Men are simple creatures, with simple rules for living. If something smells OK, it's still clean. Dishwashing is optional, subject to mood and available time. Moving things into storage means never having to clean out the garage.

Women understand these assumptions to be, well, asinine. Differences between men and women are well-known but seldom understood. To avoid a lifetime of loneliness, headaches, and social unrest, consider these simple rules when sharing a roof with the one you love.

Rule #1 - Never put off until tomorrow what you can clean up, fix or replace today.
A woman walks into a room and smells that something is amiss. Think Spiderman; it's her seventh sense. Mitigate the damage and the eventual chew-out by doing the right thing right now. A trip to Wal-Mart could mean the difference between an omniscient "I told you so" and sleeping under the deck.

Rule #2 - If she left it out or put it together, don't touch it.
No matter how much you think you're 'helping out', you're just as likely to irreparably damage the flow and balance of something she's working on. One could even sense these booby traps as tests, to see if you were listening three days ago when she told you what it was for, and what would happen if you messed it up. Keep in mind these are people who know pain. Think childbirth, menstruation, menopause. They know ways to hurt us we wouldn't want to imagine.

Rule #3 - Look good, or endure the 'mother routine'.
Guys grow up without the ability to coordinate, to accessorize or decipher bad taste; its a simple fact of life. When your mother dressed you before school, she was only preparing you for the embarrassing, lifelong routine of undoing fashion don'ts on a daily basis.

Rule #4 - Focus, and finish well.
As Ben Franklin learned shortly after electrocuting himself while discovering electricity, doing more doesn't excuse not doing something well. Concentrate on doing one thing well before venturing into multi-tasking. Inevitably, she'll notice the things you didn't do right first.

Rule #5 - Treat her personal items with respect; in fact, don't touch those either.
Here again, ironing her blouse doesn't excuse the fact that you put the hanger on the wrong way when you put it in the closet. By trying to dust the photos on the mantle, you dropped the picture of you and her in that place you went a couple years ago that you can't remember. The cost-benefit ratio is not in your favor, leave it to the professionals.

Rule #6 - Learn to like pets.
Before you, there was Spot, Dusty, Precious, and Rin Tin Tin. They're cost-effective, give unconditional love and take direction much better than you. Unless you outshine them someday, they'll be around much longer than you. Give them a wide berth, and keep smiling when you're cleaning up their mess.

Rule #7 - Whatever can happen, will.
Men gamble with odds every day. In our quest to save time and energy, we roll the dice on the laws of gravity and circumstance, too often getting burned in the process.

We believe that setting a dinner plate half-way off the counter (for just a second) while juggling other dishes will work out; that the odds of an iron - sitting upright on much-too-cluttered stairs - will fall to the floor two hours later when we throw something else there, are slim; that carrying six items in one trip is better than carrying two safely three times is a good idea.

Inevitably, an evil force is watching, laughing like the devil when it ends in disaster. Don't tempt fate, you'll be sorry.

Rule #8 - Don't wait, do it now.
Do women understand that watching the greatest play you've ever seen in slow-motion - four more times - trumps taking out the garbage? That reliving the fantasies of displaced blue-collar dogs who should have been drafted into pro sports is more important than setting the table?

Fat chance. Odds are in thirty minutes you've forgotten the detailed instructions she gave, and there's no two-minute warning to let you know when she's about to strike. By this point, your goose is cooked. You're forced to either do it incorrectly or ignore the task altogether, both of which earn you time in the corner with a pointy hat. Do yourself a favor, just do it.

Rule #9 - Little things mean a lot.
If you're one of the few men who actually do things on your own without having to be reminded several times in the course of a day, cheers. If you're like the rest of us, take heart. Even Quasimodo learned to walk with his head up, eventually.

Loading the dishwasher, for example, should be a course in college, since it seems to mean so much to so many women. Set the table. Dust something, anything, and don't use the "good" cleaning rags (who knew..?). Help your underwear find their way to the laundry basket, before its too late. If you come home someday and see your significant other walking toward you with a so-called "clean" fork pointing at you like an expressive middle finger, don't be surprised.

Rule #10 - Know when to say nothing.
If someday you get within earshot and you simply hear a one-word directive, like "yard" or "socks" or whatever, don't defend yourself. You have no idea the chemistry that is the "female mystique". The art of the two-step is better left for the likes of "Dancing with the Stars". Now would be a good time to see what a lovely day it is outside.

The list is long, but mastering the sequence and timing of these simple rules are required reading to be considered an intelligent human being, not an idiot. I'm right there with you, struggling to be the man she knows I could be. Remember, the bed's a lot colder without her, and making her happy means never having to create three squares from scratch every day. In fact, unless you know what you're doing, stay out of the kitchen too. Best of luck in mastering the art of staying out of trouble.

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