Men are simple creatures, with simple rules for living. If something smells OK, it's still clean. Dishwashing is optional, subject to mood and available time. Moving things into storage means never having to clean out the garage.

Women understand these assumptions to be, well, asinine. Differences between men and women are well-known but seldom understood. To avoid a lifetime of loneliness, headaches, and social unrest, consider these simple rules when sharing a roof with the one you love.

Rule #1 - Never put off until tomorrow what you can clean up, fix or replace today.
A woman walks into a room and smells that something is amiss. Think Spiderman; it's her seventh sense. Mitigate the damage and the eventual chew-out by doing the right thing right now. A trip to Wal-Mart could mean the difference between an omniscient "I told you so" and sleeping under the deck.

Rule #2 - If she left it out or put it together, don't touch it.
No matter how much you think you're 'helping out', you're just as likely to irreparably damage the flow and balance of something she's working on. One could even sense these booby traps as tests, to see if you were listening three days ago when she told you what it was for, and what would happen if you messed it up. Keep in mind these are people who know pain. Think childbirth, menstruation, menopause. They know ways to hurt us we wouldn't want to imagine.

Rule #3 - Look good, or endure the 'mother routine'.
Guys grow up without the ability to coordinate, to accessorize or decipher bad taste; its a simple fact of life. When your mother dressed you before school, she was only preparing you for the embarrassing, lifelong routine of undoing fashion don'ts on a daily basis.

Rule #4 - Focus, and finish well.
As Ben Franklin learned shortly after electrocuting himself while discovering electricity, doing more doesn't excuse not doing something well. Concentrate on doing one thing well before venturing into multi-tasking. Inevitably, she'll notice the things you didn't do right first.

Rule #5 - Treat her personal items with respect; in fact, don't touch those either.
Here again, ironing her blouse doesn't excuse the fact that you put the hanger on the wrong way when you put it in the closet. By trying to dust the photos on the mantle, you dropped the picture of you and her in that place you went a couple years ago that you can't remember. The cost-benefit ratio is not in your favor, leave it to the professionals.

Rule #6 - Learn to like pets.
Before you, there was Spot, Dusty, Precious, and Rin Tin Tin. They're cost-effective, give unconditional love and take direction much better than you. Unless you outshine them someday, they'll be around much longer than you. Give them a wide berth, and keep smiling when you're cleaning up their mess.

Rule #7 - Whatever can happen, will.
Men gamble with odds every day. In our quest to save time and energy, we roll the dice on the laws of gravity and circumstance, too often getting burned in the process.

We believe that setting a dinner plate half-way off the counter (for just a second) while juggling other dishes will work out; that the odds of an iron - sitting upright on much-too-cluttered stairs - will fall to the floor two hours later when we throw something else there, are slim; that carrying six items in one trip is better than carrying two safely three times is a good idea.

Inevitably, an evil force is watching, laughing like the devil when it ends in disaster. Don't tempt fate, you'll be sorry.

Rule #8 - Don't wait, do it now.
Do women understand that watching the greatest play you've ever seen in slow-motion - four more times - trumps taking out the garbage? That reliving the fantasies of displaced blue-collar dogs who should have been drafted into pro sports is more important than setting the table?

Fat chance. Odds are in thirty minutes you've forgotten the detailed instructions she gave, and there's no two-minute warning to let you know when she's about to strike. By this point, your goose is cooked. You're forced to either do it incorrectly or ignore the task altogether, both of which earn you time in the corner with a pointy hat. Do yourself a favor, just do it.

Rule #9 - Little things mean a lot.
If you're one of the few men who actually do things on your own without having to be reminded several times in the course of a day, cheers. If you're like the rest of us, take heart. Even Quasimodo learned to walk with his head up, eventually.

Loading the dishwasher, for example, should be a course in college, since it seems to mean so much to so many women. Set the table. Dust something, anything, and don't use the "good" cleaning rags (who knew..?). Help your underwear find their way to the laundry basket, before its too late. If you come home someday and see your significant other walking toward you with a so-called "clean" fork pointing at you like an expressive middle finger, don't be surprised.

Rule #10 - Know when to say nothing.
If someday you get within earshot and you simply hear a one-word directive, like "yard" or "socks" or whatever, don't defend yourself. You have no idea the chemistry that is the "female mystique". The art of the two-step is better left for the likes of "Dancing with the Stars". Now would be a good time to see what a lovely day it is outside.

The list is long, but mastering the sequence and timing of these simple rules are required reading to be considered an intelligent human being, not an idiot. I'm right there with you, struggling to be the man she knows I could be. Remember, the bed's a lot colder without her, and making her happy means never having to create three squares from scratch every day. In fact, unless you know what you're doing, stay out of the kitchen too. Best of luck in mastering the art of staying out of trouble.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marc_Zeale

January is New Year's Resolution time. Lose weight, gain weight, quit smoking, start smoking, get rich, spend more time working and less time with their families...you name it, people resolve to do it.

Yet how many people actually succeed with their resolutions?

According to a statistic I just made up, 75% of people fail to keep their New Year's Resolutions. That number is even higher with weight loss resolutions.

Why, you ask?

Well, here are my Top 20 Excuses Why New Year's Resolutions to Lose Weight End in Failure...

20. I wasn't getting enough to eat on ONE diet so I had to go on THREE.

19. Its winter and I need the extra insulation to keep me warm.

18. I went to the gym and somebody was on my machine so I realized everything happens for a reason and it wasn't meant to be.

17. I went to the gym and there was no lifeguard on duty in case the rowing machine sank. I complained to the manager but they threw me out.

16. Turns out I didn't really mean it.

15. My other resolution to quit being a cranky jerk all the time wasn't compatible with my low-carb diet.

14. There was a big game on...Wheel of Fortune is a game, right?

13. My DVR broke so I couldn't fast-forward past all the food commercials.

12. I figured since rice cakes don't have many calories, the same was true of other cakes. Like fudge cake. And pancakes. With syrup. And fudge.

11. My personal trainer called and said if I didn't show up for my session on Friday, don't bother showing up on Monday. Woohoo! 4 day weekend!

10. No ashtrays on the treadmills at the gym. How do they expect me stay on that thing for an hour without a cigarette break? It's not like that little TV can keep my mind off how painful and boring it is to hammer away on that thing at 1.2 mph for 60 minutes.

9. Krispy Kreme hasn't come out with an Olestra-filled donut (that they've told us, at least...I have my suspicions).

8. Billy Mays (that bearded infomercial guy) hasn't come out with a Mighty Putty strong enough to keep my mouth shut at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

7. The economy is in such rough shape, it's hard to afford the new clothes I'll have to buy as I get smaller so it'll have to wait until I get a bailout.

6. I have to buy junk foods "for the kids" even though they don't really need that stuff either and I don't actually HAVE any kids or KNOW any kids.

5. I messed up and ate a chip on Day 2 so I gave up until next January's resolution season.

4. I need to get in better shape before I can join a gym...to get in better shape.

3. I made a resolution to give up drinking so I could lose weight but I did it while I was drunk so I forgot.

2. I don't want to insult my co-workers by not eating birthday cake at the office every single day, even when I have to bring it myself.

1. I'm waiting for President Obama to lose the weight for me.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nick_Nilsson

Today's message comes to you as a public service from your local boomer. I feel compelled to warn you of the impending end of our civilization as we know it on December 21, 2012.

According to some of the latest shows on the History Channel, it looks like the end is near. It has something to do with the Mayan Long Count, which is not a scheme thought up by the Rams new head coach to save his quarterbacks hide. This is when the sun goes into alignment with a dark band of space debris running through the Milky Way called the Road to Xibalba. Sounds like an old Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movie. And please don't ask me to pronounce it. This is supposed to set off global weather disasters of unheard of proportions and could even mean that Al Gore would come out of hiding. (I just made that last part up.) To help us prepare for this event, web sites galore are offering "2012" emblazoned products, like book bags and tee-shirts. There's even a coffee mug sporting the imprint "Be Smart, Be Ready." Yeah, like I'm going to be savoring a cup of joe as I prepare to be nailed by a 6-mile wide fireball zipping in at a bazillion miles a minute. But alas, there's more. How about that nuclear fallout protection suit for only $495 plus shipping and handling? I wonder if it comes in a 42 regular. There's even a "Complete Idiot's Guide to 2012." The irony here is just too great to offer further comment.

All this hoopla reminds me of the frenzy nearly 10 years ago (has it really been that long?) as we approached the "New Millenium" and the certain chaos that was to be Y2K. Warehouses full of survival kits and freeze-dried foods were emptied out during those days leading up to midnight 1999. I still have my crank-handle shortwave radio. Like there would have been anything left to listen to anyway.

But this one just may be for real, say the experts. Seers such as Nostradamus and clear thinkers such as Mel Gibson, Shirley McClaine and Tom Cruise are on board with this potential global annihilation. Now if that group doesn't instill a sense of validity to this prospect, then I don't know what will. Why, there were hundreds attending a conference recently in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park at a mere $300 per ticket to ponder the effects of this 5000-year cycle of the earth. Their theme was "Shift Happens." How clever. (If they really paid three hundred bucks a head, they need to read that book I mentioned earlier.)

I must tell you, the whole idea of an Armageddon in 2012 really irks me. I would be in my free agent year as a teacher, with glorious retirement less than 6 months away. What lousy stinking timing is all I gotta say.

On the other hand, Jill and I will sure save a bundle of cash on those Christmas presents we won't have to buy.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tom_Anselm