A Friendly Note to All My e-Mail Correspondents Listen Up! I'm Just Going to Say this Once.

Hey, call me an old curmudgeon (and many do!), but I'm through pussy-footing around with some of my e-mail correspondents. I've just about had it and I'm not going to take it anymore! So, all you e-mail correspondents of mine, listen up, because I am only going to say this once! I've got a few "bones" to pick with you and, by golly, I'm going to pick them. Now. Right here. You're not going to be able to stop me!

Some of you-and you certainly know who you are, so don't try to say you don't!-seem to find it necessary to consistently irritate me with what I will charitably characterize as your e-mail "quirks." (Actually, I would prefer to use another word here, but I am going to try and keep this note "G-rated.") What am I talking about? Let's get started!

My 'Forward' Correspondents

You know those cute little "sayings," "poems," "inspirational" messages, ad nauseam, that some of you have received from friends and family and have seen fit to "forward" to me, asking me to also forward them to my friends and family? How can I say this? How can I delicately state my true feelings about these "communications"? Stop sending me these! I hate this *#$@! Stop it! Now! No more! (Oh, and don't think I'm moved in the least by your implied threats of something "bad" happening to me if I don't also "forward" these messages. Something "bad" already happens to me the instant I receive these e-mails from you!)

Thank you!

OK, now moving on.

My 'Capital' Correspondents

The use of capital letters is indeed very helpful to a reader of your e-mails, and I especially thank you for taking the time to use them in e-mails you send to me. Among other things, it helps me to know a.) where the beginning of a sentence is; and/or b.) it alerts me that you are using a proper noun, i.e., an important person, place of thing, instead of just an old, commonplace noun. But, come on, can you get out of the habit of USING ALL CAPITAL LETTERS THROUGHOUT YOUR E-MAIL?! Do you have any idea how irritating that is to the reader? Particularly this reader?! Get a life and STOP doing this!

Thank you.

My 'Small' Correspondents

The flip side of the CAPITAL correspondents are those of you who use small letters (usually with no punctuation whatsoever!) throughout your e-mail. Hey, it was cute when poet e.e. cummings introduced this "revolutionary" technique about two hundred years or so ago. Today? Not quite so cute. So can you please refrain from this practice?

Thank you.

My 'ADD' Correspondents

I know, I know. Many of you are getting "a little long in the tooth," and are finding it harder and harder to focus and concentrate these days. But, hey, is it possible for you to at least pretend that you actually read (and understood!) the e-mail I send you and to which (theoretically, at least) you are now responding? I don't mean to hurt your feelings, particularly if you actually are exhibiting early onset symptoms of Alzheimer's, but you're beginning to remind me an awful lot of my friend George. You probably have friends like George, too. You know, the person who is not listening to one word that comes out of your mouth when you're having a "conversation" with him. Instead, he is focused entirely on what he is going to say next! Frustrating! Irritating! Maddening!

In a nutshell, then, all I am asking is this: If I ask you a question (or two or more!) in my e-mail to you, would you please humor me by actually addressing and answering the question(s) in your e-mail response to me?

Thank you.

My 'Celebrity' Correspondents

I am a "news junkie," and as such, I read a LOT of newspapers and editorial columns both online and offline each and every day. I particularly like to read the editorials, and of course, I have my "favorites," who, for obvious reasons, shall go unnamed here. So, whenever I read something I particularly like, by someone whose writing or viewpoint I particularly admire, I usually take the time to e-mail the reporter or editorial writer and tell them so. Do I ever get a response of any kind? Surely you jest! Not even an "auto response" acknowledgment. Sad.

Now, I am fully aware that some of you view yourselves as "celebrities," and maybe you are, at least in the sense that the term is so loosely defined in today's society. Maybe you honestly believe that you simply can't be bothered to acknowledge, in any way shape, form or fashion, us, "the little people," who actually read what you write and care enough to comment upon it.

And you wonder why the number of newspaper subscribers/readers continues to trend downward, year after year after year.

Can you at least set up some type of "auto response" to let your readers who respond to you know that their comments were actually received? You are writing something for people to actually read, aren't you? I hope so.



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