Google "What is the average age for potty training?" as I just did, and the first result that comes up is something from the University of Michigan Health System. Now, originally I thought, "Well, what does the University of Michigan know about the toilet?" but then I remembered that is where its most recent football season went. According to an article on the site, the average human is ready for potty training at the age of 24 to 27 months. It is assuring to know that in terms of our own waste, we are only 24 to 27 months behind cats. But that's okay -- we're better than cats in other ways. For example, we can create funny commercials in which we make it seem like cats are singing when in actuality they are not. Yes, we sure do have an advantage over those cats!

Despite humans being ready for potty training at 24 to 27 months, the actual process is not complete until typically 29 months for girls and 31 months for boys. I think the two-month gap is a result of boys trying to potty train while reading newspapers on the toilet, which causes an issue because they cannot yet read. But whether a person is a boy, a girl or a cat -- just stay with me here on that one -- it is not until around age 12, by my calculations, that a human truly learns the importance of washing one's hands after using the bathroom. Originally this notion will be met with some apprehension, especially during the teenage angst years when things such as soap and water are common victims of angst, but most people catch on to the importance and learn to do it without complaining. That is why I am so bothered when I enter a bathroom at a restaurant and see a sign that reads, "Employees: Make sure you wash your hands before exiting the bathroom!"

There are several variations of this sign. When the sign has the word "please" at the end, that usually indicates that the employees must be begged to wash their hands, and that means that I should not order anything that isn't wrapped in two layers of tin foil. This sign is especially troubling when the word "please" is written in a different color from the rest of the sign. This shows that the original sign was not working, and therefore the "please" was added as a last-ditch effort. Even worse is the restaurant that offers incentive bonuses to its employees for washing their hands. I don't know of a restaurant that actually does this, but technically this would be worse...

Any restaurant that has a hand-washing sign is evidently one where the employees and the customers are sharing the same bathroom. This seems like a mistake to me, as it is a clear violation of the employee-customer bathroom code, a code that I am now creating in hopes that it will become a major topic for debate as our presidential race heats up. For example, when a waiter asks me to place my order, I want to know that the waiter was not previously sitting on the same toilet seat that I was. More so, I don't want to know that the waiter even goes to the bathroom -- ever. This is exactly why people go to restaurants: to escape. What's next? When I share a bathroom with a waiter, will he come up to me and say, "So, that one stall is a pain to flush. But I guess you would know that, being you were right next to me a minute ago. So, anyway, would you like an appetizer to start?"

Perhaps the fault of the bathroom hand-washing sign is truly in the hands, pardon the pun, of the employer and not the employees. An employer should know better than to post a public reminder that all customers can see. While these employers are at it, why not add a "No Picking Your Nose" sign or a "Don't Spit on Other People's Food" reminder? On second thought, never mind: these signs might give employees an idea...