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How a man impresses a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her

How a woman impresses a man: Show up naked with beer.

I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby.

Now that you're a grownup,

I have one question..... What happened?

If asked to choose between two evils: "money" and "women"

choose the lesser evil "money"

even though it will attract the greater evil

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart

is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

Magnets have a positive side!

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

At this moment 3.7 million are sleeping,

2.3 million are falling in love,

4.1 million are eating

and only 1 fool in the whole world is reading this text.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.'

Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Always Remember

Money isn't everything!

But make sure you have made enough of it before talking such nonsense

-Bill Gates-

Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect

who's smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous.

They've already eliminated you from the list of suspects.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Edoka_Tony

We've all heard that old saying, "You are what you eat," and very literally, that statement is true if we add what you drink. If you eat or drink it, it does become part of what you are. But what about our minds...aren't we pretty much a product of what we read? There is a great deal of additional sensory input that influences who we are but reading plays a big part in our mental makeup. It stands to reason then, that the magazines we read tell a lot about who we are. So lets have some fun with that concept, ala the "Merchant of Venom," Don Rickles.

Time, Newsweek, et cetera. Well, it's pretty obvious you hockey pucks are news junkies. You just have to have your weekly fix of what's going on in the world. What's wrong, don't you get enough bad news by watching TV? Yes, you probably watch the Fox News Network just to see Bill O'Reilly scream at some poor dunces who couldn't resist going on his show to make a point. They obviously don't realize he's the only one allowed to make points on HIS show. And isn't a show supposed to be some kind of entertainment? If so, why are you dummies watching entertainment when you should be reading the news?

Landscape Digest, American Gardener, et cetera. Boy, you people are really something. You'd rather mess around in your garden than get out among people and interact. You're not kidding anyone. You want your landscaping to be perfect so you can complain about the Jones' next door who only have the scrubby stuff put in by the builder. The Jones' may not have a pretty yard but at least they have time to do something worthwhile. May thistles eat your hollyhocks!

PC World, E-week, et cetera. Nerds, nothing but nerds and computer geeks. I'll bet you read that stuff just to make sure your machines are up to date. Come on, those machines are just an excuse to get on the internet and waste time. You're probably addicted to chat groups and can't wait until your online buddies reply to your last inane posting. You ought to try using your computer for something productive like helping the Planetary Society look for extra-terrestrial life. What, you use it for games? On my God! Good grief! I don't believe it!

Gentleman's Quarterly, Vogue, et cetera. Clothes horses unite! Those fashion trends are just that, TRENDS. Get back to reality. You guys ought to be wearing leisure suits and zoot suits. You gals should have on flapper garb and all that good old fashioned stuff that never goes out of style. Just look at the way fashion changes over the years. Men, have you still got those neck ties that are one inch across? What, you gave them to Goodwill? You must be crazy, those babies are coming back and you're gonna be sorry.

Playboy, Cosmopolitan, et cetera. Damn, if only I had more space. But you clowns don't need to worry...like the Terminator, I'll be back.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ray_Carter

Life can be satisfying but we are always seeking something better. For example, after purchasing a Kia, you realize a Porsche would be more satisfying. Most of us are always looking for the latest upgrade in anything we purchase. Let's face it, we just aren't satisfied with anything. Here are some satisfying moments to think about.

Which is more satisfying?

Seeing your favorite professional sports team being the best team in the league or their biggest rival being the worst?

Your son hitting the winning homerun in a baseball game or your loud mouth neighbor's son strike out with the bases loaded?

Getting promoted or watching your hateful supervisor get fired?

Dating a gorgeous man or woman or seeing your ex-spouse marry the homeliest person on the planet?

Avoiding a speed trap or watching a guy in the Porsche get nailed by a cop doing 100 in a 35?

Getting an A on the final exam or watching your obnoxious know-it-all classmate get an F on his?

Finding a great spiritual leader or watching another one of those money grubbing televangelists get busted by the IRS?

Your favorite movie earning an academy award or one you hate getting a Raspberry (Razzie) award?

Watching a wildlife reality show get renewed for another year or a celebrity reality show get cancelled?

Dallas Cowboy Pacman Jones being "rebellion" or Cincinnati Bengal player Chris Henry
Not pulling out a gun or drinking with underage girls?

Getting a promotion or finding out your irritating co-worker was demoted?

... William Greene



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=William_S_Greene

Many internet denizens have noticed a new phenomenon cropping up on the internet, namely funny motivation posters. These posters, created by various anonymous comedians, feature everything from house cats to hilarious screw-up's caught on camera. They may not motivate, but they do entertain, and as such there has been a rush to create them as various people try to go for the biggest laugh.

What goes into a funny motivation poster?

Though the images in these posters vary, the format is the same. A simple black border, separated by another black border with a white (or other lightly-colored) line, with an image inside and a few large words at the bottom. The large words are always followed by a brief comment to ensure the viewer gets the joke, and this setup mocks more proper (but less entertaining) motivational posters. Such an image is easy to make, and many people have created easily modified images and blank templates to ensure that anyone can quickly and easily make their own.

Can I make a funny motivation poster?

Sure! It's the internet, who'd wanna stop you? Let's say you took a picture of your cat standing atop your mailbox. After cropping it and centering it inside the frame, you might decide that it looks like he's guarding your mailbox. So you put in some big text at the bottom which reads "GUARD CAT" and then include the subtitle "He protects us from bills." There you go, it's that easy and simple.

But it isn't motivational at all!

Most of these posters aren't. In fact, some are decidedly depressing, or thick with dark humor, and are even referred to as "Anti-Motivation Posters." The phenomenon of funny motivational posters (known as a "meme" in internet jargon) extends well beyond the bounds of merely providing motivation. Many times they are used to succinctly make a point, comment on a picture, or otherwise entertain. Sometimes they even comment on other motivational posters! While the earliest ones kept with a motivational theme, that has long since been discarded in favor of pure humor, and now it's rare to find a poster that has anything to do with motivation.

Then why are they still called "funny motivation posters"?

The meme started with a motivational format, and the name has stuck even if the name has not. The fact is, they are still meant to appear similar to motivational posters found and ignored in offices around the world, and as such they are quietly poking fun at the idea that a poster could make a place more fun to work at. Many still work as motivational posters, non-standard as they are, and many people who are big fans of this meme have printed them out to post on the cubicle walls.

Is this legal?

Provided that the image used in the poster has an open copyright or is one you made yourself, it's fine. So come on in and join the fun, and see what others have made, and maybe even make a poster or two yourself?



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ian_Pennington