One of my buddies was called in for jury duty. I realize that this is an essential part of a working democracy, but they really don't make it simple for you. You go there, they either pick you or don't pick you. They pick you, you're gone for a number of weeks. They don't pick you, you're screwed. You're back in the pool, waiting for another call.



This makes it tempting to try to avoid jury duty, by pretty much making yourself as unattractive to the lawyers involved. The simple method would be to portray yourself as a racist. You could start the interview by saying you don't like a certain type of person. If that's actually true, knock yourself out. Hate 'em all. Put it out in he open. But what if that is not the case ? You will be on the public record as being a bigot. That might hamper your future political career.



The other possibility would be to appear disheveled. Bad Idea. Ask Nick Nolte.



So here, for your convenience, are a series of tricks you might want to use. These tricks are harmless, as they will not hamper your career prospects. Let's start:



* Tickle the prospective juror sitting next to you. Repeat the operation once in a while. It is very important that you smile like a loving parent, and not look weird or anything. Extra points if you are of the same sex as the ticklee.


* Walk in with the book Bonfire of the Vanities and wear brown lipstick. Extra points if you are a guy.


* Walk in proclaiming "I hope this is for American Idol, 'cos I ain't judging no Canadian Idol."


* Declare you are good friends with Brian Mulroney (Canada) or Scooter Libby (U.S.).


* Tourette's syndrome is your friend.


* Answer questions with your singing voice.


* Every time someone is dismissed, say stuff like "I knew he was no good."


* Use a military Sargent voice. Watch Full Metal Jacket for an example. Learn about terms like reach around. Never laugh. Might require you getting a buzzcut, though, to avoid getting in trouble with the judge.


* Stare at the pretty girl next to you and ask the judge if there is a possibility that the jury will be secluded. Pick a normal looking girl, who may have a chance of getting picked. If she's wearing a swastika or a white hood, change target! She's going for the racist angle, and flirting with a Nazi is just as bad as being a Nazi. Trust me.