Among the many wonders of human nature is the fact that truffles ever got discovered as a food source in the first place. Pigs have an uncanny knack of digging them up and they seem to relish them. But this is the sort of thing one would expect from a pig. Early Man must have observed this behaviour among wild boars and quite possibly staked out known truffle sites in order to trap them. But at what point did the truffle cease to be a means of obtaining pigs and pigs become the means of obtaining truffles? More to the point: why???? What kind of man, after waiting all night for a wild boar to stumble upon his truffle-baited pig-trap would then look at the bait used and say: " Hmmmm. Looks like a cross between a tumour and a turd, smells like body odour... Outa my way, Pig! I'm having that!" I'll tell you what kind: a madman.

Mental illness hadn't really been identified in those days so the poor mad fool was allowed to interbreed with the 'normal' Neanderthals (the inverted commas are obligatory) which gave rise to a deviant sub-species of Homo Sapien later to become known as The French.

Perhaps I'm lacking something but I cannot seem to share the obsession with food that is currently sweeping the nation. To me, food is a means by which we help to postpone death for as long as possible. I'm neither a junk food junky nor a health food fanatic. I don't eat to excess nor do I starve myself to regain that mythical teenage physique. I enjoy my food but I don't obsess over it. I consider myself well balanced and normal in this respect. So why do I feel so alienated? Sureley there are others of my kind somewhere on this planet!!?

Does not your mouth water at the words: "Richly caramelised fried onions"? Richly caramelised??? In the old days we used to say "burnt to buggery" but I suppose "richly caramelised" has a nice ring to it.

A big irritation with me is the condescending attitude toward those of us who like steak actually cooked in the middle. Men have become competitive about the rareness of their steaks: "Call that rare!!? It's incinerated! Just take the horns off and wipe its ass. I want mine bleeding to death on my plate!"

Call me a Philistine but dead isn't enough for me.... I like my meat cooked as well. I don't want to be wondering whether to eat it or send it a Get Well Soon card. No pink! I want mine a sort of greyish colour all the way through and nearly black on the outside and I don't care who knows it.

Food etiquette is something we could happily live without. Let's face it: no one has ever been rushed into hospital for an emergency gastric lavage because they ate the "nose" off the Stilton. Unless, of course, they happen to be allergic to Stilton. Caviar looks, smells and possibly tastes like .... well, not food anyway. It is eaten because it is expensive. The peasants who gather it for export probably wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. Why do we do this? Possibly because, by now, we are all descendants of that mad fool who fought off a fortnight's supply of bacon for a foul-smelling, black fungus it dug out of the dirt. An interesting thought.