I am a self confessed "internet dummy." For years I had been trying, without success, to generate a good online income from recurring subscriptions. Just when I was tearing my hair out with frustration, something extraordinary happened-- I had a vision! I woke up in the morning and suddenly understood everything there was to know about internet marketing, all at once, as clear as crystal. The vision came in the form of Ten Commandments which I take great pride in sharing with you below.

Commandment One

TO SELECT YOUR ONLINE BUSINESS, USE CHANCE

To develop your online business-income please ignore your regular email and go straight to your spam folder. When selecting an appropriate business you should aim for the best and that means spam. Nothing is "over-hyped" in this folder, and you can always rely on the messages being realistic and true. Pick any 15 messages relating to income programs. Write the names of them down in a word document. Blindfold yourself and point at the screen. Which ever one you touch is your program and you can discard the rest and start earning income.

Commandment Two

ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SELF

Do not make any contacts with anyone online. To maintain your integrity and independence do everything alone and in isolation as this is the purpose of the internet. New online marketers soon realize that everyone they talk to is an expert. Therefore, by logic, if everyone is an expert then you must also be an expert, so that is why you only tutor yourself and take no knowledge from anyone else.

Commandment Three

NEVER USE YOUR TIME WISELY

The basis of your success online is to be as fresh and alert as possible, and to use good time management skills. The suggestion is to spend one hour sleeping and 23 hours online. This online time should be spent doing practical things that help your automated income business. These activities include watching your favorite movie and video clips, playing solitaire and reading spam emails. Seven minutes a week should be enough time to deal with the other less important issues such as infrastructure development, marketing, networking, training, site-development and planning. Try not to interrupt your online activities with meals. If you must eat then download some simple snack suggestions where you can hold the snack in only one hand, allowing you to type with the other hand. This has the added benefit of reducing any downtime caused by cleaning dishes.

Commandment Four

NEVER PLAN OR EVALUATE

Do not ever draw up a plan or evaluate an outcome .There are many problems associated with plans. They require some form of ACTION to achieve results. But what if no results come? Then you would be worse-off than if you had taken no action because you have wasted your time. And time is your most precious resource. So the solution is to "save time" by doing absolutely nothing. This state of inertia achieved through doing nothing should be highly regarded because it means that there is always the POTENTIAL to do something, but never wasting time doing it.

Commandment Five

NEVER USE LINKS ON THE INTERNET

The great danger with clicking links is that you may be transported to a site from which you CANNOT return. Worse still is the possibility of landing on a link farm. These farms are notorious for capturing online visitors and keeping them against their will. The link farm owners make you work for them by placing you with other prisoners for an indeterminate amount of time. Sadly, you may even be placed beside a dead link, which hasn't yet been removed. This can be a shock and there is nothing you can do to help! You are then used as BAIT for other visitors without fair compensation. This is tantamount to slave labor!

And what about the significance of the link COLOR? Links are mostly colored blue for a reason. Only people whose favorite color is BLUE are likely to click on it. What about all the visitors who have green or yellow as their favorite color, and what about those who are color-blind? You are probably starting to realize that the use of links on the internet could be far more sinister than you think.

Commandment Six

THE ONLY WORTHWHILE ONLINE ADVERTISING IS "WORD-OF-MOUTH"

Classified Ads are useless because as the name suggests they are top-secret, and so people are afraid to read them. Solo Ads are better, but unfortunately they prefer their independence and tend to wander around the internet like a lost traveler. Banner Ads have a lot of EXPOSURE but only seem to advertise banned sites. So the practical means of advertising on the internet is "word of mouth." A good idea is to mention your site name to a family member in polite conversation. But do not give the site ADDRESS to anyone, even to your mother (unless she insists). Follow this rule and I can guarantee your site will remain in almost total obscurity which is perfect because no one will ever be able to criticize your site.

Commandment Seven

HAVE BLIND FAITH IN ALL PAYMENT PROCESSORS

Payment processors are possibly the most popular entities on the internet. To find the most suitable one for your business is paramount. You must only choose those providers that have a solid track record of destroying hundreds of affiliate commissions programs, internet businesses and e-commerce sites through their incompetence. These companies must be doing something right if they are still around. A quick search on "payment processors" should provide you with an ample number of such companies ready to take you on board. In narrowing down your list of eligible companies look for the one which charges HUGE fees for transferring your money. If they charge high fees they must be good. This is a sign of quality. They give you QUALITY and you give them QUANTITY. That way you MUST make your business a success so you can pay the processor fees.

Commandment Eight

NEVER GET CAUGHT IN THE TRAFFIC

Someone on the internet once told me I needed TRAFFIC, and that he would help out by sending me some. All I had to do was pay him. I was very obliged because my car blew a gasket and I had two bald tires. I waited patiently on my porch for 2 weeks but no traffic came. When I contacted him again he told me that without traffic, I would be useless, and that I must target the traffic. He said the reason why I was not getting traffic was that I was not targeting traffic with KEYWORDS. So I decided to act on his advice and made a huge canvas sign and wrote all the keywords on it. The only keywords I could think of were: key ring, locksmith, padlock, keys, and key holder. I faced the giant sign in the direction of the highway and waited for a result. I am sad to say that I still did not receive any traffic so find it difficult to endorse any traffic programs on the internet.

Commandment Nine

TERMINOLOGY CAN BE A STICKY BUSINESS

Here are 5 simple online terms that you will need to use every day:

Bloger: Someone who does their morning jog whilst holding an internet device

Slugs: These are small animals that make attractive marks across your monitor

Spam: A type of dog food, easily downloaded to feed virtual pets

Keyword Cannibalization: A nasty method of devouring anti-vegetarian keywords

Link Bait: This is a type of poison that you leave out for the spiders

Commandment Ten

PLEASE, NO CONTENT

Content is king. Every visitor is looking for quality content. So if it is so good why make it easy to find? Make the content on your site HARD to find. Make your home page BLANK. This will be so different that visitors will be totally intrigued. They will be at a loss as to know how to navigate your site. This will cause frustration, leading to anger. Now you will be set up beautifully for what in the industry we call the "emotional sell.

This sell will be achieved by having a piece of text scroll across the screen with a comment such as "ARE YOU ANGRY YET?" Repeat that phrase in 2 minute intervals with a blank screen in between. Then scroll a text link asking: DO YOU WANT TO BUY ANYTHING YET? If the person is still there, and they are still emotional, and they click the link, you might have a sale. But first you have to ask them what products they would like to buy. For an income generating site is the simplest way to get sales on the internet.

Disclaimer: Please do not take the comments of this article seriously. They are meant as a joke, so please do not try to implement the suggestions.

Mr. Anthony O'Neill M.A., has extensive experience as a CEO and Managing Director of a Wholesale Health Company specializing in health products from India and Great Britain. His career includes 20 years of experience teaching and lecturing in Australia and USA, as well as direct experience as an advertising executive with a national Media outlet. At present he is developing a network of customers to his home income portal site on the internet.