Help! I've just found out I'm plagiocephalic and I don't know what to do!

That's right, I've got plagiocephaly. It's bad enough that in my forties I was diagnosed with hemachromatosis. Now, in my fifties, I have this to contend with. It really is getting too much!

What does plagiocephaly mean? In a nutshell, to use an appropriate term, it means my noggin ain't round. I've got a flat spot on the back of my head.

It seems that when I was a bun fresh out of the oven I wasn't turned often enough. I was left to lie flat on my back, with the result that I have a misshapen scone.

There's no wonder my mind is given to feeling flat at times. I've also now got a vital clue as to why, whenever I try to bake a loaf, it goes flat in the middle. It's enough to leave you numb in the skull!

At this point my deformity still has a covering of hair, albeit sparse and rather grey, but hopefully it doesn't show too much. I've yet to figure out what I'll do when I get old and the grasslands recede, leaving a tell-tale desert.

Perhaps I can have a happy, positive message to the world tattooed on it, or maybe decorate it with a pair of eyes in readiness for a classic sarcastic response.

Whichever way, the craniologist says I can't do much about it now. I'm stuck with it, so I'm off to see a phrenologist to find out what it really says about my personality.

I'm also searching on the internet for a list of famous plagiocephalics who I can identify with to prove that I have a yet-to-be-discovered awesome talent at something or other.

I think perhaps someone should invent some sort of automatic rotisserie for babies so this won't happen in future.