Now folks these are my trade secrets! Ordinarily you'd have to pay for this or I'd have to kill you or a combination of the two. If you ever want your boss to think you are working tirelessly then this is right up your alley!

1. Aggressive typing. When your boss walks by start hammering at your keyboard while looking intensely at the screen. Ignore all external stimuli until they walk by.

2. Filing Frenzy. You will need to pull a few files out of your cabinet and set them beside your table. As soon as the boss walks your way, get up and begin to file them where you originally got them. You will look productive.

3. Refuel. Keep a depleted cup of coffee on your table. When you see the big boss coming, get up and go and refill. Coffee is the fuel of productivity. Also remember to throw in a cheesy line like, "hey hey hey jet fuel!"

4. Stress out. Stress out about something. Or rather, perfect the act of looking stressed out. Grit teeth, place your hands on your head, smack your head into the table, throw a stapler across the room. The boss will think you are stressed out because of all your hard work and commitment.

5. Be Mr/Mrs Efficient. Pick an employee you dislike. Let us call that person Lesley. Make up a task you have to do and go tell the boss you are almost done but you are just waiting for Lesley's part (genius I know!).

6. Excel in all things! Transfer information into Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet. If you get any information simply transfer it to an Excel Spreadsheet. You will look smart and organized. Plus you can show off to the boss by showing them a pie chart of employee attendance by department at bowling night.

7. Fake Phone calls. A phone call is a sign of industry. Call your best friend and when the boss walks by, talk about how you need a TPS report ASAP or PRONTO. ASAP and PRONTO are good Caucasian words to use in this instance.

8. The PDF monster. Print out a document in ADOBE pdf format. It will take dog years to actually print and you will seem industrious. This is also a perfect time to use technique 3 and get more coffee for the two hit combo.

9. Re-organize. Stand up, dash out of the room and return with a huge box. The box should contain material associated with productivity like: staplers, calendars, paper clips, baseball bats etc. You decided to "re-organize" your desk and improve efficiency.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Isaac_Lungu

When I told you I couldn't stop writing bumper stickers, I wasn't kidding. Here are a few more for you to ponder and appreciate. I hope you'll even write a few of your own. They are so much fun and great for your brain. "Bumper-Stickering" is also an excellent party activity. Once again, enjoy:

* The sky isn't falling. It's just hangin' real low.

* 74% of 1/3 of the nation use statistics 27% of the time.

* If I ever see a mushroom cloud, the diet's over.

* Gone wishin'.

* Caution: vehicle loaded with snakes.

* I miss Bush.

* Help cool the Globe: stop pontificating.

* Get into binge thinking.

* I gave The Queen a bear hug.

* I sneak onto golf courses with a push mower.

* Sorry about running into you. Sue my cell phone.

* I only grow marijuana to make rope.

* Just remember: I ALWAYS have the right of way.

* I rescued a dog and it rescued me.

* Who needs a job when you've got 12 games to watch in HD?

* I meditate with my dogs.

* I try only to drive in reverse.

* Chivalry isn't dead. It's just dormant.

* Color me homeless.

* Defeat Global Warming: fight for your right to consume.

* They sure don't make 'em like they used to: China does.

* Sit on a swizzle stick and spin, Elroy.

* No, I do not have the munchies. I always eat 14 donuts at a time.

* Anyone need a black eye?

* My Little Leaguer broke your windshield.

* Mediocrity is the study of meteors, right?

* I traded our 5 cars for 5 bitchen mountain bikes.

* Honk if you're broke.

* Hope springs nocturnal.

* COAL SUCKS.

* I find my best sleep comes at work.

* I bit off more than I can eschew.

* It's a slippery slope of a world we live in. May I suggest cleats?

* The more crap you own, the better a person you are.

* You know, money isn't everything. It's not God. Or, is it? Maybe it is!

* Visualize Earth as it was in the good ol' days: without humans.

* I mean, like, how many species do we really need anyway?

* I've had it up to here with the environment. Can we please change the subject?

* Leave only footprints. Just not on my forehead.

* I no longer eat meat, just mutton.

* I got a steal on this humongous SUV and free gas for week!

* Yeah, there's a pill for that.

* Follow me down the Yellow Brick road to the Neocon Graveyard.

* I look like hell and can't sing. Do I have a chance at stardom?

* I do not get high. I mainly get low.

* I drink beer solely for the cans.

* Don't tell anybody, but I just flung my credit cards into The Grand Canyon.

* Good luck with that, Eunice.

* Now accepting monetary donations.

* Life's a scam.

* Playing tennis with a golf ball: bad idea.

* If God wanted me to sleep, I would've been born asleep.

* Multitaskers make lousy lovers.

* Have you skidded to a stop lately?

* My bank account is on the Endangered Species List.

* Got any spare gold bullion?

* Snorklers have reef madness.

* I've got flatulence and I'm not afraid to use it.

* New reality show idea: "Binging With The Stars"

* To hell, with 'punctuation";



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Grant_Gerver

Apparently, the high dropout rates in high school are causing problems all over the United States, and in most of the US territories. Take the North Pole for instance where the dropout rate amongst elves is nearly 22%. Santa Claus Inc. is having a very tough time with just over 20% of their workforce being illiterate. Mrs. Claus, the corporation's human resource director stated; "If the elves can't read the instructions, we are unable to keep up with our Six Sigma factory assembly line goals for 99.98% perfection."

The quality control factory manager said recently in an interview; "one of the great things about this 150-year-old company is that our quality is second to none. Both parents and children alike trust Santa Corp to deliver toys that are perfect, we don't want any parts falling off, or warranty issues." This has become quite a dilemma, the toys today are much more complicated than they were back when the company first started with Chris Kringle the first.

Today, Chris Kringle VII, CEO and chairman of the company said; "We are doing everything we can to fix the quality control issues and bring forth some TQM [total quality management], ISO 9000, and Six Sigma Black Belt initiatives into the factory." Still, even with these quality issues that companies record is 1500% better than the toys coming out of China, and the toy safety manager stated; "Our toys are perfectly safe and we do not use lead based paint!"

It appears that the "No Child Allowed to Advance," education programs are not working in the North Pole School District, especially when kids drop out of high school, before they learn how to read. Please consider all this.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

So, here we present to you the fantastic Mr. Jeff Dunham, the man behind some of the funniest stuff to hit the world in recent years. He is the guy who created none other than our Achmed the (incompetent) dead terrorist, one of the silliest, bumbling characters known to man, who, incidentally died from a bad dose of "premature detonation"... ahem.

Jeff is one hell of a funny stand up comedian as well as an accomplished ventriloquist and has really fought hard for many long years to get to where he is now. The art of ventriloquism has died off in past years and Jeff Dunham has really worked his corner to bring the magic of this art to the forefront of peoples' imaginations and dreams in modern day hectic lives. Abracadabra!

Through the mysterious magic of his wacky characters, a bit of humor and some wooden puppets, Jeff has managed to sell an eye popping 4 million DVD's as of March 2009.

He started practicing this unusual pastime at age 8 and never ever really found himself a "normal job" in the real world, focusing only instead on making his dreams and passions come to life. If only we all followed our hearts.

From around 1985 Jeff began entertaining the public and his appetite for doing this grew beyond recognition and now he has been on some of the most coveted prime time slots on TV.

Some his characters are:

Walter the darned grumpy old man who always has his arms folded and scowls a lot! Walter would like to run for president, and can't stand his wife or other people.. so beware!

Peanut, another character is a bit of an oddbot thing really, purple skinned, sneaker on one foot, tuft of Green hair and White fur on his body. He likes to be rude to Jeff, so enjoy his sense of humor!

Jose Jalapeno (on a stick!) - literally speaking, this is a talking Jalapeno Pepper, on a stick who wears a Sombrero hat.

Bubba J is a down and out Redneck character who sits drinking beer all day and being a complete dork, trailer trash type of guy!

Sweet Daddy Dee is a sort of pimp for Jeff... and so I assume you can conjur up all sorts of thoughts about this one!

Melvin the superhero guy, a superhero in a Blue costume who enjoys "looking at boobies" with his special x-ray vision....

Achmed the dead terrorist (yay!) - our favorite, a suicide bomber skeleton who forgets he is dead sometimes and threatens the audience members by shouting out, "Silence, I kill you!"

A great range of characters, a huge amount of fun, why not locate some Jeff Dunham footage and set up a "play list" of his clips.

I certainly recommend you look for the bit in reference to 72 virgins - it will have you in fits of laughter - you can apologise right now for upsetting others!

Now you've met Jeff the next logical step is to see what else there is to see and find out.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shaun_Baird