I don't mean to alarm anyone and I certainly don't mean to be an extremist, (Okay, the article on the destruction of mankind as we know it may have been borderline) but there is a rumor that, if true, could cause extreme havoc in the community and the release of thousands of people taking to the streets and screaming at the top of their lungs, like in a bad Japanese monster flick. I'm speaking about, of course, the return of Disco!

I know. I know. Those of us who lived through it, back in the 70's remember, all to well, the metamorphosis that took place in our culture. It was a little more than three decades ago that the onslaught of music, with the open and closed cymbal, made people dress in very bizarre fashions and forced them to go to nightclubs so they could "Shake Their Booty", because "That's The Way They Liked It" (Uh-huh, uh-huh.)

Many of you may have met your future spouses at one of these places, married them, and created your own generation of disco dudes and dudettes. The writing is on the wall, folks. What goes around, comes around and the chance that your offspring might end up in this God-awful craze, could be just a Bee Gees song away.

For those of you who were too (how can I put this delicately?) wrecked to remember anything from the last six years of that decade, here are some telltale signs to determine if a member of your brood is considering becoming trapped in that Black Hole called Disco!

Are they using terms like "funky", "get down" or "bad" when they mean good? Example: Kid - "This hot fudge sundae is bad." Parent - "It smells alright to me." Is their bedroom wall covered with K.C. and the Sunshine Band posters? Have you caught them, in front of the mirrors, practicing dance steps, which include, pointing to the floor and then swinging the arm up and pointing to the sky? Then you've got trouble, my friend, right here in River City. I say, trouble and that starts with "t" which rhymes with "d" and that stands for Disco!

It's amazing the impact those five letters had on our everyday lives; not only in music, but in fashion, too. Who will ever forget bellbottom trousers? I mean, bellbottoms that spread out so wide, Ringling Brothers could have handled a complete matinee under one pant leg and kept a third world country dry under the other one.

The fabric of the 70's was, none other than, polyester. "Poly" from the term "able to stretch like rubber" and "ester" meaning "extremely flammable." (Anyone who has ever dropped a lit cigarette on a pair of polyester pants will know they ignite faster than a Ford Pinto.)

Who will ever forget the popular leisure suit? The universal appeal to this little number was the fact that you could get married in it and, later that afternoon, Velcro a number on the back and play shortstop on a league softball team. Under the jacket would be worn a very loud and decorative shirt with wild colors, crazy patterns, and lapels wide enough to land a troop transport on them.

To cap off this lovely ensemble there was a piece of fancy footwear called the platform shoe. The purpose of these shoes were to allow people, intent on suicide, the opportunity to do it at any given time. The victim would stand on top of these shoes, while a crowd would gather below and chant, "JUMP!" Later, after they went out of style, platform shoes were used to raise houses in low-lying, flood-prone areas.

So, if you feel your children may be falling into this dreaded trap, there is help. Pick up the phone and dial 1-800-DSCO-STNKS. Operators are standing by now to talk to your child about Generation X (or Y, or whatever letter they're using this month) and play music dated no later than 1969.