Day 1: Landing at the Los Angeles International Airport at 10 PM. Full body inspection at the Customs for bacteria checkout. 3-hour waiting for luggage delivery and another 3 hours to find the exit gate. Night bus transfer to the hotel with television sets above each sit broadcasting bodybuilding TV shows. Breakfast at the hotel on arrival: two eggs, sourdough toast, coffee or chocolate splash and fresh orange juice.

Morning visit of Beverly Hills ghetto on trolley. Regular stops to allow tour participants to take pictures of Brenda's house and Dylan's college. Day view of Sunset Boulevard and Santa Monica by bus. 2 miles down Angeles crest Scenic byway, interchange on SR1 overlapping I-405, then eastbound exit to Riverside Drive after reaching Verdugo Road's forty-fourth traffic light. Confused replies to participants asking where Melrose Place is.

Lunch in a macrobiotic restaurant located on 7119 Melrose Avenue. Menu: baked tortilla strips, brussel sprouts and sparkling mineral water. Digestive coyote shooting contest on Glendale freeway. Unlimited ammo. Rest of the afternoon free.

Dinner at the the hotel, then night party at the Beckhams' featuring Keanu Reeves and Britney Spears.

Day 2: Early departure to Crenshaw under police escort. Short stop to Baldwin Village. Freestyle rap exhibition followed by live street execution of three members from the Black P. Stones. 1992 riots testimonial tour with video projection of the Rodney King beating, along with a listening of George Bush Sr speech about the "brutality of mob" violently challenging "good and decent policemen". Quick shopping in a gun shop and short explanations to tour participants who wondered why they couldn't see one single shop like that in Beverly Hills the morning before.
Lunch in a filthy mexican bar and live abortion of a Puerto Rican girl in the toilets. Other questions from participants who definitely can't understand what's going on here.

4-hour transfer to the Dodger Stadium to watch a baseball game between the L.A. Dodgers and the New York Giants. Thunders of applause for Greg Maddux peerless split-fingered fastball and final victory for the Dodgers.

Night party at Snood Dogg's villa featuring Jay-O-Felony and Kurupt: snuff movie scenario-writing session with Dimitri Kuznetsov's cousin, video-gaming in the living room, sex orgy at the stairs and dope smoking by the swimming pool. Police inspection at 3 in the morning easily dealt with via coke and dollars.

Day 3: horrible hangover and immediate repatriation in hearse of participants who ODed during their sleep. E-mails sent to their families. Relaxing day for the others at Cal State L.A. Fitness Center, with body massage and boiling-hot bath. Jogging and tennis playing with Monica Seles.
Cancellation of the long-expected afternoon visit to Hollywood, due to the sudden strike of the gardeners who didn't see why they were the only ones around not being given a hand-job by Meg Ryan.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Pierre_Alexander

One - Food left unsupervised on a table has been abandoned. Abandoned food can be claimed by whoever finds it first. However, there is a time limit, so either eat the food immediately, or stash it somewhere safe (see commandment number 2).

Two - The best place to hide food for later on is in plain sight. Try behind the sofa cushion or tucked down the side of the sofa - humans rarely pull apart the sofa to vacuum, so your food should be safe for a couple of weeks. Just plonking it on top of the bed is usually a bad idea - the humans spot that pretty quickly.

Three - Anyone on a skateboard or a bicycle is a monster in disguise. Bark loudly and often until they go. This is very effective - it works every time!

Four - Perfect the art of looking thin at human mealtimes. It is possible to make your face look really thin, no matter what size you are, so humans feel sorry for you and give you food from the table. If you are carrying a little extra around the middle, make sure you sit so that the pudgy bits are less visible and they just see your staving face.

Five - Don't give the ball back. They'll just throw it again. Make them work for it by chasing you or trying to wrestle it out of your mouth. They need exercise too you know.

Six - the best way to get attention is to bark. Humans immediately want to know what you have seen that they haven't. If you want to play and they don't, just look out the window, bark once or twice (seriously), and they'll come straight over to see what the problem is. Now shove your toy at them and smile. If all else fails - shiver uncontrollably. All humans respond to this, usually with cuddles.

Seven - Do what you can to feel the wind through your fur. Run really fast. Hang your head out of the car window. Hitch a ride on a motor bike. Pretend you're a sled dog in the Antarctic.

Eight - Don't let them put clothes on you. We're dogs - we already have fur coats (unless you are one of those little Mexican hairless things). It's demeaning and silly and we don't care if it is Christmas!

Nine - If you are left alone in the house, it's OK to trash the place. But only do this once, or you might find you are not allowed in the house. Every dog is allowed one rock star moment to totally trash the place when left alone for a few hours. Just make sure you are standing in the middle of the mess with a silly grin on your face when they get home, so that they know it's a joke.

Ten - Reward humans when they are good. Everyone needs positive reinforcement when they do something good, so let your owners know when they have done well with a lick, a cuddle, or by laying your head on their lap. You can reward them for giving you treats, scratching your head in just the right place, taking care of you during thunderstorms, taking you for a ride in the car or taking you to the dog park.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Diane_Ellis

Years ago when I was in my twenties I worked for the telegraph company as a teletype operator. The one thing I hated about the job was when I had to deliver singing telegrams. This was usually done by telephone and I was not especially proud of my singing voice.

I was working for the telegraph office in Hayward, California and we had a regular customer, let's call her Mrs. M, who was a bit eccentric. Mrs. M would call in and dictate long, rambling, non-sensical telegrams to the Pope, the President, her Congressman, and anybody else who happened to annoy her. These telegrams went on sometimes for several pages and didn't make a lot of sense. The girls in our office hated to take these telegrams from her because she was sometimes a little abusive with them as well. But she was one of our better customers. The telegrams were charged by the word and her telegrams would sometimes run over $100. As I said she was a little eccentric, but she was also wealthy.

I didn't mind talking to her and the girls in the office hated it, so I made them a deal. If they would handle any singing telegrams we got, I would handle the calls from Mrs. M.

Years later I was working as a backlot timekeeper for Paramount Pictures. I told some of my co-workers about this experience and they found it quite amusing. As we started joking about it, we came up with a funny joke based on my experiences. The joke got told and was soon passed on all around the movie studio lot.

A few more years later after I had left my job at Paramount, I was watching a program on TV and John Wayne was a guest star. He did something I had never seen him do before -- he told a joke. To my surprise, it was the joke my friends and I had created years earlier.

Although I met a lot of stars when I worked at Paramount, I never had the honor of meeting John Wayne. I was very flattered, though, to see that he liked my joke. Here, for your enjoyment, is the joke that John Wayne stole from me and my friends:

A woman was sitting in her home when she heard a knock on the door. She got up and found a telegraph delivery man at her doorway. As he was explaining he had a telegram for her, she got very excited.

"Oh boy, sing it to me!" she exclaimed.

"Oh ma'am, I couldn't do that," the delivery man replied.

"Don't be bashful," she said. "Please sing it to me! I insist!"

"Well, okay" he said. And he burst out into song:

"La, da, ta, da, da, da! Your sister Rose is dead."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ron_Coleman