I had to chuckle the other day when I saw a woman at the grocery store vigorously rubbing the handle of her shopping cart with a sanitary wipe, apparently hoping a genie would pop out and grant her three germ-free wishes.

Since when have we become such a nation of germophobes? I mean, Babe Ruth used other players' toothbrushes and they called him the "Sultan of Swing," not the "Prince of Plaque."

But since a lot of folks would rather remove their pancreas with a paring knife than come within sniffling distance of a germ, I thought I'd introduce some products to help make our lives a little cleaner.

1. We all know that one of the most common ways to spread germs is by shaking hands. With that in mind, I introduce "Hand in a Can," an authentic disposable human hand packed in a hermetically sealed container. The economy size is perfect for those multiple handshaking functions like business meetings and political rallies, and the detachable middle finger is great for gesturing in traffic. Available in "Vice Grip" and "Cold 'n Clammy."

2. Dining out can be a special challenge for germophobes. Fortunately, there's "Waiter Abater." If you suspect that your waiter is even thinking about touching his nose, or worse, your entree, a simple press of a button zaps him with 100,000 volts of electric current from strategically positioned Taser guns. The chef then emerges from the kitchen to torture him with a turkey baster.

3. Speaking of dining out, we all know that restaurant salad bars are a breeding ground for bacteria. Thank God for "Salad Salvation," from the makers of Lysol. Just a quick spritz from the handy spray bottle wipes out all cold germs, 27 kinds of bacteria, and the occasional busboy. Available in three delicious flavors sure to complement any salad, including "Spring Blossom," "Menthol Potpourri," and "Bye-Bye E. Coli."

4. The best way to dodge germs is to avoid any contact with strangers. That's why there's "Kiss My Asp." This specially trained four-foot deadly Sahara horned viper fits easily into a purse or fanny pack, and is ready to strike anyone who ventures within ten feet of you. It comes with a vial of anti-venom for those unfortunate "accidents."

5. You no longer have to fear getting close to that special someone. From the makers of Trojan condoms, there's "French Miss," a sanitized rubber wrap that fits over any tongue. It comes in a variety of flavors, including "Essence of Garlic," "Morning Breath," and "Cigarette Butt" to alleviate the feeling that you're kissing a poncho.

6. And what can we say about the germ factories better known as public restrooms? Those paper sheets used to cover toilet seats are useless. (Have you ever seen those people who refill the dispensers?) Why not bring your own? Now there's "Bun Buddy," an inflatable sanitized seat cushion designed to fit any institutional toilet seat. Not only will you be protecting yourself from germs, but the sound of you blowing it up will provide some interesting imagery to the person in the next stall.

7. You can't escape germs in the workplace. But with "Cube Tube," a portable cylinder filled with sanitary wipes made especially for offices, you can fight back against corporate crud. Just be sure to wipe down the cubicle of the guy next to you-the one who bathes only on payday and has mold spores growing out of his coffee cup.




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The other day, as I was watching precious minutes of my life sprout wings and fly away while on hold with Big Company Customer Service, I began to wonder what would happen if our emergency services providers implemented an automated system to answer phone calls. Here's one possible scenario...

Thank you for calling 911, your one-stop home for emergency services. If you have a life-threatening medical emergency, please press 1. If your emergency is not currently life-threatening, but could become so in the next 15 to 20 seconds, please press 2. For all other emergencies, such as volcanic eruption, flood, or erectile dysfunction, please press 3.

Beep

You have selected a life-threatening medical emergency. Please select from the following options: If your emergency involves a severe loss of blood, press 1. If you are experiencing projectile vomiting, uncontrollable seizures, or a large discharge of oozing pus, please press 2. If you are clutching your chest while staggering around the room like Fred Sanford and shouting, "This is the big one! 'Lizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya, honey!" please press 3. For all other emergencies, please press 4.

Beep

You have selected a severe loss of blood. If this was caused by your own stupidity, such as attempting to sharpen the blade of your running lawnmower, please press 1. If it is the result of a domestic dispute, such as saying to your wife, "Honey, that new dress makes your butt look kind of big," please press 2. If it is caused by the bite of a rabid, carnivorous mammal such as a pit bull, raccoon, or Sean Hannity, please press 3. For all other causes, please press 4.

Beep

You have selected, "your own stupidity." Because of your pea-sized brain, we can only assume that you are unfamiliar with even the most rudimentary first-aid methods, and are losing blood at an alarming rate. If you are still conscious, please press 1. If you have drifted into La-La land, please stay on the line, and one of our Customer Care-Less Representatives will assist you shortly.

Beep Beep Beeeeeep!!

You have emphatically selected option 1. Please stay on the line, and one our Customer Care-Less Representatives will assist you shortly. In the interim, enjoy the Muzak version of Bryan Adams' "Cuts Like a Knife."

Thank you for patience for the last 22 minutes. Due to our heavy call volume, all of our Customer Care-Less Representatives are currently not helping other customers. Your call is very important to us. While you are waiting, we suggest that you apply direct pressure to the wounded area, and if necessary, use your belt as a tourniquet...

Thank you for waiting for an additional 34 minutes. By now, we can only assume your are in a severely weakened state and your time is running out. If you are Catholic and wish to receive the Sacrament of the Infirm, also known as "Last Rites," please press 1 and Father Dudley, our recently paroled in-house priest, will assist you shortly. For all other denominations, please press 2 for the daily recording of "Dial-a-Prayer." If you are not a member of any organized religion, please press 3 and the Prince of Darkness will be with you to take your reservation.

Be...

You have selected option 1, for Last Rites. Unfortunately, Father Dudley is currently meeting with his parole officer and is unavailable. Please stay on the line, and you will be transferred to his voice mail. If you wish to speak to a Customer Care-Less representative,



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My local cable company recently started carrying the Golf Channel. I can only assume this is because it couldn't afford more stimulating programming, like the Knitting Network or Drying Paint Television.

I just don't understand why anybody would waste valuable tube time watching "athletes" wearing clown pants chase a little white ball around an oversized pool table. Maybe if they stocked the water hazards with live piranhas and made the golfers dive in to retrieve their errant tee shots, I'd think about tuning in.

I find it much more productive to spend a Sunday afternoon sprawled across my La-Z-Boy to watch football while drinking beer and belching the theme song to The Brady Bunch.

But there is a way to make televised golf at least as exciting as the latest episode of Masterpiece Theater. Instead of the PGA or the U. S. Open, all the networks have to do is broadcast a typical hackers' Saturday morning excursion to the links.

I'm talking about those weekend duffers who bring golf to a whole new level by playing with a reckless abandon typically seen in the NFL, NHL, or during the daily rush hour commute. I'm not sure if this is due to a heartfelt passion for the game or the two cases of Budweiser that are consumed during the round.

I can imagine what those normally staid golf broadcasters would be saying if they were to call one of these Fearsome Foursome's rounds. Here are some possible excerpts from a telecast, with golf legends Bogey Vance and Hook Driver providing the commentary:

Hole 2

Bogey: Well Hook, it looks like Jackson just popped open his fifth beer, and we're only on the second hole.

Hook: That's right Bogey, I'm not sure how he does it. He's putting those Budweisers away like he's John Goodman at a buffet table. I wonder if he'll be able to finish the round.

Hole 6

Bogey: Jackson just sliced his tee shot into the woods for the fifth consecutive hole-a new course record!

Hook: What an amazing round! Jackson is well on his way to topping his worst score ever. Wait-what's he doing there in the woods? Is he getting out his wedge?

Bogey: No Hook, I think he's getting out his...Oh my God! I can't believe what he's doing to that tree! Oh, the humanity!... Um, we'll be right back after this word from TeePees-the only adult diaper specifically designed for golfers. Remember-the worse you play, the more you need TeePees-the diaper of champions.

Hole 14

Hook: It looks like Greely has taken over driving the cart from Jackson-he just didn't have it today.

Bogey: That's right Hook. I saw this coming back on the eleventh hole when Jackson drove the cart into the gallery. Boy, that crowd sure did part in a hurry. It was like Moses at the Red Sea.

Hook: Oh no-Peterson just threw his club in frustration for the sixth time today. Look out! It's headed straight for us! You better---(THUD!)

Bogey: We'll be right back after a word from ClubHead-the only pain reliever specifically made for golfers....MEDIC!

Hole 18

Bogey: After 12 hours, we're down to the final hole, with only two golfers-and one announcer-still left standing. Dusk is setting in, and the round is mercifully about to conclude.

Wait-don't look now, but it looks like Jackson is coming to, and...what's he doing? He's trying to drive the cart again! He's headed straight for the water...he's in the water! I sure hope they can get him out in time--those piranhas look hungry.



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