The other day, as I was watching precious minutes of my life sprout wings and fly away while on hold with Big Company Customer Service, I began to wonder what would happen if our emergency services providers implemented an automated system to answer phone calls. Here's one possible scenario...

Thank you for calling 911, your one-stop home for emergency services. If you have a life-threatening medical emergency, please press 1. If your emergency is not currently life-threatening, but could become so in the next 15 to 20 seconds, please press 2. For all other emergencies, such as volcanic eruption, flood, or erectile dysfunction, please press 3.

Beep

You have selected a life-threatening medical emergency. Please select from the following options: If your emergency involves a severe loss of blood, press 1. If you are experiencing projectile vomiting, uncontrollable seizures, or a large discharge of oozing pus, please press 2. If you are clutching your chest while staggering around the room like Fred Sanford and shouting, "This is the big one! 'Lizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya, honey!" please press 3. For all other emergencies, please press 4.

Beep

You have selected a severe loss of blood. If this was caused by your own stupidity, such as attempting to sharpen the blade of your running lawnmower, please press 1. If it is the result of a domestic dispute, such as saying to your wife, "Honey, that new dress makes your butt look kind of big," please press 2. If it is caused by the bite of a rabid, carnivorous mammal such as a pit bull, raccoon, or Sean Hannity, please press 3. For all other causes, please press 4.

Beep

You have selected, "your own stupidity." Because of your pea-sized brain, we can only assume that you are unfamiliar with even the most rudimentary first-aid methods, and are losing blood at an alarming rate. If you are still conscious, please press 1. If you have drifted into La-La land, please stay on the line, and one of our Customer Care-Less Representatives will assist you shortly.

Beep Beep Beeeeeep!!

You have emphatically selected option 1. Please stay on the line, and one our Customer Care-Less Representatives will assist you shortly. In the interim, enjoy the Muzak version of Bryan Adams' "Cuts Like a Knife."

Thank you for patience for the last 22 minutes. Due to our heavy call volume, all of our Customer Care-Less Representatives are currently not helping other customers. Your call is very important to us. While you are waiting, we suggest that you apply direct pressure to the wounded area, and if necessary, use your belt as a tourniquet...

Thank you for waiting for an additional 34 minutes. By now, we can only assume your are in a severely weakened state and your time is running out. If you are Catholic and wish to receive the Sacrament of the Infirm, also known as "Last Rites," please press 1 and Father Dudley, our recently paroled in-house priest, will assist you shortly. For all other denominations, please press 2 for the daily recording of "Dial-a-Prayer." If you are not a member of any organized religion, please press 3 and the Prince of Darkness will be with you to take your reservation.

Be...

You have selected option 1, for Last Rites. Unfortunately, Father Dudley is currently meeting with his parole officer and is unavailable. Please stay on the line, and you will be transferred to his voice mail. If you wish to speak to a Customer Care-Less representative,



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