A bunch of us guys were sitting around the office this morning, on one of our many unauthorized coffee breaks, discussing the more macho topics of the world, including how much tarragon to use in chicken peppercini; how much we adored Winona Ryder in "Little Women"; and whether Bob's sweater went with his shoes. Just kidding. We were talking sports. In particular, Superbowl XLII, where the New York Giants squeaked by the New England Patriots by a score of 17-14. An exciting game, to say the least.

I'd like to congratulate the underdog Giants and to personally thank Eli Manning for reminding me that I have a coronary condition. I'd also like to say that the Patriots put up a good fight, even though Tom Brady was sacked more than the apples at the A&P checkout.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is I like sports, but only to the point to where I'm interested if the local teams are having a winning season. From there, my mind starts to wander.

The reason I'm not an easy-chair-sittin', beer-sippin', cigar-smokin', feet-on-the-Ottoman-restin' sports fanatic stems from my school days and my infinite dislike of gym class.

In school, I was convinced that the cooler you were, the more coordinated you were. I was not cool. I was the one who, when it came time to choose up sides to play games, didn't get picked until everyone else got picked, and that included Bobby Taylor's dog.

Team Captain #1: You've got Megill.

Team Captain #2: I don't want him. I'll take that shrub over there.

(Not what one would call a real confidence builder.)

Gym class was always a nightmare for me. I remember, in junior high school, we were playing baseball and I got stuck out in right field. That's where they always stick the bad players, because it's unlikely that a ball would make it that far. You often see right fielders, out there, playing solitaire on the ground, or cooking a steak over an open flame.

Anyway, it was the bottom of the ninth, two outs and all our team had to do was get this last guy out. Unfortunately, it was Tony DeGrassi, an eighth grade mutant with a pituitary problem who, as you might have guessed, hit a high, fly ball right to me.

In the movies, I would have shown great fear on my face as I stuck my glove in the air, and with beads of perspiration pouring down from my forehead, have the ball land in my glove. Well, that's exactly what I did... except the ball landed ten feet behind me.

The other team scored three runs and won the game. My team showed their appreciation for my vigilant effort by shouting unusual and creative names at me. Many of them not fit for publication in this column.

The scene in the locker room was even more devastating with laughing, more name calling and being on the receiving end of some humiliating towel-snapping. Even Mr. Talbot, my gym teacher, who always used to call me "Magilla Gorilla", joined in the fun. I couldn't have felt any worse.

I did the only thing I knew I could do to make myself feel a little better and justified. While everyone was in the showers, I grabbed as many unlocked combination locks off the lockers, switched them around and locked them.

I can still remember walking down the hall to my next class and seeing Mr. Talbot running down the hall, in the opposite direction, mumbling under his breath and carrying a large set of bolt cutters.

Well if there's one thing in the world we all love is a good laugh. If like I you have a good sense of humor then I'm sure lots of things will make you laugh. But every now and then you come across a really bad joke, yes you know the ones I'm talking about, the ones which make you laugh in pity or pain. Doesn't matter if it's a normal joke or practical joke many of them are just not funny.

These jokes are usually so appalling due to nonsense childish logic, but a few jokes I have come across have also been offensive in some way or another even racist! A classic example of a poor joke is "why did the chicken cross the road" then you say "I don't know why" they reply "to get to the other side" This one like many before it is more annoying than funny. However I'm sure you all know that a good joke can also be a bad joke if it's not told properly. If the joke teller has no timing or stutters halfway through a joke then the listener will lose track and interest and you won't get any laughs. The joke teller has to remain witty, confident and good timing. Some offensive jokes involve lines about being overweight, colored, religion, ginger hair, and rude comments about family members. These are mainly ignored by the most intelligent of the population and never stay in circulation for long.

A great place for telling jokes is the pub, millions of people through-out history have enjoyed many hours winding down their day at such places. As a result the local pub is a breeding ground for jokes, with knew ones being told constantly. So I think that a lot of these bad jokes seem funny in the pub. But the next day are not.

Another kind of the worlds worst jokes are prank phone calls to emergency services. Some small minded individuals often find it funny to waste a fire departments time. This is a big problem for our emergency services and costs a lot of money and more importantly lives. Pretending to have a heart attack or fit is also a bad one, one time they might not be pretending! Toilet humor and bad practical jokes seems to be growing a lot since programs like jackass have come to screen. For instance happy slapping is a terrible practical joke which involves the assault of an Innocent by-stander. This is a disgrace and is by no means funny but still it happens.

So overall bad jokes are everywhere and they always will be, but for every bad joke that's made a decent one will be also. Endorphins are released in our body when we laugh which makes us feel good. So we will always enjoy a good joke. And always hate a bad one. On that note I'll end my article.

I am a self confessed "internet dummy." For years I had been trying, without success, to generate a good online income from recurring subscriptions. Just when I was tearing my hair out with frustration, something extraordinary happened-- I had a vision! I woke up in the morning and suddenly understood everything there was to know about internet marketing, all at once, as clear as crystal. The vision came in the form of Ten Commandments which I take great pride in sharing with you below.

Commandment One

TO SELECT YOUR ONLINE BUSINESS, USE CHANCE

To develop your online business-income please ignore your regular email and go straight to your spam folder. When selecting an appropriate business you should aim for the best and that means spam. Nothing is "over-hyped" in this folder, and you can always rely on the messages being realistic and true. Pick any 15 messages relating to income programs. Write the names of them down in a word document. Blindfold yourself and point at the screen. Which ever one you touch is your program and you can discard the rest and start earning income.

Commandment Two

ONLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SELF

Do not make any contacts with anyone online. To maintain your integrity and independence do everything alone and in isolation as this is the purpose of the internet. New online marketers soon realize that everyone they talk to is an expert. Therefore, by logic, if everyone is an expert then you must also be an expert, so that is why you only tutor yourself and take no knowledge from anyone else.

Commandment Three

NEVER USE YOUR TIME WISELY

The basis of your success online is to be as fresh and alert as possible, and to use good time management skills. The suggestion is to spend one hour sleeping and 23 hours online. This online time should be spent doing practical things that help your automated income business. These activities include watching your favorite movie and video clips, playing solitaire and reading spam emails. Seven minutes a week should be enough time to deal with the other less important issues such as infrastructure development, marketing, networking, training, site-development and planning. Try not to interrupt your online activities with meals. If you must eat then download some simple snack suggestions where you can hold the snack in only one hand, allowing you to type with the other hand. This has the added benefit of reducing any downtime caused by cleaning dishes.

Commandment Four

NEVER PLAN OR EVALUATE

Do not ever draw up a plan or evaluate an outcome .There are many problems associated with plans. They require some form of ACTION to achieve results. But what if no results come? Then you would be worse-off than if you had taken no action because you have wasted your time. And time is your most precious resource. So the solution is to "save time" by doing absolutely nothing. This state of inertia achieved through doing nothing should be highly regarded because it means that there is always the POTENTIAL to do something, but never wasting time doing it.

Commandment Five

NEVER USE LINKS ON THE INTERNET

The great danger with clicking links is that you may be transported to a site from which you CANNOT return. Worse still is the possibility of landing on a link farm. These farms are notorious for capturing online visitors and keeping them against their will. The link farm owners make you work for them by placing you with other prisoners for an indeterminate amount of time. Sadly, you may even be placed beside a dead link, which hasn't yet been removed. This can be a shock and there is nothing you can do to help! You are then used as BAIT for other visitors without fair compensation. This is tantamount to slave labor!

And what about the significance of the link COLOR? Links are mostly colored blue for a reason. Only people whose favorite color is BLUE are likely to click on it. What about all the visitors who have green or yellow as their favorite color, and what about those who are color-blind? You are probably starting to realize that the use of links on the internet could be far more sinister than you think.

Commandment Six

THE ONLY WORTHWHILE ONLINE ADVERTISING IS "WORD-OF-MOUTH"

Classified Ads are useless because as the name suggests they are top-secret, and so people are afraid to read them. Solo Ads are better, but unfortunately they prefer their independence and tend to wander around the internet like a lost traveler. Banner Ads have a lot of EXPOSURE but only seem to advertise banned sites. So the practical means of advertising on the internet is "word of mouth." A good idea is to mention your site name to a family member in polite conversation. But do not give the site ADDRESS to anyone, even to your mother (unless she insists). Follow this rule and I can guarantee your site will remain in almost total obscurity which is perfect because no one will ever be able to criticize your site.

Commandment Seven

HAVE BLIND FAITH IN ALL PAYMENT PROCESSORS

Payment processors are possibly the most popular entities on the internet. To find the most suitable one for your business is paramount. You must only choose those providers that have a solid track record of destroying hundreds of affiliate commissions programs, internet businesses and e-commerce sites through their incompetence. These companies must be doing something right if they are still around. A quick search on "payment processors" should provide you with an ample number of such companies ready to take you on board. In narrowing down your list of eligible companies look for the one which charges HUGE fees for transferring your money. If they charge high fees they must be good. This is a sign of quality. They give you QUALITY and you give them QUANTITY. That way you MUST make your business a success so you can pay the processor fees.

Commandment Eight

NEVER GET CAUGHT IN THE TRAFFIC

Someone on the internet once told me I needed TRAFFIC, and that he would help out by sending me some. All I had to do was pay him. I was very obliged because my car blew a gasket and I had two bald tires. I waited patiently on my porch for 2 weeks but no traffic came. When I contacted him again he told me that without traffic, I would be useless, and that I must target the traffic. He said the reason why I was not getting traffic was that I was not targeting traffic with KEYWORDS. So I decided to act on his advice and made a huge canvas sign and wrote all the keywords on it. The only keywords I could think of were: key ring, locksmith, padlock, keys, and key holder. I faced the giant sign in the direction of the highway and waited for a result. I am sad to say that I still did not receive any traffic so find it difficult to endorse any traffic programs on the internet.

Commandment Nine

TERMINOLOGY CAN BE A STICKY BUSINESS

Here are 5 simple online terms that you will need to use every day:

Bloger: Someone who does their morning jog whilst holding an internet device

Slugs: These are small animals that make attractive marks across your monitor

Spam: A type of dog food, easily downloaded to feed virtual pets

Keyword Cannibalization: A nasty method of devouring anti-vegetarian keywords

Link Bait: This is a type of poison that you leave out for the spiders

Commandment Ten

PLEASE, NO CONTENT

Content is king. Every visitor is looking for quality content. So if it is so good why make it easy to find? Make the content on your site HARD to find. Make your home page BLANK. This will be so different that visitors will be totally intrigued. They will be at a loss as to know how to navigate your site. This will cause frustration, leading to anger. Now you will be set up beautifully for what in the industry we call the "emotional sell.

This sell will be achieved by having a piece of text scroll across the screen with a comment such as "ARE YOU ANGRY YET?" Repeat that phrase in 2 minute intervals with a blank screen in between. Then scroll a text link asking: DO YOU WANT TO BUY ANYTHING YET? If the person is still there, and they are still emotional, and they click the link, you might have a sale. But first you have to ask them what products they would like to buy. For an income generating site is the simplest way to get sales on the internet.

Disclaimer: Please do not take the comments of this article seriously. They are meant as a joke, so please do not try to implement the suggestions.

Mr. Anthony O'Neill M.A., has extensive experience as a CEO and Managing Director of a Wholesale Health Company specializing in health products from India and Great Britain. His career includes 20 years of experience teaching and lecturing in Australia and USA, as well as direct experience as an advertising executive with a national Media outlet. At present he is developing a network of customers to his home income portal site on the internet.

One of my buddies was called in for jury duty. I realize that this is an essential part of a working democracy, but they really don't make it simple for you. You go there, they either pick you or don't pick you. They pick you, you're gone for a number of weeks. They don't pick you, you're screwed. You're back in the pool, waiting for another call.



This makes it tempting to try to avoid jury duty, by pretty much making yourself as unattractive to the lawyers involved. The simple method would be to portray yourself as a racist. You could start the interview by saying you don't like a certain type of person. If that's actually true, knock yourself out. Hate 'em all. Put it out in he open. But what if that is not the case ? You will be on the public record as being a bigot. That might hamper your future political career.



The other possibility would be to appear disheveled. Bad Idea. Ask Nick Nolte.



So here, for your convenience, are a series of tricks you might want to use. These tricks are harmless, as they will not hamper your career prospects. Let's start:



* Tickle the prospective juror sitting next to you. Repeat the operation once in a while. It is very important that you smile like a loving parent, and not look weird or anything. Extra points if you are of the same sex as the ticklee.


* Walk in with the book Bonfire of the Vanities and wear brown lipstick. Extra points if you are a guy.


* Walk in proclaiming "I hope this is for American Idol, 'cos I ain't judging no Canadian Idol."


* Declare you are good friends with Brian Mulroney (Canada) or Scooter Libby (U.S.).


* Tourette's syndrome is your friend.


* Answer questions with your singing voice.


* Every time someone is dismissed, say stuff like "I knew he was no good."


* Use a military Sargent voice. Watch Full Metal Jacket for an example. Learn about terms like reach around. Never laugh. Might require you getting a buzzcut, though, to avoid getting in trouble with the judge.


* Stare at the pretty girl next to you and ask the judge if there is a possibility that the jury will be secluded. Pick a normal looking girl, who may have a chance of getting picked. If she's wearing a swastika or a white hood, change target! She's going for the racist angle, and flirting with a Nazi is just as bad as being a Nazi. Trust me.

Well, the Academy Awards were handed out on February 24th and what a night it was. Unfortunately, I didn't win the award for best screenplay category. (It has been brought to my attention that it is necessary to actually write a screenplay in order to be considered for the award.) Semantics.

Therefore, it is time, once again, to announce the winners of some of the categories that did not receive the pomp and circumstance the more major awards received.

Since we couldn't get Jon Stewart to emcee our ceremonies, I will take over the traditional hosting duties. First, my monologue:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the motion picture industry of whom I have enormous respect. (This is what is known in show business as "sucking up.") What a time I had getting here tonight. It's not like I'm in awe of the stars that I'll be rubbing elbows with tonight, but as it got DeNiro the time to come here, I hopped in my Mercedes McCambridge and drove over the River Phoenix. I was Tom Cruising along, when all of a sudden, I found myself in a Chevy Chase. Just when I thought I couldn't take Demi Moore, I stubbed my toe on a Chris Rock and experienced extreme Allen Payne. Believe me, it is not my intention to Jody Foster this situation, so let's get ourselves into Richard Gere, before they lock me up in a Nicholas Cage. (laughter, applause.)

Our first category is the best picture about Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale. And the winner is "No Country For Old Men."

Next, is the best picture about the capital of Alaska. And the winner is, "Juno." (Oh, come on, someone was going to do it, eventually.)

And now it gives me extreme pleasure to present this year's Lifetime Achievement Award. This year it goes to a gentleman who has been in the movies for over seventy years. He's been in over 500 films, but has never starred in any of them. He's never even gotten so much as a close-up. This year's Lifetime Achievement Award goes to ninety year old, veteran stuntman, "Pops" Flanagan.

(The camera pans upward to a catwalk over the stage and I fire three blanks from a "prop" gun. "Pops" falls forward and lands on a breakaway craps table. He gets up and walks over to the podium.)

POPS: Well, I've been in the business since the 1920's. Before talkies. They coulda had talkies back then, but the directors didn't want you to hear them sissy-boy stuntmen they had back then cry like a little girl when they fell off a horse or somethin'. What a bunch of panty-wastes. Heck, I've been falling off buildings, set on fire, and punched in the face more times than you can shake a stick at. You know all them falls Peter Sellers did in them Pink Panther movies? That was me. You know all that garbage Burt Reynolds used to hand out about him doin' his own stunts? Poppycock! That was me. The only stunts Reynolds ever did was fall in bed with beautiful women. You think he'd ever ask me to do any of those stunts for him? The wuss. Well, thanks for the award, even though I deserve more. (Applause as "Pops" exits.)

Thanks, Pops, nice attitude. And, finally, our last award for the evening. The award for the best movie about a dental technician, just before cleaning a patient's teeth. And the winner is, "There Will Be Blood."

Well, we succeeded in running six hours over. I guess it's time to say good night. So, until next year, remember, "We'll see you at the movies, right after you've taken out a loan to pay for the tickets." (Applause) Fade Out.