Bill Clinton and the Pope died at the same time and there was a mix-up and Bill Clinton went to heaven and the Pope went to hell. When they were fixing it Bill and the Pope talked for a bit and the Pope said 'I can't wait to get up there, I've always wanted to see the Virgin Mary!' Then Bill Clinton said 'You can just call her Mary now.'

Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot ofvoffice politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James - I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette - My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

MacBeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis - My last boss and I... say, are you going to eat those fries?

Halloween Jokes! - The ghost, the witch and the watchmaker.


What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm

The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting Halloween Jokes from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great Halloween jokes. In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some Halloween jokes and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.

Funny_Trick_or_Treat_Ghost

Halloween knock-knock joke…
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
That’s all right ... don’t cry.

Q: Where do ghosts mail their Halloween greetings?
A: At the ghost office.

Q: Why did the witch put her broom in the wash for Halloween?
A: She wanted a clean sweep.

Q: What do you do when 20 zombies surround your house?
A: Wish them happy Halloween and give them candy.

Q: How does the witch know if it’s time to go trick or treating on Halloween?
A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q. What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A: Boo boos.

Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving

Q: Why didn't the vampire get invited to the Halloween party?
A: She was a pain in the neck.

Q: What does a baby witch want for Halloween?
A: A haunted doll house.

Q: What do you call ghosts who haunt skyscrapers?
A: High spirits...

Q: Who speaks at the ghost’s press conference?
A: The spooksperson.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the Halloween prom?
A: His ghoul friend

Q: Why does a witch ride a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Halloween Jokes Funny Pumpkin
More scary-licious Halloween Jokes, please

Q: What did the first ghost say to the second ghost?
A: Do you believe in people?

Q. What is a ghost’s favorite ride at the amusement park?
A: The roller ghoster.

Q: What's vampire fast food?
A: Someone with high blood pressure.

Q: What do witches put on their hair to hold it in place?
A: Scare spray.

Q: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
A: Because you see right through them …

Q: What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
A: Dead ends.

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spell-ing

Q: What is a ghost's favorite bird?
A: A scare crow.

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich.

Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
A: Lake Erie.

Hillary Jokes
Hillary Clinton Jokes - Read from Right to Left

Following on the equal humor tradition of the Just Jokes and Humor blog we’ve had Obama Jokes, and now for some Hillary Jokes … that’s Hillary Clinton Jokes for the uninitiated! The first question is obvious … Hillary Jokes? What in the world are Hillary jokes? After all, Hillary Clinton is said to have had her funny bone removed. Ta dum. Not exactly a political jokes or political humor magnate. Uh oh, she’s taking names now!
Hillary Clinton Jokes - Hillary Jokes
As with Senator Obama, the late night talk shows have no shortage of Hillary Clinton jokes. Here is one from David Letterman:

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.”

A daytime Hillary Clinton Jokes interlude:

Q. What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and Pinocchio?
A. One’s a puppet? Good guess, but nope. With Pinocchio you can see when he’s lying.

Back to late night jokes, with a Hillary joke from Jay Leno:

"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling. I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy."

Uh oh ... Hillary Clinton touched the third rail of American politics, race. Having done so, she opened herself up to political Hillary jokes about her use of race due to her primary hyperbole against Barrack Obama, after all it was said her main strategy was to use race as a wedge issue scaring the white Democratic party voters. Not a joke, but an un-funny variation on the old racial stereotype that a black person lacks experience and substance and therefore cannot possibly be a leader, like a quarterback. The NFL proved that joke wrong (so did the Fox TV show 24), but un-funny Hillary Clinton joke is that it worked as her share of the white vote skyrocketed after Iowa.

Ok, let's lighten it up with some more bad Hillary Jokes on this theme:

Q. What did Hillary Clinton say to the civil rights marchers?
A. Don’t bother, it was already done by Lyndon Johnson.

Q. What did Hillary Clinton say to the two women who were passing by, one black and one white?
A. Hi ya’all, I have always supported civil rights, I am so energized to see you are integrated ... let's do lunch sometime ... see ya, bye.


Don't worry though the political humor pendulum will swing back left for sure.

Laying aside political jokes and Hillary jokes ... we love Hillary Clinton. How could you not love her? She was the wife of a President, got elected Senator from her home state of Arkansas where she was a law partner at the Rose Law firm … uh we mean her home state of Illinois … uh we mean her other home state of New York. Wow, with that geography, Hillary's home states provide enough electoral votes to make her President.

Jumping on the not really Hillary jokes bandwagon, Hillary Clinton did an interview with ABC's Cynthia McFadden:

McFadden: "Can you control him?" referring to husband Bill Clinton of Monica Lewinsky fame.
Hillary Clinton: "Oh of course".

Uh Hillary, better stick to comedy.

On with some more Hillary Jokes, with some more late night Hillary Clinton Jokes from Jay:

"According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina. And today, she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist."

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!"
"Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying."

The cool thing about quantum theory, is that you can now prove your off the wall theories with science.

For example, if an object travels at close to the speed of light, it actually, physically gets shorter. So if your car is too long for your short little garage, get it up to close to the speed of light, and it will fit in! (Briefly, that is)

But wait! It gets better! Because traveling at close to light speeds also shortens time. In fact, when you get to the speed of light, time stops altogether and then starts going backwards, so that you can get back before you left, and watch yourself going. It's at this point of the discussion that my wife normally goes to make coffee, and she doesn't come back!

You also get all these cool little unseeable thingys called protons and quarks and neutrinos and other particles, and you need a lot of imagination if you want to see them. Believe it or not, trillions of neutrino's are traveling through our bodies, and out vehicles, and our houses, all the time. I thought I felt strange! Sort of holier than thou. But of course you are just as holey as I. Maybe that's why my car rusts so fast.

Kids could use these as an excuse for trashing the family sedan. 'It was terrible Dad! Millions of quarks bombarded the car, and the fender eventually just fell off. I tried to get away, but they are everywhere in the universe!' Who can argue with that? It's backed up by science.

So getting hit into the middle of next week may just be possible. Apparently there are time tunnels from one end of the universe to the other, so that you can get 16.7 trillion light years away from home in about 20 minutes. Only problem is, they are not mapped all that well, so finding the entrance could be a slight problem. Also, if you get a few trillion light years away from earth, and have only taken a light lunch with you, and you can't find the tunnel back, you may get a tad hungry if you come home the long way round.

You may well be asking, how you get up to the speed of light? This is simple. You accelerate to half the speed of light. Then you double your speed.

It's a good thing to learn about quantum theory. Talk about it for 2 minutes and people immediately think you are a rocket scientist. (or they may just think you're mad. Either way, it's great for parties)

Actually, I haven't written this article yet. I've just got up to twice the speed of light, and I can see myself thinking about doing it tomorrow! (And I'm really, really short!)

The price of stamps rose two cents on Monday, but this news has been completely overshadowed by the fact that gas is running at a national average of $3.71 per gallon, which is 35 cents more than it was just a month ago. My initial reaction to this statistic was, of course, "In your face, stamps! I hope you don't want my two cents, stamps!" But then I realized that the rise in price is actually a bad thing, so I apologized to my stamps by mailing a lot of letters to myself. If gas continues to rice 35 cents per gallon each month, that means that one year from now, we will be looking at gas prices of $7.91 per gallon. And what's worse is that we won't just be looking at that price -- we'll actually be paying it. If that becomes the case and minimum wage continues to hover around $7 per hour, a person who makes minimum wage and only works for an hour may very well make a net gross of negative two dollars. That's hard to explain around the water cooler: "Yeah, this week I plan on bringing home a nice paycheck of negative two bucks. I plan on buying a lot of negative things with this money."

Of course, if the trend of gas continues, in ten years we will be paying $45.71 per gallon. At this point we can run around in circles, hoping that this circling motion will somehow create gas, or we can start now to devise a plan for this potential disaster. But not just any plan: this needs to be a plan that takes at least five minutes of thought -- and I believe I am qualified to devote this very amount of time...

First off, ten years is more than enough time to learn how to drive a car while balancing another. The car attached to the roof would not have to spend any money on gas, and if wired properly, would be able to tune into the iPod in the lower car, which will be particularly important in the next decade when iPods are running the country. Or iCountry, sorry. Now, some would say that this plan would make sense if one car simply pulled the other in typical tow-truck fashion. In fact, it is very possible that one car could pull multiple cars behind it, saving a lot of gas money in the process. But the reality is that this would totally ruin the effect of parades because we would become so accustomed to the parade of cars that other parades would not seem like a big deal. Are we really willing to take this chance?

Another plan to save gas money is to simply walk and ride bikes instead, which... oh, never mind, this is America, that will never work...

That being said, one way to normalize gas prices is to create mobile lemonade stands. Granted, this will put the local five-year-olds out of business, but those who can sell lemonade while driving can put that money towards their gas. This would only work, though, if the lemonade can be sold to others while the lemonade car and the customer car are both in motion. This would seem extremely convenient in comparison to traditional drive-thrus, and would also give the lemonade car additional money because of the amount of customers who would yell out, "Keep the change!"

Probably the best way to help the gas situation is to go to gas stations and change their prices on their display boards. A price of $3.71 can be changed to $3.17 within seconds, and a true pioneer could change that same price to $.71. The easy part is the actual number change, which can take place after the station closes using a ladder and one's own hands, both of which can be purchased at a local hardware store. The harder part is convincing the attendant that the listed price -- whether it's $3.17, $.71, whatever -- is the real price. So, go early in the morning before other cars file in, pull up to a pump and then yell out, "Wow, this is the cheapest gas in town! Boy, do I love cheap gas!" Upon being told that the price is a mistake, reply, "So you're telling me that I drove three hours for nothing?" and then proceed by crying using real tears (or leftover lemonade from the aforementioned sale). Gas station attendants are known as people with big hearts -- mainly because they smell gas fumes all day -- so this is bound to work. If not, carpooling is always an option...

Google "What is the average age for potty training?" as I just did, and the first result that comes up is something from the University of Michigan Health System. Now, originally I thought, "Well, what does the University of Michigan know about the toilet?" but then I remembered that is where its most recent football season went. According to an article on the site, the average human is ready for potty training at the age of 24 to 27 months. It is assuring to know that in terms of our own waste, we are only 24 to 27 months behind cats. But that's okay -- we're better than cats in other ways. For example, we can create funny commercials in which we make it seem like cats are singing when in actuality they are not. Yes, we sure do have an advantage over those cats!

Despite humans being ready for potty training at 24 to 27 months, the actual process is not complete until typically 29 months for girls and 31 months for boys. I think the two-month gap is a result of boys trying to potty train while reading newspapers on the toilet, which causes an issue because they cannot yet read. But whether a person is a boy, a girl or a cat -- just stay with me here on that one -- it is not until around age 12, by my calculations, that a human truly learns the importance of washing one's hands after using the bathroom. Originally this notion will be met with some apprehension, especially during the teenage angst years when things such as soap and water are common victims of angst, but most people catch on to the importance and learn to do it without complaining. That is why I am so bothered when I enter a bathroom at a restaurant and see a sign that reads, "Employees: Make sure you wash your hands before exiting the bathroom!"

There are several variations of this sign. When the sign has the word "please" at the end, that usually indicates that the employees must be begged to wash their hands, and that means that I should not order anything that isn't wrapped in two layers of tin foil. This sign is especially troubling when the word "please" is written in a different color from the rest of the sign. This shows that the original sign was not working, and therefore the "please" was added as a last-ditch effort. Even worse is the restaurant that offers incentive bonuses to its employees for washing their hands. I don't know of a restaurant that actually does this, but technically this would be worse...

Any restaurant that has a hand-washing sign is evidently one where the employees and the customers are sharing the same bathroom. This seems like a mistake to me, as it is a clear violation of the employee-customer bathroom code, a code that I am now creating in hopes that it will become a major topic for debate as our presidential race heats up. For example, when a waiter asks me to place my order, I want to know that the waiter was not previously sitting on the same toilet seat that I was. More so, I don't want to know that the waiter even goes to the bathroom -- ever. This is exactly why people go to restaurants: to escape. What's next? When I share a bathroom with a waiter, will he come up to me and say, "So, that one stall is a pain to flush. But I guess you would know that, being you were right next to me a minute ago. So, anyway, would you like an appetizer to start?"

Perhaps the fault of the bathroom hand-washing sign is truly in the hands, pardon the pun, of the employer and not the employees. An employer should know better than to post a public reminder that all customers can see. While these employers are at it, why not add a "No Picking Your Nose" sign or a "Don't Spit on Other People's Food" reminder? On second thought, never mind: these signs might give employees an idea...

Laughter is an universal part of the human vocabulary. Everyone understands it... There are no language barriers. Everyone is born with a capability to laugh. An interesting thing about laughter is that it appears unconsciously. We don't decide to do it... It just happens.

It is known that laughter is triggered by various sensations and thoughts, but the exact brain mechanisms aren't fully researched. It is known that while laughing some changes happen in the limbic part of the brain. While laughing, many parts of our body are active - our facial muscles, muscles of the arms, legs and trunk. Laughter also makes our breathing pattern to change. It has been proved that laughing protects our heart. Studies have also shown that laughter lowers the sugar level in our blood.

They say that laughter is the best medicine. There are a lot of therapies around that use laughter and humor to help patients. Most known therapies are humor therapy, clown therapy, laughter therapy, laughter meditation and laughter yoga.

Many studies have shown that the purpose of laughter is making human connections stronger. Studies have also shown that dominant individuals such as bosses use their humor more often than their employees.

First laughter appears usually at babies who are around 3.5 or 4 years old.

Laughter has many useful benefits that can help people live longer. Here are some:

* Physical relaxation -- Your body sometimes has the urge to laugh or cry... Afterwards, you will feel better.
* Hormones - Levels of stress hormones like cortisol or adrenaline are being reduced while laughing.
* Social angle - If you're a laughing kind of person, everyone will want to hang out with you. That's a fact.

What could be more fun than a rubber duck in the bath tub? All right, you could probably think of more fun things, but you have to admit that rubber ducks are cute and make the world a happier place. But how much do you really know about rubber ducks? Do you know the following facts?

* Most rubber ducks aren't really made of rubber. They are actually made from vinyl plastic--which is apparently rubbery enough to get away with calling them rubber ducks.

* The first rubber ducks probably appeared in the late 1800s or early 1900s. This would have been soon after we discovered rubber and started making wonderful toys out of the stuff.

* Rubber duckies probably became a cultural icon thanks to Sesame Street, when Ernie first sang the "Rubber Duckie" song in 1970. (His rubber ducky squeaked, too.)

* Queen Elizabeth II at one time owned her very own rubber ducky, complete with an inflatable crown. It was probably a gift from her grandchildren. We're not sure if she still has it.

* According to Wikipedia, it's acceptable to spell rubber ducky as "rubber duckie" as well. This may have something to do with the fact that Ernie's rubber duck song is called "Rubber Duckie."

* Rubber ducks have been made in hundreds, perhaps thousands of different styles and colors. There are pirate rubber ducks, pink rubber ducks, Christmas rubber ducks, glowing rubber ducks, flashing rubber ducks, giant rubber ducks, etc.

* There is a listening technique called "rubber ducking." This is where you just smile and nod when someone describes their problem to you. The idea is that the other person will come to the solution on their own just by talking about the dilemma. In fact, some computer programmers have recommended putting a rubber duck or a stuffed bear on your monitor and talking to it when you can't figure something out.

* Charities often have rubber duck races. By making a donation, you can adopt a rubber duck for a chance to win prizes.

* Scientists have indirectly used rubber ducks to learn how the ocean currents work. Back in 1992, thousands of rubber ducks were accidentally dumped from a cargo ship leaving China. For fifteen years, the rubber duckies floated at sea. Some landed on southern shores, while others went north, were frozen in ice for a few years, then broke free and landed in the UK.

Now you can dazzle all your friends with your superior knowledge of rubber ducks! They'll be most impressed.