Denver officials deny being reactionary after a new law was pushed through in record time. Less than twenty four hours after the President's dog, Barney Bush, bit Reuter's reporter Jon Decker the city of Denver, Colorado has outlawed Scottish Terriers, banning them from living within city limits.

"I saw it on Fox News, so it must be true!" said Denver Councilman Jethro Noscience (R). He went on to add, "That video is shocking. It is unequivocal evidence that Scotties are vicious menaces to society and should be ripped away from their families and killed." Scottie Specific Legislation was passed for the safety of the city's citizens. Denver's citizens themselves are to bewildered to be interviewed.

In passing this legislation Denver officials did not want to leave any dog unturned. As a preemptive move West Highland terriers and Cairn terriers were also added to the city's ever-growing Kill List. In addition, any cross or mix of these breeds must also be euthanized within two hours of conception.

When asked how Animal Control Officers (ACOs) would identify mixed breed terriers Top Critter Cop Jennifer Killemall said, "Well obviously if a dog weight less than 35 lbs and has bad hair they are a terrier. Da sh*t!" It should be noted, Killemall has recently been nominated to serve on the Diplomatic Corp.

Almost as soon as the ridged genetic science of "bad hair" was announced lines formed around the block outside many of the city's best dog grooming facilities. Bichon Frises and Affenpinschers were lined up as far as the eye could see. Several visiting tourist from Florida mistakenly wandered into the lines, ultimately casting their vote for a Samoyed as President of the United States just by pressing several buttons on a dog dryer.

Meanwhile, when reporters inquired why Wheaton Terriers were not on the Kill List, Killemall said, "Everyone knows hypoallergenic dogs don't bite. She added, "We're not barbarians! We respect the rights of citizens who have allergies. Denver's four Asthmatic dog owners breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Despite this kind-hearted logic, the first seizure of a small pet dog left some people a tab bit perturbed. Cairn terrier owner Dorothy Oz said she had supported the Council when they voted to pass Breed Specific Legislation (BS) against pit bulls, but now that these laws suddenly affected her own family and life, it was cruel and senseless BS. "I didn't know that by giving away other people's rights, I was setting a dangerous precedent and putting my own rights at risk."

Initial raids did not go smoothly. Small dogs are like potato chips, no one have just one. ACOs were force to flee South Side Senior Care Facility when they were ascended upon by a frenzy of fuzzy critters. One Officer nearly had both legs severed in a well-coordinated and seemingly deliberate series of small bites and ardent leg-humping. It appears Jon Decker got off easy, so did the terriers.

On a related note, Band-Aid® stock plummeted today on word that other cities may be just as preposterous as Denver. This pushed once robust financial markets to the brink of collapse. Overall, however, health care investments are still considered a safe bet. Hospitals have reported no change in the number of Emergency Room admissions since any of Denver's breed bans were passed.

When compared to the number of children who murder their parents, general homicides, infanticide, car accidents, household falls and fatal falling coconut incidents, dog bite deaths don't even register on the radar. E.R. Doctor George Tyler noted that until the "Mile High City" bans reproduction, sex, driving, guns, cigarettes, alcohol, mountain bikes, skate boards, stilettos, butter, lawn mowing, aluminum based deodorants, spiders, rust, baths and Thai soup his hospitals doors will always remain open. Upon hearing this proclamation Denver City Council immediately scheduled more meetings designed to protect people from life. Watch for Proposition 666 coming to a ballot near you!

Meanwhile, at area shelters, Pit Bulls on death row are now being stacked up like Tupperware® in order to create space for all the old lady dogs being impounded. "If we can't start killing family pets faster this facility will be in deep dog dodo", announced newly hired Dog Pound Manager Mike Vick.

-END-

Undated: This just in! The last remaining dog in Denver has been seized by ACO officers. Shelby, a 16 year old, toothless, narcoleptic Old English sheepdog (or so they say) was torn away from his life-long family today. While out jogging, Denver's Mayor spotted Shelby through an open curtain and instantly determined that he was a Pit Bull / Westie cross. When asked if he was indeed a vicious dog, Shelby could not be awakened for comment.

All hail common sense!

Nola Lee Kelsey is the author of Dogs: Funny Side Up!, available everywhere fun books are sold. For a limited time only readers may receive a free Adobe ebook versions of 'Dogs: Funny Side Up!' by emailing FreeBooks@DogsEyeViewMedia.com


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It used to be that I saw others as Dumpster Divers or Divas. For example, when I realized that the jumbo pickle jars used in nursing homes made excellent starter goldfish bowls, my friend - and chair of our church council, Lorne - would make the occasional "reach" at one of the places his wife and he visited.

But a week ago last Saturday, I found myself at the planter dumpster at the local YIG pulling out treasures. Yes, you know those hanging white ten inch baskets. Someone had tossed four of them away. Imagine! And while I was stretching for them, I saw a couple of large fibre pots. A little worn, but this was a dumpster after all.

I wish I could tell you that my gathering was limited to very large glass jars and plant pots. (By the way, my name in Arabic means "gatherer".) But it also extends to vases or anything vaselike, teacups and unique mugs. The vases are for flowers I glean from an area florist (add flowers) and the cups for wee plants from an area greenhouse (add plants).

My saving grace in all of this is that none of these treasures are meant to end with me. The flowers and vases end up at area nursing homes - for folks who don't get a lot of visitors. The cups and plants will also find homes for lonely people. Everyone benefits - surplus is made beautiful (at least in my eyes) and given to deficit.

My family wouldn't mind if my rescue efforts were limited it to inanimate objects but I also save big old house cats that end up at the Greater Sudbury Animal Shelter. No, I'm not a crazy cat lady (yet). At times I may have as many cats as some of them, but these cats are merely resting at the Steven Hilton until I find them a new home.

Oh yeah, and I do goldfish rescue too. Right now I have in my care a large white goldfish that looks more like Moby Dick, than a Carassius auratus. And like his literary counterpart, he is blind in one eye. Most of my fish are on display in the waiting room of my part time job, but MD is so "unique" he scares the clients. So he happily swims about in my office with a "troubling" of liberated feeder fish.A friend of mine, who I'm certain sorts and alphabetizes her spices on a regular basis, assures me I am not a hoarder. Messy, yes. Eccentric, yes. Disposophobic, no. One crosses the line when one's collections "cause impairment to basic living activities."

But she hasn't seen my hubby's and my used (and new) book library. One spark and the fire department would have to call in the reservists.

However, my hubby had cut his "booking" back - he's practically on the wagon. Part of this may be due to his all-encompassing hobby - running Your Scrivener Press. Four times a year we have 500 to 1500 books delivered by transport and deposited in our garage, and from there into our house, and then hopefully into stores and new long-term loving homes. Hopefully...

You have heard the phrase, "You can't take it with you!" Amen to that!

Jan Carrie Steven, MA, RSW, is Chaplain, Volunteer, Counselor and Small Business Person.



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Thirty two brussel sprout plants!?" my husband exclaimed? "Thirty two!?" Context is important here. I am easily distracted, I cannot turn down a good deal, and I do not do math very well.

You see, I wanted to buy a zucchini plant - in memory of Aunt Margaret who yearly buried us in zucchinis. I forgot to buy one at my favorite greenhouse - Holla's - and so on the way home swung by the supermarket gardening tent. Well, they didn't have any zucchinis - but all the annuals were 50% off. I saw some brussel sprout plants and thought - eight at 65 cents - what a deal! I neglected to factor in that there were four in each unit.

But this was the least of my problems. Actually, my husband's problems. Holla's too was having a 50% off sale. I volunteer there on Friday mornings in order to learn some gardening tips. At the same time I am mentally writing my list of all the green things I want to buy this week. Popeye at a spinach shop, I am!

I filled up the entire car - front seat, back seat, and trunk - with perennials, annuals, tri-mix (cow poop, peat and rotted vegetation), and bark mulch. There was a really good deal on a tree too - I kid you not - but they'll hold it for next week because I'd need the van to bring it home.

After my brussels visit, I actually had a tray on my lap too. My hubby, Laurence, says, "You don't do things by halves, do you!?" And no, I don't. Anything worth doing is worth doing whole hog. If I agree to get married, it's for life. None of this half sentence stuff for me. If I'm going to have a cat, might as well become a crazy cat lady as well. If I'm going to have a goldfish, it's going to be in a 30 gallon tank with at least12 other kinds. And if I'm going to learn to garden, it's going to be with baskets, planters, full sun, no sun, annuals, perennials, eye-catching and edible.

Oh yes, and with a husband too. As much as he complains - "You won't let me shovel snow but you expect me to dig out four h-u-g-e garden beds down at least a foot!" - I think he's beginning to enjoy our Friday routine of emptying out the Chevy, digging holes, filling in the holes with plants, and watering them. But he did draw the line about the box of seed-potatoes I got at the supermarket gardening tent - 75% off!

Says he, "Think about it Jannie. Not only will you need to bring in a truckload of topsoil, you'll need to bring in an ambulance when I get a heart attack digging up 500 square feet of tarmac!" He exaggerates. But I am thinking about it. Hmmm. One of our boarders has left four tires on our front step where most of our planters are. According to one gardening website site, potatoes thrive in the warm environment of a soil filled tire! Four tires + two pounds of seed potatoes + good soil = 20-30 pounds of winter potatoes!

I get both revved up and tired - just turning it over in my head-gasket!

Jan Carrie Steven, MA, RSW, is Counselor, Mentor, Chaplain and Volunteer.

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