So, you fell in love with a vampire. Congratulations! Now, here are a few tips and some advice on how to survive the first intimate encounter.

You might be wondering, "How did I get here?" Truthfully, I'm wondering that too, but put that aside for now and look deeply into the mirror. Not at your eyes, examine your neck along the raised lines on both sides that, if you press your fingers to them, will pulse under the pads of your fingertips.

No pulse? You're dead so skip the next three paragraphs.

Pulse feels strong? Excellent! It's time to discuss how to keep it that way. One idea is convincing your vampire lover to not suck on your neck. Alternatively, you might suggest he or she wear tiny silver sleeves over their "canine" teeth. The silver might present a problem, but you cannot be too safe these days.

Another alternative, is wearing some kind of protection. Safe sex is good sex. However, you will need to wear a collar that is bite proof. Check with your veterinarian for something in leather. The styles are varied and attractive. If your vampire is particularly aggressive, a bit long in the tooth, you may want to go with a lightweight chain mail collar.

Silver comes to mind, but your vampire might object, pulling his or her head back and hissing, while glaring in your direction. It is never a good idea to get your vampire too angry, so let's skip silver and try something in stainless steel. The collar may feel heavy, but it will prove advantageous when the going gets hot and it does make a nice fashion statement if properly polished.

Once you reach the point in the relationship when you are willing to touch your vampire, do not be surprised at the complete lack of activity within his or her torso. Remember your vampire is dead. His or her heart stopped beating a long time ago, and unless you are willing to donate several pints of your own blood, he, or she will not warm up very much to your tender touch. Do not let this distract you from the reason you are embracing your vampire. Love is blind after all.

The next issue we want to discuss is fingernails. Your vampire's nails will keep growing as will his or her hair. Your vampire's nails, however, will, under moonlight glow a pale off-white. They will look kind of like sun-bleached bone, opal or an eggshell. Your vampire's nails will grow quickly too, and on occasion you may find bits and pieces of flesh and blood under them. That is to be expected. Your vampire must kill to continue existing, not to be confused with alive. Unless you did not feel a pulse when we began this conversation, you are alive and if you are extremely careful, you may stay that way for years to come.

Your vampire's temperature may present you with a problem difficult to overcome. You see, since your vampire is dead, he or she will feel like a corpse. In fact, I have been told that a vampire's body temperature is very low. This helps them remain stable during the long hours of night when they can spend time outside their hideaway, i.e. coffin. Should you need time to recuperate after a long embrace, do not hesitate to explain to your vampire that the difference in body temperatures requires you to take a breather.

If you are not bothered by your vampire's frigid touch, you may be dead too, so do not worry about the loss of sensation.

Finally, we come to the most important event in a relationship, consummation. All of us know, or should if we are adults, exactly what I am implying. Therefore, details are not necessary. If you want details, go online and give it a search.

Your vampire's take on consummation will be vastly different that yours will be. First off, your vampire is dead, so the necessary body parts will not respond as if he or she were alive. Flaccid comes to mind, frigidly flaccid is descriptively better. And of course, since your vampire is dead, there will be no fluids, i.e. lubrication. Be patient and be prepared and I think the first night together will be extremely memorable.

PS: if you have decided that the life of a vampire is the life for you, introduce the idea to your vampire using caution. He or she, depending on the state of their satiation, might become anxious and drain you dry before recalling your request. Your vampire must not suck you dry, but leave enough fluids in your body than when you bite into him or her in return you have the strength for a successful strike.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Larry_Schliessmann

Writers of funny top ten lists are well-aware that the characteristics of our audience largely determine whether or not a list will be considered funny. Therefore, it seems appropriate to take a brief look at the most important audience characteristic of all: males versus females.

Boys will be boys.

Biologically, men and women have one primary function: reproduction. Although the ways in which we actually conduct our reproductive roles may not appeal to everyone's civilized sensibilities, the following well-accepted facts accurately describe the roles that men and women are instinctively compelled to play.

A man's job is to make sure that his DNA is passed on, by having sex with as many healthy, fertile women as possible. Success is invariably achieved at the expense of other competitors; often, by permanently eliminating them. The unending series of wars which have been going on since the dawn of time has always provided the perfect excuse for this brutal elimination contest.

Since men go through life knowing that they may one day have to take the lives of other men, they instinctively maintain a certain amount of "emotional distance" from others. They are always concerned that rival males will interpret any display of sensitivity as a sign of weakness.

Surprise! Women are slightly more complicated.

A woman's job is to attract the DNA of men who have the power and resources to give her children the best chance of survival. However, Mother Nature has saddled her with an additional problem: although she is always in competition with other women for the best DNA, she desperately needs their cooperation in two important areas.

She must be able to count on them to take care of her children if she can not do so herself. She also depends on other females to give her the emotional support that is generally not available from men.

As a result, women are extremely careful not to offend one another, because they can not risk alienation and possible ostracism by other females. Yet many of these same women are potential competitors; and hence, not completely trustworthy! The upshot is that women go through life constantly analyzing each others' words for any evidence of un-sisterly behavior.

And make no mistake. Whenever women are engaged in the deadly serious business of competing for a mate, their never-ending search for verbal backstabbing is quite likely to hit pay dirt.

If the sandal fits.

Anthropologists agree that men are biologically programmed to take life, almost as casually as they create it. They are highly aggressive, and relatively insensitive to the feelings of others. Men are constantly striving to achieve a position of physical or economic supremacy over the competition, because it's the biological key to attracting the most desirable females.

Women, on the other hand, are far more sensitive, sociable creatures, whose biological imperative is to create and nurture life. They are no less competitive than men, but they chose to use their intuitive grasp of various emotional triggers, and their highly developed verbal skills, to avoid physical combat with each other. Their standard technique is to hurt each other's feelings (which can be devastatingly effective).

Not surprisingly, men's and women's respective senses of humor must conform to their sharply contrasting lifestyles.

You say tomatoes, I say frozen squash.

As we have seen, women are conditioned to carefully avoid the use of obvious personal put downs. The flip side of this ironclad feminine rule is that it's perfectly acceptable to attack anyone who violates the rule! And this is precisely what many women do, whenever comedy writers cross the "Painful Put Down" line.

Comedy writers often violate women's sacred code of communication, by making insensitive remarks about almost everything under the sun. Women generally dislike this type of humor. They spend so much time and energy trying to decode the put downs in other women's remarks, that they just don't care to deal with any more insensitive zingers and hurt feelings when they seek out a little comic relief.

Men, on the other hand, who play a lifelong game of one-upmanship with their male rivals, can never seem to get enough of these hurtful put downs. In fact, the more insulting the punch line, the better men like it. After all, even the most insensitive personal attacks don't seem particularly offensive to men ... when compared to actually killing their competitors!

Research has also shown that men and women are complete opposites when it comes to identifying with the butt of a joke. Men tend to laugh at those with whom they don't readily identify, while women prefer a style of humor that requires them to sympathetically identify with the object of a joke.

What's good for the goose ...

Men like to think of themselves as tough and superior. Therefore, they tend to laugh at otherpeople (with whom they never closely identified anyway). Men especially like insensitive put downs, because they serve to validate their own natural aggressiveness.

Women like to think of themselves as sweet and caring. Because they know from first-hand experience just how deeply words can hurt, they tend to reject humor that hurts other people's feelings. They are much more inclined to laugh at situations; especially those in which they can easily picture themselves.

All of this should serve as a red flag to the comedy writer. And on that flag is the following warning: "Always aim for a carefully selected target audience, because it's devilishly difficult to hit two birds with only one stone."


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Don_G._Asmus

Cultures vary greatly in their perception of what's funny -- you'll realize this if you ever travel to a foreign culture and attempt to translate a joke that works well in your native culture. This fact didn't stop Professor Richard Wiseman (of the The British Association for the Advancement of Science) to attempt to determine what is the funniest joke in the world. The joke would have to be ranked highest among many countries of vastly different cultures.

The project set out a request for joke submissions. The result was 40,000 jokes. The researchers had the jokes rated by a large sample population from diverse areas of the globe. The project was formally called LaughLab.

I've often thought that if mankind ever discovered the funniest joke in the world, he may fall into a constant state of laughter and never regain his composure, possibly resulting in cardiac arrest or asphyxiation. In other words, he may laugh himself to death. I wondered if perhaps an ancient people had discovered the funniest joke, and had determined that it's deadly for people to hear. Maybe it's hidden in an ancient realm -- like the ark of the covenant -- possibly guarded by a long line of comedians. Is it like the DaVinci Code: A secret that mankind was never meant to uncover?

We may never know that answer, but at least we'll know what Dr. Wiseman determined to be the funniest joke across all cultures, Fortunately it won't send you into a deadly laughing fit. According to a multi-cultural sample, the funniest joke is the following:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Soren_Michaels