My local cable company recently started carrying the Golf Channel. I can only assume this is because it couldn't afford more stimulating programming, like the Knitting Network or Drying Paint Television.

I just don't understand why anybody would waste valuable tube time watching "athletes" wearing clown pants chase a little white ball around an oversized pool table. Maybe if they stocked the water hazards with live piranhas and made the golfers dive in to retrieve their errant tee shots, I'd think about tuning in.

I find it much more productive to spend a Sunday afternoon sprawled across my La-Z-Boy to watch football while drinking beer and belching the theme song to The Brady Bunch.

But there is a way to make televised golf at least as exciting as the latest episode of Masterpiece Theater. Instead of the PGA or the U. S. Open, all the networks have to do is broadcast a typical hackers' Saturday morning excursion to the links.

I'm talking about those weekend duffers who bring golf to a whole new level by playing with a reckless abandon typically seen in the NFL, NHL, or during the daily rush hour commute. I'm not sure if this is due to a heartfelt passion for the game or the two cases of Budweiser that are consumed during the round.

I can imagine what those normally staid golf broadcasters would be saying if they were to call one of these Fearsome Foursome's rounds. Here are some possible excerpts from a telecast, with golf legends Bogey Vance and Hook Driver providing the commentary:

Hole 2

Bogey: Well Hook, it looks like Jackson just popped open his fifth beer, and we're only on the second hole.

Hook: That's right Bogey, I'm not sure how he does it. He's putting those Budweisers away like he's John Goodman at a buffet table. I wonder if he'll be able to finish the round.

Hole 6

Bogey: Jackson just sliced his tee shot into the woods for the fifth consecutive hole-a new course record!

Hook: What an amazing round! Jackson is well on his way to topping his worst score ever. Wait-what's he doing there in the woods? Is he getting out his wedge?

Bogey: No Hook, I think he's getting out his...Oh my God! I can't believe what he's doing to that tree! Oh, the humanity!... Um, we'll be right back after this word from TeePees-the only adult diaper specifically designed for golfers. Remember-the worse you play, the more you need TeePees-the diaper of champions.

Hole 14

Hook: It looks like Greely has taken over driving the cart from Jackson-he just didn't have it today.

Bogey: That's right Hook. I saw this coming back on the eleventh hole when Jackson drove the cart into the gallery. Boy, that crowd sure did part in a hurry. It was like Moses at the Red Sea.

Hook: Oh no-Peterson just threw his club in frustration for the sixth time today. Look out! It's headed straight for us! You better---(THUD!)

Bogey: We'll be right back after a word from ClubHead-the only pain reliever specifically made for golfers....MEDIC!

Hole 18

Bogey: After 12 hours, we're down to the final hole, with only two golfers-and one announcer-still left standing. Dusk is setting in, and the round is mercifully about to conclude.

Wait-don't look now, but it looks like Jackson is coming to, and...what's he doing? He's trying to drive the cart again! He's headed straight for the water...he's in the water! I sure hope they can get him out in time--those piranhas look hungry.



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