The philosopher Karl or Groucho Marx once (and maybe twice) said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." No one had any clue what he meant. Until now. Until me.

That's right - today I am about to broach the most controversial topic known to man (other than whether Clay Aiken's soon-to-be-born baby will be of a recognizable gender - or if it will take after him.) The controversial topic to which I refer is Religion, which somehow seems scarier when it is typed with all-caps in a vaguely Gothic font.

At the outset, or - since this is already the third paragraph - at the not-quite-so outset, I should (in the interests of full-disclosure) reveal that I myself am a practicing Shiite Baptist. We Shiites adhere to a Baptist doctrine called The Priesthood Of The Believer, which essentially states that you and I both have the right to reach different conclusions regarding religious matters, but that yours are wrong.

And this cuts straight to the heart of the nub of the matter. There is a basic design flaw in most of our religions. It is this: those of us who are most vocal about proclaiming that our God is the all-knowing and all-powerful King of All Creation (whereas your god is a 90-pound wienie), also believe that our God can't work His way through a single day without a little non-divine intervention from - you guessed it - us.

We - and by "we" I mean all of us: Muslims, Scientologists, Hare Krishnas, clean-shaven Krishnas, and Holy Rollers like me - have each concluded that God chose Us to be the instruments of His will. We are God's sniveling little hall monitors, and we think it is our job to tell the rest of the world to tuck their shirts in and get to class on time. Without our constant supervision of everyone else's morals, God - Master Designer, builder of everything from Jupiter to belly button lint, and a guy who can work Rubik's Cube in... like 2 seconds - would just take his universe and go home.

Logically - and yes, I realize that "logic" has no place in most people's discussion of religion - if we truly believe that God is in control, shouldn't we leave it to Him to sort out who will or won't get in to Heaven? I mean, has He actually asked any of us to help Him decide? (I volunteered, but haven't heard back from Him - yet.) And - if we haven't been invited to make those decisions, doesn't it stand to reason that God will be very ticked at us when we do? As fun as it is to condemn others to eternal torment in Hell, is it worth the Wrath of... (you know Whom)?

For reasons known only to Him, God made mosquitoes - and they are very good at what they do. Even the simplest of God's creatures - fruit flies, viruses, and car salesmen - are all equally adept at performing the tasks He assigned them. I propose that the rest of us just try our best to do those jobs we are actually qualified to do, and leave the business of being God to God.

Having "grown up" in the Midwest as a stand up comedian and now as president of "Clean Comedians Chicago", I know that clean comedians in the Chicago area are a rare commodity these days. However, with the overkill of provocative comedy on cable television, they are making a comeback. Clean comedians in Chicago are ahead of the game.

I first took the stage in the mid-70's when television's comedy heroes were just beginning to change. While my parents still laughed at the one-liners of Bob Hope and the gimmicks of Red Skelton, a new generation was forming that would follow in the footsteps of Lenny Bruce and George Carlton. Material was becoming more risqué and very edgy.

With the advent of a few cable television channels, boundaries widened. Comedy material that had been "bleeped" by major networks was gradually becoming accepted. While the likes of Joan Rivers and words like "pregnant" had once raised eyebrows, the rants and raves of Sam Kinison made such references pale in comparison. America wanted to hear the straight talk. Offensive language and material was the new kick.

Welcome satellite TV and everything in between. Hundreds of channels and no specific guidelines for taste or tack cause the "tell-it-like-it-is" factor to spiral out of control. Every physical body part is explored and fair game for joking. The crowd goes wild as baby boomers are no longer silenced by the censor of the mom and dad generation. Who could have predicted after years of honing comedy material for the CBS, NBC and ABC talk shows that absolutely anything could be said or written for television? The baby boomers spilled their guts and ranted and raved. The uninspired became just plain foul.

The audience grew tired of it and even disgusted. Where's the genius in over-using the four-letter word?

And the tide takes a turn.

Clean comedy is back. No longer thrilled by shock value, a new generation sees the value in the inspired observation. There is an awe in watching a clean comic work and get laughs. Like an injured warrior taking his first step without crutches, there is bit of heroism in clean comedy. Audiences like the fact that they are treated as intelligent human beings who "get it". Clean comedy is the new "hip" because it offers a fresh approach to funny as life and all of its joys, pains and pitfalls are turned inside out.

Clean comedians in Chicago are making a comeback along with the rest of the nation. This really is a time for change when we re-examine our values and find joy in clean and intelligent humor.

We get down and funky with award-winning comedian, Lawrence Leung, from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. He's successfully made the complex topic of science an enjoyable and entertaining experience by incorporating break-dancing and quirky experiments in his live acts. So what really goes on inside the mind of an 'Albert Einstein-cum-Eddie Murphy' type of person? Lawrence takes us on his intimate journey.

Interviewer: What were you like as a child growing up?

Lawrence: I remember being a curious child. I wanted to know how things worked so took apart telephones and clocks. Sometimes they didn't work again so I got into trouble. I used to climb trees just to see the view from the top. The crown of a tree is the most inspiring place for daydreaming. It's also a good place to throw nuts at the neighbour's kids.

Interviewer: When did your interest in comedy/entertainment start for you and did you complete any training/study for it?

Lawrence: I knew I always enjoyed making people laugh when I was a kid. My fellow students thought I had a knack for slapstick comedy but really I was clumsy. I still am. I exploited that physical comedy in a lot of Theartesports competitions shows in high school. I guess my "training" in comedy was during my uni years with a comedy troupe called The Improbables. We were a handful of friends who performed improvised sitcoms and movies at theatres, pubs and comedy festivals. Some of us (Andrew McClelland, Christina Adams, Nick Caddaye and Yianni Agisilaou) went on to become successful stand up comedians both here and in the UK.

Interviewer: Were your family supportive?

Lawrence: They had a bit of difficulty understanding what I was doing. Stand up is not a regular career path with role models that my parents had heard of or liked. My parents want me to have a job with financial security, but that's difficult in the arts. I was stubborn and stuck to what I believed I was good at, practised my skills in pubs, stages and festivals and eventually the job opportunities (writing for TV/film, radio presenting and live touring) came. My parents have now calmed down a lot.

Interviewer: Are you a born and bred comedian or have you picked it up along the way or is it a combination of the two?

Lawrence: Definitely a combination. I think it helps to have both an innate "comic sense" and also to experiment with your comedy in different situations and audiences.

Interviewer: Where does your passion lie as you have a vast array of talents (comedian, director, radio host, filmmaker, writer)?

Lawrence: I get restless and bored very easily. All of my favourite jobs have been ones in which involve creativity. But because I get bored easily I want to have a go at being creative at as many different mediums as possible.

Interviewer: Describe your first stand-up routine? How was it? Were you nervous and how did you overcome that? What age were you?

Lawrence: I used to be scared before every gig. I was 22 when I did my first stand up routine. It was at a weekly open mic night called the "King Of The Ring". The tiny audience was a made up of nervous first timers and their drunken friends. The MC announced my name incorrectly ("Please welcome to the stage, Lance Long!") so I wasn't ready. I realised too late that he meant me, and ran towards the stage during the uncomfortable silence that results when an audience has used up all their welcome-applause. I tripped on the step leading up to the microphone and fell onto the stage. That gained me my first laugh. I hadn't even told a joke yet and I got a laugh which made me lose my nervousness. I won the open mic competition and received a bottle of cheap wine and a 'support spot' that Saturday night to do the whole thing again in front of a larger drunken crowd. I still get nervous before a gig, but as soon as the first laugh comes it's always ok.

Interviewer: Was performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival on the agenda early on in your career?

Lawrence: When I was in high school, the only thing I saw at the Melbourne Comedy Festival every year was the Raw Comedy grand final. It's a stand up comedy competition, with finalists culled from hundreds of wannabe comedians from all around Australia. I used to imagine standing on that stage at the Melbourne Town Hall. I was so inspired, I thought up jokes and routines and scribbled in exercise books. A couple of years later at uni, my friends from The Improbables sent in my Raw Comedy application form because I was too nervous to enter. A few months later, on stage at the Melbourne Town Hall, I was lucky enough to come runner-up. There was never a plan to get into the Comedy Festival because I didn't think joke-telling was a career. It was a hobby or passion that evolved quite by accident into something more.

Interviewer: How was it performing your first solo show as opposed to doing stand-up comedy?

Lawrence: My first solo show was very different from my short stand up spots at a club. The main difference is of pace and rhythm. Stand up in a club environment tends to be for durations of 5, 10 or 20min spots with many "bang-bang-bang" punch-lines in order to compete against the attention-sapping effects of alcohol and the soul-sapping effects of pokies. Solo shows (usually 60min) let stand ups take their time, create an intimate relationship with the crowd and perhaps address concepts and themes that may take longer to explain. Sometimes I like to tell long stories that may not have many laughs until the final pay-off. The downside is that if the audience doesn't like the comic, they'll have to work especially hard to make the room feel less like an hour-long hostage situation.

Interviewer: With Sucker not only did you put yourself on the line as a performer but as a writer also, was it very daunting?

Lawrence: Unlike actors who mostly interpret other people's scripts, stand up comedians (as opposed to film/TV comedians with writing teams) write their own material. So whether, it's a full-length solo show or a 5min spot, it's extremely daunting to expose oneself on stage. Sucker was my first solo show and it was very daunting because of the research and amount of writing I had to do. I had a wonderful and clever director named Clare Watson who gave me the confidence I needed and had the brutal honesty to tell me what was working and what wasn't.

Interviewer: When and where did your interest in breakdancing develop?

Lawrence: I wanted to be cooler than my older brother Dennis who has always been hipper than me my whole life. He played bass guitar in bands and has a a badasss goatee. So I decided to learn to breakdance and write my latest show about this silly search for coolness. It's called "Lawrence Leung Learns to Breakdance". I'm performing it again at the Sydney Opera House from April 15-26. Come along.

Interviewer: Have you felt many 'ouch' moments (I confess to growing up in that era and giving it a go; fun but very tiring!)?

Lawrence: Every time I perform the show there are "ouch" moments.

Interviewer: Without talking to you and only developing my questions from your bio, you come across as a highly intelligent person successfully mixing comedy with fact; what is your I.Q.?

Lawrence: I have no idea what my IQ is but it is probably higher than a shark's but less than a dolphin.

Interviewer: How did you get involved with the "Chasers" team?

Lawrence: I first met them when they were acting as professional corporate raiders driving in a silver Lotus on Hollywood Boulevard. They got lost and asked me for directions which I thought was solicitation for writing contributions. From that initial flirtatious misinterpretation, a fairy-tale world of polo games and diamond necklaces and... no wait, that's Pretty Woman. Over the last few years, members of The Chaser have been coming along to my Comedy Festival shows. My shows often feature social experiments and pranks and so they asked me to write for their War On Everything show.

Interviewer: Who are some comedians that you admire and inspire you?

Lawrence: I really admire Andrew Denton, a guy who's done everything: live shows, radio broadcasting, TV presenting and producing. I also quite admire Daniel Kitson, Josie Long, Frank Woodley and Tony Martin. These people do top quality work, have unique voices, operate with little regard to commercial compromises and who have absolutely no interest in stardom.

Fade in:

A podium is placed center stage. Bob, a very low key man in his thirties, is standing, apparently naked, behind the podium.

Bob

Good afternoon and welcome to the newcomers Orientation here at Sunnyvale Recreation and Clothing Optional Club. I'm your Recreational Chairman, Bob Chambers. First of all, it's nice to see so many of you getting into the spirit of things. Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the Naugahyde chairs...They are a little cold at first, and it may seem like you left part of your skin when you get up, but, you didn't. We are experimenting with the Naugahyde chairs, since the removal of the webbed fabric chairs we had before. People were complaining about the criss-cross marks left on their bodies and after waking up from their afternoon naps, they would find that some prankster had been playing tic-tac-toe on the backs of their thighs. So, we've opted for the Naughahyde, which, since so many of you are without clothing, may notice certain noises when you shift in your chairs. Please don't feel embarrassed. It might even come as a saving grace for those of us who had the broccoli quiche at lunch.

(adjusting his glasses)

We here at Sunnyvale believe that our bodies came into this life free of clothing, our minds free of guilt and out souls free in spirit. However, registration is still four hundred dollars.

(laughs)

For those of you who have never been to a clothing optional resort before, our bashful newcomers will notice that there are evergreens strategically located around the grounds. Different heights, depending on how bashful you really are. But, keep in mind our motto, "You've Got to Come out Sometime."

(laughs again)

We have a wide variety of facilities, here at Sunnyvale. Including, an Olympic sized swimming pool, which is always kept at a comfortable eighty-two degrees. I would like to apologize for the prankster who thought it might be funny to lower it to forty-eight. The only ones who did complain were the men, but after getting out of the pool, let's just say we could divide the men from the boys.

(laughs)

We also have a world class Jacuzzi going at all times. Once again, a saving grace for the broccoli quiche crowd. We also have a Championship eighteen hole golf course, here at Sunnyvale. In fact, Saturday, we invite you to sign up for our "I Got A Hole In One Open." This is a tournament where "in the rough"has a completely different meaning.

(smiles)

Incidentally, around here, the correct response to hitting a ball that looks like it may be heading towards a group of unsuspecting people is "fore" not "heads up." One of the events we had to cancel was the "Men's And Women's Mixed Relay Races." I know there were some rumors that we canceled the games because we lost four batons during the last race. However, truth be known, we want to avoid any more injuries, like the one suffered by Mr. Pinsky, when there was some confusion during the handoff to Mrs. Waller and she dragged him halfway around the track, before realizing her mistake.(clearing his throat)

For you body art lovers, we have a tattoo artist on board. You ladies will be glad to know that Waldo is offering a special this week of an arrow on your chest, pointing sideways, and the phrase, "I'm with stupid" tattooed underneath.

(getting serious)

Although this is a clothing optional resort, there is one time that we insist you wear clothing and that is at meal time. This rule went into effect last year after Mrs. Carlo Silvestri was seriously injured while reaching across our hot buffet table and burned herself on a pan of steamed kielbasa.

(smiling again)

Our annual dance will be held in the main ballroom this Saturday night. This year's theme will be, "Getting To Know You...Even Better...If That's At All Possible."

(removing his glasses)

Now, if there are any questions, I'll try to answer them. Just raise your hand. Uh, Mr. Gillespie, I said your hand. Yes, Mr. Gillespie...where, where are you supposed to keep your money?...Good question, Mr. Gillespie. Uh, this is where exact change comes into play. Rule of thumb here is never bring more than you're willing to spend. Anyone else?

(big smile)

Yes, this very attractive and shapely woman right here. Not you, Mr. Gillespie. Yes, you Miss, uh, Thomas...Miss Thomas...Is it unusual for men to stare at you for an abnormal amount of time?

(staring and snapping out of it)

Oh, sorry. Well, let me say this, Miss Thomas, the truth of the matter is, we are all naked here and medical research has proven that the average man thinks about sex, at least, ten times an hour. And, I must admit, Miss Thomas, that I, myself, just used up about two years worth. But, you'll get used to it. Now, if there are no further questions, enjoy your stay at Sunnyvale and remember, "It's not polite to point, but it's even less polite to point and laugh." Thank you.

Fade out.

The End

Texas humor is something that can make you look at the brighter side, more than anything else. The sense of humor Texas have is entirely its own. While it amuses everybody, it is something that can be used to one's advantage rather than just laughing about it.

American sarcasm is the other name of humor in Texas. It can be considered as sarcasm, but if people just try to see the things the way Texans see them, then coping with life's most difficult moments becomes a little easier. Humor is a manifestation of Texan's big optimism. This is the main thing that very evident in the stories and anecdotes everyone laughs about.

You can tell a Texan apart from others with his actions. If a Texan stumbles on his feet, he would laugh it off. Even the most unfortunate events like drought, famine, and natural calamities are taken lightly. They can withstand these things with the simplest humor living inside these people. Now if it were for others, instances like these would make them pessimists. Not Texans. Texas humor makes them the optimists that they really are. They simply won't let remorse and misery take over.

If people from other races are pessimistic even in the midst of success, Texas humor allows Texans to stay optimistic even in starvation. Texans are known to just brush off misfortunes with a wave of their hand and their humor.

This is the positive attitude exuding out of humor. And it is worth emulating. Through it, Texans were able to endure fatigue, drought, and other disasters. Texans can survive life's biggest turmoil. They can joke about bad luck, regardless if it had just struck them in the face leaving them with nothing to start with after.

Spice your life with the same Texas humor. With it, you will never live in misery ever again. Texans love life, no matter what it brings. They have a mindset that takes them apart from everything else. Don't ever think that Texas is an entirely different country, just like the humor indicates. It is a place where people live life to the fullest and not in a state of confusion that everybody seems to like.

Texas humor can be an attitude - an attitude worth adapting in your daily lives. It's not all sarcasm. With it, you can see everything in the right perspective. You will start to live positively, making you life much better than it was before.

Texas is popular for a lot of things. But of the many things that are famous there, humor tops the pack. Texas is a very big state. And the people from there pride themselves with all things big. Big myths, tales, and natural phenomenon distinct to Texas are revered, including hails and armadillos.

Texans are big in their pride too. They might seem a little different from the people hailing from other states. But they have the same American dream like the rest. Many say that visiting Texas is much like visiting a different country. Texas humor makes people think that way.

Social consciousness is the major factor to humor. Texans think of a certain idea in its absolute form. Nobody questions it why, when, or how anymore. It's just is. This probably is the reason why people think They are different from the rest of the Americans. And that it is hard to believe that Texas is part of it. There's one advantage to that thinking. Texans act in unison because of it.

On the surface, humor is something that people don't have to be serious about. More than laughing about it, you should instead consider it well. There maybe a lot of things people find amusing happening in and around the state. But the people don't think there's anything funny about it, their city, or themselves at all. The humor books are not always accurate, although there is some air of truth in the stories too.

It is not hard to appreciate Texas humor. Just understand the lifestyle, the way of living, and the culture of a Texan and you're all set. The moment you are used to their lifestyle, it is not hard to wonder why people act and think the way they do.

A good example of humor is the way people there spend their Sunday afternoon. The people love watching TV shows that they would rather stay home and sit on the couch than do anything else outside. It may be an old way of entertainment, but that doesn't make Texas a backward country and all that, as implied in Texas humor books.

People in Texas may speak with an accent. And that has become the butt of jokes and humor. Is it going to be different if they accept they have an accent or just speak and talk differently? Let Texas humor be your guide.

The state capital of Texas is Austin. It is the home of true-blooded Texans swearing loyalty to their state. But more than anything, it is the source of many Texas humor stories. Texans regard Austin as part of Texas but it was never the whole of it. Feeling and living Austin is not the same as living and feeling Texas.

That fact exists because Texans hate it when the people of Austin are compared to those from Houston or San Antonio. Each of the cities in Texas has their own identity, ways, and in a way, humor. While people from other states and nation regard all Texans as one and the same, they are really different from each other. Austin hates to be compared to Houston and vice versa. But when it comes to defending their state, they all work in unison. Don't ever try to manipulate, alter, or insult a Texan. Because at that point, it will not matter where that Texan you mistreated came from. Everybody from Texas will simply come and get you. That's Texas humor working at its best.

Another major source of Texas humor is their weather. In Texas, June, July, and August are the hottest months. The temperature outside will be more than 100 degrees Fahrenheit. That's normal and Texans are used to the heat. But they aren't used to people complaining about it. It won't matter if you're from a snow infested city. For as long as you are in Texas, you are required to love the heat. Or at least pretend about liking it.

Driving, traffic, and the road rules also play a good part in Texas humor stories. If you want to drive while in Austin, you have to know that the traffic laws there are peculiar in a sense. The drivers tend to stop at unlikely instances and drive on by when they are supposed to stop. They would stop by at somebody's roadside accident to poke around and the rain when it falls. But they would not dare to stop if the traffic light just turned red or when somebody tries crossing the street. Don't use a turn signal while driving in Austin as well. Back there, turn signals are distracting. You are not supposed to use that light when turning. You are, however, supposed to pray that nobody would bump you on the blind side as you head for the curve. Parking is almost prohibited in Austin. If you do, your car will be towed. Amusing Texas humor, isn't it?

The fifth biggest state of the U.S is Dallas, a city in Texas. And there has never been a doubt about Texans loving their cities. They tend to be protective of who they are and what they have for all it's worth. The reverence of Texans to their hometown became the source of Texas humor. The accent that Texans have but fail to recognize don't make the situation better. While it's true that Texans speak the English language, it seems that you have to learn Spanish to understand it fully.

The traffic in Texas is and always has been a major Texas humor. Traffic has always been a problem in Dallas, as well as in all other major cities of Texas. Rush hours happen during the mornings and the afternoons, each lasting for 4 hours - except Fridays. When it's Friday, the rush hour lasts for 24 hours. So never think of going out in a trailer during Friday, unless of course, you have come prepared with things to while the time away. It is best that you don't drive. If you're not from Texas, you might need to unlearn all the traffic signs and laws you know. In Texas, everything is different. Even the road signs can't tell you where you are.

Traveling across town during rush hour entitles you to four hour's worth of scenic drive. It is like going to a cross-country escapade where you should pack your lunch and eat on the road. And to entertain yourself, you can use the scenes around you. Texans have their own special way to keep you entertained.

Look out of your window and you will see peculiar faces. The people on the sidewalk are live, breathing Texas humor, if you can say it that way. It is but common to see an old lady with blue hair. The teacher at a Sunday school has tattoos and a heavy black makeup. And the man that looked like a tramp with his dreadlocks is the millionaire driving a new, shiny Royce.

If you are caught in the Dallas traffic, you can try your luck in the different roads around the city. At the North Tollway, you can be a race car driver. It is the local version of the Nascar circuit there. If you're at the North Tollway, you have to run more than 80 mph. Any slower would merit you a bump on the rear. Don't stop on a yellow light either. It's okay to beat the red light for as long as it is still 5 seconds old. At the North Tollway, the general traffic rule is to hold on, step on the gas, and pray hard. Texas humor at its best, isn't it?

There are a lot of things people find amusing while in Texas. And they are all part of the humor that dominates the state. Needless to say, Texas is a very adventurous place to visit. Texas humor would teach you to be prepared to a whole new challenge.

Everyone requires a little bit of humor to spice up life. Life without humor is dull and worthless. A good dose of Texas humor is everything you need to make life's idiosyncrasies and challenges trivial and unmoving. Here are perfect examples of Texas humor that could put a smile or two on your lips.

1. Texas farmers harvest freshly boiled potatoes. The weather is so hot the potatoes cook right in the soil!
2. Women in Texas attend formal dinners wearing their finest jewelry, sleek nightgown, and a pair of leather cowboy boots.
3. Texas humor says Texans don't speak in accents. You just can't understand the Texan language.
4. It is only during winter that Texans get to use their air conditioning system. It's because during summertime, the sun is so hot no amount of cooling can make it go away.
5. In Texas summers are so hot and dry that trees beg dogs for a pee.
6. Taxidermy is Texas' most honorable profession.
7. Deer meat is the staple food in Texas. Give it a cook and he can make more than 10 meals with it.
8. It is okay to shoot a Texan who says he is vegetarian with a straight face.
9. Texas follows an entirely different set of traffic rules. You need to unlearn everything you know.
10. Texas humor says that Texas is an entirely different country. Not true. Going to Texas doesn't require a visa. A vision is more like it.
11. Drink beer in Texas bars covering the bottle's label with your fingers. Failure to do so means trouble because you're not being polite.
12. TV is the best form of entertainment in Texas. Nobody would dare miss Saturday Night Live on TV.
13. Church is the normal destination during Sunday mornings. Only in Texas you can see a pastor wearing a pair of boots while giving a sermon.
14. If you like to ask something to a Texan, make sure your question ends in a proposition or you won't get an answer.
15. To drive in Texas in July, you have to start learning how to use the steering wheel with only two fingers. The weather is so hot you can't hold the entire steering wheel even if your life depends on it.
16. To understand Texan English, you need learn the Spanish language first.

Texas humor will always be a reminder to everyone that the people in Texas have a fun-loving nature. The funny statements appearing in here are compiled without the intention of offending the Texans. They are here to serve as a jolt in an otherwise lonely day.

Movie sequels are always being made and, let's face it, with only a few exceptions, like "The Godfather II" and "Star Wars - The Empire Strikes Back", they are not as good as the original. (Or, do I have to invite you over to my house to watch "Cannonball Run 3?")

In addition to sequels, Hollywood is also under the impression that we want to see old television shows brought to the big screen. (I can't wait to see "Moesha" in my neighborhood theater.)

But getting back to sequels, now they are waiting years, even decades, before making the sequel, like the latest Rocky, Rambo and Indiana Jones adventures. Sometimes waiting too long to produce a sequel could only prove disastrous results. That is why, as the self appointed ambassador of Good Entertainment, I've come up with a list of movies, I think we all would like to avoid. I mean, would you honestly shell out your hard earned money to see:

1. "Sex and the City - Senior Citizen Style" (How's that for alliteration?) The girls all meet for Cosmopolitans and discuss ED, who Samantha thinks is the hot, new box boy at the neighborhood D'Agostinos.

2. "Indiana Jones and the Secret Black Hole" - Indie goes for a prostate exam.

3. "High School Musical 17" - Songs include: "The Way You Do The Things You Do With Colace" and "Assisted Living In The City."

4. "Rocky XX" - Rocky's latest fight is with filling out the forms for Medicare Part 6.

5. "Friends Reunion" - Ross, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe all agree to meet at Central Perk to reminisce, but only two remember where it is.

6. "Get Smart, Again" - Max realizes that 99 is really her age.

7. "Rambo XIII" - Rambo battles revolutionaries, insurgents and peeing three times a night.

8. "Charlie's Angels - 30 Years Later" - Our three heroines have a fight, at a local K-Mart, over the last pair of "Granny" panties.

9. "Star Trek CMXCVII" - William Shatner returns as Captain Kirk, commander of the Enterprise, as he passes Mars, Jupiter and a kidney stone.

10. "Harry Potter and the Final Adventure in Vardenafil" -

Harry gets angry, while visiting the Social Security Office and can't find a handicapped parking space for his flying broom.

So, there you have it; definitely ten movies that should not be made. The really scary thing is that there is a rumor someone is planning on making "Ishtar 2." You've been warned.

My mother-in-law is driving me absolutely crazy. She is continuing to tell me it is okay to come to town when >>>I have a major major back problem, >>>Geraldine is having a gallbladder attack and >>>my house is completely upside-down from a flood and so she thinks it is plausible that she and her two daughters can come to town to help, even after I plead they do not.

>>> "I just got a letter from her and I refuse to read it to the finish."

Who really needs to spend ten minutes devouring the musings of a pity pot? This woman remembers everything that has gone wrong in her life, how she arrived expediently on the scene to straighten everyone out, according to her beliefs and must, ALWAYS MUST, noooooo, NEEDS TO, for the betterment of mankind, prevail upon others that she has wisdom far beyond anything we will ever have in life. She is here on bended knee to our God above and, even better, her divine spirit has a direct line to God. Therefore she is answering God's calling by showing up when she is told she isn't wanted.

In others words, "Give up lame daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law is right and you are sadly wrong, once again."

NO THANKS AND WHAT ABOUT All OF THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I WANT to be alone when I have to deal with everything and I don't appreciate your trying to override my objections.

Get a grip all of you women, the mothers of our dear husbands, some of us don't want guests when we are overwhelmed and especially don't appreciate these pressures from in-laws who think they can prevail over our wishes and thereby make the impossible happen. That is, of course, the happy ending due to your uninvited presence, just by your mere mystical appearance, over the top of our objections, trying to obliterate our feelings and driving a wedge between us and our sweetums if you don't get your way.

Don't you know guests are WORK? Give me my peace when I ask for it!!!

Get a CLUE, not everyone wants extra persons around when life is jumping here and there. STAY AWAY. What part of that don't you all understand?

Take it or leave it. This is the daughter-in-law's home and she is trying to give it everything she can to make it work. When we want your help, we'll let you know.

Otherwise we just want to generate our own energy and make things happen in a nice smooth way like we always have and we don't need your extra help unless we ask for it. So don't try and pressure us with amazing efforts from family who are not exactly in our rhythm or a part of our neighborhood. More importantly, don't think the same about much of anything.

Let us be and that's that. You don't get to override our wishes.

Until then, we really don't care about your circumstances. That airplane ticket is good for a year, so take a rain check and accept that you are not needed for this particular crisis, well for any other either, "OH please!"

We have to deal with my own feelings and get things right here purring once again and until then we don't need your extra help. When things are right we'll let everyone know but until then please respect that this is our house and not the town hall.

Find your place and accept it. And stop sending us these lectures about how you have certain privileges that you don't. This is our home and we choose who are our guests, when we want guests and not a minute sooner. We'll invite everyone as time and circumstances allow but these invitations won't be because some person in our nest thinks they have the right to see us, when they please, for whatever riveting reason and no matter what our circumstances are in life.

Sorry to sound so cross, to all of you mother-in-laws, but I must.

Your Dutiful Daughter-in-Law

Did you know that January 16th is International Nothing Day? And 21st January is Squirrel Appreciation Day? And January 26th is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Check here for a few more crazy holidays. The bubble wrap day I'll honour. I love bubble wrap. I don't actually go out and buy it but if it lands in my hands by chance, for some strange reason I leave no bubble unburst.

Now how about we have an International Slap Your Workmate Day. Not that people don't already trade slaps in offices and boardrooms. The purpose of making a day for it is to ensure amnesty against any assault cases resulting from the slaps that will be traded. No court cases so people will be free to exercise their palms to the possible maximum. You may only slap one workmate though and any slaps outside the said day are liable for prosecution.

Here in the office I have a very good idea who I'm going to slap when that day is finally passed into law. I'm not playing the holy card here. I'm not by any chance that bespectacled geek in the corner office who thinks their workmates are cheap. I do participate in office banter a lot but sometimes I just want to shut up and work. Ok Shut up and blog. I have two candidates for the slap but Bonge wins my palms hands down.

Ours is an open plan office and our work is such that different departments are busy on different days. My candidate is an Information Technology geek. What do IT guys actually do on a day to day basis? When all computers are working perfectly and the networks are fixed to perfection? They browse and chat that's what. I mean, how many times can you fix a network or service them hard discs?

This one of ours here traverses the internet morning to evening and comes up with all sorts of weird subjects all of which he's generous enough to share. It is when you're trying to crack that mystery of some missing papers that you worked on just the other day that he'll tell you about the ASCII CODE and the philosophy behind it. If you're not interested in that, then surely you want to hear about how a volcano comes to be? How the juices boil in the belly of the earth until them tectonic plates can hold no more? How about the Ritcher scale, that one of earthquakes? The law of thermodynamics? The quantum theory? The benzing ring in chemistry and how tricarboxylates react with enamines. That's the kind of talk he puts us through. His new craze of late is the prices of oil per barrel and he actually spends time doing some imaginary oil trade on the net! Oh Come on Bonge! How about we discuss Jennifer Lopez twin babies today?

As a plus for him, he's very well versed in just about any topic in the world. If you really need to know something then he's the guy to ask.

This article is posted with full blessings from dear Bonge. Noisemaking notwithstanding, he's a very sweet guy to work with. And it never hurts anyone to be in the good books of the IT guy does it? His next project? You guessed right - he's gonna be a writer/blogger. And he won't just be writing short articles like one Shiko. He swears he'll come up with an online novel in a few short months.

We've had our ups and downs,This we both know,Through it all our love Still managed to grow
Different thoughts we had About many things,But our love for each other,Had no attached strings.Happy Anniversary

i wish u de best anniversary a man could wish his wife.my love throughout the years we've had our ups& downs but we stood by each other no matter what happened we maintained this love so on our anniversary of 2years i just wanna say this "thank u &i'll alwayz love you for what you've done for me"u were &still r my light and shine in my world ngi'asixenga ngawe(zulu for i'm proud of you love keep it up).remember this when things get rough and tough"i love you" ---

I LOVE U are words just three,which mean so much on our ANNIVERSARY.so this is what i want to say,live in my heart n there 4 ever stay!By Meg

Marriage is that relation between man and women in which tha Independence is Equal,the Dependence mutual and tha Obligation Reciprocal". Best wishes for Happy Wedding Anniversary.

There's a well-known saying that goes, "Wherever you go, there you are." It's a good saying except for one thing: It's just not true!! (I'd like to apologize for the two exclamation points. Yes, they're fun, but sometimes you can overuse fun things and all of a sudden they're not fun anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I could go back in time, or if I knew how to use the backspace key on my computer, I would eliminate one of the exclamation points. Sorry.) The reason the saying is false is that when our minds are deprived of stimulation they tend to wander. So, yes, you may have gone someplace, but you're not really there at all. You're somewhere else entirely, probably trying to remember the words to the Armour Hot Dogs song.

Now, the type of stimulation the brain needs is not something like being tickled with a feather. The mind is too mature to be amused by that (not so the insides of your knees, which are always up for being tickled). The mind craves interesting conversation. Which brings us back to the party and Ka-thy.

Kathy, it turns out, is a bore, which I'm guessing is why you forgot her name in the first place. She's been talking at you for a long time about this and that and you've just drifted off: "... fat kids, skinny kids, even kids with chicken pox love hot dogs..." You're kind of aware of her mouth moving, but you have no idea what she's saying. Then you hear the words "inhaling mold spores" and, like that-you're back. You have no idea what the subject of the conversation is, and Kathy has just stopped talk-mg. She's staring at you (or slightly to the right of you because of her lazy eye), expecting you to say something. What do you do? What do you do?

Solution

Some people might tell you that you could fake Kathy out by nodding your head and saying, "Ummm. Uh, hmmm. Mmmmm. I see. Hmmm mmmm." I am here to tell you that that's not going to work unless she's part of the one-tenth of one percent of the country who can be hypnotized by people humming.

The only proven way to get yourself out of this embarrassing situation is to say something about Gloria Estefan. I'm telling you, as long as you commit to it, she can fit into any conversation. You don't believe me? Here's proof. Kathy is still staring at you waiting for a response while you dutifully consider, then reject the honesty and "hmm, hmm" options. Finally you say, "That sounds a lot like Gloria Estefan." Kathy looks at you funny and says, "What's that got to do with copper plumbing?" To which you respond, "Well, Gloria Estefan is the copper plumbing of the music industry. She's beautiful, reliable, and indestructible. Look how she came back after that bus accident! Are you going to debate me on this?!" And, presto, you're back in the conversation and nobody's the wiser.

Yesterday morning, I was toweling off after a shower, when I begin shaking and shivering uncontrollably. With great difficulty I managed to get some clothes on and made my way to the indoor patio.

Shirley brought tons of covers, which while they didn't stop my shivering; they were certainly welcomed. Most of the shivering came from within, hello hot tea! Fortunately this bout lasted several hours, not nearly as long as days in the past.

Yes, malaria was just a part of spending time in Pacific islands. Quinine, a bitter-tasting drug made from cinchona bark wasn't always available but the mosquitoes were!

Malaria is an infectious disease caused by a parasite that is transmitted by the bite of infected mosquitoes. Common in tropical countries, the disease is characterized by recurring chills and fever.

In late 1944, I traveled by train and bus to Albany, in upstate New York; to spend a weekend with a charming lady friend.

Too much snow on the ground for anything to carry me to her house, so with my wool overcoat and low cut dress shoes off I went for a little 6 mile hike through the snow.

Guess I really wanted to see her again and shucks, what was a little jaunt in snow drifts to greet that lady.

A Marine in a-1 condition wouldn't let the snow stop him, especially if he was more than half way nuts like I was.

True to my calling I arrived at the appointed house and found the lady waiting. Was I cold? It would take strong words to tell you how frozen I was.

She quickly put me in bed, where I remained absolutely out of my head for the three days of my leave!

Oh well, sometimes it feels good to remember some of those 'good ole days'; although I will say the way this turned out wasn't at all what I had in mind while trudging through those snow drifts.