire body, alleviating physical tension. Muscles have been shown to continue in a relaxed state for up to 45 minutes after.

Additionally, laughter also has numerous positive emotional and social effects including:

* Making us more attractive to others
* Adds to the overall enjoyment of life
* Helps to defuse potential conflicts
* Encourages teamwork
* Strengthens relationships

Okay, now that we know how powerful an effect laughter has on us, how can we incorporate more of it into daily life? One of my favorite tips is to purchase a cd of your favorite stand-up comedian and listen to it during your daily commute to work.

For those of you who have children, join in with them when they are at play. Who says that play is just for kids? Playing with your child is just plain stress relieving fun, plus it will strengthen your bond with your child! Another excellent tip is to watch reruns of your favorite funny movies or television shows. Reruns of comedy classics such as The Cosby Show or I Love Lucy will make you laugh no matter how many times they are viewed.

Also, reread funny stories or books whenever you get the chance. The point is to exploit every opportunity you can to add more balance to your life by increasing your joy. It is easier than you think, but the benefits to your well being can not be measured.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Terez_Williamson

How to Cure Fomo

2010-01-10T10:34:00.005-08:00

Fomo is a relatively unknown yet extremely common disease that infects many travelers in nearly every country of the world. Left untreated Fomo can lead to unpleasant physical effects including increased anxiety, sleep deprivation, irrational behavior, cold sweats, and depression.

While a small amount of people are immune to its effects, Fomo is a highly contagious disease that is often transmitted verbally without any physical contact. Travelers are often infected with Fomo early in their vacations, and are often plagued by its affects for the duration of their trips. Fomo is not limited to travelers however, and can infect anyone who meets the simple criteria for infection. While its effects are not often long term, a person can be infected with Fomo many times throughout their lives. It is estimated that Fomo will infect 9 out of every 10 people before the age of 25.

Chances are you yourself may have recently been infected with Fomo.

What is Fomo?

Fomo stands for (Fear Of Missing Out) and is the leading cause of stress among travelers. A traveler may be struck with Fomo anytime they wish go to sleep while others are still partying, anytime they decide to lie on the beach while others go to explore a cave, or even anytime a trip to the washroom is made with the possibility of missing a cool bar fight.

Fomo can affect different people in different ways, but is a disease often filled with anxiety and uneasiness over not being present for a specific event. The worst fear for someone suffering from Fomo is the phrase "Man you'll never believe what happened to us!!"

For some who have missed out on multiple unforgettable experiences and incredible stories, Fomo can be more prominent than the fear of death.

Ways to cure Fomo

- Say yes to every invitation no matter what it is.

Ensure you tag along for all adventures to minimize your possibility at missing out. Example:

Traveller A: Hey dude we were wondering if you wanted to come with us to-

Traveller B: YES!

- Only sleep during non-peak hours (4-9am)

Sleeping at any other time can lead to missing out on awesome stories or cool adventures multiplying the effect of Fomo in future cases.

- Throw your own parties

If you host parties at your own home you'll be able to remain at the center of all the action and never have to worry about leaving before the party's over.

- Ensure you are always dressed and pumped for action at any time

An unforgettable moment can arise at any time without warning. Wasting time 'getting ready' on your way to such an event is unacceptable. Ensure you can leave and be on the road towards the action in no more than 7 seconds.

- Keep a strong line of communication

You never know when your friend will call you screaming about an awesome cat fight that just started between two hot blondes. Ensure effective lines of communication are open to you at all times.

- Have a better adventure than everyone else

The absolute best way to avoid Fomo is to have your own adventures and ensure they are more awesome than everyone else's. It is impossible to fear missing out on someone else's fun when you are creating an even more unforgettable story yourself! This however can cause your friends to be infected with Fomo therefore spreading the disease.

Together we can beat Fomo

With these simple steps you can help stop the spread of Fomo and ensure you do not fall prey to its harmful effects. Educate others about Fomo and the ways to prevent or cure it. Together we can beat Fomo and live full healthy adventurous lives.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Devin_Licastro

Why Santa Needs Travel Insurance

2010-01-10T10:34:00.003-08:00

With the largest toy factory in the world, an army of elves and a red velvet fur-trimmed suit, it appears that Santa has everything he could possibly want for Christmas. However, if Mrs. Claus wanted to get him something really useful then she couldn't go amiss with a cheap travel insurance policy. Here are five very good reasons for Santa to take out insurance before heading out on Christmas Eve:

Drunk and in Charge

When Santa flies over America they give him milk and cookies, but when he flies over the UK things really start to heat up with lashings of whisky and mince pies. Roughly 7.4 million families in UK have dependent children and as you can imagine that equates to a lot of whisky!

We imagine that Santa is used to driving in the North Pole, which Top Gear recently discovered had no drink-driving laws. In the UK and US Santa could receive a fine or even a night in the slammer if he was found to be drunk and in charge of a carriage. With 12 unruly reindeer to look after whilst inebriated, we doubt even Rudolph's nose could guide him out of this one. But, with a cheap travel insurance policy, Santa might have his legal costs covered if the worst came to the worst and he was taken to court.

Missing his mode of travel

Rudolph gets a rather disproportionate amount of carrots, when compared to the other reindeers and this has got to create a few stirrings of jealousy amongst the herd. In the event that the reindeer were to get into a ruckus and scarper, Santa could claim on his cheap travel insurance for the distress caused by missing his preferred mode of travel. After all he'd have to wait a very long time for another reindeer-drawn sleigh to appear on the roof-top.

Missed Baggage

Santa may have made his list and checked it twice, but if he were to lose a few gifts in the blizzards of the North Pole, then they'd be some very upset children around the world. Luckily for Santa, missing baggage is definitely something that he can claim for on his
cheap travel insurance policy. Sadly he wouldn't be able to get the gifts to the children before Christmas, but with so many excess presents we're sure that Santa wouldn't have any problem finding a suitable replacement in his stash.

Breaking and Entering

Breaking and entering is a serious crime, but surprisingly most people don't mind if the perpetrator in question is a Mr. S. Claus. But Santa's had a lucky break so far, and all it takes is a modern day Scrooge to stop him in his tracks and then it's straight down to the nick for him. We're not sure that there's a valid defence to breaking and entering, but with a possibility of up to £25,000 worth of legal cover on some cheap travel insurance policies Santa could certainly afford the best representation available.

Food Poisoning

We're not sure that anyone anywhere would wilfully poison Santa. However, the big man does eat an awful lot and with a mince pie at every house in the UK, chances are that there will be a bad one. In Bulgaria, tradition dictates that a carp is left out for Santa Claus and when you add that in the mix, food poisoning seems almost inevitable. Luckily for Santa much of Christmas Day and Boxing Day are spent sleeping, but if Santa had made any plans that he had to cancel as a result of food poisoning, then his cheap travel insurance would allow him to put in a claim for loss of enjoyment.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Patrick_Chong

Quoth the Vasectomy Doctor, - "Nevermore"

2010-01-10T10:34:00.001-08:00

Recently, a very close friend of mine decided to make the ultimate contraceptive sacrifice for his marriage. That's right men. The big "V", a vasectomy.

I, er, my friend, thought that it would be no big deal. Snip, snip, snip, you're done. Safe sex, at least in terms of a monogamous married couple. No one detailed the prolonged period of cold anxiety sweats that would have to be endured prior to the actual operation, or the weeks of pain during rehabilitation to the most personal, scary and misunderstood area of a man's body. By the way, in the interest of decency, I will set a sophisticated, yet clinical tone to this tale and refer to that area as "THAT AREA."

Oh sure, my friend was Mr. Cool walking into the urologist"s office. He'd made an appointment the day before. The first clue that this experience would be more like having red-hot 6-inch screws power-drilled up his nostrils than getting a pedicure was when the receptionist asked him to pay for the work in advance, as if a vasectomy patient could run away before the cashier could get his money. The next step was pretty standard, signing a release form. The signing did give him pause to reflect when he realized he was releasing the doctor from any responsibility - this doctor who was wielding needle-pointed and razor sharp instruments in "THAT AREA." What if he was hung over? Or late for a golf date? What if he in a hurry to see his mistress after the operation? From that point on, though, this "minor operation" became for "THAT AREA" a twilight zone of terror. After all, many scientists and other smart people (actually, mostly just women) consider "THAT AREA" to be the epicenter of a man's soul, the core of his being, his switchboard to life. But that may be going a bit too far (or not).

My friend was led to the operating room by the nurse. He was told to strip from the waist and lay down. She would be back in a minute, she told him. My friend raised his eyebrows. Where were you when I was single, he thought. (Let me clarify for anyone who is ready this, including my wife. I wouldn't have thought that at all, but my friend possibly may have. But I don't even know that for sure.)

My friend dutifully followed the nurse's instructions. Moments later she returned with shaving cream and a razor, a long, sharp, glistening-in-the-light, straight edged razor. Immediately the sweat started beading up on his lip. "I prefer an electric razor, if you don't mind," he said to the nurse. The nurse glared at him, slowly shook her head from side to side, and smiled malevolently. She proceeded.

In a matter of minutes my friend was as bare as a newborn in "THAT AREA." That part over, he was relieved. "It probably won't get any worse than that," he thought, reassuring himself. Then the doctor came into the room. He picked up a scalpel and a hypodermic needle. The scene shifted into slow motion. He moved toward my friend. "Would it be possible to just sacrifice a few limbs to a fertility god, and get the same results?" my friend stammered. The doctor smiled ghoulishly. "In a manner of speaking that's what we're going to be doing." He laughed. Lightning flashed through the window. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" my friend remarked. The doctor continued with his labors. "This might hurt a little bit," he said as he drew his needle, making the understatement of the century, in that puckish manner all doctors seem to have.

For the duration of the operation, "AHHHHHHHHHHH" became the operative phrase, so to speak. Much to the astonishment of my friend, as the love life threatening work continued, the doctor and nurse carried on a conversation about every banal subject known to man. (I might mention, though, that the nurse did happen to bring up the subject of a logging company. Personally, I think it was Freudian. No brag intended, for my friend, that is, of course.) For several days after the operation any quick movement brought excruciating pain to the precise area that a man instinctively feels the strongest aversion to avoid pain. For the first time in his life my friend went out of his way to avoid stimulation in "THAT AREA."

As agonizing as the whole event was (and women think childbirth is tough - HA!) it was definitely worth it. At least that's what my friend says. Now with his newly vasectomized parts, when he makes love to his wife he feels like a movie star in an action-adventure movie - he can shoot his gun all he wants, but no one ever gets hit.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steve_Yeich

Asking For Driving Directions - Man's Kryptonite

2010-01-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal: boys like trucks and fast cars; girls love anything pretty and pink; and men - you know it's true - simply cannot find the will within themselves to put away the over-sized map and stop to ask for driving directions. This is just the truth. There, I said it.

If, perchance, they actually find themselves making the stop to ask the taboo question (I 'dunno, crazy things happen sometimes) then your fellow will 9 times out of 10 come back with a scowl on his face complaining that the store clerk is an idiot. So as we girls learn to understand and accept this irrefutable fact of life (much like we submit dutifully to our monthly visit from "Aunt Ruby"), we must become savvy in dealing with the "car bandit" in a more pro-active way - trust me, save your breath and focus on getting to the destination before the party is over and all the food is gone.

In lieu of insisting that you MUST get in the driver's seat, there's one extremely easy method that, in it's preliminary stages, appears to work magnificently. Be warned however, that there might be unpredictable reactions from your guy - like disorientation and selective absentmindedness (yes, he'll claim that he doesn't know what you're talking about if you bring it up). Here's the plan: Okay, so it's undeniably clear that you're lost (that is, is clear to you). Start behaving as if you're in the car by yourself - scoot toward the window like you're taking a nap; do a puzzle, sing along softly to some music - anything that makes a show of your being completely oblivious that anything is wrong. No matter what - do not even glance in your guys direction. If he happens to ask you to look at a map, say "Okay!" in a very cheerful voice and as soon as you pick up the map and begin to unfold it, quickly tell him "Oh, I really have to go to the bathroom badly - I've got a cramp, can you please find somewhere to stop?!"

And while you're waiting for him to find a gas station, do a little lavatory shake like children do when they really have to go potty. When you get to the gas station, head directly to the rest room and wait again. If it is not feasible to do that because folk are waiting (or if it is just really unpleasant... It's a gas station after all), then come out of the restroom and at a leisurely pace, skim around the store, picking out a few things.

Now here's the vital part - by this time your man has possibly approached somebody for directions. Regardless of whether he has or not, you need to now inconspicuously approach the counter and ask for directions on your own. Jot down notes if you can because your guy certainly did not do that if he asked first. If he catches you and tells you not to trouble with it as he has already gotten the directions, say "Oh, yep I know, but the clerk told me he didn't needed to add one more thing." Quickly finish writing the directions down (and try not to pay attention to the bewildered look on the cashier's face).

Now you've got 2 sets of directions (yours of course is the correct one) and you're on the road again! And, with some luck, you'll make it to the party with time to spare. Remember though, your fellow will not have a memory of this little incident. But he WILL wax on about the route he took and how much faster it was than the driving directions he originally got from the party host. Try this one out for yourself ladies and never arrive just in time to take home a doggie bag again! You can thank me later. Safe travels!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Guenther_Page

9 Tips For Successful Slacking!

2009-12-24T23:28:00.001-08:00

Now folks these are my trade secrets! Ordinarily you'd have to pay for this or I'd have to kill you or a combination of the two. If you ever want your boss to think you are working tirelessly then this is right up your alley!

1. Aggressive typing. When your boss walks by start hammering at your keyboard while looking intensely at the screen. Ignore all external stimuli until they walk by.

2. Filing Frenzy. You will need to pull a few files out of your cabinet and set them beside your table. As soon as the boss walks your way, get up and begin to file them where you originally got them. You will look productive.

3. Refuel. Keep a depleted cup of coffee on your table. When you see the big boss coming, get up and go and refill. Coffee is the fuel of productivity. Also remember to throw in a cheesy line like, "hey hey hey jet fuel!"

4. Stress out. Stress out about something. Or rather, perfect the act of looking stressed out. Grit teeth, place your hands on your head, smack your head into the table, throw a stapler across the room. The boss will think you are stressed out because of all your hard work and commitment.

5. Be Mr/Mrs Efficient. Pick an employee you dislike. Let us call that person Lesley. Make up a task you have to do and go tell the boss you are almost done but you are just waiting for Lesley's part (genius I know!).

6. Excel in all things! Transfer information into Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet. If you get any information simply transfer it to an Excel Spreadsheet. You will look smart and organized. Plus you can show off to the boss by showing them a pie chart of employee attendance by department at bowling night.

7. Fake Phone calls. A phone call is a sign of industry. Call your best friend and when the boss walks by, talk about how you need a TPS report ASAP or PRONTO. ASAP and PRONTO are good Caucasian words to use in this instance.

8. The PDF monster. Print out a document in ADOBE pdf format. It will take dog years to actually print and you will seem industrious. This is also a perfect time to use technique 3 and get more coffee for the two hit combo.

9. Re-organize. Stand up, dash out of the room and return with a huge box. The box should contain material associated with productivity like: staplers, calendars, paper clips, baseball bats etc. You decided to "re-organize" your desk and improve efficiency.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Isaac_Lungu

Bumper Sticker Maniac - It's Fun to Get Weird, Part Two

2009-12-24T23:27:00.004-08:00

When I told you I couldn't stop writing bumper stickers, I wasn't kidding. Here are a few more for you to ponder and appreciate. I hope you'll even write a few of your own. They are so much fun and great for your brain. "Bumper-Stickering" is also an excellent party activity. Once again, enjoy:

* The sky isn't falling. It's just hangin' real low.

* 74% of 1/3 of the nation use statistics 27% of the time.

* If I ever see a mushroom cloud, the diet's over.

* Gone wishin'.

* Caution: vehicle loaded with snakes.

* I miss Bush.

* Help cool the Globe: stop pontificating.

* Get into binge thinking.

* I gave The Queen a bear hug.

* I sneak onto golf courses with a push mower.

* Sorry about running into you. Sue my cell phone.

* I only grow marijuana to make rope.

* Just remember: I ALWAYS have the right of way.

* I rescued a dog and it rescued me.

* Who needs a job when you've got 12 games to watch in HD?

* I meditate with my dogs.

* I try only to drive in reverse.

* Chivalry isn't dead. It's just dormant.

* Color me homeless.

* Defeat Global Warming: fight for your right to consume.

* They sure don't make 'em like they used to: China does.

* Sit on a swizzle stick and spin, Elroy.

* No, I do not have the munchies. I always eat 14 donuts at a time.

* Anyone need a black eye?

* My Little Leaguer broke your windshield.

* Mediocrity is the study of meteors, right?

* I traded our 5 cars for 5 bitchen mountain bikes.

* Honk if you're broke.

* Hope springs nocturnal.

* COAL SUCKS.

* I find my best sleep comes at work.

* I bit off more than I can eschew.

* It's a slippery slope of a world we live in. May I suggest cleats?

* The more crap you own, the better a person you are.

* You know, money isn't everything. It's not God. Or, is it? Maybe it is!

* Visualize Earth as it was in the good ol' days: without humans.

* I mean, like, how many species do we really need anyway?

* I've had it up to here with the environment. Can we please change the subject?

* Leave only footprints. Just not on my forehead.

* I no longer eat meat, just mutton.

* I got a steal on this humongous SUV and free gas for week!

* Yeah, there's a pill for that.

* Follow me down the Yellow Brick road to the Neocon Graveyard.

* I look like hell and can't sing. Do I have a chance at stardom?

* I do not get high. I mainly get low.

* I drink beer solely for the cans.

* Don't tell anybody, but I just flung my credit cards into The Grand Canyon.

* Good luck with that, Eunice.

* Now accepting monetary donations.

* Life's a scam.

* Playing tennis with a golf ball: bad idea.

* If God wanted me to sleep, I would've been born asleep.

* Multitaskers make lousy lovers.

* Have you skidded to a stop lately?

* My bank account is on the Endangered Species List.

* Got any spare gold bullion?

* Snorklers have reef madness.

* I've got flatulence and I'm not afraid to use it.

* New reality show idea: "Binging With The Stars"

* To hell, with 'punctuation";

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Grant_Gerver

Christmas Humor - A Look at the Challenges of Literacy in Our Schools

2009-12-24T23:27:00.003-08:00

Apparently, the high dropout rates in high school are causing problems all over the United States, and in most of the US territories. Take the North Pole for instance where the dropout rate amongst elves is nearly 22%. Santa Claus Inc. is having a very tough time with just over 20% of their workforce being illiterate. Mrs. Claus, the corporation's human resource director stated; "If the elves can't read the instructions, we are unable to keep up with our Six Sigma factory assembly line goals for 99.98% perfection."

The quality control factory manager said recently in an interview; "one of the great things about this 150-year-old company is that our quality is second to none. Both parents and children alike trust Santa Corp to deliver toys that are perfect, we don't want any parts falling off, or warranty issues." This has become quite a dilemma, the toys today are much more complicated than they were back when the company first started with Chris Kringle the first.

Today, Chris Kringle VII, CEO and chairman of the company said; "We are doing everything we can to fix the quality control issues and bring forth some TQM [total quality management], ISO 9000, and Six Sigma Black Belt initiatives into the factory." Still, even with these quality issues that companies record is 1500% better than the toys coming out of China, and the toy safety manager stated; "Our toys are perfectly safe and we do not use lead based paint!"

It appears that the "No Child Allowed to Advance," education programs are not working in the North Pole School District, especially when kids drop out of high school, before they learn how to read. Please consider all this.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

Achmed the Dead Terrorist - More Don't-Miss Information About Jeff Dunham, Achmed's Awesome Creator

2009-12-24T23:27:00.001-08:00

So, here we present to you the fantastic Mr. Jeff Dunham, the man behind some of the funniest stuff to hit the world in recent years. He is the guy who created none other than our Achmed the (incompetent) dead terrorist, one of the silliest, bumbling characters known to man, who, incidentally died from a bad dose of "premature detonation"... ahem.

Jeff is one hell of a funny stand up comedian as well as an accomplished ventriloquist and has really fought hard for many long years to get to where he is now. The art of ventriloquism has died off in past years and Jeff Dunham has really worked his corner to bring the magic of this art to the forefront of peoples' imaginations and dreams in modern day hectic lives. Abracadabra!

Through the mysterious magic of his wacky characters, a bit of humor and some wooden puppets, Jeff has managed to sell an eye popping 4 million DVD's as of March 2009.

He started practicing this unusual pastime at age 8 and never ever really found himself a "normal job" in the real world, focusing only instead on making his dreams and passions come to life. If only we all followed our hearts.

From around 1985 Jeff began entertaining the public and his appetite for doing this grew beyond recognition and now he has been on some of the most coveted prime time slots on TV.

Some his characters are:

Walter the darned grumpy old man who always has his arms folded and scowls a lot! Walter would like to run for president, and can't stand his wife or other people.. so beware!

Peanut, another character is a bit of an oddbot thing really, purple skinned, sneaker on one foot, tuft of Green hair and White fur on his body. He likes to be rude to Jeff, so enjoy his sense of humor!

Jose Jalapeno (on a stick!) - literally speaking, this is a talking Jalapeno Pepper, on a stick who wears a Sombrero hat.

Bubba J is a down and out Redneck character who sits drinking beer all day and being a complete dork, trailer trash type of guy!

Sweet Daddy Dee is a sort of pimp for Jeff... and so I assume you can conjur up all sorts of thoughts about this one!

Melvin the superhero guy, a superhero in a Blue costume who enjoys "looking at boobies" with his special x-ray vision....

Achmed the dead terrorist (yay!) - our favorite, a suicide bomber skeleton who forgets he is dead sometimes and threatens the audience members by shouting out, "Silence, I kill you!"

A great range of characters, a huge amount of fun, why not locate some Jeff Dunham footage and set up a "play list" of his clips.

I certainly recommend you look for the bit in reference to 72 virgins - it will have you in fits of laughter - you can apologise right now for upsetting others!

Now you've met Jeff the next logical step is to see what else there is to see and find out.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shaun_Baird

Santa Claus LLC Might Go Out of Business Due to Methane Green House Emission Rules

2009-12-13T00:48:00.001-08:00

Apparently, the new Cap and Trade law is causing a stink at Santa Claus LLC Toy Factory at the North Pole. Why you ask? Well, it seems that methane is a green house gas and rain deer are big polluters, and the EPA wants to fine Santa Corp [NYSE symbol CHRS). The corporation has purchased the new approved EPA rain deer rear-end cover and recover devises, but they keep falling off of the rain deer in flight, and the FAA is very concerned about these incidents.

Once the covers come off the methane escapes into the atmosphere. Santa Corp claims that the "Methane emissions from rain deer are down by 50% and that's a green house gas savings of 112 flight miles per animal per square meter of methane produced." The company also complained that it cannot trade carbon credits because rain deer produce methane, not CO2, but Santa Claus LLC is still responsible for the green-house emissions.

Santa recently argued; "I am not sure why I didn't get a Nobel Peace Prize for keeping the peace in families around the world for nearly 9-decades. Al Gore promised us Global Warming, but the North Pole is colder than ever. Now I may have to close the company, and if so, I am going to have to move to Florida where it is warm, I am freezing my rear end off here, and I don't want to let anymore methane out!"

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

Santa Claus LLC Out of Business Due to Terrorist Attack at Christmas North Pole Base

2009-12-13T00:47:00.002-08:00

A radicalized Polar Bear was reported terrorizing Santa Claus' factory at the North Pole, and apparently there are lots of them terrorizing the North Pole Santa Claus LLC Head Quarters, and this was hardly the first time. You see, they were promised warmer weather by the Global Warming Alarmists, and so they've been having more offspring, now there are too many Polar Bears in the region and they are running out of seals to eat, so, they are looking for some more tasty morsels; Elves.

Although, Santa's elves are only bite size and really only good for one Polar Bear lunch, they seem to be quite tasty. Unfortunately, it has been causing huge delays at the factory making toys, because all the elves are stressed out and filing for workers compensation. Meanwhile a production Six Sigma Specialist has calculated that even with the most efficient refinements in the Finite Capacity Scheduling Modeling, there is no way they can maintain the needed quality and keep up the quantity needed to fulfill all the orders for this year's Christmas.

Now the Polar Bears are really angry with no more food supply, and they've been breaking into the warehouses at night, stealing the toys, and trading them to the Eskimos at the local village for fresh Sushi. This has caused even a bigger crisis and the loss-prevention specialist just cannot secure the area from these giant white terrorist bears. Worse, the bears are now suing because they are saying that Santa Claus LLC executives are racists against White Polar Bears and Species'ists too.

They are demanding a huge settlement, and so, "the company had to file bankruptcy because it can no longer make a profit with all the terrorist attacks, lawsuits, union challenges, and workman's compensation insurance increased premium costs," said the corporation's head counsel and attorney.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

Achmed the Terrorist - Information From a Fans Point of View

2009-12-13T00:47:00.001-08:00

You have to give credit for those rare moments when some incredibly funny people and situations cross through your life. Achmed the dead terrorist (By Jeff Dunham) is literally one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. I must have viewed every one of his videos on the net.

Achmed the death terrorist is cited as being one of the funniest things to hit 2008, 2009 and beyond. He is a hilarious puppet (made personally by his owner Jeff) who appears as the skeletal remains of a very poorly executed suicide bomb.

The funniest thing is that Achmed the terrorist really doesn't know that he is dead!

As part of the comedy routine, Achmed will firstly grace you with a fixed stare, his large eyes piercing yours, shouting out "Silence! I Kill you" if you utter any noise(or shrieks of laughter!), and has various other catchphrases and songs.

An Achmed the dead terrorist Christmas special was made including a Christmas song called jingle bombs.

Amongst the group of comedy puppets from Jeff you can also come across characters such as Walter, Sweet Daddy Dee, Bubba J, Melvin the Superhero guy and Jose the Jalapeno Pepper.

Now, listen, please note that Achmed the dead terrorist hasn't come without controversy. Oh no!

Normally all of Jeff's puppets have been warmly welcome around the globe but Achmed has been caught red handed with some catchphrases that got him banned by the South African Advertising Authority because of certain religious comments. This is a sad reflection on the world, when a bit of comedy goes too far - funny in the majority, but offensive to a few.

Anyway, if you like the sound of this funny character by Jeff Dunham, then Achmed the dead terrorist is back! The next time you are in need of a comedy fix then look towards Achmed the terrorist suicide bomber puppet. It will ensure your next few moments are well and truly brightened up!

Because of his new found fame there have been a whole host of aftermarket things you can pick up on from an Achmed the dead terrorist mp3 (several of them in fact), an Achmed ringtone, and plenty of variations of an Achmed the dead terrorist wallpaper. There was even an Achmed the dead terrorist Christmas special - talk about popular!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shaun_Baird

The Great Eggo Shortage of 2009 - A Christmas Without Waffles

2009-12-13T00:46:00.000-08:00

Oh no! The world is coming to an end, the sky is falling, we wont live much longer because of global warming, we will lose our houses in this foreclosure mess, our banks are going bankrupt, our car makers can't produce a profit, we wont have health care, and now there will be no Eggo's for Christmas. Because of a flood and a scheduled closing of the Eggo factory, Kellogg's says there is going to be a shortage of the breakfast treat, Eggo's.

I can just see it now, people will be running out to the store like there is a major winter storm on the way. They wont be just buying bread, milk, eggs, and toilet paper, they will be searching the cold case for Eggo's. There will be anarchy in the isles. Gramma's will be holding off soccer moms with their canes. "leg go my Eggo or I will cane you". People will be rolling around on the floor like a scene from the WWF. Watch out Hulk Hogan and Rick Flair!!!

People will become instant millionaires buy selling their boxes of Eggo's on E-Bay. Will your most cherished Christmas gift be a box of Eggo's? What will we do? We will have to eat turkey for Thanksgiving. Oh! The horror of it all. There will be no Eggo's to decorate the Christmas tree with. What will Santa put in his sack? What will the reindeer eat? Children will have to dream of sugar plums on Christmas Eve instead of Eggo's.

Maybe, Just maybe. We can go out to the grocery store, buy a box of Bisquick, come home, gather the family in the kitchen, make pancakes together, sit down at the dining room table, pour the maple syrup, and enjoy some time together for the holidays. Yes, Virginia, there is life without Eggo's.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jonathan_F_Cook

Very Funny Quotes And What They Can Teach Us

2009-11-24T08:47:00.003-08:00

Very funny quotes are considered by many to be just-another-sort-of-funny-stuff-around. Well, I couldn't disagree more!

Sure, there are many funny quotations that don't really teach us anything, and were designed just for that - to be funny. However, behind many of those very funny quotes lies a wisdom of ages, and we could truly learn a lot from them if we just take our time to think about it. Let's take a moment to look upon some of them - and you'll understand my point. Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days you will be right. How many times have we heard it? One? Ten? A hundred? I'd say the latter is closer to the truth. But what do we really learn from that phrase? Well, not much. We continue to live on as if we're going to live forever... Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Well, I couldn't agree with that. Life can be tough sometimes, but overall - we are the ones responsible for its quality. We can make ourselves happy - AND we can make ourselves miserable, it's basically all the matter of personal choice. You see now? Even very funny quotes can make us argue and disagree about life! Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
Christopher Isherwoo

Well, here's something I totally back up! Believe me, folks, too much imagination can ruin it all. Been there, done that. Once you go to these thoughts- it's very hard to get back, so the basic idea is just not to think too much. And - a good doctor might be very handy from time to time, together with luck :) Here's another good one of my very funny quotes about life collection, worth thinking through: My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Josh Billings

Yep, this one is also 100% right. Alas, having good heart is just not enough - we have to have that club in the other hand if we truly want to succeed. Don't use it too often, though - it's also not a very good thing to do! Finally, my favorite of very funny quotes about life - Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert. Never, EVER let go of something good in life. Miss that dessert - and you may never get anything else. Makes you think about all those limitations...maybe we are too serious? After all, as they say - Don't take life to seriously. No one gets out alive.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Anton_Borodko

Want to Impress Your Friends? Throw in Some Famous Life Quotes in Your Conversation

2009-11-24T08:47:00.001-08:00

Do you want to impress and astound your friends? Do you want to be the person everyone would love to be in company with? Then why not learn some famous life quotes. You probably have noticed some of the great leaders use famous quotes in their speeches and normal communication that make them truly memorable and interesting.

You can too use famous life quotes in your daily communication as well to impress your friends. Just by throwing in some famous quotes in your daily communication will make you come across as a very knowledgeable and entertaining person. It's a great way to dazzle your friends and let them know about your coolness factor.

One thing you should take care while throwing in quotes in your conversation is that it should be integrated into your conversation. It should be a subtly part of your conversation and not your conversation.

You should use quotes where it is appropriate and suits to the topic you are communicating about. For example if you are discussing about a particular celebrity, you can recite a recent quote from that particular celebrity or if you are talking about motivation and inspiration, you could recite a inspirational quote and if you are discussing about life and life issues, you can use famous life quotes.

The point here is, whatever quote you are using, make sure that it is relevant to the situation or the topic you discussing. And don't just blurt out quotes, engage in conversation as well. Blurting out only quotes makes you look like a fool and certainly make people think you are dunk too much.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karan_Kapoor

Keep Your Family a Happy Family by Sharing Funny Life Quotes

2009-11-24T08:46:00.003-08:00

It was dream of every individual to build a happy family. Having a happy family is a true pleasure of life. The joy of being in such a family is something that can't be describe in words. It increases your chances of being successful in your professional life as well.

So how can we build a Family which laughs together cries together plays together and supports each other in every circumstances of life. We can build a happy family if we can make the safe, happy and fun environment in home. One of the best ways to do so is by sharing daily funny life quotes with our family.

Communication is most important factor in building and maintaining happy family. Sharing Funny Life Quotes encourage communication between family members. Everyone laughs out loud while discussing funny quotes together in family.

Apart from making your family happy, sharing funny life quotes has other benefits as well. It builds strong bond of love between family members, increases your energy level, help you get rid of your routine work related stress and keeps you fit and healthy physically as well as mentally.

There are plenty of ways to share funny quotes about life with your family. You can put a quote in the wall of your child room. You can buy a t-shirt for your child with funny quote printed on it. You can put a quote in the mirror, in refrigerator, in the hat of your child as well as yours, in your body as a tattoo quote or you can buy children stationary with funny quotes printed on it. The possibilities are endless. Use your own creativity and find out the way that best suits the personality of your family.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karan_Kapoor

How to Embrace Your House Ghost

2009-11-24T08:46:00.001-08:00

My Spirit Advisor's name is Georgie. In his Human life he was a very funny, cranky comedian. When I start off my day I can hear Georgie say "well, look what is awake and doing her YOGA. That sounds too much like YOGURT. Do your cat stretches and we can get to work Sunshine!"

If I start to lose motivation and begin to slack off, my Muse sets me straight. "You ought to be lucky you have your laptop... books don't write themselves. Now let's get cracking Sunshine". My pet ghost comedian I can hear by I can't see. I can just picture him leaning up against the wall, sitting on my desk or pacing back and forth heckling me.

Why can I just hear him and not see him? Why does he heckle me when I most need to be teased?

So I finally get some love back from my hubby this morning and I am happy. Tig leaves the room and I am getting ready for the day. Georgie says "He's a grumpy one and ugly too. But he's here for you and loves you. Just close your eyes and pretend he is Brad Pitt . Not your fault Sunshinel". Well, I grin at myself in the mirror and whisper to my Muse. "thanks Georgie."

Sometimes a Muse can be the form of a Spirit Guide who has passed on. It seems that they assigned me this cranky comedian as my Muse to keep me cracking with my career and heckles me when I am down. Maybe he will get his wings if he completes his "quest". Help the disgruntled, lonely married lady who is in a California State of Mind and wants to go to Rock Concerts and mingle with Celebrities. The "cat lady" that is a big dreamer and master schemer and hears dead Celebrities.

I was meditating last night and felt like Willie Mae Brown on Ghost. There was a voice that said? Never, ever give up!" ..."Thanks Patrick" I whispered and to my left another voice of wisdom came. "The errors you make prepare you for the success you take"..."Thanks David" I whisper. "Now what is the freaking meditating stuff you do? You aren't going anywhere - you don't levitate or find out the meaning of life and death here. What are you doing Sunshine?

"Georgie, I am me and I like to try and quite my mind so I can sleep. Clearly, this only brings dead Celebrities and spirit Muses to me. Maybe they should call it Spirit Delegation. I'm a "beacon" for angel spirits that need their wings by helping people in distress. You saw an Author that was different from the norm who is trying to get her life back together and latched on. Meditation is supposed to be a way to quite the mind, body and get in touch with your inner soul. I suppose I am a Ghost Listener now. O.k. what do you guys need and how can I help YOU?"

I opened my eyes and the voices ceased. At least until tonight.

So if you are hearing heckling spirits and have Ghost Life Coaches - embrace them and welcome them in your home and your life and once they get their wings, they'll go away. Just grin and bear it and wait until a bell rings.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Caitlyn_Carrington

How to Be Funny - Part 9 - Life Experiences (not Words) Are Funny

2009-11-18T04:03:00.004-08:00

Try this, think of a story, something that really did happen to you, one that you've told over and over again to lots of people throughout your life. Maybe it was how you met your lover, barely survived a car accident during a bad snowstorm or saw someone famous at the airport. (Mine was Morgan Freeman, he was on the same flight as me, headed to Atlanta). Whether your story is funny or not really doesn't matter right now. The important part is how you go about recalling the experience in your mind. More than likely your head is filled with a string of pictures, distinct sounds, and maybe even a rush of feelings. Chance are the last thing that's going on in your mind when you think about telling "your story" is the exact words you choose. Am I right?

Here's a big tip if you are wanting to learn how to be funny: A very large part of what makes a joke or story funny is how you respond to the circumstances as you are telling it. This goes far beyond just the words you say. Its how you re-live the moment that matters most. Why is this? Well your audience, whether its your buddies at the bar or a crowded room filled with strangers, wants to leave their reality an enter yours. If they didn't want this then they wouldn't bother to take the time to listen to what you have to say.

That's why is it is so vitally important that you first hook and keep the people you are talking to engaged. The easy way to do this is to let them in your head. Give them a glimpse of the world from where you stand. How do you do this? You do it by showing real emotion as you tell your story or joke. You know, the same way you told that story about how you wore braces until you were 20 and no one wanted to kiss you. Maybe during this story you covered your mouth with your hands to show how you re-lived your embarrassment. Or you might have even spoken with a "spitty-mumbly" voice to let people know how awkward you felt. Either way, I hope you get my point about how the funny comes out through your re-living, reacting, and interpreting the circumstances of your own story as you see it.

At the end of the day all that you really want to accomplish is to make people laugh. When you are able to focus on the sounds, visual imagery, and your own feelings about an experience and disconnect yourself from the words by themselves then you are well on your way to learning how to be funny. Sure, all of this might sound weak and mushy, but it works.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sterling_Barnes

Share the Fun and Humor With Funny Life Quotes

2009-11-18T04:03:00.003-08:00

There are plenty of things happen to us on daily basis that makes our mood go down. Sometime our friends say something to us that we don't like. Sometimes work related problems makes us feel sad. And then those relationship problems which are so overwhelming that we feel there is no way to get out of it.

With so many things bringing us depression and sadness, we need something that can lift our spirit up and make us get back to life again. We want something that can empower us and ease all our anxiety of the day. One of the best ways to do so is by sharing fun and humor through funny life quotes.

Sharing funny life quotes with your friends and family makes you burst with laughter. The joy of telling funny quotes is amazing. It makes everyone laugh out loud. And when you smile out loud, you forgot all your tension and problems.

Some people might think that it wouldn't work. They might consider it as a trivial method but for me it is the best thing we could ever do. Life is for fun and we should live it to fullest extent. And when problems arise and sadness smothers us, just recall some funny quotes about life and read them out loud and see how they can quickly charge you up making you ready to tackle life problems.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karan_Kapoor

Humorous Inspirational Life Quotes - Funny Yet Inspirational

2009-11-18T04:03:00.001-08:00

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away. It has been proved time to time that humor and laughter is best medicine. It is one of the best tools to uplift your emotional state and refresh your mind.

Inspiration is something that drives you forward to take action towards your goals. It is crucial to a successful life. If you are inspired to do something, you will automatically give your best and get what you want.

Humor and inspiration both are very powerful tools that can change your whole life for better. You can find both of them together in Funny Inspirational Life quotes. These quotes inspire you to take action but in a humorous manner. They are capable of making you both amused and inspired as well as they are wonderful bad-mood boosters.

Some people might find this combination of humor and inspiration to be strange. But the fact of the matter is it is not strange at all. Humor can inspire you and there can be inspiration exist in humor. If you don't believe me, then just read the following funny inspirational quotes and you'll see what I mean.

- My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened. -----Montaigne
- It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous. ----- Robert Benchley

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. --- Albert Einstein
I have seen that lots of people are either brooding over the past or worrying about what's going to happen in their future. In doing so, they forgot to enjoy the present moments of life. Whether the past is good or bad, it has gone. And we don't know what's going to happen in future.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karan_Kapoor

Short Funny Life Quotes - Eternal Gems of Wit and Humor

2009-11-18T04:02:00.000-08:00

Today life is busy and everyone is as busy as ever. No body has much time for fun and humor. So we need something which can make us laugh out loud in short period of time. And what could best option than short funny life quotes. They are very short and take only few seconds to read them.

Despite of being short, they are full of wit and humor and capable of making everyone burst with laughter. They are funniest amusing stuff ever that you are likely to read. They are literally eternal gems of wit and humor that will definitely evoke a lot of laughter and chase your blues far away from you.

History is full of amazing persons who have contributed hilarious funny quotes. There is no dearth of great personalities who have dazzled us with their extremely funny quotes. It is because of these great master minded geniuses funny life quotes that makes us capable of getting through tough time.

There are plenty of short funny quotes about life that make us rolling on floor with laughter. Here are few of them:

- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ---Anonymous
- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ----Mark Twain

Thanks to Internet, we don't have any trouble finding information about anything like our ancestors have to. For our ancestors, the only place to find quotes is library. But today, we have bunch of resources to find information on any topic.

There is a huge stock of short as well as long funny life quotes available on internet. And the best part is that most of websites on internet provide them free of cost. Some of the websites add new quote regularly so that you won't get bored reading the same stuff over and over again.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karan_Kapoor

Five Famous Funny Life Quotes to Bring on the Giggles

2009-11-11T05:54:00.004-08:00

A funny quote has power to turn the worst situation into a bearable one. It is something that can really make difference in your daily life. It makes you bear the toughest situations of life easily. Somehow it reminds all of us that life is for fun and enjoyment. It reminds us about what is truly important about our existence on earth.

A funny quote about life given on a perfect situation can really stimulate your mind. No matter how stressed and tensed you are, reading funny life quotes can immediately bring smile on your face. And when you smile you forgot all of your worries and troubles. You feel a new energy within you. The excitement and happiness that funny quotes on life bring into your life makes you ready to tackle difficult situation of life with optimism and enthusiasm.

Whenever I come across a funny quote that make me burst with laughter, I jot it down. I have a very big collection of funny, inspirational, motivational and humorous life quotes which I am collecting from over the years. It's a good thing to collect famous quotes because whenever you are feeling blue they can serve you as a wonderful counselor.

Here are my Top Five Favorite Funny Quotes about Life to make you rolling on the floor with laughter.

1- Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. - Carl Sandburg

2- The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly -- because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them. - Michael Caine

3- Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little. - Anthony Trollope

4- Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

5- My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other. - Josh Billings

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Karan_Kapoor

Funny Pictures For a Good Laugh

2009-11-11T05:54:00.003-08:00

When the economy looks gloomy, everyone needs some humor for a good laugh. As the saying goes, "Laughter is the best medicine." That's probably true to a certain extent. Laughter can most certainly help relieve stress. And as we all know, too much stress can be harmful to health. Fortunately, there are tons of free resources on the Internet that will have you in stitches in no time. Let's take a look at some of these resources.

Funny pictures.

There are all kinds of funny pictures on the Internet. Some are based on true events, while others are created just for a few good laughs. For instance, you can find entertainment images of your favorite celebrities. Mostly, these are images that are edited by fans and posted on various humor sites. There are literally hundreds (or thousands) of such images on the web. You just have to know where to look.

Cool stuff.

Cool stuff is entertaining as well. These are pictures that may or may not be funny. But there are very interesting. People tend to circulate such pictures via email to their family and friends because these images look cool. Looking cool means the subject of focus is something that is out of the ordinary. For instance, you may see a picture of a cool robot that is created from scrap metal.

Illusions.

Illusions can provide hours and hours of entertainment. These images are created with the intention of fooling the perception of the viewer. The illusions are mostly created with clever image editing tricks. A single image can be used to represent more than one view - depending on how you look at the picture. Usually, you will need to spend a few minutes on each picture just to be able to see the optical illusion.

Funny kids pictures.

Children are always fun to have around. They get into lots of funny situations because of their innocence. Many children photos don't even need to be edited. The original photos are already pretty funny. Besides, children have the liberty to do anything they want without getting into trouble. So the possibilities for great pictures are endless. For example, a young child posing as a football fan can show the middle finger and look cute. An adult showing the middle finger will certainly come across as offensive!

Military images.

Sometimes, a serious environment can create the most hilarious situations. For those who enjoy military jokes, such images are ideal. Jokes are often based on soldiers and interesting looking weaponry.

Funny people pictures.

Children can be funny, but sometimes, adults get into humorous situations as well. Many of these pictures or snapshots of adults making funny faces. On occasions, you get to see funny things happening to adults in real life. These are usually shots that are captured while an adult is working. During the act, an accident happens (like falling off a ladder). Adults clowning around can be quite funny at times.

Political jokes.

Many people like to make fun of politicians. Instead of adopting a serious view about politics, many bloggers and webmasters create funny pictures of key figures. These images tend to attract more readers.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Darren_W_Chow

I'm 39 and Holding!

2009-11-11T05:54:00.001-08:00

My recent birthday dragged "double nickels" kicking and screaming into my psyche. Now, several recurrent thoughts occupy my feeble mind: Sandra Bullock in a wet tee-shirt (although I've forgotten why); honey-flavored pitted prunes (obviously, a desire to remain a regular guy); and, a late night snack with Jack Kevorkian (excuse me, Doc, is that Grey Poupon in your bag?). This sudden awareness of mortality bites like a pit bull in a post office.

In a positive vein, men on both sides of my blood line typically live full lives. Grandpa McCormick died at 93. Grandpa Noble at 95. Averaging these, I figure I've got 39 years left. And if these are Jack Benny's 39 years, there's nothing to worry about. However, a dichotomy exists in our approach to aging today. Supposedly, we're living longer. Heaven forbid if that's the case! If heredity has my clock wound to somewhere between 93 and 95, my greatest fear is that the coming 39 years will be dedicated to avoiding things that might kill me: Fat, cholesterol, sodium, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine.

Those ingredients my grandfathers didn't know could kill them...so they didn't. We're not good at tolerating senior citizens today. Even though they represent one of the fastest growing market segments in the United States, and control billions of dollars' worth of discretionary resources. And, how have they managed to amass and control such great wealth? That's a no-brainer...they've stopped spending it on rich food, good booze, cigarettes and cigars, designer coffee, and all the other stuff that could kill them before they hit 100.

Today, we honk at older folks who act confused at stoplights, turn too sharply, or poke along below the speed limit. We raise our voices when they don't readily understand what we say. We become impatient when they can't make up their minds over chocolate or vanilla. And, we laugh off the compulsive rituals they've followed for most of a century without thinking twice about their actions. Why do we do these things...we youngsters schlepping through Middle Age? Perhaps to convince ourselves we're not like that; although we're headed in the same inevitable direction. We're probably reacting out of fear.

We can't imagine what we'll be like as we approach Old Age, and are afraid we'll become one of THEM. But is that all bad? After all, they're alive. More than that, they're living. When I see an older couple walking - close together, hand in hand -- she might take her purse, give him a shot alongside the head and say: "Straighten up, you old fool!" This doesn't concern me. Although, that's probably my wife and me in 39 years. That image makes me glad...not sad. Anticipatory...not apprehensive. Reassured...not remorseful. Such an image encourages me to embrace seniority, not sulk from it. Besides...my wife hit double nickels nine months before me!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Leighton_McCormick

Listen Up! I'm Just Going to Tell You This Once!

2009-11-05T04:26:00.003-08:00

A Friendly Note to All My e-Mail Correspondents Listen Up! I'm Just Going to Say this Once.

Hey, call me an old curmudgeon (and many do!), but I'm through pussy-footing around with some of my e-mail correspondents. I've just about had it and I'm not going to take it anymore! So, all you e-mail correspondents of mine, listen up, because I am only going to say this once! I've got a few "bones" to pick with you and, by golly, I'm going to pick them. Now. Right here. You're not going to be able to stop me!

Some of you-and you certainly know who you are, so don't try to say you don't!-seem to find it necessary to consistently irritate me with what I will charitably characterize as your e-mail "quirks." (Actually, I would prefer to use another word here, but I am going to try and keep this note "G-rated.") What am I talking about? Let's get started!

My 'Forward' Correspondents

You know those cute little "sayings," "poems," "inspirational" messages, ad nauseam, that some of you have received from friends and family and have seen fit to "forward" to me, asking me to also forward them to my friends and family? How can I say this? How can I delicately state my true feelings about these "communications"? Stop sending me these! I hate this *#$@! Stop it! Now! No more! (Oh, and don't think I'm moved in the least by your implied threats of something "bad" happening to me if I don't also "forward" these messages. Something "bad" already happens to me the instant I receive these e-mails from you!)

Thank you!

OK, now moving on.

My 'Capital' Correspondents

The use of capital letters is indeed very helpful to a reader of your e-mails, and I especially thank you for taking the time to use them in e-mails you send to me. Among other things, it helps me to know a.) where the beginning of a sentence is; and/or b.) it alerts me that you are using a proper noun, i.e., an important person, place of thing, instead of just an old, commonplace noun. But, come on, can you get out of the habit of USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS THROUGHOUT YOUR E-MAIL?! Do you have any idea how irritating that is to the reader? Particularly this reader?! Get a life and STOP doing this!

Thank you.

My 'Small' Correspondents

The flip side of the CAPITAL correspondents are those of you who use small letters (usually with no punctuation whatsoever!) throughout your e-mail. Hey, it was cute when poet e.e. cummings introduced this "revolutionary" technique about two hundred years or so ago. Today? Not quite so cute. So can you please refrain from this practice?

Thank you.

My 'ADD' Correspondents

I know, I know. Many of you are getting "a little long in the tooth," and are finding it harder and harder to focus and concentrate these days. But, hey, is it possible for you to at least pretend that you actually read (and understood!) the e-mail I send you and to which (theoretically, at least) you are now responding? I don't mean to hurt your feelings, particularly if you actually are exhibiting early onset symptoms of Alzheimer's, but you're beginning to remind me an awful lot of my friend George. You probably have friends like George, too. You know, the person who is not listening to one word that comes out of your mouth when you're having a "conversation" with him. Instead, he is focused entirely on what he is going to say next! Frustrating! Irritating! Maddening!

In a nutshell, then, all I am asking is this: If I ask you a question (or two or more!) in my e-mail to you, would you please humor me by actually addressing and answering the question(s) in your e-mail response to me?

Thank you.

My 'Celebrity' Correspondents

I am a "news junkie," and as such, I read a LOT of newspapers and editorial columns both online and offline each and every day. I particularly like to read the editorials, and of course, I have my "favorites," who, for obvious reasons, shall go unnamed here. So, whenever I read something I particularly like, by someone whose writing or viewpoint I particularly admire, I usually take the time to e-mail the reporter or editorial writer and tell them so. Do I ever get a response of any kind? Surely you jest! Not even an "auto response" acknowledgment. Sad.

Now, I am fully aware that some of you view yourselves as "celebrities," and maybe you are, at least in the sense that the term is so loosely defined in today's society. Maybe you honestly believe that you simply can't be bothered to acknowledge, in any way shape, form or fashion, us, "the little people," who actually read what you write and care enough to comment upon it.

And you wonder why the number of newspaper subscribers/readers continues to trend downward, year after year after year.

Can you at least set up some type of "auto response" to let your readers who respond to you know that their comments were actually received? You are writing something for people to actually read, aren't you? I hope so.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Garee

I Was Going to Learn Chinese But I Have to Learn Texting First - Bummer?

2009-11-05T04:26:00.001-08:00

When we listen to the media in China, they keep telling us that the recession is over and they've had over 6% growth rate this year in their GDP. Personally, I don't believe it, I believe it to be more like 4.25% by my calculations, and I'm quite worried about the fact that they are giving too many loans, and thus see a problem with their economy overheating, and inflationary risks with the Yuan.

Nevertheless, there are many people, such as the famous investor Jim Rogers, who coincidentally wrote the book "A Bull in China; Investing Profitably in the World's Greatest Market," and "Investment Biker; on the Road with Jim Rogers," who believe that the Chinese economy will continue to grow and eventually surpass that of the United States of America, which as you know, our GDP is at around $17 trillion per year as soon as the market returns.

It may not be until 2035 or 2040 until China catches us in GDP, as we are also slowly expanding, well provided everything goes right for them. It is for this reason that I need to learn Chinese, and it makes sense that anyone who plans on doing business in that country learn the language. Unfortunately, there is also a new language that our teenagers are speaking, and these millennials are starting to enter the workforce. The characters of their new language are just is frightening as learning 45,000 Chinese symbols.

The new language that our teens and millennials are using is called; "Texting" and the best way to learn is by doing it; meaning that you have to spend hours each day sending text messages, meaningless gibberish to all of your friends to learn it correctly. Once you do this, you are cool enough to do business with the teens and millennials who claim that they are one of the greatest up-and-coming demographics. We will see, but first it's time to start learning this new language. Please consider this.

Lance Winslow is a retired Founder of a Nationwide Franchise Chain, and now runs the Online Think Tank. Lance Winslow believes you should learn texting and how to make phone calls on the internet too; ip pbx

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

Why Pranks Are Awesome While Jokes Are Kind of Meh

2009-11-05T04:25:00.001-08:00

Laughter, it has been said, is the best medicine. This is literally true. Study after study has shown that laughter not only eases pain and suffering, but it actually helps the healing process by reducing blood pressure and releasing stress. Pranks are even better than jokes at getting a laugh. A joke is only funny once, but humorous shenanigans can get rooms full of people howling many years later as they are recounted.

For this reason, I fall squarely on the side of pranks in the hot debate over whether they are superior to jokes. Congress should really settle this issue once and for all by passing legislation declaring fun-filled tricks as the optimal catalyst of laughter and thus healing. They could call it the "Heal America Happily Act" or HAHA for short. When some joker challenged HAHA in court, I am sure that pranksters across this great land would rise up with one inspiring voice to solicit donations. These monies would hire the finest team of attorneys the world has ever seen -- or at least the best since O.J. Simpson's first trial -- to defend pranking and its advocates all the way to the Supreme Court.

When the case of Joe Kerr vs. The United States is won by the People, the issue will be settled once and for all: America is a land where jokes are OK but pranks are awesome. We revere those who fool others because they create generations worth of yuks in one single, well executed maneuver. Any joker can nail a punchline. It takes a true genius to fool someone right to the point of freaking out, then relieve them by letting them know that they have been punked.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chuck_Linart

A Uniform Solution

2009-11-05T04:23:00.000-08:00

You're about to leave for a special event, and your spouse is clawing through her closet crying "I don't have anything to wear!" Now you know full well that there's enough fabric in that closet to resurface Central Park, so what do you do? You want to sympathize with her, but the old Visa card just can't take another hit. Here is the universal solution to this problem, and once deployed, will guarantee that you'll never have to endure a similar complaint again: start wearing uniforms.

"Think of the advantages, honey," you announce, "we won't spend another second deciding what to wear in the morning!" This idea didn't originate with me; the military has been using it from the beginning of time. Private schools do it, and even some corporations. So why not a "family uniform"?

I actually know a very brilliant fellow who did this many years ago (I'll have to check if he's continued this habit as he's remarried now). All you do is find a neural color combination that you'll be happy with, choose a style of top (button-shirt, t-shirt, or golf shirt) and you buy several copies of them.

Once you have them hanging in your closet, then the dilemma of what to wear magically disappears. Just think of it, strolling through the mall will never include gawking and pining over those new arrivals. And in time, you'll stop caring what the neighbors think about your new attire.

Will I ever start wearing a uniform? Not as long as my family has any say in it, but it's a great comeback for those constant clothing complaints. This is the problem with being a practical and objective person, my only hope is that my spouse never questions me about my need for a new computer every two years or so... but that's different, right?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brian_Rodda

Did You Know That Some Men Can Breastfeed! Find Out What Other Crazy Facts I Reveal

2009-10-21T22:41:00.002-07:00

About 3 people are born every second, and about 1 1/3 people die every second. The result is about 2 2/3 net increase of people every second. Almost 10 people more live on the Earth now than before you finished reading this.

The first computer was ENACT - (Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer) first introduced in 1946.

The total combined weight of the world's ant population is heavier than the weight of the human population.

Forty-one percent of English women have punched or kicked their partners.

Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860.

The largest living thing on the face of the Earth is a mushroom underground in Oregon. It measures three and a half miles in diameter.

Men with a certain rare medical condition can breastfeed babies.

Two years, four months and three days before the successful flights of the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk, a birdlike monoplane took off at dawn on August 14, 1901, near Bridgeport, Connecticut. Gustavo Whitehead, designer and builder, flew the plane about a half mile. This might have been the first flight in the sky by a machine-powered aircraft - but there is no concrete evidence.

A pig is mentioned only twice in the Bible but is rated as the fourth most intelligent animal. Sheep are mentioned 45 times, goats 88 times, dogs 14 times and lions 89 times but domestic cats are not mentioned.

An ostrich can run up to 70 km/h - (43 mph).

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Samantha_Cantrell

How to Tell a Joke is a Business Skill

2009-10-21T22:41:00.001-07:00

1. You and I are not interested in playing the Comedy Room.

2. However - discovering how to improvise our selling story is a closing-skill.

3. So what? We need to learn to organize a funny joke because it helps influence, convince, and persuade folks to accept our business or professional proposals. Not by being a comedian, but because it has the same three elements.

Secret of a Successful Joke

The framework: First, the Set-Up, Second, the plot, and Third, the Punchline.

The Set-Up is a logical beginning where we show agreement with the listener's long-term beliefs and expectations.

Set-Up: A 12 year old comes to his father for help with his homework in using five specific words in five different sentences. Makes sense, right?

The Plot: The Pop seriously creates these five-sentences, but they are obviously wrong, and even jerky. Raises our curiosity - why did he do it?

The Punchline: The kid dopes out he has been scammed by his old man, and gets mad. The Pop explains why he scammed the kid with wrong answers. Problem/Solution.

A Punchline offers a conclusion, payoff, and moral of the story (joke). It is an exaggerated point that makes us laugh at Pop's Switcherzoo. We (listeners) are IN on the joke. We GET it without thinking, analyzing or going to a dictionary.

My Aha! Experience

"Pop, can you help me with my homework? I got these five last words I can't figure out how to use each one in a sentence. "

"Sonny, you come to the right window. Gimme your problem. It is just as important to know where to find the right answer, as learning itself."

"Here, five easy words, but I have to use each one in a separate sentence.

First is Tsunami, that's one I never saw before. Two, is Tutor. Number Three is Denial, used as a legal term. Four is Defeat, used in a specific battle. Number Five is Cataracts, which I don't know at all."

"Gimme that list. Are you ready? I'm not going to repeat it twice, so pay attention.

1. Tsunami, it comes from Latin meaning Salt. I fried the Tsunami and eggs, and added mustard on Italian bread for flavor.

2. Tutor, from the Latin for Horn. In the Bible, Joshua blew down the walls of Jericho because he was a Tutor. Harry James played a mean trumpet, and he was a hot Tutor. See, two for one.

3. Denial runs 4,184 miles in Africa and feeds into the Mediterranean Sea. Oh yeah, Denial separates into the White and Blue, and they collect in Egypt.

4. Defeat. George Washington had 2,300 Patriots at the Battle of Trenton, against the Hessians on December 26, 1776 (day after Xmas). The Americans could not afford boots for their soldiers, who had to wrap Defeat with rags for the seven-mile march to Trenton, New Jersey.

5. Last, is Cataract. The word is taken from the name of a Native-American chief and has come to mean luxury. General Motors owns the Trade Mark for the name Cataract, since August 18, 1902."

I sat there stunned, just 12 years old, but I knew Pop had scammed me.

"I will never ask you anything again. Thanks for nothing."

"Wait - you don't trust me and my answers?"

"No, I don't trust you or anybody else after this."

"Pay attention - this is an important moment in your life. It is called an Aha! Experience. You don't trust your own father, and nobody else, right? You have to trust and depend only on yourself, right?"

"Yeah, right, so what?"

"Sonny, tomorrow I am going to sign you up at the New York Law School. You have learned your first critical lesson about independent research."

"That's was my Pop. Yeah, I went to New York Law School graduated, and passed the Bar (not Kelly's) on the first crack."

How to Persuade, Influence, And Convince

You will almost never read the following in a textbook, hear it from a professor, or reach this conclusion by yourself. It is against the grain, contrarian, and counterintuitive. That is why it is important.

Thinking Bad, Knowing Good

Thinking is B-A-D if you want to persuade, convince or influence others to your ideas. You never want the client, a judge or jury, or a buyer to stop in the middle of your proposal to think, analyze or critically judge your proposal or defense argument.

Procrastination is another name for Think-ing. It delays and terminates the action response you require. You language should communicate simple, basic ideas Automatically - without recourse to complexity and complications. As easy-as-pie.

Problem/Solution

Consider me an Oversimplifier - that is a compliment because Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Jay Leno use Oversimplification - (generalizing) to thank for their superstar status.

We the public, from six-year olds to professionals, to Seniors with PhDs, H-A-T-E thinking, school, and education. It has to be said if you want to learn how to Manipulate - folks to your ideas and proposals.

Wait! Ma-nip-u-late - that word has a negative aura of twisting someone's arm to accept what you say. Yet everyone, every hour of the day is successfully or failing to manipulate their adversary (client) to accept our version of the facts.

Lawyers must manipulate clients to hire them instead of 42,000 other competent counselors. What about manipulating Judges and Juries? Manipulate means to persuade, convince, and influence. It also is a synonym for guide, direct and, negotiate. It is what Doers - do to succeed.

From intelligent folks to the other-kind, we all have problems - stuff that burns our fundament, and causes us pain. We do not want complex explanations. What do we all want? Solutions, cures, and answers, right? Problem/Solution is our universal life goal. Answers, not pleasant conversation.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=H._Bernard_Wechsler

Feel Better With Funny T-Shirts

2009-10-21T22:40:00.002-07:00

It's been an age-old belief that laughter makes sick people well. In fact, a lot of publications exploring the healing powers of humor have been released with scientific studies even confirming truth to these claims. Laughter is said to bring a lot of health benefits to people from increased immunity to decreased stress. It is even said that a simple smile will do although laughter still might be more effective in hastening an ill person's recovery. Definitely, this makes people automatically attracted to whatever tickles their funny bone, including funny t-shirts.

Aside from making people feel good, funny tees have also become a fashion phenomenon. Even celebrities have been spotted off cam wearing funny tees which surely helps in making them more popular. Besides, someone who wears a witty thought across his chest is generally viewed as cool. But beyond this physical appeal, we know there's always something more to the humor that is more mysterious and interesting. For example, did you know that laughter, genuine or not, sets off the same physiological reactions that produce the same healing effects in your body? This actually makes it healthy to laugh simply for health reasons which means a person who breaks into laughter without any apparent reason may not necessarily be a looney.

Did you also ever wonder why children tend to recover faster than adults even if they're generally more susceptible to diseases? This fact is being associated with kids' ability to find more reasons to laugh as compared to adults who tend to get too uptight with lessened capability to see humor in life as they age. This also means that it's always better for people to always try to see the brighter side of things no matter how gloomy they seem.

Somewhere out there, there's always a reason to be happy and growing a skill for spotting that reason is more likely to happen when humor becomes a way of life. It's not even always about laughing. Mere openness of the mind to receive humor is the most important part of all. Part of the healing wonders of laughter has something to do with the psychological dimension in a human being. Aside from the physiological benefits, laughter also works to improve one's disposition in life. And it is a guaranteed stress reliever which is probably one of its properties that gives it such tremendous power to heal. It is said that most of today's ailments are significantly linked to stress. Thus, it follows that controlling this stress through humor promotes healing.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_J._Parker

Gastric Band Humour

2009-10-21T22:40:00.001-07:00

A sense of humour helps when you have a laparoscopic lap band inserted. The change in lifestyle can take some adjusting to. I don't mean in the immediate stage after the banding but long-term. Once the weight has really started to come off and you are getting your figure and 'social acceptance' back.

One of my funnier and more memorable moments came when I went out on my first date. I was feeling pretty good about myself and we went to this very nice, swish fish restaurant down by the wharf. I loved fish and I knew it was one of the foods that I had no trouble at this stage of my banding eating. This was about 5 months after I had it done.

The evening was progressing well. He was charming and attentive and the evening lulled into darkness with the lights shining across the water. It was a very romantic setting. We had to wait a little bit for our order to arrive because the restaurant was busy so we had a couple of drinks first, as one does in such an ambient atmosphere.

What I had forgotten to take into account was the drinks (2 glasses of white wine) were quite filling so that by the time my dinner arrived, I hadn't had the time lapse for the fluid to pass through the band. Oh, bad miscalculation. The other thing that gave me a problem was I had never been to that restaurant before so I had to ask where the bathroom facilities were.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jan_Smith

Giving a Fake Lottery Ticket to a Friend is a Cool Way to See the Emotion of a New Lotto Winner

2009-10-03T07:01:00.003-07:00

Do you ever wonder how you would react the very moment you found out that you won the lottery? What emotions would you feel? Would you scream? Would you stay silent because of the shock? The only way to know for sure is to actually win it, which may be a little difficult to do, considering the odds. But you could do the next best thing. You could give a fake lottery ticket to a friend and see what the reaction of a new lotto winner would be.

You could buy fake lottery tickets online or in a novelty store. They're easy to get and can make for a really cool gag. But the best part of giving fake lottery tickets to friends is to see their reactions and emotions to finding out they're a winner. If they think the ticket is real, their reaction will be real. And, if you're anything like your friend, it could probably show you how you, yourself, would react to such a win.

Even if you can't find a store that you could buy a fake lottery ticket at, you could search online. There are many videos on the internet showing people scratch those fake instant scratch-off tickets because it's a gag that's so easy to set up - Just hide the camera, give a ticket to someone, and film them finding out that they're a new lottery winner.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tino_Sundin

How to Become a Member of the Time Traveler's Wives Club

2009-10-03T07:01:00.001-07:00

Life is unpredictable, and even more so if you are married to a Time Traveler. He is born with a rare genetic condition called "Chrono Displacement Disorder." As with any disorder, you have to adapt to what life has dealt him and this condition is no different. This manual describes how to become a member of the Time Traveler's wives club.

It is unknown as to the number afflicted with this anomaly, but the results are typically the same; at any time during the day or night he can end up catapulted through time only to be delivered naked in an unknown period. You will never know where or when he landed.

To truly find happiness while he is bouncing through the ages is to join a special wives club like this. They know what it's like spend many nights awake waiting for their husband to return with only partial recollections of your marriage.

To join, there are three major criteria:

1. You have to be married to a Time Traveler. This of course is a no brainer for you since he is always missing.

2. You have to be willing to explain the concept. This is crucial as many member wannabes try to join, but do not even understand the mechanics of time displacement.

3. You need to be willing to take regular regression hypnosis sessions. This will help you and the others remember the good old days with your time traveler. As the good old days change, your memories will adjust and create new ones.

Further studies by well known scientists like Dr. Emmet Brown, theorize that the universe time space continuum is being maintained through these individuals and that their service is crucial to the fate of mankind and the universe. You as a dutiful wife need to understand the service they are providing and the Time Traveler's wives club will help support your efforts.

In conclusion, we hope you have found this section on how to become a member of the Time Traveler's wives club informative. Your role in the master plan to fix the time space anomalies is crucial to the success of mankind.

Let's be serious, the reason you are reading this is that you had an interest in the title and off the wall twist of the subject. If you can relate to the character or like the material, subscribe to my articles for the future.

I do this to bring a smile or chuckle to your day, I have more of these little tidbits in a FREE PDF.

If interested in a shirt, a DVD or whatever, take a look around and feel free to obtain a piece of merchandise for yourself or someone else as it relates to the The Time Traveler's Wife or subject matter of this article.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Owen_Roberts

Tips on How to Become the Subject of a Media Frenzy

2009-10-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

Realty TV stars are hard to watch, but even harder to ignore if their real life turns into a paparazzi storm. If you are currently in the middle of your 15 minutes of fame and want to jump start your exposure to the mass media, this section on "How to become the subject of a media frenzy" is what you have been waiting for.

There once was a family in Pennsylvania that was the center of a reality show that made some good coin allowing the world to see their day to day rituals play out as they raised their 8 children on TV. With 2 older children and a set of sextuplets, they received mediocre ratings as their fan base watched them go the doctor, the grocery store and other exciting daily activities.

Then, out of nowhere, the paparazzi snaps a picture or two as one of the parental figures is seen leaving a strange home at a very strange hour. Uh oh! The fuse is lit, the media machine begins to churn and in a day or so, the tabloids are calling and you have a larger spotlight pointed right at you watching every twitch, and hanging on every word that you utter.

Congratulations, you are on your way to media frenzy stardom! The ratings go through the roof and your value to the network show has just escalated 10 fold. The next several weeks will be a myriad of interviews, speculation and surreal life situations that have never presented themselves before.

Another reality hyped frenzy that might also serve as an instructional guide along the multiple birth trail would include the story of "Octomom". People love to be entertained by real life multiple delivery families, and this one is no exception. She is even getting her own show on Fox, go figure.

We hope you find these tips on how to become the subject of a media frenzy enlightening and informative as you plan your 15 minutes fame.

Let's be serious, the reason you are reading this is that you had an interest in the title and off the wall twist of the subject. If you can relate to the character or like the material, subscribe to my articles for the future.

I do this to bring a smile or chuckle to your day, I have more of these little tidbits in a FREE PDF.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Owen_Roberts

Big Butts

2009-09-23T23:05:00.002-07:00

I come from German ancestry, almost all of my forebearers, are German. I am a third generation, American. However because of excessive in-breeding by my Grandparents, I am almost all German by descent.

Not too bad really, I was always a very good athlete, but there was one stigma I never could shake, The German big butt syndrome (GBBS). It seems that all Germans (and their progeny) have big butts! And I don't mean kinda big, I mean BIG.

Like I said I was always a good athlete, but even in the best of shape, I still had a noticeable butt. "Bubble butt" is what they called me at work 8 years ago, while at the time I was running 35mi. a week to prepare for a marathon!

Well here I am, 8 years older, and only jogging (maybe shuffling is a better term), 12 mi a week. I try not to make a habit of bending over in front of my crew at work. The whistles and the snickers, are very embarrassing! Hey! I can't help my DNA man! Show a brother some compassion will ya? And to think what a good boss (that's jeffe, in Spanish) I am to them.

Like "Dirty Harry" said,"A man has to know his limits", and right now my limits are being contained in a 36" waist. At least I know if I hap-hazardously bend over in front of someone, no one will get hurt, injured, or frightened unless I clip them with my big butt.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Muehleisen

A WW2 New Forest Cream Tea and a New Forest Pony Wee - What a Combination!

2009-09-23T23:05:00.001-07:00

At the moment I'm researching lots of information about the New Forest during WW2. I've been finding out loads of fascinating facts but had to stop and laugh when I read about a New Forest cream tea which went very wrong during World War Two.

Apparently, during WW2 it was still possible to enjoy the delights of a thigh-expanding cream tea - despite wartime restrictions. I presume if you had access to a cow, a field for grain and flour and a few strawberries growing in the veggie patch you were pretty much self sufficient for cream tea production in the New Forest during WW2.

There were literally thousands of wartime personnel living on the New Forest during WW2, not only British but also Canadian, American, Portuguese, and many more nationalities. Some were providing labour to build the many airfields which were springing up all over the New Forest, like the Irish and Pakistani workers.

Whoever they were, at this time of austerity, everyone would jump a the chance of a fat scone, dollop of cream, all topped with a generous spoonful of homemade jam.

Close to Picket Post, where the Ocknell campsite is today, was an old cottage which was being run as Dick Turpin's tearoom. You would step into the cottage through the front door and be straight into the front parlour, where tables and chairs were set out for you to enjoy your very welcome cup of tea.

Because it was the New Forest, and like my cottage is today, New Forest ponies would have been free to wander around during WW2. At Dick Turpin cottage, an old gelding (castrated), New Forest pony loved to stand with his head through the front door of the cottage, snoozing on his legs, or watching the cream teas being consumed with gusto.

At certain times of the year on the New Forest stallions are put out Their only job is to be really male and impregnate all the mares they can find. Even today this happens and most stallions are only intent on fulfilling this job. Although this was during WW2, even now they thunder about the New Forest, like kids on an asbo, and heaven help you if you get in their way when they've spotted a future conquest.

Well, the old geldings rump was sticking out at the front of the cottage and the local stallion spotted it. All other male New Forest ponies aren't tolerated by the stallions at this time. I have seen them forlornly standing at a distance from their regular herd of mares and last years foals, waiting for the time when the macho posturing has finished and they can again be allowed back into the herd.

Spotting this old male rump sticking out from the cottage door, the stallion saw it as a threat and immediately bit down hard!

Jonnie, the old gelding, awoke with a start and leapt forward! Of course forward was the front parlour where scones, cream, tea, and jam were being consumed with gusto. Jonnie piled into the cottage knocking over tables, people and teapots - tea went flying and jam and cream flew through the air.

Bedlam ensued, but Jonnie was still in a state of shock - his rump was punctured by a nasty row of knashers and he was very frightened.

He did a massive wee.

Well wouldn't you? Anyone who has been near a pony or horse when it does a wee knows that this isn't just a pint of golden nectar - it's gallons of the stuff and seems to go on forever.

So, amongst the debris of a tearoom which had suffered the equivalent of a nuclear attack, from what must have looked like a monster sized New Forest pony in such a small cottage, there then came flooding. Flooding from a hot pungent outdoor smelling source - Jonnies bladder.

Jonnie was calmed down and eventually stopped the flow of warm, pungent froth. Mops were brought out, tables set back up and cream and jam wiped from the walls and probably picked out of hair.

When all was back to normal one person was heard to say in a very British way - Does this happen often?

The owner of Dick Turpin tearoom could honestly say No! (and mutter thank God to themselves).

It must have really been a great tale to relive back at camp - for all those lucky enough not to have tried to experience a New Forest cream tea during WW2. I suppose it would be called getting up close to nature - no wonder they say today cream teas could be bad for you?

This is just one of my New Forest Tales which I have included on my unique travel guide. My guide is about living in the New Forest but should also be helpful if you are thinking of visiting the New Forest National Park in the UK.

I've found out an awful lot about the part that the New Forest played in the successful outcome of WW2 for the Allies. You can find out more if you want to at My New Forest Life travel Guide.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tina_Norman

Why Funny Quotes About Life Are Good For You

2009-09-23T23:04:00.001-07:00

The modern-day world can be quite stressful. It seems that no matter how much money you have, or how little money you have, everyone has got something to worry about. This is especially so with the way that the modern-day economy is going. For the last few years there have been small economic crises which have resulted in a time of economic recession.

If the worries get too much we can sometimes let it get to us. It can cause depression and other illnesses because of this. Worries sometimes turn into more serious issues when people start losing their jobs, or will have to take pay cuts in their jobs, or simply having to take on jobs that they don't like.

They say that laughter is the best medicine and I thoroughly agree with this. But the best ways to have a little chuckle is to read some funny quotes about life. Funny quotes about life will make you smile at the very least, and most of the time they will stick in your memory and you can tell others which spread the humor and the smiles.

What is it about funny quotes about life that are so good? Well for a start it's because they are about life in general. They take a fact about life, or a worry, or something that we all take very seriously, and they turn it on its head and point out the lighter side. They are way of expressing that we shouldn't take life too seriously. Life is short after all and to be honest we all should be laughing at every opportunity.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jack_A._Burton

Strange Days - The World's Top 75 Silly Holidays and Commemoration Days

2009-09-17T04:19:00.004-07:00

As I am wont to do on a Tuesday morning in July, I was daydreaming about International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which I make a point of honoring every year. And, in true Carrie Bradshaw style, I "couldn't help but wonder" how many other silly holidays and commemoration days there are in the world.

A quick trawl round the 'Net revealed that there are in fact hundreds of weird and wonderful holidays and commemoration days celebrated around the world. Far too many to list here, so here are my top 75. They're all real - Google them if you don't believe me!

16 January - Appreciate a Dragon Day
22 January - Answer your Cat's Questions Day ('When's dinner?' 'What's for dinner?' 'Dinner?')
26 January - Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
31 January - National Gorilla Suit Day
7 February - Wave all your Fingers at your Neighbours Day
8 February - Laugh and Get Rich Day
13 February - Blame Someone Else Day
21 February - Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day
3 March - What if Cats and Dogs had Opposable Thumbs Day
14 March - International Fanny Pack Day (possibly only funny in the UK)
20 March - Snowman Burning Day (how does that work?)
31 March - National "She's Funny That Way" Day
11 April - International "Louie Louie" Day
15 April - Take a Wild Guess Day
23 April - Talk like Shakespeare Day
24 April - National Hairball Awareness Day
26 April - Hug an Australian Day
1 May - No Pants Day
3 May - Lumpy Rug Day
3 May - National Two Different Coloured Shoes Day
4 May - Respect for Chickens Day
9 May- Stay up All Night Day
13 May - Root Canal Appreciation Day
14 May - National Chicken Dance Day
20 May - International Day of Dishwashing Liquids
22 May - National Wig Out Day
28 May - Slugs Return from Capistrano Day
2 June - Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day
6 June - Doo-dah Day
8 June - Upsy Daisy Day
19 June - World Sauntering Day
22 June - Stupid Guy Thing Day
26 June - Ugly Dog Day
29 June - Please Take my Children to Work Day (...because they are driving me bloomin' mad)
1 July - Second Half of the Year Day
2 July - I Forget Day
3 July - Compliment your Mirror Day (oh baby, you're soooo good at reflections...)
6 July - Take your Webmaster to Lunch Day
10 July - Don't Step on a Bee Day
13 July - Embrace your Geekness Day
22 July - Spoonerism Day
25 July - Cow Appreciation Day (oh Daisy, you're really moo-tiful)
7 August - Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
8 August - Sneak Some Zucchini onto your Neighbour's Porch Night (could this be any more random?)
12 August - Sewing Machine Day
17 August - Meaning of "is" Day (go on then - what does "is" mean?)
22 August - Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
28 August - Race your Mouse Around the Icons Day
28 August - Crackers Over the Keyboard Day
5 September - Be Late for Something Day
19 September - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
19 September - Wife Appreciation Day
19 September - Big Whopper Liar Day (I'm sure there's a way to combine all three of 19 September's silly holidays...)
26 September - Fish Amnesty Day (don't worry, Codfather - you're safe, for one day only)
12 October - International Moment of Frustration Scream Day
12 October - National Kick Butt Day
14 October - Be Bald and Be Free Day
17 October - World Toy Camera Day
22 October - Caps Lock Day (or is that CAPS LOCK DAY?)
27 October - Cranky Co-Workers Day
30 October - Create a Great Funeral Day (like you're going to be around to enjoy it...)
30 October - Haunted Refrigerator Night
8 November - Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day (my husband's socks ought to do the trick)
18 November - Married to a Scorpio Support Day
19 November - World Toilet Day
19 November - Have a Bad Day Day
20 November - Name your PC Day (I typed this list on Beryl, my trusty laptop)
25 November - Tie One On Day
30 November - Stay at Home because you're Well Day
1 December - Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day (totally baffled by this one... anyone?)
5 December - Ninja Day
5 December - Bathtub Party Day (those bathtubs really know how to celebrate)
15 December - Cat Herders Day
16 December - Barbie and Barney Backlash Day

And if none of those tickle your fancy, there's always 26 March - Make up your Own Holiday Day.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Anna_Clare

A Dog's View of Sports on TV

2009-09-17T04:19:00.003-07:00

(As told to Brian Hill by a Cocker Spaniel from Phoenix named Patches.) At our house, we watch a lot of sports on TV. When I was a puppy, I thought this was a big waste of a nice sunny day. After all, it meant less time available for playing outside in the yard or going to the dog park. But as I've matured (the other day I saw my reflection in the window and was shocked to see I have gray in my muzzle), I've begun to see the wisdom of spending the afternoon on the comfy sofa watching a game. Some people think dogs can't see TV or understand what's going on. That's nonsense. The only thing we can't do is call and purchase the products we see on infomercials, but a lot of that stuff seems like junk anyway. Myself, I even figured out how to order pay-per-view using the remote.

The great thing about TV sports is the variety. If I feel like a nap, there are quiet sports like golf, where after about an hour or so, both I and my master are taking a nice snooze. Football on the other hand, is really exciting for a dog. When we have people over and it's the fourth quarter of a game and they begin concentrating on the TV screen, it's a piece cake for me to sneak around and steal their snack foods. They don't even notice the food is gone most of the time. To you canines who may be novices at this, the key is to steal foods that are soft or those that can be eaten in a couple of gulps, before anyone sees you. Avoid crunchy chips. Cheese and cold cuts make great candidates for theft. On the other paw, one time during a playoff game I was able to take a whole pizza off the table and eat it. I still remember that pizza. Pepperoni. Yum.

When their team makes a touchdown, they all jump up and yell at the screen. This is the one time I don't get scolded for running around hysterically and barking. Yep, I'd have to say football is my favorite sport. The only thing I object to is something called the "Dawg Pound" at the Cleveland Browns games. This is a section of the stadium where fat guys dress up in costumes that are rude caricatures of the nobility and grace of real dogs. I find that to be a species-insensitive stereotype.

But I love following the flight of the ball on TV, no matter what the sport. Tennis is confusing because lately so many of the players make this barking sound when the smack the ball. I've tried to decipher what the barks mean in canine language, but it seems like it's just gibberish.

I've only watched hockey once but didn't like it much. The little rock thing they smack around goes too fast to keep an eye on and I don't like ice because it reminds me of the time we went up the snow for the holidays and my paws got too cold. I much prefer a trip to a warm beach. The next best thing is watching beach volleyball. Big ball, easy for me to follow on the screen. I've even seen spectators bring their dogs to tournaments at the beach. Now that's a civilized sport.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brian_E._Hill

Learning How to Be Funny is Not a Simple Task

2009-09-17T04:19:00.001-07:00

Learning how to be funny is actually not excessively difficult. You will run across a plethora of things on the internet that state that they can make you become funny and teach you the ropes in order to make you that way.

Many people say that humor is a thing of genetics. Not everyone has the right to be funny and even some people that try will never actually be considered to be funny. Being funny is not something that you learn from a course, and it is not something that you study in school.

Being funny is an attribute that you must have in order to get people to feel comfortable with you. There are a few basic steps that you can take to help you learn how to be funny, although most of them will not work if you don't put forth any effort to allow them to work correctly.

1. Gain knowledge of the perfect time.-People need to know when the mood is right to make a joke or to do something funny. If you try to be funny at the wrong time no one will like what you are saying, and you won't like the income.

2. Learn your audience. If you are talking to your family or friends, it's a good idea to find out what makes them laugh. Often times this is a simple thing to do since you are so close to them.

3. Do not repeat yourself. If someone laughs at your joke, do not repeat it again until your next encounter with the other person. People who repeat their jokes constantly turn more into a nuisance then someone that is thought to be funny.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lewis_Stonham

Be Careful When Making Fun of Dear Old Dad

2009-09-10T04:19:00.001-07:00

The tree you're standing under is me. The root you just tripped over? That was probably my dad. It's amazing how we become the very people we said we'd never be.

"Hey son! How is your day going?" My father has the ability to always sound as if he's just eaten a bottle of pep pills. It's a trait that has been passed down from former generations. "I'm doing fine," I replied. My parents and I talk nearly everyday and usually for good reason. They're either bewildered once again as to why the printer isn't working with their computer, or they're wondering why their computer isn't working with their printer. Either way, I've come to hate Bill Gates.

Our conversation that day was just a "catch up" on what's going on in our lives. I inform dad of my latest bookings for my public speaking and dad reciprocates by giving me his calendar information. Dad does what I do but does it for churches. In other words, my father and I get paid for what they used to put us out in the hallway for - talking a lot.

This particular morning our conversation didn't last long. Before hanging up, dad wanted to tell me he'd gotten a phone call from a certain person that was going to book him to do his finance seminar and then we said our goodbyes and hung up. Typical call. Typical day. So I thought.

Near the end of that same day, I got a second phone call from my dad with mom listening in on their other phone. They often are both on the line when they call. Just before hanging up, dad starts to tell me again about this person that had called and wanted to book him for a seminar. Now, before you think my dad is losing his memory, let me enlighten you. He's never had one. Not really but, my dad has forever been a story repeater, joke repeater, and story repeater, and joke repeater. This was just another story I was either going to politely listen to, again, or jump in and interrupt the inevitable.

I decided to respond with "You already told me this dad." Usually he says "oh" and we drop it. However, on this occasion he was certain he hadn't. I insisted he had and began to repeat the details of the name, place and circumstances he had shared earlier in the day. Hesitant to surrender, he finally did with "oh, I guess I must have already told you." I could hear mom laughing on the other phone and we all chuckled as our conversation came to an end.

The next day my daughter, my wife and myself were sitting around our dinner table getting ready to eat. I started to engage them in conversation by telling about the phone call I had with my dad the day before. I laughed as I was going to great lengths to explain to my wife and teenage daughter how Grandpa Jack was so insistent that he hadn't repeated his story when in fact he had. While still in the middle of making fun of my dad, my daughter started to laugh and interrupted me with the following line. "Dad, you already told us about your conversation with Grandpa. You told us last night." - True Story!

Moral of the Story?

I don't remember the moral of the story. Ask my daughter.

JL Glass is a nationally known motivational speaker and marketing guru. Over the years he has owned a variety of small businesses, from restaurants to real estate. JL is known for his skilled use of humor and story telling. As a keynote speaker he loves to make his audiences laugh while challenging them to learn from his mistakes before they make their own.

JL's life story includes surviving the journey of his 4-year-old son's near death experience with bacterial spinal meningitis and his 7-year-old daughter's 9 hour brain tumor surgery. JL knows all too well what cloudy days can bring and how good the morning sunshine can feel.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=JL_Glass

The Writer in the Family

2009-09-10T04:17:00.002-07:00

I pride myself on being the writer in the family. But lately my husband has been threatening to write a book. He even has a title picked out - HOW MARTHA STEWART RUINED MY LIFE.

His newfound literary aspirations are due to my recent admiration for America's legendary queen of style and substance. The other day when I happily announced, "Just look at all the new foods we've been trying! We've broken out of our meat-and-potatoes rut," my husband pointed to the Martha Stewart Living magazine on the coffee table, and roared, "Yeah, and it's all HER fault!"

So he doesn't like change. Who knew?

The change started when I quit my job a few years ago to stay home to write. Writing eight hours a day isn't as glamorous as it sounds. Sure, you can sit around and work in your pajamas all day and never ever have to worry about combing your hair or wearing anything without an elastic waistband (my idea of heaven). But writing is hard work! You have to take plenty of breaks, drink numerous cups of coffee or tea, and snack several times a day just to keep your creative juices flowing.

I turned on the television one afternoon as I was making tea. There was Martha - demonstrating how to make lampshades out of string. I was hooked!

Now every afternoon I leave my computer, switch on the TV, and relax with Martha. Lately, she's been showing America how to "escape from the ordinary" with new taste sensations. As a result I've developed an intense fascination with root vegetables - my husband's worse nightmare.

"I refuse to eat anything with over five ingredients I can't identify!" he declared one evening.

I was ladling Martha's Fall Ragout (pronounced "Ragoo") into a bowl before him.

"Relax," I told him. "You've had these things before."

He eyed me suspiciously. "I only recognize the carrots!"

I decided to humor him. "Okay...let's just see what all is in here, shall we?"

He folded his arms across his chest. Our sons arrived at the table.

"What's going on?" asked Tyler.

"Nothing," I answered. "I'm just explaining dinner."

Tyler stared at his Ragout.

"Explaining it? We need directions or something?"

Our other son, Nick, sat quietly.

"No, I'm just identifying things for Dad," I said.

Nick piped up, "I see a carrot!"

"What's that round, yellowish thing?" asked Tyler.

"A parsnip," I said, "the white things are turnips."

My husband fished out two white lumps from his bowl. "What white things? I thought those were potatoes!"

"Those ARE potatoes, but these white things are turnips."

"What's this orange cube?" he asked with a frown.

"Butternut squash." I said. My head was beginning to ache.

My husband made a face.

"Uh...Mom, there's something lumpy at the bottom of my soup," Nick said sheepishly.

"It's not soup, dear, it's Ragout. And that's just the polenta."

Chairs scraped the floor as they all scooted back from the table.

"Po - what?" Nick asked.

"Just eat it!" I snapped. "And, I don't wanna hear another word. From anybody!"

The room was dead silent for the rest of the meal.

But I'll show 'em. Tomorrow night - it's rutabagas!

That oughta give my husband something to write about!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Suzanne_Lieurance

Men Are Not From Mars!

2009-09-10T04:17:00.001-07:00

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Or so they say. But sometimes, I think my husband is from Uranus. Not that he's dumb or anything. Far from it. But his behavior certainly baffles me. It's just so far out there! Take last night. I was baking cookies when I suddenly noticed the time.

"Yikes! Can you take these cookies out of the oven for me when they're done?" I asked him. "I was supposed to be at an online workshop 10 minutes ago!"

"Sure...no problem," he said.

And I went dashing off to the computer to log on.

I left the cooling racks out for the cookies, along with a plastic storage bag to put the cookies in once they had cooled. It wouldn't take a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist to finish with this job. I was confident he could handle it.

Now here's where Uranus comes in. When my workshop was over I went back downstairs to see if my husband had remembered the cookies. He remembered them all right. He even baked the rest of the batter that was left in a bowl in the refrigerator. But the cooling racks and the plastic storage bag were setting on the counter, while the cookies were all stacked on top of each other on two plates, covered with aluminum foil.

Now my husband is the type of guy who plays chess to relax. He worked Rubic's Cube in about 10 minutes when it first came out years ago, and his favorite library book at the moment is called Conquering Calculus. So wouldn't you think he could figure out that hot, gooey cookies, oozing with melting chocolate chips, would stick together if they were piled on a plate, straight from the oven? Apparently not. Instead of several dozen chocolate chip cookies, we now have two (count 'em, two) chocolate chip cookie MOUNTAINS, firmly cemented to two of our good dinner plates.

When I saw the cookie mountains last night I didn't say anything.

My husband eyed me nervously. "What'd I do wrong now?" he asked.

"Did I say you did something wrong?" I answered.

"You didn't have to," he said. "You've got that look."

And he was right. I had the look. The one that says, "Women may be from Venus, but I swear, men are from Uranus!"

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Suzanne_Lieurance

Causes of Laughter

2009-09-10T04:16:00.000-07:00

We all laugh; we all know this sensation that is regulated by the brain, but have you ever asked why do we laugh? What do we think that is so funny, so we start laughing out loud?

There are three theories about what we find funny: the incongruity theory, the superiority theory and the relief theory.

The incongruity theory was elaborated in 1970 by the German philosopher Immanuel Kant in "The Critique of Judgment". This theory suggests that what causes laughter is the "non-matching" of what we expect to happen and what really happens. When a joke begins, our mind and body anticipates what is about to happen. That anticipation is intertwined with our emotions and past experiences, so, when a joke goes in a different direction we need to switch gears and new emotions invade our brain - we experience two sets of incompatible thoughts. In conclusion, we are laughing out loud!

The superiority theory is based on laughing of somebody's mistake or stupidity. We feel superior to that person so we start laughing.

The relief theory or the release theory was defined by Sigmund Freud - he has a strong argument which holds that "all laughter results from a release of excessive energy". With this theory Freud explains the "type" of laughter that allows us to release or to get rid of a very stressful thought. He thinks that this theory can be applied when we talk about sexual or hostile feelings. It allows us to hint and to say things that we would never say in a polite and serious conversation. Freud says that this is the theory that we apply when we tell something serious about someone, that person gets mad and we hide behind this cliché: "I was joking!".

Another way to laugh out loud is by tickling. When another person tickles us we can't stop laughing because our brain is surprised with exterior actions. Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Have you observed that you simply can't laugh? It's strange, but scientists, after they built a "tickle machine", they found out that our brain needs to be surprised with foreign actions. How the brain uses this information about tension and surprise is still a mystery.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Petre_An

So, You Fell in Love With a Vampire

2009-08-26T09:24:00.003-07:00

So, you fell in love with a vampire. Congratulations! Now, here are a few tips and some advice on how to survive the first intimate encounter.

You might be wondering, "How did I get here?" Truthfully, I'm wondering that too, but put that aside for now and look deeply into the mirror. Not at your eyes, examine your neck along the raised lines on both sides that, if you press your fingers to them, will pulse under the pads of your fingertips.

No pulse? You're dead so skip the next three paragraphs.

Pulse feels strong? Excellent! It's time to discuss how to keep it that way. One idea is convincing your vampire lover to not suck on your neck. Alternatively, you might suggest he or she wear tiny silver sleeves over their "canine" teeth. The silver might present a problem, but you cannot be too safe these days.

Another alternative, is wearing some kind of protection. Safe sex is good sex. However, you will need to wear a collar that is bite proof. Check with your veterinarian for something in leather. The styles are varied and attractive. If your vampire is particularly aggressive, a bit long in the tooth, you may want to go with a lightweight chain mail collar.

Silver comes to mind, but your vampire might object, pulling his or her head back and hissing, while glaring in your direction. It is never a good idea to get your vampire too angry, so let's skip silver and try something in stainless steel. The collar may feel heavy, but it will prove advantageous when the going gets hot and it does make a nice fashion statement if properly polished.

Once you reach the point in the relationship when you are willing to touch your vampire, do not be surprised at the complete lack of activity within his or her torso. Remember your vampire is dead. His or her heart stopped beating a long time ago, and unless you are willing to donate several pints of your own blood, he, or she will not warm up very much to your tender touch. Do not let this distract you from the reason you are embracing your vampire. Love is blind after all.

The next issue we want to discuss is fingernails. Your vampire's nails will keep growing as will his or her hair. Your vampire's nails, however, will, under moonlight glow a pale off-white. They will look kind of like sun-bleached bone, opal or an eggshell. Your vampire's nails will grow quickly too, and on occasion you may find bits and pieces of flesh and blood under them. That is to be expected. Your vampire must kill to continue existing, not to be confused with alive. Unless you did not feel a pulse when we began this conversation, you are alive and if you are extremely careful, you may stay that way for years to come.

Your vampire's temperature may present you with a problem difficult to overcome. You see, since your vampire is dead, he or she will feel like a corpse. In fact, I have been told that a vampire's body temperature is very low. This helps them remain stable during the long hours of night when they can spend time outside their hideaway, i.e. coffin. Should you need time to recuperate after a long embrace, do not hesitate to explain to your vampire that the difference in body temperatures requires you to take a breather.

If you are not bothered by your vampire's frigid touch, you may be dead too, so do not worry about the loss of sensation.

Finally, we come to the most important event in a relationship, consummation. All of us know, or should if we are adults, exactly what I am implying. Therefore, details are not necessary. If you want details, go online and give it a search.

Your vampire's take on consummation will be vastly different that yours will be. First off, your vampire is dead, so the necessary body parts will not respond as if he or she were alive. Flaccid comes to mind, frigidly flaccid is descriptively better. And of course, since your vampire is dead, there will be no fluids, i.e. lubrication. Be patient and be prepared and I think the first night together will be extremely memorable.

PS: if you have decided that the life of a vampire is the life for you, introduce the idea to your vampire using caution. He or she, depending on the state of their satiation, might become anxious and drain you dry before recalling your request. Your vampire must not suck you dry, but leave enough fluids in your body than when you bite into him or her in return you have the strength for a successful strike.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Larry_Schliessmann

Funny Top Ten Lists - What Do Men and Women Find Funny?

2009-08-26T09:24:00.001-07:00

Writers of funny top ten lists are well-aware that the characteristics of our audience largely determine whether or not a list will be considered funny. Therefore, it seems appropriate to take a brief look at the most important audience characteristic of all: males versus females.

Boys will be boys.

Biologically, men and women have one primary function: reproduction. Although the ways in which we actually conduct our reproductive roles may not appeal to everyone's civilized sensibilities, the following well-accepted facts accurately describe the roles that men and women are instinctively compelled to play.

A man's job is to make sure that his DNA is passed on, by having sex with as many healthy, fertile women as possible. Success is invariably achieved at the expense of other competitors; often, by permanently eliminating them. The unending series of wars which have been going on since the dawn of time has always provided the perfect excuse for this brutal elimination contest.

Since men go through life knowing that they may one day have to take the lives of other men, they instinctively maintain a certain amount of "emotional distance" from others. They are always concerned that rival males will interpret any display of sensitivity as a sign of weakness.

Surprise! Women are slightly more complicated.

A woman's job is to attract the DNA of men who have the power and resources to give her children the best chance of survival. However, Mother Nature has saddled her with an additional problem: although she is always in competition with other women for the best DNA, she desperately needs their cooperation in two important areas.

She must be able to count on them to take care of her children if she can not do so herself. She also depends on other females to give her the emotional support that is generally not available from men.

As a result, women are extremely careful not to offend one another, because they can not risk alienation and possible ostracism by other females. Yet many of these same women are potential competitors; and hence, not completely trustworthy! The upshot is that women go through life constantly analyzing each others' words for any evidence of un-sisterly behavior.

And make no mistake. Whenever women are engaged in the deadly serious business of competing for a mate, their never-ending search for verbal backstabbing is quite likely to hit pay dirt.

If the sandal fits.

Anthropologists agree that men are biologically programmed to take life, almost as casually as they create it. They are highly aggressive, and relatively insensitive to the feelings of others. Men are constantly striving to achieve a position of physical or economic supremacy over the competition, because it's the biological key to attracting the most desirable females.

Women, on the other hand, are far more sensitive, sociable creatures, whose biological imperative is to create and nurture life. They are no less competitive than men, but they chose to use their intuitive grasp of various emotional triggers, and their highly developed verbal skills, to avoid physical combat with each other. Their standard technique is to hurt each other's feelings (which can be devastatingly effective).

Not surprisingly, men's and women's respective senses of humor must conform to their sharply contrasting lifestyles.

You say tomatoes, I say frozen squash.

As we have seen, women are conditioned to carefully avoid the use of obvious personal put downs. The flip side of this ironclad feminine rule is that it's perfectly acceptable to attack anyone who violates the rule! And this is precisely what many women do, whenever comedy writers cross the "Painful Put Down" line.

Comedy writers often violate women's sacred code of communication, by making insensitive remarks about almost everything under the sun. Women generally dislike this type of humor. They spend so much time and energy trying to decode the put downs in other women's remarks, that they just don't care to deal with any more insensitive zingers and hurt feelings when they seek out a little comic relief.

Men, on the other hand, who play a lifelong game of one-upmanship with their male rivals, can never seem to get enough of these hurtful put downs. In fact, the more insulting the punch line, the better men like it. After all, even the most insensitive personal attacks don't seem particularly offensive to men ... when compared to actually killing their competitors!

Research has also shown that men and women are complete opposites when it comes to identifying with the butt of a joke. Men tend to laugh at those with whom they don't readily identify, while women prefer a style of humor that requires them to sympathetically identify with the object of a joke.

What's good for the goose ...

Men like to think of themselves as tough and superior. Therefore, they tend to laugh at otherpeople (with whom they never closely identified anyway). Men especially like insensitive put downs, because they serve to validate their own natural aggressiveness.

Women like to think of themselves as sweet and caring. Because they know from first-hand experience just how deeply words can hurt, they tend to reject humor that hurts other people's feelings. They are much more inclined to laugh at situations; especially those in which they can easily picture themselves.

All of this should serve as a red flag to the comedy writer. And on that flag is the following warning: "Always aim for a carefully selected target audience, because it's devilishly difficult to hit two birds with only one stone."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Don_G._Asmus

Funniest Joke in the World - What is It?

2009-08-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

Cultures vary greatly in their perception of what's funny -- you'll realize this if you ever travel to a foreign culture and attempt to translate a joke that works well in your native culture. This fact didn't stop Professor Richard Wiseman (of the The British Association for the Advancement of Science) to attempt to determine what is the funniest joke in the world. The joke would have to be ranked highest among many countries of vastly different cultures.

The project set out a request for joke submissions. The result was 40,000 jokes. The researchers had the jokes rated by a large sample population from diverse areas of the globe. The project was formally called LaughLab.

I've often thought that if mankind ever discovered the funniest joke in the world, he may fall into a constant state of laughter and never regain his composure, possibly resulting in cardiac arrest or asphyxiation. In other words, he may laugh himself to death. I wondered if perhaps an ancient people had discovered the funniest joke, and had determined that it's deadly for people to hear. Maybe it's hidden in an ancient realm -- like the ark of the covenant -- possibly guarded by a long line of comedians. Is it like the DaVinci Code: A secret that mankind was never meant to uncover?

We may never know that answer, but at least we'll know what Dr. Wiseman determined to be the funniest joke across all cultures, Fortunately it won't send you into a deadly laughing fit. According to a multi-cultural sample, the funniest joke is the following:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Soren_Michaels

Even More Depressing Pandemic Alert

2009-08-15T00:46:00.001-07:00

The government today issued a new public health alert, warning of the arrival of a pandemic even more depressing than the last one.

"Just in case any of our citizens woke up this morning feeling chirpy," said Health supremo, Joe Supremo (97), "we got together with supremos from the press and the Ministry of Panic to put together this new reason not to be. After all, this is a Democracy and nobody has a right to feel exempt from the gloom that is the birthright of every citizen."

Mr Supremo went on to say that the government takes the new threat to the life of every man woman and child (and pet) on the planet so seriously, they are no longer calling it a "pandemic" but, at the suggestion of the press supremo, Craig Bi-Polar (46â...œ), have renamed it a "carnagedemic."

[Editor's note: insert here photo of Labrador with bleak, haunted eyes, wearing a blue face mask. Caption: "Carnagedemic. All pets could die."]

Mr Bi-Polar explained further: "An epidemic is rubbish, quite frankly. Doesn't have the pizzaz it used to have. So for a while we had pandemics, which had the virtue of sounding more threatening than an epidemic by having "pan" attached to it instead of "epi," which sounds a bit girly. A threat qualifies as a pandemic if it kills, or makes poorly, as many as five people (or pets). We needed a new nickname for a threat that will kill, or might kill, more than five people (or pets). The name needed to look good in headlines and prompt people (or pets) to reach into their pockets and cough up the loot for a newspaper out of a sense of alarm (or terror). Recently we have suffered from an epidemic of pandemics and the public is starting to get bored with the whole thing. This has led to an epidemic of public not being unduly alarmed, which caused to flare up a pandemic of slumping newspaper sales. We can now confidently state the matter is under control and look forward to a week of headlines that will really shake up the complacent tight-fisted swine."

[Editor's note: insert here photo of baby with bleak, haunted eyes wearing face mask. Caption: "Be afraid!"]

But what of the carnagedemic? Health reports indicate it may already have claimed thousands of lives and is set to claim many thousand more, although scientists point out that it depends on whether you define "claimed" as "killed" or "could have killed".

One scientist, who did not want to be named, or indeed identified at all, for legal reasons, disclosed in a taped interview left on the answer machine of the Daily Scare that the carnagedemic is, or might be, invariably fatal for anyone who dies from it and there is lots of hard rumour that it is, or might be, the cause of insanity or depression in those who contract it and that nobody is immune, or at least those who contracted it weren't.

[Ed's note: insert here picture of baby wearing full bio suit, its eyes visible though the transparency should be bleak and full of despair. Caption: "Abandon hope! Start looting!"]

The method of transmission of the disease, dubbed "Mad Hack's Virus," is uncertain, although all the evidence points to a virus. If it turns out not to be a virus, the disease will have to, obviously, be renamed, which will simply add to the confusion so everyone is keeping their fingers crossed that it really is a virus.

It is believed that MHV or "Newspaper Flu" as it is also known, is somehow transmitted by contact with tabloid newspapers. Certainly there is as yet no recorded case of any citizen (or pet) contracting the disease who does not read newspapers.

A source close to Buckingham Palace (the bloke leaning on the railings) told this reporter: "What the government isn't telling us is that virtually no-one is safe if MHV is transmitted through contact with newspapers because according to the Office of Made Up Statistics more than 97% of people read newspapers, although admittedly only 3% of these remember what they have read."

MHV has all the hallmarks of a classic attention-grabbing, panic-inducing and hence money-spinning disease, namely: it is invisible, it is "everywhere," its symptoms can easily be confused with innocuous ailments such as the common cold or not enough caffeine, it has the word "virus" or "flu" in it.

Do you have Newspaper Flu? Probably, says the Ministry of Panic. Certainly said Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals, whose Public Relations Officer, Joe Satan (14) first alerted everyone to the presence of this new stalking carnagedemic menace in our midst shortly after Grimm Reaper Laboratories invented an antidote for it.

"MHV is certainly proving to be a popular ailment," said Mr Satan. When it was pointed out that there was no evidence that MHV had actually killed anyone, Mr Satan said, " Well that just goes to show how effective our antidote, Docile 24/7, is."

What are the symptoms of the new disease? Opinions vary but here is a list of what they could be and certainly if you have any of these, you are advised to panic or Docile on the National Health immediately:

Disorientation
Depression
Anxiety
Loss of ability to think (or spell).
Paranoia (feeling threatened by a dark, vague, lurking menace you can't see)
Tendency to blame immigrants/religion/hoodies/parents for everything
Feeling panicky.
Hysteria
Becoming sick with worry.

One victim, who is, miraculously, not dead told this reporter:

"I became sick shortly after reading the Daily Scare over me breakfast cornflakes, I think it was last Tuesday's headline: "millions of air breathers die every year" that set me off. The first thing I noticed is I got the shakes and became very nervous. Then I kind of completely lost the will to live. I felt like I was doomed to die a horrible death no matter what I did. Then I became acutely aware of every little muscular twinge or fleeting discomfort in me body. By the time I'd finished me boiled egg and soldiers I was convinced I had at least twelve different viruses, all of which are named after animals. Then I called me doctor and he gave me a prescription for something that enabled me to hear colours and I've been on Venus where it's safe from the alien head termites ever since...."

Latest figures suggest that MHV may have infected as many as ten million people in the UK alone. The government, in the best tradition of bolting stable doors after the horse has not only bolted but emigrated to France, retired, written its memoirs, died and been forgotten, has purchased a hundred million face masks.

When it was put to the Health Supremo that the masks are in fact completely useless and no defense at all against Newspaper Flu, Mr Supremo explained, " That has never stopped the government buying face masks before. The purchase of face masks has long been standard practice, favoured by Ministers bullied by the press into responding to an emergency they know little or nothing about. It reassures the public that the government is acting decisively in the best traditions of headless chickens."

(Ed's note: include picture here of baby dressed in deep sea diver's suit. Caption: "Flee for your lives!")

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kieron_Mcfadden

The Need For Daily Humor

2009-08-15T00:45:00.003-07:00

People will always seek out daily humor and daily stories from the top sites around the web. When you think of how many people are sitting around at all times, bored at work or at home, it is only normal to want a quick laugh and where better than the computer, where you don't have the necessary commitment that you would with a phone call to a friend or loved ones. Besides, the humorous daily stories you find online may be even funnier than your friends.

One of the benefits of these daily humor type of stories is that they are short! That's right, get your daily dose of humor with short stories, get a quick laugh, and then you can get back to work or friends and family or whatever it is you may want to do during the day. Which might even be creating your own dose of daily stories and humor that others may laugh at as you become either their comic relief, or just today's jerk as they're reading about you somewhere.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Valerie_Mercedez

Her Majesty's Government to Relocate to Poland Shock

2009-08-15T00:45:00.001-07:00

Newsflash
England April 21st 2009

The British Government announced today that it is relocating its centre of operations to Poland.

In what is considered to be the most radical shake-up of the administration since the Roman invasion, Parliament and Whitehall will take up residence next year in vacant warehousing facilities near the dockyards in Gdansk.

A source close to the Prime Minister said, "The government has decided to take a leaf out of private industry's book. With most public interfacing now being done via call centers in India and most of Britain's manufactured goods now being produced by slave labor in the Third World, it is the turn of the government to remove itself to a location as remote from the public as possible."

The move is believed to offer several advantages, not least of which is that it will enable the government to go about its business in peace and quiet. Poland is actually empty at this time, its population having upped sticks and moved to Britain to pursue a job vacancy at the Bingley Road Chef.

For the same reason, Polish property is cheap. This will slash government overheads and enable it to pour funds into its campaign to provide shoes for our soldiers in Iraq.

"By the end of next year" said our spokesman, "every British soldier serving in Iraq will probably have at least one boot if this economy measure goes through."

An opposition spokesman however poured cold water on the government's "Boots for Iraq" claim, saying: "While we believe this move to be an eminently sensible idea, the government's claim about boots is typically premature. The public are tired of wild promises. We should wait and see how much money is left after the costs of the move are factored in before we get carried away. However we do believe that the savings that can be may offset some of the cost of the move and probably necessitate only a small tax hike to cover the remainder. This is good news for the British tax payer."

The move of administrative headquarters to Poland is but part of a broader strategy involving the subsequent relocation of all British citizens to Poland, which being a geographically larger area will offer the Brit more elbow room than he is accustomed to.

As for infrastructure, that is not believed to be a problem. After decades of Communist and post-Communist mismanagement, the Brits should feel at home with Polish infrastructure.

"Poland offers many attractive incentives for the British to move there," said our source. "Property is cheap and the country is almost devoid of foreigners."

Then, hinting at more long-term plans for Britain, he added. "Ultimately we could rename Poland "Great Britain" and rename Britain "Poland" and everything would be back to normal."

A spokesman for the opposition was scathing about the idea: "We think the suggestion is preposterous. It would be better to rename the two countries "Britand" and "Polain" respectively."

We surveyed the public on the idea of relocating the government and 93% were enthusiastic about moving the government as far away as possible. Most thought an orbiting space station would be preferable to Poland - providing the space station was orbiting Uranus. At least we THINK that's what they said...

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kieron_Mcfadden

Have You Ever Worked in Retail?

2009-08-08T09:29:00.005-07:00

Working a part time job in retail has become a necessity for me. It seems being glib and trying to make people laugh on the internet is about as lucrative as being a lifeguard in the Sahara Desert. For those who have ever worked, or are currently working, a retail job, you will probably agree that after dealing with the public, you seem to gain a new perspective of human nature.

I work for a nationally known shoe store, where the consumer comes in, finds a shoe they like, finds a box with their size written on it, tries the shoes on and proceeds to the cashier to make their purchase. Here's good news for men. No matter how many times your wife has yelled at you to pick up your clothes, women, in a shoe store, are slobs. Not all of them, mind you, but far more women will leave a stack of shoes in the middle of the aisle for other people to trip over then men. And, after a three and a half year study, it appears that the smaller the foot, the bigger the mess. It's like the smaller shoe size means a smaller I.Q.

So, here are some tips, you, as the consumer, should follow when shopping in one of these establishments. First, ladies, pick up after yourself. It's not our job to clean up your mess. We're not your mommies. If this is the way your house looks, you need disaster relief.

Also, when you use those disposable peds that are available for your use, keep in mind that they are disposable. So, don't leave your nasty, smelly, peds that have been on your unwashed feet, on the floor for the sales help to pick up. Would you want to pick up a perfect stranger's used underwear? Probably not. There are garbage cans conveniently located throughout the store for you to dispose of them. Use them. And tell your kids they are not headgear. So, quit letting them stretch them over their heads, especially if your kids found them on the floor and aren't the ones you thoughtlessly discarded.

Speaking of kids, there is nothing more boring for a kid then to watch grownups try on several dozen pairs of shoes. This causes unrest and soon your little darlings are running around the store, playing trip the sales help, or some other lethally dangerous game. Here's a good idea. Leave them at home. They'll appreciate your trusting them to fend for themselves and you'll be relieved that it wasn't them that knocked over that expensive display case.

Most importantly, and this goes for the men as well as the women, familiarize yourself with what time the store closes. Don't waltz in five minutes before closing and start looking to upgrade your wardrobe. If you can't get there the 12 hours the store is open, then perhaps mail order might be an option. We would like to go home and be with our families and friends. More than likely, you don't like it when someone comes in, just as you're about to dive for the exit at your job at quitting time, only to find out that something must be done before you go home. Retail workers are the same way.

In addition, we tend to get a little cranky when we've been on our feet all day. I can think of three instances, just as the store was about to close, that I may have been a little less than user friendly, because someone came up to me with the "Stupid Question of the Day."

1. During a busy boot sale, the floor was trashed with boots all over the place, out of their boxes and strewn about. A woman came up to me as we were trying to clean this disaster up and asked me, "Where would I find Italian boots?" My response: "In Italy."

2. A man, who had me watching him try on the same two pairs of shoes, for over a half hour, because he couldn't decide which pair to buy inquired, "I hope I haven't taken too much of your time. Have I?" My response: "I've had warts go away faster than you."

3. My favorite was the woman whose three kids kept pulling shoes out of boxes and bringing them to their mother who, instead of telling the kids to stop doing this, would then just stick the shoes anywhere on the shelves, asked me, "What is your return policy?" My response: "Don't."

So, in conclusion, if you've never worked in retail, perhaps you should, if only for a short time. You'll gain a new respect for these people who work hard, for small wages, and continue to smile. (I've found sticking a shoe horn in my mouth, achieves this goal.)

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Carl_Megill

Funny Questions About Life

2009-08-08T09:29:00.003-07:00

Those Funny Questions About Life Keep On Coming.

Ever had one of those funny questions about life? Then please read on.

When it comes to funny questions and thoughts about life, every time think I've seen them all I find one I've never seen before or come up with more of my own. The following are some of the ones I've discovered or written however, I know there's more because thats, well... life. So, if you find while reading these funny questions and thoughts about life make you smile, pass them along. All right, let's get started!

Humorous questions - Group 1 Why does Hawaiian pizza also contain Canadian Bacon? Grape Nuts cereal. No grapes - no nuts. Huh? What's the difference between regular ketchup and fancy ketchup? Do Dutch people always split the bill? If you use Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread, do you have to use Heavenly Ham?

Wacky Questions about life - Group 2 Is there ever a day that mattresses aren't on sale? They make bullet proof vests, why not bullet proof pants? Why are oriental rug stores always going out of business? Is there any difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?

Mildly amusing Questions about life - Group 3 If it only takes one match to start a forrest fire, why on earth does it take me a whole box of matches and a can of lighter fluid to light my grill? When they ship those styrofoam peanuts, what do they pack them in? How do you know when pickles or sour cream has gone bad?

Zany Questions about life - Group 4 How does one know when their bagpipes need tuning? Allstate Insurance has a disclaimer that reads: not available in all states. What? If Donkey Kong's main character is a monkey, why isn't it called Monkey Kong? Why does the word lisp have an "s" in it?

Questions about life - Group 5 How come you never read the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"? The next time someone says, "Now I've seen everything", ask them if they've ever seen a UPS truck parked in a parking space. Has anyone ever really seen a Jolly Rancher? If you get a club soda stain, how do you remove it?

Funny Questions about life - Group 6 Has anyone (besides Donald Trump's wife) ever been fooled by a comb over? Is it really possible to change the direction of a bowling ball by waving your hands? There's senior citizens, so why aren't there junior citizens?

Funny Questions about life - Group 7 They say laughter is the best medicine - so who came up with the phrase, "I died laughing"? Why do doctors leave the room when your getting dressed? After all, they've already seen you naked. What's wrong with the United States? They only have two choices for President, but fifty for Miss America. Any reason they nail down the lid of a coffin? When butterflies get upset or nervous, what do they get in their stomachs?

Funny Questions about life - Group 8 Where do they put price stickers on non-stick pans? If it's called lipstick, why is it always coming off? When they sing, "Take me out to the ball game" they're already there. Why? Who's idea was it to make the word abbreviation so long?

Yes, these are just a few of the Funny Questions about life that try men's - and women's souls. And there's a ton more funny questions about life not listed here. Some of them come to me during the course of a day. For example, why does every shampoo bottle say, lather, rinse, repeat? I'm sorry, did I miss my head entirely the first time or do you just want to sell more shampoo? If you have or have thought up any funny questions of life yourself, feel free to send them along and thanks for wasting a few minutes of your life pondering these funny questions of life. Now get out there and do something good. Like figuring out what people in China call their good plates.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Hal_Eisenberg

10 Ways to Get Rid of Annoying People

2009-08-08T09:29:00.001-07:00

No matter how disinterested you appear or the excessive number of times you need to "take care of something immediately," some people just don't get the hint that they are super annoying. So just remember a few of these tips and I doubt they'll ever want to speak to you again.

1. Defend Bernie Madoff. "Everyone deserves a second chance and I think Bernie has been through enough. Let's start an office donation for his poor wife and kids."

2. Argue that dinosaurs never existed. "Aliens put dinosaur bones on Earth years ago so that we would think they existed."

3. Describe the nutritional content of everything you see them eat. If this doesn't work, you can constantly talk about how they are negatively impacting the environment.

4. Stare at their forehead during the entire conversation.

5. Sketch them while they are talking to you. Be sure to exaggerate any noticeable imperfections before handing them the picture.

6. Pass gas while they are talking and say, "I refuse to apologize for my high fiber diet."

7. Ask them for $100 every time they start talking to you.

8. Wear a superhero costume under your clothes. Say, "Can you keep a secret?" and then lift up your shirt.

9. Play the role of stenographer if you are near a keyboard. It is crucial that you DO NOT speak while using this technique. Just keep documenting their conversation until they walk away.

10. Explain why Michael Vick is innocent. "Those dogs were born to fight; it's what they love. If anything, Michael Vick should be praised for letting those dogs express themselves naturally."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Guy_Bellefonte

Office Refrigerator Nightmares

2009-08-03T07:07:00.001-07:00

The smell is comparable to a dead corpse and is enough to warrant a visit from a local CSI team.

It's a combination of once living mystery meat and a disturbing growth inside a forgotten Tupperware bowl.

What is this dreaded smell?

It's the office refrigerator.

Like millions of other offices throughout the country, we have a community refrigerator which is shared by at least twenty co-workers. This wouldn't be such a bad thing if everyone pitched in and helped keep it clean.

For whatever reason, many of my co-workers leave their half-eaten lunches in the refrigerator. The forgotten lunches are left to rot like a zombie in a low budget Ed Wood horror movie. It's dreadful because you never know what you will see inside the refrigerator...or smell.

Inside our office fridge are the typical items: old bottles of salad dressings, a bag of freezer burned strawberries and an unwrapped mini UFO that used to be a veggie burger.

Out of curiosity, a co-worker and I wanted to see if the abandoned burger could fly like a UFO. We used it as a Frisbee until it broke into several pieces. Now it's really unidentifiable.

I have a few questions and concerns about refrigerator etiquette.

Why does anyone put a giant lunch container inside a refrigerator? I bring one to work but keep it at my desk. The logic behind the plastic lunch container is to temporarily keep items either cool or warm until you are ready to consume them.

If an item must stay cold, then it should be placed inside the refrigerator. It's not necessary to put the entire bag in the fridge when it only contains one item. Putting an entire lunch container in the fridge defeats the purpose of its usefulness.

I also have an issue with co-workers who keep leftover French fries or half eaten burgers from a local fast food joint. Who eats a leftover Big Mac? It's not like it can be re-heated or actually eaten. Have you ever seen a Big Mac that's been in a refrigerator overnight? It hardens and turns into a grotesque statue.

Fast food should be eaten minutes after ordering and not saved.

Finally, what's with co-workers who "borrow" other people's lunches? Some of my co-workers have questionable hygiene practices. I have seen a few of them use the restroom and then leave without washing their hands. The last thing I want is leftover food cooked in their kitchen.

People often treat the community fridge like a garbage dump. Instead of tossing things into the trash which is only inches away, they dispose of it in the fridge where it will be forgotten for all eternity.

Co-workers can be inconsiderate and disrespectful when it comes to refrigerator etiquette. Sometimes I secretly think about asking my co-workers if they keep their own refrigerators so dirty.

I won't ask though, I probably wouldn't like the answer.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=William_S_Greene

An Open Letter to Bo

2009-08-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

There's a new mouth to feed in the White House. The Obama's have adopted a Portuguese (something or other) by the name of "Bo." It's exciting to have a new family in the White House, but this new member could very easily be overlooked by the high profile of its other family members. To that end, I would like to issue an: "Open Letter to Bo."

Dear Bo,

Congratulations on your new position as White House Chief of Pets. In your new position, you will be placed under constant scrutiny. It will be up to you to maintain a level of professionalism and follow the White House protocol expected of all "First Pets."

It's true, you'll have a legacy to follow. The Clintons had Socks, The Bushes had Millie, the Johnsons had their beagles Him and Her, Ike had Mamie. (Incidentally, it's not known whether the Carters had a four-legged family member or not. It is rumored that Amy had a Chia Pet, which was thrown against the wall and broken into thousands of pieces, during an extremely ugly mood swing, because her little green friend refused to retrieve a stick.)

Your best bet is to follow the example of your predecessors. There is an exception here, of course, and that is Checkers, the Nixon's dog. No one is quite sure what was behind that scandal, but the White House can do without another black eye like that one.

Speaking of scandals, there will be much written about you; some true, some false, some merely speculation. Therefore, beware of headlines found on supermarket check-out lines. Headlines like: "Bo's Having Madonna's Puppies." "Obama's Pet Takes Ride in Alien Spaceship." "Bo Grows Second Head."

Don't let these headlines create unnecessary stress for you. The stories are unsubstantiated, the pictures have been doctored and their writers are elementary school dropouts.

During your tenure, you will be expected to host other guests of your species. Included on the "A" list are Morris, Benji and the current Lassie. Those on the "B" list, or, not to be invited under any circumstances are, Garfield, a troublemaker, overeater, and left-winged radical, Flipper, a chronic rug-wetter and Rin-Tin-Tin, K9 Cop, a potentially dangerous guest and known Republican.

For your benefit, Bo, here is a list of "Do's" and "Don'ts" you should keep a dog's eye out for.

Do's - (1) Be punctual. Delinquency is a true sign of poor upbringing. (Rumor has it that Millie was late for a luncheon and she ended up eating kibble in the kitchen and almost got stepped on by a meandering Vice President Quayle, who was busy eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.)

(2). Always finish your meal. Remember there are animals starving in Katmandu.

(3). Always present a neat and proper appearance, clean coat, manicured nails and no disgusting eye crust.

Don'ts - (1) Bathe in public; especially body parts you wouldn't want seen on the cover of The Globe.

(2). During interviews, never discuss, in detail, any White House business. Simply respond with a "No bow-wow." Or, "I don't wish to bow-wow on that at this time."

(3). Finally, don't push your nose into foreign dignitaries crotches when they aren't expecting it. It could be cause for an "international incident."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Carl_Megill

Funny Videos to Tickle Your Funny Bone!

2009-08-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

With lives becoming stressful day by day, it is becoming imperative to relieve the tension with the aid of some humorous moments. The best way to start your day is with a bright smile on your face. It is very wisely said that "it cost nothing to smile but it can work wonders for those who receive them".

The mantra to lead a praiseworthy life is to earn honestly, work efficiently, spend intelligently, give generously and laugh uncontrollably. When you need a respite from your hectic schedule and monotonous routine, you have to find new ways to entertain yourself and this is where funny videos and TV shows can help you by providing a good dose of laughter.

There is nothing better than the entertainment shows on TV or funny videos on web to rejuvenate and refresh you with their hilarious content. Whenever you are feeling low and have no one to interact with, these online funny videos are a great way to instill a new lease of life and make your day worthwhile. These days' social networking sites have become a rage all over the world and funny videos which are uploaded on them have become hugely popular with more and more people viewing them to ward off their boredom and fight the work fatigue.

Laughter as they say is the best medicine and they are quite right in saying so as laughter activates the brain to release endorphins which help you cope up with stress and feel better. Watching funny videos and entertaining stuff online is free on some sites and on some you need to pay a meager amount as the membership fee which is nothing compared to the sense of satisfaction and contentment.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, so take time out to watch funny videos and stuffs whether online or on TV and have your day's share of laughter.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nicholas_Paul

Chess Player Joke

2009-07-26T03:29:00.001-07:00

Paul was a passionate chess player. He was reading a lot of chess books and analyzed his own games at home, which he had played in the chess club before. He hoped to improve his game by learning new chess strategies.

One day he was again deeply immersed mentally in a chess position, which originated from a club game.

Suddenly somebody knocked at his door. He did not expect any visitors, went slowly to the door and opened it.

In front of him stood a woman of a religious sect. He saw that right away as she had a bible in her hands and looked at him a bit strange. Then the woman asked him. "Brother! Are you saved?"

The chess player has been deeply immersed in thought and was shocked at first, but recovered fairly fast and said with a glorified smile.

"Oh, yes, oh, for sure, of course I am saved!" Paul answered. "I wanted to castle one move later, but my opponent had a surprising move. His knight hit f7 and attacked my queen and the rook at the same time. I lost the exchange and a pawn after that and thought that I was lost. But after that, my opponent played too risky, made a mistake and blundered away his rook. The game finally was a draw and I was saved. It was like a miracle! Yes! I was saved!"

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Norbert_Thomas

Did Cavemen Have Tissues?

2009-07-26T03:28:00.002-07:00

I think not. Then why is picking your nose so frowned upon?

Through my research, I have found that Kleenex was invented in 1926 and the handkerchief was invented sometime between 1384 and 1386. Prior to this how did one remove foreign objects from their noses? My guess would be with the most logical method they could conceive..... putting their finger up it. Everyone (yes, women included) that had a booger boulder would spasmodically excavate their nose with no shame whatsoever. I say pick away!

The only thing cooler than picking your nose is a snot missile. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, allow me to elaborate. A snot missile is accomplished by holding your finger, or preferably the knuckle of your index finger, as it looks cooler, to close one nostril and blowing as hard as you can through your nose to remove the object/objects from the other nostril. This is not only OK to do in public but my preferred method of mucus extraction. If you find yourself with a woman you are wanting to impress, plug a nostril and huff away because nothing screams "I'm a manly man!" like a snot missile.

Another point I should cover is that this can be played as a game if you are out with friends. The rules are simple. You alternate turns shooting snot missiles at unsuspecting targets. The scoring is as follows:

5 points for hitting other men. Men are only worth five points because they are the easiest targets, they won't be too grossed out by your lewd behavior, and unless they are a confrere in snot bombing, they will bow down to your exhibition of pure masculinity and superiority

10 points for hitting children. Children are worth a small amount of points because of their lack of ability to do anything about the incident. They only score higher then men because they are smaller and therefore harder to hit.

25 points for women. Now we are getting into some serious points. Women are worth twenty five points because their chance of being pissed off by being hit with your crude ammunition is pretty good and the risk of being beaten with a purse is great.

75 points for infants in a car seat or stroller. This is the big leagues now! I know you are thinking "Why so much? A child can't fight back.", but can you imagine how wrathful the mother will become? This should only be attempted by very agile people as the chance of a foot race is great.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=JD_Simpkins

Humor - Depression Can Be Fun!

2009-07-26T03:28:00.001-07:00

Since you don't believe that fun exists when you're depressed, what you need to do is have negative depression. So you try your hardest to get more depressed, and then you fail, and get happier instead. Negative failure is a good thing; the two negatives cancel out!

Looking in the mirror can be a death knell for depression. That woeful, sad face you see looks so ridiculous that bursting out laughing is totally unavoidable. If you wanna stay depressed, stay away from mirrors!

Anyway, there are lots of fun activities for the depressed person to enjoy. Especially in this financially depressed economic situation we find ourselves in at the moment.

Get all your bills that you can't pay, and make paper aeroplanes from them. Then the one that flies furthest is the one that gets paid first.

Read the telephone directory. Some of the wierd surnames in there are bound to cheer you up!

Catch a cockroach and put it in a glass jar. Study it. Then be grateful you don't look like him. If you do look like him, then go look in the mirror and have a good laugh.

Write all your worries on a big piece of paper. Then have fun burning it in the fireplace. Maybe they'll go away! If you can't bring yourself to set it alight, then you are too attached to your worries!

Have a staring competition with the wall. The wall normally blinks first...

Tell your cat about your tough, unfair life. They normally fall asleep, so hold a cat treat up where they can see it to improve their attention span.

If it's foggy, freezing cold and drizzling... uh, well, that's a tough one. Maybe just stay depressed until one of those three clears up, then you can say "It could be worse!"

If you live in Zimbabwe, you can play monopoly with real money, and the kids can keep it at the end of the game. Or you could wallpaper your rooms with million dollar notes, which is cheaper than buying wallpaper!

If you've lost your job, imagine that you've got a free holiday from that horrible boss of yours. And remember that you are not alone - there's 52 million others like you, and counting.

If you're really sad, sprinkle some paint powder, all different colours, onto a large sheet of paper, and then cry over it. The tears will drop randomly and start creating an impressionist masterpiece, which you can later sell for a fortune. Trying to wipe up the tears gives an even better, messier effect. This is called the "depressionist genre" of painting.

Sit in a busy place and see how many sad faces you can spot. Some of them should be quite impressive. Shame, so many people have huge problems. Anyway, it'll probably help you to feel better! If you get to 100, treat yourself to a cup of coffee.

Launch a website called Misery makers, where you help people to get over their happiness, and help them to cope with bubbly, positive attitudes.

Watch the TV news. See how many people you can count that have worse problems than you.

Start your own blog. Start with an entry like this: "There's nothing in this blog because I didn't feel like writing anything. And if you post a comment here, I'm not going to read it." There's power in the internet!

So there you have it. Don't let depression be boring and tedious. Make it interesting. Have a load of fun! You may even look forward to being depressed!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Duncan_Kelly

Humor - The Internet

2009-07-26T03:27:00.000-07:00

Isn't it absolutely fantastic that you can sit in the comfort of your own home, and wirelessly, from a foreign country many thousands of miles away, download within seconds a vicious virus that wipes your hard drive and puts up a message "Igor did rock..." on your screen. Ah yes, technology has brought us far.

No longer is there the long wait by your postbox, hoping for that letter from a loved one, or that check that's always in the mail. Now we have the blessing of getting 463 emails a day from kind people that we don't even know! And all they want to do is help us! We can enlarge parts of our bodies, get free money from Africa, become a doctor of physics without even studying, and become filthy rich just by watching one DVD which they will supply at a massive discount. Gracious, what nice people.

Even more amazing is the new fangled video phone calls, where the chap on the other side can see you while you are talking to him, on the other side of the world. And if you forget to cut the connection, an hour later the world can also see you kicking the dog while in your underwear. Isn't it fascinating how fast those type of video things get onto YouTube and the national news.

Now there's broadband too. It seems that this was invented in order to drain your bank account at a faster rate than the old dialup system. All you have to do is download the movie "Gone with the wind" and see how this title applies to your savings.

A nice thing to have is an "always on" connection. This connection is always on unless it's off. While it's on, it's always on, and when it's off, it's always off. Maybe they should have called it a "usually on and always slow" connection.

Facebook is a nice way to connect with old friends that you hoped you would never see again, and it also is an easy way to get your name and ID available to the Russian mafia. Apparently their interpretation of "Social Networking" is somewaht different to ours - our meaning was probably lost in translation. The IRS like it as well. Makes tracing defaulters nice and easy for them.

The search engines are strange things. Needed a little picture of a baby for a baby shower card the other day, so typed "babe" into Google and searched for images. The babes that appeared to answer this search burnt my eyebrows off and set the curtains on fire. Now after my fourth week of therapy I'm starting to feel a bit better.

There are lots of challenges when you have internet access. It really keeps the memory active, having to remember 49 passwords and usernames, with letters, numbers, funny symbols and so on. And when people write you a letter, they expect a reply today, so it keeps us active and productive. None of this waiting til Saturday business.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Duncan_Kelly

Hey, That's My Sweater

2009-07-14T23:22:00.001-07:00

There comes a point in every mother-of-a-daughter's life when the little girl you desired becomes a covetous alien rather than the sweet, cuddly child of one's dreams. Every mother hopes that to postpone that inevitable change, but hormones are beyond anyone's control.

Unfortunately in today's media society, the change often comes sooner rather than later. In my case, it really became obvious recently when my nine-year-old daughter came down for breakfast wearing one of my sweaters.

When I looked at her with that you-better-not-have-taken-that-out-of-my-drawer look, she fake-innocently replied: "I found it in my drawer so I figured it was mine." I don't doubt that she found it in her drawer because my cleaning lady isn't Solomon, but the rest of her logic left me baffled.

It's not surprising that she covets some of my clothes. Even though her closets are busting at the seams full of tons outfits, somehow my clothes seem more interesting to her. And while we are not the same size, I know she is already thinking ahead to the days when my cashmere sweaters will be hers. One of her favorite lines is: "when you're dead, I want that (fill in the blank with an item of clothing)."

Part of the problem is that she is the only female child in our family of six. Therefore, she has pretty much laid claim to every last female item in the house in anticipation of my pending death. The crystal, my jewelry, my clothes, my shoes, and anything else that she has rationalized will one day be hers. More than once I have considered hiring body guards just to keep her at bay until I have time to grow old gracefully.

The most worrisome part is that she is not a particularly covetous child. Or at least not yet. Many of my friends have teenagers daughters who cannot be left alone in the house for precisely this reason.

Two years ago, I was at a special event with some friends. All of a sudden I noticed one of my friends look over my shoulder with a look of consternation on her face. "Those are my new shoes!" she said. Since she was talking about shoes I turned around to have a look as well. And there were her new shoes -- shoes she had not yet worn -- walking into the room on the feet of her teenage daughter! And the best part was that her daughter wasn't even being coy. She just thought it was natural.

I realized then and there that that is the normal course of life. When your daughter turns a certain age you have to run for cover with every material thing you love.

No more hanging clothes on hangars. No more folding things nicely and putting them in the drawer. If you have an ounce of self preservation then you better be prepared to sleep with your favorite items under your mattress. Or, there is always Plan B -- 1-800-NOT-OUCH Bodyguards.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I had a life before I became a writer. I was a small town kid from Eastern Canada. I went to university. I liked it so much, I went to university a second time. After that, I had had enough university, so I decided to find a job. I always wanted a job that came with a hard hat and I found one in Hamilton, Ontario. I worked for a steel company where hard hats were a must. The hard also came in use once when I had a bat stuck in my living room.

Unfortunately the thrill of hard hats didn't hold me too long, so I set off to Toronto where I became a public relations professional. Apparently that was going too smoothly, because one day my husband decided it was time I made good on an old promise to move to Israel. It's hard being a person with a sense of integrity at moments like that. In other words, I moved to Israel where we still live today.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kendall_Wigoda

Impersonating Famous People

2009-07-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

When impersonating famous people, there is a right way and a wrong way. The right way is of course, to have been a fan of the person and can at least, somewhat act or copy the person in some way. The wrong way is to simply take advantage of the celebrity as a simple look alike and ride their coattails to fame and glory. Considering that impersonating is the most sincerest form of flattery, one should at least be able to play the part too. Unless of course, one was hired this way simply as a decoy in some fashion.

Impersonating famous people has been around for centuries. Often it was the kings and queens who were the most impersonated and usually not in a very good light. Although, with the advent of Hollywood and the star persona, this has been followed with the impersonations of many different folks.

Sometimes, these impersonations can be quite accurate. For example, Rich Little was absolutely great at impersonating many famous people and more recently, the television show Saturday Night Live has always fared well with their versions. Especially, Tina Fey, who did the Sara Palin impersonation and it literally made her an overnight sensation.

Then there was the movie "Catch Me If You Can" and starred Leonardo Di Caprio as a man who impersonated many not so famous people such as an airline pilot, and would literally get away with it. Therefore, his impersonations would have had to be exquisite in their own right.

Regardless, does one have to choose specifically a famous person in order to properly impersonate? For example, there are many clowns that will usually be available for birthday parties and such. Does this mean that these clowns have to be famous clowns such as Emmit Kelly of Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey fame. Of course not, we all have our perceptions of what a clown is supposed to be and many times, it is the goofy and funny clown that we usually think of and expect when we order that special delivery for little Johnny's birthday party. This is a generalized version of impersonation.

Now, on the other hand, if one is playing Elvis, then one is expected to look and act, as well as probably sing at least somewhat like the original king of rock and roll. That is our expectations and we will accept no less. This is where the clown has at least some leeway in improvisation and where Elvis will not.

Therefore, simply an attempt at impersonating famous people is considerably different than impersonating famous people including their persona. One would most definitely require having at least some type of so called talent in order to properly do so.

Be sure to let your true talent shine. Get sincere opinions from close family and friends. You may well be a true star in waiting. Have real fun with your true talent

Martin Jeszke
www.impersonatorsforfun.com

Live in the UK currently, married with Italian wife, 2 grown up children both attending university. I have been involved with Personal Development for several years both in the corporate world and now ongoing training.

My mentors are Brian Tracy, Jim Rohn and Stephen Pierce.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Martin_Jeszke

Yipes! Barbie Just Turned 50

2009-07-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

Barbie, that American icon and paragon of perpetual youth and beauty, just celebrated her 50th birthday.

I "talked" to her recently in a conference call set up by Mattel, Inc publicist, GI. Joe.

It went something like this.

Me: Hello, Barbie. Or should I say 'Ms. Doll'? Which do you prefer?

Barbie: Well, I really don't have a last name, so Barbie is just peachy.

Me: Great. Barbie, I must say that you look marvelous as you enter into the A.A.R.P. membership zone. How do you do it?

Barbie: Why thank you, kind sir. Actually, my secret is that I'm 100% non-biodegradable. Plastic holds up really, really well, you know.

Me: Yes, and speaking of shape, yours has been the subject of great controversy over the years. You've been accused of "creating unrealistic expectations of womanhood and even spurring eating disorders in young girls," according to some sources. How do you respond to that?

Barbie: I am what I am. Or at least what the toymakers make me. I have changed over time, actually. Less, shall we say, "top heavy", and more rounded in other regions. As to eating disorders, well, don't you remember the Barbie Kitchen? I guess I was just blessed with a fast metabolism.

Me: Let's move to another subject. Being 50, you are most likely not considering motherhood. Does that bother you? Does Ken want children?

Barbie: As you know, I have recently been reconciled with my long-time boyfriend, Ken. After nearly 43 years together, we decided to take a break, but I am happy to say we are again an item. As for having a family, I feel like I am part of nearly everyone's family.

Me: Which brings me to finances. Reports are that you rake in $3.1 billion in sales annually. Do you get a piece of that?

Barbie: Have you seen my wardrobe? And I always have the latest in vehicles. So yes, I do very well, thank you.

Me: Back to your looks, if you don't mind. You have always been so glamorous with flawless skin and bushels of hair and always on top of the fashion scene. But through it all you have maintained a certain innocence. How are you able to pull that off?

Barbie: Here's the thing. I am in millions and millions of homes, sometimes many times over. I see that as an incredible responsibility. I have always maintained high standards and try to keep my reputation beyond reproach. For example, there has never been a "Barbie and Ken Spring Break Vacation Special" or anything that may have even the slightest hint of impropriety. I hope these young women-to-be can see that, and possibly model their lives after that.

Me: Nice, Barbie. Along those lines of role model, how about those many careers you have had. Over 100 jobs from teacher to surgeon to flight attendant to soldier. What's the deal, can't you keep a job?

Barbie: (laughing.) Very funny! Those have all been volunteer positions, you see. Remember the 3 billion we talked about earlier? Besides, why shouldn't a girl be able to do anything anyone else can do?

Me: Two more questions if you please. One, your most recent look has you sporting a butterfly tattoo on your shoulder. Is this a sign of a more edgy Barbie in the future?

Barbie: Why, no, silly. It's just one of those wash-off decal thingies. Just for fun.

Me: Okay, last question. One that a lot of guys out there want to know. Of all the cars you have had, which one is your all-time favorite?

Barbie: Oh my, that's an easy one. It would have to be my flamingo pink Ford Mustang GT convertible, of course.

Me: Thought so. Thanks for your time and "Happy Birthday, Barbie".

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tom_Anselm

A Brave New Germ-Free World

2009-05-22T08:10:00.001-07:00

I had to chuckle the other day when I saw a woman at the grocery store vigorously rubbing the handle of her shopping cart with a sanitary wipe, apparently hoping a genie would pop out and grant her three germ-free wishes.

Since when have we become such a nation of germophobes? I mean, Babe Ruth used other players' toothbrushes and they called him the "Sultan of Swing," not the "Prince of Plaque."

But since a lot of folks would rather remove their pancreas with a paring knife than come within sniffling distance of a germ, I thought I'd introduce some products to help make our lives a little cleaner.

1. We all know that one of the most common ways to spread germs is by shaking hands. With that in mind, I introduce "Hand in a Can," an authentic disposable human hand packed in a hermetically sealed container. The economy size is perfect for those multiple handshaking functions like business meetings and political rallies, and the detachable middle finger is great for gesturing in traffic. Available in "Vice Grip" and "Cold 'n Clammy."

2. Dining out can be a special challenge for germophobes. Fortunately, there's "Waiter Abater." If you suspect that your waiter is even thinking about touching his nose, or worse, your entree, a simple press of a button zaps him with 100,000 volts of electric current from strategically positioned Taser guns. The chef then emerges from the kitchen to torture him with a turkey baster.

3. Speaking of dining out, we all know that restaurant salad bars are a breeding ground for bacteria. Thank God for "Salad Salvation," from the makers of Lysol. Just a quick spritz from the handy spray bottle wipes out all cold germs, 27 kinds of bacteria, and the occasional busboy. Available in three delicious flavors sure to complement any salad, including "Spring Blossom," "Menthol Potpourri," and "Bye-Bye E. Coli."

4. The best way to dodge germs is to avoid any contact with strangers. That's why there's "Kiss My Asp." This specially trained four-foot deadly Sahara horned viper fits easily into a purse or fanny pack, and is ready to strike anyone who ventures within ten feet of you. It comes with a vial of anti-venom for those unfortunate "accidents."

5. You no longer have to fear getting close to that special someone. From the makers of Trojan condoms, there's "French Miss," a sanitized rubber wrap that fits over any tongue. It comes in a variety of flavors, including "Essence of Garlic," "Morning Breath," and "Cigarette Butt" to alleviate the feeling that you're kissing a poncho.

6. And what can we say about the germ factories better known as public restrooms? Those paper sheets used to cover toilet seats are useless. (Have you ever seen those people who refill the dispensers?) Why not bring your own? Now there's "Bun Buddy," an inflatable sanitized seat cushion designed to fit any institutional toilet seat. Not only will you be protecting yourself from germs, but the sound of you blowing it up will provide some interesting imagery to the person in the next stall.

7. You can't escape germs in the workplace. But with "Cube Tube," a portable cylinder filled with sanitary wipes made especially for offices, you can fight back against corporate crud. Just be sure to wipe down the cubicle of the guy next to you-the one who bathes only on payday and has mold spores growing out of his coffee cup.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chris_A_Joseph

Corporate 911

2009-05-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

The other day, as I was watching precious minutes of my life sprout wings and fly away while on hold with Big Company Customer Service, I began to wonder what would happen if our emergency services providers implemented an automated system to answer phone calls. Here's one possible scenario...

Thank you for calling 911, your one-stop home for emergency services. If you have a life-threatening medical emergency, please press 1. If your emergency is not currently life-threatening, but could become so in the next 15 to 20 seconds, please press 2. For all other emergencies, such as volcanic eruption, flood, or erectile dysfunction, please press 3.

Beep

You have selected a life-threatening medical emergency. Please select from the following options: If your emergency involves a severe loss of blood, press 1. If you are experiencing projectile vomiting, uncontrollable seizures, or a large discharge of oozing pus, please press 2. If you are clutching your chest while staggering around the room like Fred Sanford and shouting, "This is the big one! 'Lizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya, honey!" please press 3. For all other emergencies, please press 4.

Beep

You have selected a severe loss of blood. If this was caused by your own stupidity, such as attempting to sharpen the blade of your running lawnmower, please press 1. If it is the result of a domestic dispute, such as saying to your wife, "Honey, that new dress makes your butt look kind of big," please press 2. If it is caused by the bite of a rabid, carnivorous mammal such as a pit bull, raccoon, or Sean Hannity, please press 3. For all other causes, please press 4.

Beep

You have selected, "your own stupidity." Because of your pea-sized brain, we can only assume that you are unfamiliar with even the most rudimentary first-aid methods, and are losing blood at an alarming rate. If you are still conscious, please press 1. If you have drifted into La-La land, please stay on the line, and one of our Customer Care-Less Representatives will assist you shortly.

Beep Beep Beeeeeep!!

You have emphatically selected option 1. Please stay on the line, and one our Customer Care-Less Representatives will assist you shortly. In the interim, enjoy the Muzak version of Bryan Adams' "Cuts Like a Knife."

Thank you for patience for the last 22 minutes. Due to our heavy call volume, all of our Customer Care-Less Representatives are currently not helping other customers. Your call is very important to us. While you are waiting, we suggest that you apply direct pressure to the wounded area, and if necessary, use your belt as a tourniquet...

Thank you for waiting for an additional 34 minutes. By now, we can only assume your are in a severely weakened state and your time is running out. If you are Catholic and wish to receive the Sacrament of the Infirm, also known as "Last Rites," please press 1 and Father Dudley, our recently paroled in-house priest, will assist you shortly. For all other denominations, please press 2 for the daily recording of "Dial-a-Prayer." If you are not a member of any organized religion, please press 3 and the Prince of Darkness will be with you to take your reservation.

Be...

You have selected option 1, for Last Rites. Unfortunately, Father Dudley is currently meeting with his parole officer and is unavailable. Please stay on the line, and you will be transferred to his voice mail. If you wish to speak to a Customer Care-Less representative,

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chris_A_Joseph

Teeing Off on TV Golf

2009-05-22T08:07:00.001-07:00

My local cable company recently started carrying the Golf Channel. I can only assume this is because it couldn't afford more stimulating programming, like the Knitting Network or Drying Paint Television.

I just don't understand why anybody would waste valuable tube time watching "athletes" wearing clown pants chase a little white ball around an oversized pool table. Maybe if they stocked the water hazards with live piranhas and made the golfers dive in to retrieve their errant tee shots, I'd think about tuning in.

I find it much more productive to spend a Sunday afternoon sprawled across my La-Z-Boy to watch football while drinking beer and belching the theme song to The Brady Bunch.

But there is a way to make televised golf at least as exciting as the latest episode of Masterpiece Theater. Instead of the PGA or the U. S. Open, all the networks have to do is broadcast a typical hackers' Saturday morning excursion to the links.

I'm talking about those weekend duffers who bring golf to a whole new level by playing with a reckless abandon typically seen in the NFL, NHL, or during the daily rush hour commute. I'm not sure if this is due to a heartfelt passion for the game or the two cases of Budweiser that are consumed during the round.

I can imagine what those normally staid golf broadcasters would be saying if they were to call one of these Fearsome Foursome's rounds. Here are some possible excerpts from a telecast, with golf legends Bogey Vance and Hook Driver providing the commentary:

Hole 2

Bogey: Well Hook, it looks like Jackson just popped open his fifth beer, and we're only on the second hole.

Hook: That's right Bogey, I'm not sure how he does it. He's putting those Budweisers away like he's John Goodman at a buffet table. I wonder if he'll be able to finish the round.

Hole 6

Bogey: Jackson just sliced his tee shot into the woods for the fifth consecutive hole-a new course record!

Hook: What an amazing round! Jackson is well on his way to topping his worst score ever. Wait-what's he doing there in the woods? Is he getting out his wedge?

Bogey: No Hook, I think he's getting out his...Oh my God! I can't believe what he's doing to that tree! Oh, the humanity!... Um, we'll be right back after this word from TeePees-the only adult diaper specifically designed for golfers. Remember-the worse you play, the more you need TeePees-the diaper of champions.

Hole 14

Hook: It looks like Greely has taken over driving the cart from Jackson-he just didn't have it today.

Bogey: That's right Hook. I saw this coming back on the eleventh hole when Jackson drove the cart into the gallery. Boy, that crowd sure did part in a hurry. It was like Moses at the Red Sea.

Hook: Oh no-Peterson just threw his club in frustration for the sixth time today. Look out! It's headed straight for us! You better---(THUD!)

Bogey: We'll be right back after a word from ClubHead-the only pain reliever specifically made for golfers....MEDIC!

Hole 18

Bogey: After 12 hours, we're down to the final hole, with only two golfers-and one announcer-still left standing. Dusk is setting in, and the round is mercifully about to conclude.

Wait-don't look now, but it looks like Jackson is coming to, and...what's he doing? He's trying to drive the cart again! He's headed straight for the water...he's in the water! I sure hope they can get him out in time--those piranhas look hungry.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chris_A_Joseph

Little Johnny Jokes - The Ultimate Classic Collection

2009-05-09T08:48:00.002-07:00

Little Johnny jokes are by far the leaders in entertainment around friends.. Lets focus on Little Johnny classics without being rude! What made Little Johnny so famous? "Little Johnny is a small boy who likes to ask embarrassing questions and has a very straightforward thinking" Well, lets dig in and find out....

Little Johnny

Visiting his father -

Little Johnny was planning a visit to his father, he decides to pack most of his things in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this steep hill.

As he stared up the hill, out of frustration he was constantly swearing "This God damn wagon is so heavy"

The priest near by over heard Johnny and approached him. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God's presence is everywhere, you should know."

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon he is present every where"

Little Johnny says "Well please tell him to get out and start pulling"

Little Johnny visiting mom -

Bright summers day Little Johnny came running into the house and asked his mom "Mommy, is it true little girls can have babies?" "Of course not my son" his mom replied.

Johnny all excited ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's all okay, if we want we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny's IQ test -

Recently survey's show, and you'll be surprised that Little Johnny's IQ is, that's right a full 112. Now that's classed as a University grad student. So we decided to compare IQ's.

We setup a quick 10 question IQ test, guaranteed to be super fun for you to participate and prove that Little Johnny is for sure not going to beat you. I am sure you don't want be walking around all day thinking that Little Johnny had the upper hand! Prove us wrong, Prove Johnny wrong - Lets beat he's IQ!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=JC_Nickson

Learn to Be Funny - Harnessing the Power of Quote Humor

2009-05-09T08:48:00.001-07:00

Some people say that you cannot learn to be funny. While you might not be funny enough to work as a professional stand-up comedian, you can certainly learn to be humorous. Being humorous is enough to succeed as a presenter.

If you are naturally funny, you can still use this method to add a bit of variation and colour to your speech or presentation.

One method you can use is by adding humour found from an external source. What do I mean by this? Well, essentially what you can do is to quote from a comedian or another witty celebrity. This is a perfectly legitimate way to use humour in a speech or presentation.

The easiest thing to do is to search online for quotes; either by the person you think originated the line or, if you know the quote, you can search by the learn itself.

If you are going to use quotes in your presentation you have to make sure that you cite your sources. You cannot deliver a line from a famous comedian and pass it off as your own, there will always be people listening who know you're not being original.

However, if you quote directly and say the name of the person that you're quoting then there is nothing wrong with doing that. This is a technique more suited to giving a presentation rather than writing, then performing stand-up comedy.

Here's a down and dirty process for you to learn to be funny enough for presentations:

1. Find a quote. Make sure that the topic of the quote you use relates to the subject of the speech that you're giving.

2. Do you find the quote funny or witty? It will make your life a lot easier if you actually find the quote amusing. It doesn't have to read amusing on the page. Read it out loud and if it makes you laugh or chuckle then you're off to a good start.

3. Find a home for it. Go through your speech and find the best place to use the quote that you have found. Using a quote in the opening of your speech can be a great way to start. Likewise with closing your speech.

4. Cite your source. When I say this I don't mean you have to give us details like a bibliography. What we need is the author of the line and, if you think that they might not be recognised by your audience, a one-line description of their occupation. For example, at a Toastmasters meeting I gave a speech where I quoted Jerry Seinfeld. However, I reasoned that many people in my audience might not have heard of Seinfeld so I said "as the American comedian Jerry Seinfeld said..." and then delivered the line.

5. Be specific. Specificity can really help nail your humour. Consider this line from comedian Woody Allen:

"I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me".

He wasn't just thrown out of University he was thrown out of New York University. Being specific in that way adds to the realism of the first part of the humour. It also helps him paint a picture of his overall love of New York.

Be careful about how much you use quote humour, you don't want to overdo it. I would use quotes any more than twice. I think three times is pushing it. I like to vary the types of humour I use, shake things up a little bit. It stops you from being predictable and it stops the audience from second guessing you.

Next time you have a presentation to give and you decide to use some quotes run them through this step-by-step blueprint.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jason_Peck

Learn to Be Funny - The Steve Allen Technique

2009-05-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Here is a fairly simple method that can help you learn to be funny; or more specifically hone the funny that you already have.

Legend has it that U.S. Comedian Steve Allen learned how to write jokes by copying out jokes from joke books. Now, while I don't advocate learning how to write jokes as the basis for using humour in speeches or presentations, it is something that we can certainly learn a lot from.

The point of the technique that I am about to outline for you is not to steal someone else's material. That is a completely deplorable thing to do. The idea is to learn about quality.

Here's an easy method for improving your humorous writing skills:

1. Select a favourite comedian. Grab a DVD or use YouTube and select about 5 minutes of their act.

2. Then what you do is transcribe their material word-for-word.

3. Re-watch the clip and make a note on your transcript of where they get laughs. You can do this using an asterisk (*) or whatever annotation works for you.

4. Count the number of words used in the bit before the laugh (the set-up line).

5. Then count the number of words that are used in the sentence that generates the laugh (the punchline).

It would also be worth making a note of the laughs that are generated by things other than words. For example, a gesture, a sound or a look and so on.

Remember, that you're not looking for the material to read funny on the page. In fact, it probably won't to be honest with you. Your humorous doesn't need to look funny on the page, leave that to the writers of humorous prose. We're dealing with spoken word humour.

What this exercise allows you to do is to get a feel for the quality of the material as it appears on the page. You'll gain an understanding of the brevity and succinctness of what is being said. If you do this with a couple of different comedians, you should then count up the number of words that each comedian uses in their set-up line and their punchline and take an average.

This is about the amount of words you need to use in order to convey your funny in the most compact way.

I'm not sure if Steve Allen wrote out the same jokes over and over in order to learn to be funny, or if he wrote out new jokes each time. But what I would do is go back to the comedian that you first used and write out that material several times. Don't short cut this step by using cut and paste, hand write the material out so you learn via osmosis.

By regularly working through this exercise, you will begin to get a feel for how you can edit your own speeches once you have written them.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jason_Peck

A Man's Guide - Simple Rules For Survival

2009-04-10T21:27:00.001-07:00

Men are simple creatures, with simple rules for living. If something smells OK, it's still clean. Dishwashing is optional, subject to mood and available time. Moving things into storage means never having to clean out the garage.

Women understand these assumptions to be, well, asinine. Differences between men and women are well-known but seldom understood. To avoid a lifetime of loneliness, headaches, and social unrest, consider these simple rules when sharing a roof with the one you love.

Rule #1 - Never put off until tomorrow what you can clean up, fix or replace today.
A woman walks into a room and smells that something is amiss. Think Spiderman; it's her seventh sense. Mitigate the damage and the eventual chew-out by doing the right thing right now. A trip to Wal-Mart could mean the difference between an omniscient "I told you so" and sleeping under the deck.

Rule #2 - If she left it out or put it together, don't touch it.
No matter how much you think you're 'helping out', you're just as likely to irreparably damage the flow and balance of something she's working on. One could even sense these booby traps as tests, to see if you were listening three days ago when she told you what it was for, and what would happen if you messed it up. Keep in mind these are people who know pain. Think childbirth, menstruation, menopause. They know ways to hurt us we wouldn't want to imagine.

Rule #3 - Look good, or endure the 'mother routine'.
Guys grow up without the ability to coordinate, to accessorize or decipher bad taste; its a simple fact of life. When your mother dressed you before school, she was only preparing you for the embarrassing, lifelong routine of undoing fashion don'ts on a daily basis.

Rule #4 - Focus, and finish well.
As Ben Franklin learned shortly after electrocuting himself while discovering electricity, doing more doesn't excuse not doing something well. Concentrate on doing one thing well before venturing into multi-tasking. Inevitably, she'll notice the things you didn't do right first.

Rule #5 - Treat her personal items with respect; in fact, don't touch those either.
Here again, ironing her blouse doesn't excuse the fact that you put the hanger on the wrong way when you put it in the closet. By trying to dust the photos on the mantle, you dropped the picture of you and her in that place you went a couple years ago that you can't remember. The cost-benefit ratio is not in your favor, leave it to the professionals.

Rule #6 - Learn to like pets.
Before you, there was Spot, Dusty, Precious, and Rin Tin Tin. They're cost-effective, give unconditional love and take direction much better than you. Unless you outshine them someday, they'll be around much longer than you. Give them a wide berth, and keep smiling when you're cleaning up their mess.

Rule #7 - Whatever can happen, will.
Men gamble with odds every day. In our quest to save time and energy, we roll the dice on the laws of gravity and circumstance, too often getting burned in the process.

We believe that setting a dinner plate half-way off the counter (for just a second) while juggling other dishes will work out; that the odds of an iron - sitting upright on much-too-cluttered stairs - will fall to the floor two hours later when we throw something else there, are slim; that carrying six items in one trip is better than carrying two safely three times is a good idea.

Inevitably, an evil force is watching, laughing like the devil when it ends in disaster. Don't tempt fate, you'll be sorry.

Rule #8 - Don't wait, do it now.
Do women understand that watching the greatest play you've ever seen in slow-motion - four more times - trumps taking out the garbage? That reliving the fantasies of displaced blue-collar dogs who should have been drafted into pro sports is more important than setting the table?

Fat chance. Odds are in thirty minutes you've forgotten the detailed instructions she gave, and there's no two-minute warning to let you know when she's about to strike. By this point, your goose is cooked. You're forced to either do it incorrectly or ignore the task altogether, both of which earn you time in the corner with a pointy hat. Do yourself a favor, just do it.

Rule #9 - Little things mean a lot.
If you're one of the few men who actually do things on your own without having to be reminded several times in the course of a day, cheers. If you're like the rest of us, take heart. Even Quasimodo learned to walk with his head up, eventually.

Loading the dishwasher, for example, should be a course in college, since it seems to mean so much to so many women. Set the table. Dust something, anything, and don't use the "good" cleaning rags (who knew..?). Help your underwear find their way to the laundry basket, before its too late. If you come home someday and see your significant other walking toward you with a so-called "clean" fork pointing at you like an expressive middle finger, don't be surprised.

Rule #10 - Know when to say nothing.
If someday you get within earshot and you simply hear a one-word directive, like "yard" or "socks" or whatever, don't defend yourself. You have no idea the chemistry that is the "female mystique". The art of the two-step is better left for the likes of "Dancing with the Stars". Now would be a good time to see what a lovely day it is outside.

The list is long, but mastering the sequence and timing of these simple rules are required reading to be considered an intelligent human being, not an idiot. I'm right there with you, struggling to be the man she knows I could be. Remember, the bed's a lot colder without her, and making her happy means never having to create three squares from scratch every day. In fact, unless you know what you're doing, stay out of the kitchen too. Best of luck in mastering the art of staying out of trouble.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marc_Zeale

The Top 20 Excuses Why New Year's Resolutions to Lose Weight End in Failure

2009-04-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

January is New Year's Resolution time. Lose weight, gain weight, quit smoking, start smoking, get rich, spend more time working and less time with their families...you name it, people resolve to do it.

Yet how many people actually succeed with their resolutions?

According to a statistic I just made up, 75% of people fail to keep their New Year's Resolutions. That number is even higher with weight loss resolutions.

Why, you ask?

Well, here are my Top 20 Excuses Why New Year's Resolutions to Lose Weight End in Failure...

20. I wasn't getting enough to eat on ONE diet so I had to go on THREE.

19. Its winter and I need the extra insulation to keep me warm.

18. I went to the gym and somebody was on my machine so I realized everything happens for a reason and it wasn't meant to be.

17. I went to the gym and there was no lifeguard on duty in case the rowing machine sank. I complained to the manager but they threw me out.

16. Turns out I didn't really mean it.

15. My other resolution to quit being a cranky jerk all the time wasn't compatible with my low-carb diet.

14. There was a big game on...Wheel of Fortune is a game, right?

13. My DVR broke so I couldn't fast-forward past all the food commercials.

12. I figured since rice cakes don't have many calories, the same was true of other cakes. Like fudge cake. And pancakes. With syrup. And fudge.

11. My personal trainer called and said if I didn't show up for my session on Friday, don't bother showing up on Monday. Woohoo! 4 day weekend!

10. No ashtrays on the treadmills at the gym. How do they expect me stay on that thing for an hour without a cigarette break? It's not like that little TV can keep my mind off how painful and boring it is to hammer away on that thing at 1.2 mph for 60 minutes.

9. Krispy Kreme hasn't come out with an Olestra-filled donut (that they've told us, at least...I have my suspicions).

8. Billy Mays (that bearded infomercial guy) hasn't come out with a Mighty Putty strong enough to keep my mouth shut at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

7. The economy is in such rough shape, it's hard to afford the new clothes I'll have to buy as I get smaller so it'll have to wait until I get a bailout.

6. I have to buy junk foods "for the kids" even though they don't really need that stuff either and I don't actually HAVE any kids or KNOW any kids.

5. I messed up and ate a chip on Day 2 so I gave up until next January's resolution season.

4. I need to get in better shape before I can join a gym...to get in better shape.

3. I made a resolution to give up drinking so I could lose weight but I did it while I was drunk so I forgot.

2. I don't want to insult my co-workers by not eating birthday cake at the office every single day, even when I have to bring it myself.

1. I'm waiting for President Obama to lose the weight for me.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nick_Nilsson

Who Needs Global Warming When You Got the Mayan Long Count?

2009-04-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today's message comes to you as a public service from your local boomer. I feel compelled to warn you of the impending end of our civilization as we know it on December 21, 2012.

According to some of the latest shows on the History Channel, it looks like the end is near. It has something to do with the Mayan Long Count, which is not a scheme thought up by the Rams new head coach to save his quarterbacks hide. This is when the sun goes into alignment with a dark band of space debris running through the Milky Way called the Road to Xibalba. Sounds like an old Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movie. And please don't ask me to pronounce it. This is supposed to set off global weather disasters of unheard of proportions and could even mean that Al Gore would come out of hiding. (I just made that last part up.) To help us prepare for this event, web sites galore are offering "2012" emblazoned products, like book bags and tee-shirts. There's even a coffee mug sporting the imprint "Be Smart, Be Ready." Yeah, like I'm going to be savoring a cup of joe as I prepare to be nailed by a 6-mile wide fireball zipping in at a bazillion miles a minute. But alas, there's more. How about that nuclear fallout protection suit for only $495 plus shipping and handling? I wonder if it comes in a 42 regular. There's even a "Complete Idiot's Guide to 2012." The irony here is just too great to offer further comment.

All this hoopla reminds me of the frenzy nearly 10 years ago (has it really been that long?) as we approached the "New Millenium" and the certain chaos that was to be Y2K. Warehouses full of survival kits and freeze-dried foods were emptied out during those days leading up to midnight 1999. I still have my crank-handle shortwave radio. Like there would have been anything left to listen to anyway.

But this one just may be for real, say the experts. Seers such as Nostradamus and clear thinkers such as Mel Gibson, Shirley McClaine and Tom Cruise are on board with this potential global annihilation. Now if that group doesn't instill a sense of validity to this prospect, then I don't know what will. Why, there were hundreds attending a conference recently in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park at a mere $300 per ticket to ponder the effects of this 5000-year cycle of the earth. Their theme was "Shift Happens." How clever. (If they really paid three hundred bucks a head, they need to read that book I mentioned earlier.)

I must tell you, the whole idea of an Armageddon in 2012 really irks me. I would be in my free agent year as a teacher, with glorious retirement less than 6 months away. What lousy stinking timing is all I gotta say.

On the other hand, Jill and I will sure save a bundle of cash on those Christmas presents we won't have to buy.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tom_Anselm

Hey Bernie, Where's My Money? - Don't Worry It's in the Mail!

2009-04-04T00:49:00.001-07:00

Well, no one wants to see anyone get taken for a ride, but when I learned that Mark Rich got scammed by Bernie Made-Off - I just thought to myself that is poetic justice indeed. I can only imagine a conversation that might have transpired;

Mark: "Hey Bernie, where is my money big guy?"
Bernie: "Oh, don't worry, your money is in the mail!"
Mark: "But, Bernie you told me that last time, what's up?"
Bernie: "Well, I didn't say it was in the mail on the way to you. You see, I mailed it to family members."
Mark: "You did what?"
Bernie: "I mailed your money in checks to my family for Chanukah, so like I said your money was in the mail...Mark, you know I would never lie to you."

Yes, I fully realize that it is not really fair to make humor out of such a serious issue, after all, many of those taken for millions of dollars were nonprofit groups and that is just totally unfortunate. We are in a recession and no one wants to see charities get the short end of the stick.

Indeed, in the end maybe a little humor might help us all cope with this estimated 50 billion dollar take down over Bernie's Ponzi Scheme. It is truly amazing that he was able to hide this from the world, the regulators, the charities, the country club, and all his investors for so many years. Apparently, Bernie is one very smart man who used his intellect in a most insidious manner. We should probably not forget this, otherwise financial history will repeat.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

Finding the Funny Zone in Comedy

2009-04-04T00:48:00.002-07:00

This article concentrates on helping performers take the necessary steps towards professionalism and also helps comedians finding their "zone". It applies to every kind of comedy; stand-up comedy, theatre and other performance arts where comedy is used.

I am a magician myself, but I perform magic mixed with comedy. I have been a professional performer for 15 years, so I have some understanding of what I'm talking about. Comedy is a universal language, everybody respond to it and laughter makes life easier, lighter and happier. To be able to produce quality stand-up comedy is a very important thing in the modern stressful world.

If people think you are funny in everyday life, you probably have a good sense of comedy, you are gifted and you have good timing. If you also enjoy being the center of attention, then I suggest you try a career as a performing artist, because it is obviously something that falls naturally to you.

It so happens, that in this world some of the most gifted people are waiting tables or working in offices and feel bad about their life. They feel they have something to give to this world, but for some reason they haven't been able to make the decision. It's understandable in a sense that this world encourages people to study and get academic education. It requires much courage and self belief to start career as a performer, but it is also very important to do if you have it in you.

Actually a person can succeed in comedy business without ever getting on stage; he can write sitcoms, screenplays and articles, he can do advertising, comics and other related stuff. But most artists of course get onstage doing stand-up, theatre and other performances.

I have learned best from mistakes. To do something wrong in front of your friends can hurt a little, but doing something wrong in front of hundred people in a real life stand-up situation can really hurt! Mistakes have taught me great lessons and gotten me to study my errors in detail. I have understood that I need a solid base to work on, and that means well rehearsed routines. Sometimes it's ok to improvise, especially when someone shouts from the audience or when you need to handle a heckler in a correct way. But other than that, everything should be so well rehearsed you could do it anytime, anywhere. On that base you are free to move and breathe as a performer.

Finding the "zone" can be very difficult for a comedian. I feel most of this is related to finding your stage persona. So many times we hear people say "just be yourself" when we feel insecure and are getting on stage, but nothing is further from the truth in real life. If we want to be able to consistently perform successfully, we need a stage persona. That persona has a "funny attitude" or a certain edge or angle to his being that makes people like him. When you get on stage and you get laughs, there is something you do right and you need to take notes, ask your friends and videotape your shows to understand what this "angle" is. Then work with it, build your stage persona around it and do lots of performances. Nothing is better than working a lot, because you will establish yourself and your stage persona is growing stronger and more believable.

The best way to get material for your act is to capture spontaneous moments. These moments in life are funny and they carry the right attitude and edge. Study them and practice them, combine with other material you already have and you are well on your way to becoming a successful comedy stand-up performer.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kim_Wist

Why Men Fear Purses

2009-04-04T00:48:00.001-07:00

Most men want nothing to do with purses, although a few have probably wondered, with today's required hoard of sophisticated gadgetry, whether a “man purse” might be practical. After all, it’s just a fancy, high-priced wallet – isn’t it?

Well, maybe not. Gucci's collection of carryalls range from $300 to over $3,000. Fendi, you say? Worse. They have a $6,600 bag in their collection. Prada may be sensible for keeping their bags under two grand. I can't think of many things you'd spend that much money on, and this alone strikes fear in the minds of the most-modern of men. Truth is, there’s more to this leather-on-a-string accessory than meets the eye. There's power in the purse strings, gentlemen.

At some point, a girlfriend, wife or mother has likely asked you a truly heart-stopping question: “Could you fetch my cell phone from my purse?” “Would you hold on to 'it' for me, while I adjust one of my shoes”…in public?! Your approach to this request was akin to a big, hairy spider that crept inside the house, and you, holding the live snake with two fingers like a week-old pair of socks, replied, “You do it,” garnering 'the look', the one all men get from time to time.

You failed the test, one similar to a dog's attempt to mark its territory. A woman's purse is a sacred vessel holding her most precious necessities – and a few items the men they love can’t carry themselves. If it doesn't fit in the bag, its not worth taking along, something only women understand.

But what makes a purse such an idol of status? The flashier the bag, it seems, the more wealthy and tasteful the owner. The idea is as old as Egypt, where ancient hieroglyphs show people carrying jewel-encrusted pouches. In medieval times, men carried “purses” containing currency strapped around their waist for the long journey between trading posts. Somewhere along the way, the purse and the wallet went separate ways, and by the 1920’s, a simple pouch used as a functional carrying case became the status symbol of the contemporary woman.

Today there’s so much stereotyping going on that – to me – a purse becomes just another target for pigeon-holed banter. Even the name “purse” is politically incorrect; brand name designers refer to them as “handbags” now. The simple truth? Women have purses, tea (oops, wait a minute; I like tea) and make-up; men have sports, beer and war paint. Each have rightful places in society, that's all we need to know.

Men and women are diverse and wonderful creatures. We have struggled to understand each other for eons, but the caveman I dream of saved just enough loin skin from the hunt so Jane could make herself a nice little brooch. The tribesmen likely stared at the fearsome object in wonder, not unlike today’s man whose eyes gloss over when his girl mentions the “p” word.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marc_Zeale

Comedian Rob Paravonian

2009-03-17T02:20:00.001-07:00

Famous for his Pachelbel Rant, which garnered well over five million views on YouTube, Paravonian will be traveling throughout the East Coast and Midwest over the next few months. Musical since his childhood, when he learned to play the cello in grade school, he didn't start bringing his guitar on stage till he was already established as a stand-up comedian. The boredom of waiting for his sets at comedy clubs led him to bring his guitar with him to entertain the other comics waiting in the wings. Since then it has become his major comic tool.

In addition to college campuses and beer joints, Paravonian did the Edinburgh Fringe in 2008 and even traveled to Afghanistan to entertain the troops back in 2005. It was the furthest he's ever traveled for a gig, and he described it as "...a great experience."

He has opened for Roberta Flack, Danny Bonaduce, Gilbert Gottfried and even Meatloaf.

From Rob's MySpace page:

I played the cello for 12 years. I've been in rock bands. I'm a comedian. I will beat you at Ms. Pac Man. I will never shake my Midwestern roots. Lots of people know me from my Pachelbel Rant that's been making the rounds on the internet lately. Aside from minor internet accliam [sic] I make my living tooling about the country performing at colleges and comedy clubs.

So who inspires Rob? Well, he toured last year with the late George Carlin, and says that having worked the legend was the biggest thrill of his career. When Carlin died this past summer, Rob paid tribute to him on a friend's blog.

Carlin at 71 was, above all, a comic, and that's what impressed me the most. With the amount of success, visibility, and recognition he had earned, he could easily have set up shop in Vegas and made a fine living doing concerts of his greatest hits. Instead, he chose to work on all new material, fine-tuning it to the point where it's not only funny but also says something.

Carlin's death meant that Paravonian's work schedule was all up in the air, but for him that meant back to the comedy clubs and campuses he has made his name at over the years.

Other influences were Johnny Carson, Jack Benny and The Simpsons. He considers Kyle Broflofsky from South Park as one of his comic "heroes." Paravonian studied comedy in Chicago at the famed Second City Training Center and became one of their improve regulars.

In addition to his comedy website, he also has a blog, or web log, to provide more timely updates to his friends and fans.

Rob Paravonian has three live comedy CDs - Live on Both Coasts, Official Bootleg and Playing for Drunks; three studio CDs - Living it Down, American Cheese and Don't Crowd the Plow; as well as two DVDs - 40 Minutes From Chicago and Rob P. Live.

Wendy Sullivan is a blogger, writer and radio host. Her paralegal background and freelance career has allowed her the opportunity to research into various and sundry areas from politics to war to health care. Unique among her peers, Wendy has moved 30 times in her 32 year life so far. She is creating an e-book right now to assist individuals and families to relocate with as little stress as possible

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Wendy_Sullivan