The philosopher Karl or Groucho Marx once (and maybe twice) said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." No one had any clue what he meant. Until now. Until me.

That's right - today I am about to broach the most controversial topic known to man (other than whether Clay Aiken's soon-to-be-born baby will be of a recognizable gender - or if it will take after him.) The controversial topic to which I refer is Religion, which somehow seems scarier when it is typed with all-caps in a vaguely Gothic font.

At the outset, or - since this is already the third paragraph - at the not-quite-so outset, I should (in the interests of full-disclosure) reveal that I myself am a practicing Shiite Baptist. We Shiites adhere to a Baptist doctrine called The Priesthood Of The Believer, which essentially states that you and I both have the right to reach different conclusions regarding religious matters, but that yours are wrong.

And this cuts straight to the heart of the nub of the matter. There is a basic design flaw in most of our religions. It is this: those of us who are most vocal about proclaiming that our God is the all-knowing and all-powerful King of All Creation (whereas your god is a 90-pound wienie), also believe that our God can't work His way through a single day without a little non-divine intervention from - you guessed it - us.

We - and by "we" I mean all of us: Muslims, Scientologists, Hare Krishnas, clean-shaven Krishnas, and Holy Rollers like me - have each concluded that God chose Us to be the instruments of His will. We are God's sniveling little hall monitors, and we think it is our job to tell the rest of the world to tuck their shirts in and get to class on time. Without our constant supervision of everyone else's morals, God - Master Designer, builder of everything from Jupiter to belly button lint, and a guy who can work Rubik's Cube in... like 2 seconds - would just take his universe and go home.

Logically - and yes, I realize that "logic" has no place in most people's discussion of religion - if we truly believe that God is in control, shouldn't we leave it to Him to sort out who will or won't get in to Heaven? I mean, has He actually asked any of us to help Him decide? (I volunteered, but haven't heard back from Him - yet.) And - if we haven't been invited to make those decisions, doesn't it stand to reason that God will be very ticked at us when we do? As fun as it is to condemn others to eternal torment in Hell, is it worth the Wrath of... (you know Whom)?

For reasons known only to Him, God made mosquitoes - and they are very good at what they do. Even the simplest of God's creatures - fruit flies, viruses, and car salesmen - are all equally adept at performing the tasks He assigned them. I propose that the rest of us just try our best to do those jobs we are actually qualified to do, and leave the business of being God to God.