The crowds gather in abundant numbers and gaze in awe as it is time, once again, for the Semiannual Invitational and Garage Cleaning Ceremony.

I don't know how it happens. Twice a year, usually the first nice weekend in the Spring and the last nice weekend in the fall, I subject myself to the tedious task of making array out of the disarray that has developed in my garage over the past six months.

After every cleaning, I always say the same thing to myself, "Now, let's keep it that way." But, somehow, sometime between May and November and May again, piles of boxes, papers and assorted potpourri make its way into the garage. The best that I can figure is that the neighbors are sneaking stuff from their garage into mine, while I'm asleep.

The ritual is the same. Usually, on a beautiful, warm Saturday morning, I step into the garage from the kitchen, take a slow pan of the room, think about breakfast and then retreat to where things are slightly more organized.

After procrastinating through my meal with such diversionary tactics as, "How about another cup of coffee?" or, "Would I like to see another section of the paper?", I head into the field of battle armed with trash bags, broom, dust pan and wonder where I can lease a front-end loader.

I open the overhead garage door to reveal to my unexplained bounty to the neighborhood. Starting from the front and working my way to the back, I survey each new treasure that has come to the Megill garage for diplomatic immunity. After being inspected, it is then brought out of the garage to the driveway to be categorized. The item goes to the left if it is food for the Hefty bag, to the right if it is a keeper.

First out are the fifty zillion recycle pails. There's one for clear glass, one for brown glass, green glass, indigo glass. There are pails for tin cans, aluminum cans, iron cans, cans that had subsistence in them beginning with the letters A through M. (Cans with food from the N through Z range get eaten by the borough assigned billy goat.)

As I dig further through the rubble, I find assorted gifts including the stuffed, purple spotted owl given to me by Aunt Lucy and Uncle Ed for my birthday and a box that was never opened revealing a six month old cheese log. (This could have been the reason for the angry phone calls in the middle of the night.)

On I go, through my safari into the deepest, darkest jungles of "boxdom." And, what is this? A box of record albums I neither remember buying nor, after looking at them, claim to have bought. There are such titles as: Freddy Fender and Luciano Pavorotti Together In Concert, The Harmonicats Play Black Sabbath and a Time/Warner album of Sound Effects Made at a Teamster's Bar-B-Q.

Then I come across a box of old letters and photographs sent to me by my mother from Florida. The letters are pretty mundane, but the photographs create a timeout in my tournament of trash. The first is a class picture of me in kindergarten with my signatory cowlick the shape of a teepee. Next is my junior high school picture proving that thirteen is not a good age to document a young boy's looks. Finally, a picture of me and my date at the senior prom with my Q-Tip physique and pants that are almost touching my ankles.

After breathing in a paper bag from hyperventilating from laughing for such a long time, the trash is removed, the floor is swept and once again the garage is roomy enough to actually fit an automobile. (My car knows better.)

So, as the sun sets in the west, I bring the door down on my clean and neat garage and, if you listen really close, you can almost hear me say, "Now, let's keep it that way." I know it won't, because, after all, garage is garbage without the "b".

Some time back I wrote and article on this subject. However, Letterman says his socks are not white. Well, they look white on my television set. They must look white to others too or why would he make the comment. I guess they are gray or light blue or such. Who cares? Don't they look silly on a man in a dark Brooks Brothers suit?

I wear white socks every day. When I put them on Sunday to go to Church my wife goes ballistic. I tell her not to worry. I'll just pull on my cowboy boots.

Here are the first top ten reasons I gave for Letterman's white socks:

1. He has jungle rot from WW II.

2. He hates to look for matching socks in the dark.

3. He doesn't want to forget his "Country Pumpkin" roots.

4. His brother is a male nurse with a large clothing allowance.

5. It helps him hide in the cotton field from the revenuers, besides he's a Chicago White Sox fan.

6. He is an avid Whitetail Deer hunter.

7. He works a night job in a bakery.

8. He thinks he's Frosty the Snowman.

9. His great grandmother wore white socks and that's how he remembers her.

And the 10th reason that David Letterman wears white sox is:

10. He hopes to try out for the next Mickey-Mouse-type Disney Character.

Here are ten more top reasons David Letterman wears white socks but this time we will use Letterman's reverse order:

Number 10. He is recognizing the demise of the Polar Bear.

Number 9. He is going to play in the snow with his boy and he doesn't want the neighbors to see him.

Number 8. It ruins the photos of the paparazzi.

Number 7. He can find matching socks in the dark without waking his son.

Number 6. The hospital recommends white socks for repeated emergency bypass surgery.

Number 5. He heard that Napoleon preferred white socks.

Number 4. He does not want to be selected as the Best Dressed Man of the Year by People Magazine.

Number 3. He's going to Bermuda right after the show and will be changing into his white suit.

Number 2. Paul said he looks great dressed like a geek--

and the Number One reason that Dave Letterman wears white sox is:

Number 1. It is part of his Clown Suit!

It's called parsing. It means that you cannot think of anyone or anything over 140 characters long. Each letter, number, punctuation point and space counts as a character. Twitter rules as well as destroys.

As you probably have heard around the coffee shop, Twitter is now being blamed for causing America to go mindless. Buy hey, come on, how can Twitter be responsible for the pre-Twitter status quo?

Blame is easy because Twitter is a newbie on the street corner of interactive Web 2.0 sites. One simply logs onto Twitter and it's free expression as long as it's 140 characters or less.

Now realistically it is not fair, though admittedly very convenient, to blame America's total lack of attention and focus on Twitter. It's not Twitter's fault this is an election year.

Twitter is simply software that just sits there until one enters their 140 characters or less, regardless of who is running for President.

But it's all worth it in the end because the Twitter community has a steady stream of new members; many of whom just might become your Followers. Followers are a type of fan and you are the Followed. So to speak or rather twitter.

The truth is, like many Web 2.0 unwritten "givens" if one Follows you, you should respectfully Follow them back.

Whether you actually do Follow or not is not really the point, it's Web 2.0 courtesy to respond in kind. Be nice or leave.

Of course one should morally Follow back out of courtesy so that more folks don't jump off the Golden Gate Bridge; imagine the trauma of Twitter rejection.

But just because one Follows, doesn't actually mean one follows, in Twitter terms of course.

There's no getting around it. How truly embarrassing when one goes back over the archives!

Some poor soul thinks they are carrying on some sort of dialogue with you and it's clear you are taking off wherever you wish totally ignoring them and everything else: my gosh, what must they all be thinking? Or rather, twittering?

Are they somehow subliminally twittering with me? One eventually starts to wonder: what is really going down here?

But whatever you do, don't lose control because you committed a downright ugly Twitter indiscretion. You know, something you are afraid might pop up on you-know-who's Google search.

But if you do sin, one of the Twitter strategies for covering up your indiscretion is simply moving on. Or in other words, bury it in the archives.

Twittering away with goofy and silly nonsense does wonders for burying the Twitter where you called your boss an infected scab. And worse.

But no worries, in the end Twitter is all so stylishly superficial anyway. If there is any Twitter style that has emerged, it is the cutesy superficial style.

That is probably because every California valley girl twitters night and day but of course that's how they talk as well as Twitter.

If you like Search, Twitter has a good search function but with billions of Twitters it's like getting 10,000 hits on a search.

And since so many Twitters are twatter, it's sort of like 'what's the point?' One can only assume some sort of alternative self therapy involved with these Twitter search freaks...

Which seems strange since the original idea was for your friends to know what you are thinking and doing every minute of the day.

It seems even stranger if you are married, but remember you too were once young and for some reason were once interested in those sorts of things.

Besides, how important can your thoughts while doing laundry really be?

The answer is not really important at all and that best describes the real strength of Twitter; it's artificial and not very important at all.

It's contrived except for those that already think in Twitter. So for those folks relatively speaking, they are twittering but really not in Twitter terms of course.

If it sounds too complex it's really not. Twittering requires only superficial usage of scattered parts of the brain and very quickly you will notice numerous Twitterers that do not express any sort of thought whatsoever.

They have a hope that someday a miracle will happen.

It's sort of like "hi, I'm here trying to think, not much yet in terms of results but will keep on trying and keep you posted or rather twittered should I actually think something."

That's because recent research showed some 87% of we Twitterers have less than a two second attention span.

Call it parsing or call it scatterbrained but the reality is a society hooked on Twitter and Sudoku is a society with way too much free time on its hands. And that spells big trouble.

But on the upside, even though we really aren't important, we can impress other unimportant people that we are in fact important because we Twitter.

In global terms, we should be thankful. Twitter is showing us a very important and revealing aspect of our humanity: a mind is not necessary for self expression. Or, as we say out here in California, "No es necessario!"

So go ahead, feel free to exercise your mindless self expression. Go ahead, Twitter me, I dare ya!

Humor is everywhere that's for sure. Have you ever been on a bus and overheard what people are saying? It might not seem funny at the time, but if you rewind it in your mind I'm sure you will find something funny comes out it. It can seem infuriating at the time, but if you look back on it, it's really funny. I will give you a example: The person who stands at the bus stop. Now, this person gets the same bus every day, and goes the same distance every day, to the same destination every day. The person must stand at the stop for at least ten minutes before the bus actually appears. So what do they do every day? And I mean every day because I have witnessed this extraordinary behavior for days on end.

They get on the bus, and I'm talking a busy time of day when the bus and the roads are at there busiest, around about 8.15 in the morning when the bus is full of people going to work. The roads are busy, and its a horrible winters morning. You have been soaked, to the skin, just waiting on the bus. Then you get on and you need to stand because its packed full of people, you can't even get your newspaper out to read it, as there is not enough elbow room to even do that. Being that time in the morning, the bus keeps picking up people, until it is no longer possible to take any more passengers.

Then it gets to a certain stop, and I just know what's going to happen. The person gets on (and remember this person gets the same bus, every day to the same place, every day) and says the same thing " DRIVER, HOW MUCH IS IT INTO TOWN?" I mean, can you imagine the agitation on the bus. You can actually feel people spontaneously combusting with agitation as this person ruffles through their pockets to find the right change! You get the same bus every day, to the same destination, why in the name of the wee man have you not got the right change! YOU STOOD AT THE STOP FOR AT LEAST TEN MINUTES WAITING FOR THE BUS, so why have you not got the right change? Very agitating, but funny looking back at it.

Can anyone really write a joke. There is a simple answer to that question, have you ever said anything funny? If you can answer yes, to that question then you can write a joke.

I have made reference in my other articles about the fact that if you do not write things down, then you are losing 90% of your ideas. Think about that for a moment. All the success that you have achieved so far in your life is a result of 10% of the thoughts you have had so far. Imagine what you could achieve if you could retain the other 90% The same goes for joke writing.

So now lets put the two together. Have you ever said anything funny? I bet you have, then just write it down. I can remember many times when I have said funny things right off the top of my head but did not think to write it down, and of course, now its gone.

The sad truth is that 90% of all the funny stuff that you have ever said, is gone. I have notebooks full of jokes. Whenever I begin writing something, I just need to flip through my notebook to find the joke that fits the topic that I am writing about.

Please remember that very many people are looking for excellent jokes, if you think that you can do it, and if you also develop your notebook full of jokes, then I strongly recommend looking for an agent who might be able to help you.

Back in the early days, this guy was just a guy. He was unemployed, had very little money and no job prospects. He was not a very good looking guy so the chance of him becoming famous what slim. But then something happened, he decided to buy a book about joke writing. After a while, he was a touring stand-up comedian. His unique appearance gave him a certain identity and he eventually got his own television show, with his name in the title. He hosted another comedy show, with the funniest improve comedians starring in it, and now is the new host of "The Price is Right"

You should know his name by now, its Drew Carrey, and he is a terrific success story. He went from having nothing to having everything, seemingly overnight just because he took a chance and followed his dream. Is writing jokes your dream?

If it is, I have an important tip for you. It such an important joke writing tip, that it will seem to be ridiculous, and yet most people never think of it. The tip is this: If you think of it, write it down.

In other words, the best place to learn to write jokes, is in your own head. Always write it down. Carry a note pad with you always and always keep notes. Did you know that if you don't write it down, then you will loose 90% of the ideas you come up with. Thats right, if you have not been writing things down, then all the success you achieved so far in your life has been a result of only 10% of the ideas you have come up with in your life. Imagine how successful you could be if you were able to keep all of the ideas you come up with!

It started very simply for one well-known comedian. He was out with nothing to do one day and decided to buy a book. The subject of the book was how to write books, and the result changed his life. He has since had a television show in his own name, the hosted a famous and tremendously successful comedy show, and he is the new host of The Price is Right.

Thats right, Drew Carrey got his start simply by buying a book on how to write jokes. So now you must be asking yourself, how can I learn to write jokes. If thats the case, then I hope to give you a few tips from my own experience.

The most important thing is to not be afraid of embarrassment. You will need to be a clown, be a fool. Some of your jokes will work and some will not, but they all need to be tested no matter what. In order to accurately be sure of the results of your test, you will need to be your own worst critic. The response you want is a full belly laugh, a loud guffaw, not just a polite giggle.

What ever you plan to write for, whether it be a novel, sitcom, or if your aim is to do stand-up comedy, people will expect a higher level of joke, then a group of friends might. Your friends will be more forgiving than an audience in a bar, even if they have had a bit to drink. If you are looking to write jokes, then chances are you are already a funny person and your friends, want to laugh at you, a sitcom audience want to not laugh at you.

Well okay. After having kept my two front teeth intact for decades, I discovered an amazing secret. One wrong bite hitting a hidden menace (a piece of bone) can make you feel young again - yep! About eight years old and awaiting the tooth fairy. So, okay. I felt the resistance; I heard the crack; I panicked. Whew! The tooth was still there, although where once it stood secure, now it felt loose. VERY LOOSE and PAINFUL. Did the pain bother me? Nope. What bothered me was that I had an important event to go to on the weekend and I might be toothless! Oh vanity of vanities....

Dinnertime came and I tried to avoid hitting the tooth. Every time I took a bite, it loosened up a bit more. Finally, it hung precariously in my mouth by the gum like a mountain climber who's lost his footing. I needed to see a dentist and QUICKLY.

Now I like dentist visits about as much as eating worms but emergencies are emergencies. The dentist, a cheery fellow, took an ex-ray, a quick look, and promptly informed me he couldn't do anything. He then scurried off to attend another patient who actually had an appointment and left me sitting stunned in the chair. WHAT??? HE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING??? I knew this had to be some kind of mistake. Visions of wandering the wilderness as a snaggle toothed hermit ran through my mind. How could I face civilization again?

The dentist came back in and told me to come back tomorrow. SUFFERING SUCCOTASH!

The next day he anesthetized me, pulled the broken tooth out and glued it back in. Great! There WAS something he could do! Temporarily, anyway. As it turned out, my temporary fix lasted ONE DAY. I finally lost the tooth and my pride on a hot dog, but I HAD to go to church on Sunday and meet the new people who would be there for a special event. I panicked. The REASON the dentist couldn't do anything was that his vacation was about to begin. While he was enjoying a cruise to Cabo San Lucas, I would be toothless for about two weeks. Sigh...

Trying not to despair, my husband and I went to the drugstore to see if there was anything that could glue my tooth back in without poisoning me. He had already suggested "Super Glue," a suggestion that I immediately rejected because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing my poor husband having to live life without me. Yeah right! We found something that looked like putty and the package said it was for broken crowns etc. Voila! Saved! WRONG. I was sure I had found the answer to my dilemma so I waited until church on Sunday morning to try it. My mistake. Putting the guck on the tooth, I tried fitting it back into the cavity. I pressed it until I thought it would harden and stay in. No such luck! The putty remained putty, the tooth remained unattached, and I still had to go to church with my hand over my mouth. DRAT!!!

At church, I lisped my way through the hymns, keeping a careful watch on my husband who might just be tempted to announce my "new look" to the entire congregation (I wouldn't put it past him.) Keeping my hand over the Grand Canyon, I lisped my sad story to whomever gave me weird looks or who cornered me as I was rushing to hide. When they knew, they tried to pull my hand from my mouth in a "We love you anyway" gesture. Personally, I think they just wanted to see how silly I looked (yeah, that's right. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.) Believe me, I resisted and won that battle! After that I was able to be comforted with stories of everyone else's tooth fiascos. It didn't make me feel THAT much better. They had teeth.

I had one more week to go and one more Sunday service before "Mr. Cheery" came back from vacation, so....I put all my creative energy to work in trying to figure out how to build a new substitute before I had to face another toothless weekend. Now, let's see...what was hard enough and white? Hmmm....I know! MICROWAVED BAGELS! (So, okay, I was desperate.) I cut out a piece and began to shape a tooth, squeezing it into the gaping hole. Satisfied with the fit, I microwaved it for 3 minutes. UH OH....too long. The "tooth" had transformed into a brown stone. Okay, less radiation. It worked - semi-white - until I realized I couldn't glue it in place. I thought it might stay in if I forced it in, but no. Pretty soon, even the "rock" began to soften and it was snack time. NOW WHAT? Shells! I have a bag of seashells that almost look like porcelain so I broke them in pieces with a hammer, trying to find something that would break into the shape of a tooth - almost like trying to create man out of primordial soup! I can attest to the fact that trying to make a tooth out of shell without a dentist, or man out of mud without an intelligent Creator is an IMPOSSIBILITY. I hammered away, picking through the mess until finally I had to concede defeat. I resigned myself to another toothless Sunday, and yes, this time, he did call me "Snaggles" from the pulpit. Sigh...

Why am I recounting this very embarrassing but very human experience? Because if we can laugh at life's troubles AND OURSELVES (my emphasis), we will be less apt to be easily offended, will make life easier for everyone around us and the inevitable bumps in the road will not damage our shocks. Yeah, you guys know what I mean.

As you read this, I have a temporary bridge, I have sold my three grown sons to pay for it, and I look "almost normal."

The following is a fantasy interview with Benjamin Franklin. Franklin was one of the most interesting and amazing figures of the American colonial period.

Host : Our guest today on The Program is Dr. Benjamin Franklin. Dr. Franklin is a native Bostonian, but his adopted cities are Philadelphia , London , and Paris . Dr. Franklin is an entrepreneur, inventor, journalist, publisher, and statesman.

As an inventor and a man of science he invented the Franklin stove, the bifocal glasses, the lightning rod, and he verified that electricity and lightning are one and the same. Dr. Franklin's many experiments with electricity were published in 4 languages and brought him international fame.

As an entrepreneur he founded the University of Pennsylvania , the first lending library in America , a fire department, a hospital, and an insurance company. He also owned several pieces of valuable property in central Philadelphia .

As a publisher he is famous for Poor Richard's Almanac, which published for 25 years, and he became wealthy as a journalist and the owner of the Pennsylvania Gazette.

As a statesman, Dr Franklin presided over the Constitutional Convention in 1776 and was one of five committee members who drafted the Declaration of Independence. During the Revolutionary War Dr. Franklin spent many years in Paris securing financial and military help for the war effort. At the end of the war he was appointed to negotiate the peace treaty with England .

Welcome to The Program, Dr. Franklin .

Franklin : Thank you for the opportunity. As I once said, "To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions."

Host: First of all, how important was your role in founding our country? The French Finance Minister, Jacques Turgot, said that you "snatched the lightning from the skies and the scepter from tyrants."

Franklin : I do not feel that I should take too much credit for America 's founding. The revolution was the work of many able and brave men, wherein it is sufficient honor for me if I am allowed a small share.

Host: That's very humble.

Franklin : As I once said, "Humility makes great men twice honorable."

Host : Tell us something about your role in drafting the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin : I was the oldest member of the committee of five who were assigned to draft the Declaration. John Adams seemed the most likely candidate to draft the document, since he had the most experience with writing such documents. But I liked young Jefferson 's style the best, and in the end we decided to let him write the draft. Later in June of 1776, while I was at home recovering from the boils and gout, Thomas Jefferson asked for my advice about his draft of the Declaration. He invited me to read it and to suggest any changes that I thought necessary. I only made a few changes, though I did strike out the words "sacred and undeniable" and replaced them with "self-evident," as in, "We hold these truths to be self-evident."

Host: Tell us a little bit about your experiments with electricity. They made you famous, but I'm not sure that I know the whole story about your kite experiment.

Franklin : For several years I had been fascinated by electricity. Our Library Company had received an electricity machine from one of my friends in England . My friends and I devised numerous ingenious experiments involving observation and measurement which we described in letters sent to the Royal Society of London. Those letters were later collected into book form and translated into other languages. I actually had to invent many of the terms that are now commonly used with electricity in order to describe my experiments. Some of the words I coined are battery, charge, condenser, conductor, positively, negatively, and armature.

In 1752 it had occurred to me that lightning was an electrical fire discharge between one body with an overquantity to a body with an underquantity which equalized the difference between the two. I wanted to do an experiment with the spire of Christ Church in Philadelphia but I became impatient waiting for them to build the spire. It occurred to me that a kite could get closer to the thunderstorm than the spire ever could, so I devised a plan to launch a kite during a storm to see if I could detect electricity emanating from the storm.

Weather being what it is in Philadelphia , it didn't take long before storm clouds approached and my opportunity to test my idea was given. My son William, who was 21 at the time, was the only one who assisted me with raising the kite because I didn't want too many people knowing about what I was doing. A nearby field had a convenient shed where I could sit during the storm and wait for a suitable cloud to approach. A considerable time passed before any promising clouds appeared and all of them proved to be wasted effort. Finally, one good cloud caused the loose threads on the hemp kite string to move and stand up. I touched my knuckle to the key that was within reach and felt the electric spark for myself. This confirmed my belief that lightning was a form of electricity.

Host: Wow, that lightning stroke was a stroke of good fortune.

Franklin : Good fortune, maybe, but maybe good planning. As I once said, "He who waits upon fortune is never sure of dinner."

Host: The story about how you met your wife is a funny story. Can you tell us about that?

Franklin : Certainly, and this is a story that you can find in my book, Autobiography, which you can find at Amazon.com and local bookstores everywhere. I remember the day well. It was a Sunday, October 6, 17 23 . I was just a young man of 17 and I had not been having much luck in gaining reputable and sufficient employment. I had left Boston in favor of New York , but when nothing seemed providential in New York I went to Philadelphia to become a printer.

On my very first day in Philadelphia , and with only a few coins in my pocket, I stopped at a bakery and for three pennies received three great puffy rolls. I had one loaf under each arm and was munching on the third while I walked up Market Street . As I approached the residence of the Read family their daughter, Deborah, saw me from their front door. I was a frightful sight. As Deborah later remarked, I made a most awkward ridiculous appearance. But seven years later we formed a common-law marriage. We had to do it that way because Deborah had become married while I was in England during the intervening years and then her husband deserted her and completely disappeared. Deborah and I were happily married for 44 years and we raised two sons and a daughter.

Host: Dr. Franklin, we want to thank you for coming on our show today. But before we part I want to ask you one last question if I may. Did you really say, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy?"

Franklin : I'm glad you asked that, because I've been misquoted on that for many years. What I really said was in a letter to my friend Andre Morellet in 1779. Here's what I wrote: " We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the marriage in Cana as of a miracle. But this conversion is, through the goodness of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy."

With that parting bit of wisdom I wish you and your listeners and readers a gracious good day.

Host: Thank you Dr. Franklin. It's been a pleasure having you on The Program.

One of the first orders of business one needs to take care of when moving to California is to get a California driver's license and California plates. I had reserved a full day for this endeavor, anticipating that it would take at least the entire morning to achieve complete Californization of my vehicle and of all my vehicular activities. If I were to fail within that time span, surely I would succeed by mid to late afternoon. In preparation, I had scoured boxes upon unpacked boxes in my apartment, gathering every document that I felt had even the slightest chance of proving remotely relevant to my quest.

Brimming with confidence, I boldly rolled my file cabinet's worth of documentation up to the reception desk. I was about to feed the bureaucratic process a can of whoopass. Fists on hips and face to the sky, my hair blowing wildly, I summoned my deepest, most heroic sounding voice and announced, "I am here to obtain a California license and registration." With a bored expression, the clerk reached up and turned off the fan which had just kicked on unexpectedly. My hair was no longer blowing, but I still felt pretty heroic.

"Do you have your birth certificate?" Though delivered by an actual white-haired lady behind the counter, the words could have just as easily been delivered by an automated phone menu. "I've got it right here!" I jerked open the top file drawer, yanked out a manila folder and, with a toothy smile, I casually tossed it on the desk before her.

"Passport?"
"Never leave home without it," I patted my breast pocket.
"Proof of insurance?"
"I'm in good hands!" I pulled an Allstate insurance card out of my wallet.

Now, I could see the wheels turning. Apparently considering me a worthy opponent, the clerk's lips curled into a smile. "Do you have your original car title, the car's current mileage, original mileage at time of purchase, date of original purchase, amount paid at time of original purchase, notarized proof of sale, amount paid in taxes at the time of original purchase and a listing of government programs those tax dollars went towards sponsoring?" I pulled out the requisite documents and sorted them neatly in front of her. Feigning indifference, she pressed on. "What is your gender?"

"Male."
"Race?"
"White."
"Ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No."
"When's the last time you donated blood?"
"May 12, 2002."
"Favorite color?"
"Purple." She almost caught me with this one; I had almost said, 'black.' But, I got it at the last second.
"Alright," she now began typing - or pretending to type, I couldn't be sure - some of this information into her computer. "I'll just need a copy of your previous, out of state license, a record of your most recent grade point average, and proof of what you ate for breakfast this morning." I calmly laid out my Illinois license, a copy of my medical school transcript and a half-eaten doughnut.

A feeling of pride began to well up inside me. The end was in sight! All that remained would be a battery physical and mental challenges most likely including an eye test, written test, driving test, photograph, vehicle inspection, the feat of strength, some signatures and fees - a long, drawn out hassle to be sure, but a clear path to victory! But the clerk would have one final trick up her sleeve - something I had not anticipated. Her eyes narrowed, her steely expression unwavering. Has your car been smogged?"

I gulped. "Smogged?" I repeated dumbly, trying to imagine what the verb 'to smog' might refer to and hoping desperately that it was something that I had done at some point.

Smelling blood, she pressed on. "Yes, smogged. How do you expect me to certify your CS-39 authorization unless your car has been smogged."

I was now a helpless rabbit, dangling in her vice-like grip and I saw no signal to indicate that she had any intention of relenting. My confidence utterly deflated, I had only one play left to make. "Has my vehicle been smogged...um, I had the emissions tested in Illinois?"

This was all she needed The day was hers. "Oh, I'm sorry," a rivulet of sarcasm dripped from her mouth, leaving a small puddle on the floor. "You'll have to have your vehicle smogged in California before we can give you a California registration. Please come back when you've gotten that taken care of. NEXT!"

Defeated, I began to put away the mountain of paper that had accumulated. I hung my head and trudged for the exit, pushing my filing cabinet in front of me like a homeless person with their shopping cart.

Someone once said that the number one cause for divorce is marriage. This could be true. The divorce rate in this country is now fifty per cent. That's right; one in two marriages will end in divorce. You stand a better chance of going to the church and instead of having the clergy read the vows, they should flip a coin.

Clergy: Okay, heads we have a wedding, tails, we all go home. Call it, bride.
Bride: Heads.
The Clergy flips the coin and catches it.
Clergy: The bride called heads, it came up tails. Sorry, there will be no wedding today. Thank you for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts.

There has to be a better way. There has to be a way that the prospective bride and groom can determine whether or not they are going to make it in the wonderful world of matrimony, or end up arguing who gets the stuffed, spotted owl as a wedding present.
Of course, living together for a while can give them an idea as to what married life is going to be like. However, that is not always the case.

Because there seems to be a lack of Top 10 lists (he said, with dripping sarcasm), I have developed a list of ten ways to tell if the marriage is going to work out, even before the marriage takes place. And, because it seems like it's been a long time since I've done one of these lists (inside joke)and even longer since I've done one Lettermen style, here we go: The Top 10 Ways to Tell If Your Marriage Won't Work -

10. The bride-to-be is registered at Jacoby & Myers.

9. He wears more makeup than she does.

8. The marriage license has an expiration date.

7. He doesn't believe in premarital sex...just extramarital.

6. The wedding ceremonies will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Annulment.

5. When you come home, you find dirty dishes piled up in the sink...in the bathroom.

4. The only temperature she knows how to cook on is "scorch."

3. Instead of wedding invitations, you have to send out subpoenas.

2. Your future in-laws have the same zip code.

And the Number One way to tell that your marriage won't work,

1. Your engagement announcement appears on the Obituary Page.

I hope this list has been helpful. If not, well, thank you for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts.

14 Feb Valentine Day Ko Loog Aysa Kia Karty Hain Kh
Theakh Nine(9) Month Baad 14 Nov Ko Children Day Manana
Parta Hai

Honth keh nahi sakte jo fasana dil ka, Shayad nazar se woh
baat ho jaye. Is umeed mein karte hain intezaar raat ka,
ke shayad sapne mein mulaqat ho jaye...
HapPy Valentine"s day..

soocha aap say baaat karooon ......
Phir Soocha ...ek mulaqaat Karoon ...
Phir Sooocha ....q na ... Intezaar karoon ...
Phir.. Soocha ...q na .. ek kaam karoon ...
ek piyaara sa sms aap k naam karoon ...
HAPPY VALENTINE DAY

Are looking for a great prank? How about if you are trying to get back at your friend for playing a prank on you? Maybe you are just trying to be funny and enjoy playing a prank on an unsuspecting victim. No matter what the reason or occasion you are sure to find exactly what you are looking for in a shock prank. When you think of a shock prank your thoughts might go directly to a buzzer. True, this is one of the most common types of shocking pranks played on most, but there is a variety of different ways you can perform a shock trick without your target even suspecting it.

With all of the technology today you no longer have to use the same old pranks that everyone is aware of and tend to be quite obvious. You can now add flair to your pranking with an assortment of different products. For that unaware coworker who diligently works at their computer, you can switch out their mouse with a shocking computer mouse. This is a life like mouse that adds a shock to any computer user's day. If they are not quite so computer savvy you can also choose from a shocking pen or an electric shock stapler. Disguised as an ordinary pen, writers will get a jolt with each click. For those who use a stapler on a regular basis, or maybe they tend to borrow your exceedingly, the shock stapler is a great way to give coworkers a slight shock to wake them up and get them going for the day.

There are also a wide variety of shock pranks that you can use around the home without anyone being none the wiser to your intentions. If you have someone who performs a variety of handy man tasks then you might be interested in shocking utility knife or shocking tape measure. Both gives the appearance of being regular tools that one might keep in their toolbox, but when used they give a jolt to whoever is handling them. There are other household items such as chewing gum, flashlights, markers, nail clippers, and even a stack of quarters. All of these items will help you complete whatever prank you had in mind. Shocking pranks are a great way to get someone without worrying about if they will get hurt or injured as a result of your prank.

Another great factor about shock pranks is that they won't cost you a fortune. They are a fun and cost effective way to play a prank on someone and can be used over and over again. There is no limit to how many people you can prank with the same gag. Such a variety of normal products that you usually find around the house or garage won't alert people to the prank you are about to play on them. You can play your prank on family, friends, or coworkers without having to worry about elaborate schemes, just a simple switch out or placement of the item and your prank is complete.

"Sherm the Worm does not Squirm"

Act One

Sherman, at eleven years of age, sometimes finds himself backed into a corner by larger, less intelligent children. One day, two bullies trap him on the playground and try to ruffle his feathers. Sherman remains calm.

Duke : Hey, Sherman, do you want to eat some worms? (Duke has an evil grin on his face. He obviously enjoys picking on smaller people. Little does he know . . . .)

Jorge: Yeah, huh huh. Sherm the Worm, huh huh.

Sherman: Don't call me that.

Duke: I got some worms in my pocket, just for you.

Sherman: That's okay. Your pocket is a good place for those worms. Are you sure they're not all squishy?

Duke: (looking down at his pocket): Huh? No, they're okay.

Jorge: Don't call you what?

Sherman: Don't call me Sherm the Worm. So, anyway, what kind of worms've you got in your pocket there, Duke? Are they red wrigglers or tropical nightcrawlers?

Jorge: Yeah, Duke, whaddaya got? Them red things he said or the troppie --- what?

Sherman: Tropical nightcrawlers.

Jorge: What's that? (Despite being rather dim, Jorge is a curious kid.)

Sherman: Well, it's a kind of earthworm, if you really need to know. And say, Duke, do you have any soil in that pocket along with those worms?

Duke: I just got worms in my pocket, that's all. There ain't no dirt in there, too. Why would I wanna put dirt in my pocket?

Act Two

Sherman: Why would you want to put worms in your pocket? But never mind. You see, earthworms like dirt, and dirt likes earthworms. They have a symbiotic relationship. Earthworms are important for helping dirt stay healthy so that your mother's garden can stay green.

Jorge: What's a symbi --- symbo --- relationship?

Sherman: Well, a symbiotic relationship is when two different parties mutually benefit one another.

Duke: Hey, wait a minute, what did you say about my mom? (Duke looks upset, his face is red and his eyes are popping out. He's very sensitive about his mother. However, Sherman easily distracts Duke from his anger.)

Sherman: Hey, Duke, it looks like those worms have crawled out of your pocket and gotten into your body somehow. You don't have, like, a hole in your pocket or something, do you?

Jorge & Duke: Huh?

Sherman: Yeah, it looks like there's a red wriggler crawling out your nose. Here, let me get it for you. (Sherman is very quick, having studied various ancient martial arts beginning at the age of two. He steps forward, inserts his right pinky into Duke's left nostril, and lifts upward while simultaneously placing his right instep against the bigger lad's right knee and pushing down at a angle. Duke hits the ground and his eyes start to water. Jorge starts laughing.)

Jorge: Hey, Duke, are you crying?

Duke: Ow, that hurts! Shut up, Jorge, or I'm gonna punch you out!

Jorge: Oh, yeah, like, I'm scared. (Jorge begins to follow as Sherman saunters off.) Hey, Sherm, tell me more about that garden stuff, and about the worms.

Sherman: Well, maybe next time, Jorge. Right now, why don't you help Duke there. (Duke is rolling around on the ground, holding his nose with one hand and his knee with the other. Jorge stands there with his mouth hanging open and his hands hanging at his sides, looking back and forth between Duke moaning on the ground and Sherman strolling away down the street.)

I design pet memorial photo jewelry and many days I find myself comforting those who have lost a pet so dear to them. Whenever I get the chance I like to give myself a laugh or cheery thought. I started a collection of jokes that I find funny and sorted them by subject. I've picked out fifteen of my all time favorite animal/pet jokes and I'd like to share them with you today. So if you love cats, dogs, birds ... sit back, read, enjoy and feel free to share.

1. Emotional Dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of movie, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the movie.

After the movie had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. It's remarkable!" "Yeah, it is," said the man. "He hated the book."

2. Computer Using Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."

Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

3. Seeing Eye Dog

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

4. Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

5. Talking Dog

One day, down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars".

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

6. Rude Parrot

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior".

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"

7. Animal Magnetism

Three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach a lovely female poodle first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three would-be suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular chocolate Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny golden retriever and said, "How well can you do."

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.

"My, my," said the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is a Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the chocolate Lab and says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

8. Heroic Pig

A farmer walked into a bar with his pig and ordered a drink. The bartender could not help asking the man why his pig had a peg leg. "Well, you see," said the farmer, "this is an amazing pig. Why, two years ago, my son was chopping wood in the field when a tree collapsed on him, pinning him to the ground and making breathing difficult. The pig, which was in the area, ran to get assistance and, squealing loudly, led us to my son to rescue him."

"You're right, that is an amazing story. But why does your pig have a peg leg?"

This is no ordinary pig," the farmer continued. "One night while we were sleeping, our barn caught fire and the pig managed to squeeze through a little hole in the wall and circle our house, squealing as loud as it could to wake us up. We were able to save all of the animals."

"Wow. Incredible. But why does the pig have a peg leg?"

"Wait. Once, our home caught on fire. The pig managed to run to the next house over and wake the neighbors, who were able to save us and help put out the fire."

"OK. OK. The pig is amazing. But why the peg leg?" the bartender demanded.

"An amazing pig like this. You can't eat it all at once."

9. Smart Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"That must be a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

10. Mickey Mantle Goes Hunting

Supposedly this is a story in baseball great Mickey Mantle's autobiography.

Mantle, with several friends, was out looking for a place to hunt. They pulled into a farmer's yard, and Mantle got out and went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" Mantle took a look, said "sure," and headed back to the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, Mantle rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. "There," shouted Billy Martin. "I got the cow!"

11. Give The Cat a Job

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted. Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out "Hello! I'd like to apply for the job."

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying "Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file."

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can't possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. "You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy."

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops.

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn't going to give him a job.

"Well, you're an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you're a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual."

The cat stares imploringly into the owner's eyes and says "Woof!"

12. Elephant Memory

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rather than shoot it to get the trophy he came for, the man very carefully approaches the elephant and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot.

The elephant begins to limp away, but then turned and stared at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.

"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

Maybe twenty years later the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it knows him.

The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look.

With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face.

The elephant reached down... picked the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... then throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn't the same elephant.

13. Conniving Canine

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine.

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back !!"

14. Cats According To Dave Barry

Cats According To Dave Barry - Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know."

15. How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.

5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.

Well there you have it. My top 15 favorite animal and pet jokes. I hope you smiled or maybe had a laugh or two. Enjoy your day.