Jerry Falwell was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

Clinton asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, 'Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!'

Clinton then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having.'

This legend, the truth of which is not necessarily related to its value, concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: 'Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.'

One student replied: 'You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.'

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately.

He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

'Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

'Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

'But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root(l / g).


'Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

'If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

'But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'.'

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

The Memorial Day weekend is behind us and you know what that means. It means they need to come up with a way to make the Tuesday after Memorial Day a holiday, too. Write your Congressman today, unless he's being indicted for hiring call girls, tax evasion or not recycling.

It also means that if you live in an area where people come to visit for the summer, it's time to put on your smiley faces. As a lifelong resident of the Jersey shore, I know the pain and anguish that many of you fellow residents are going through now that the unofficial beginning of summer is here. I'm talking about the dreaded "Attack of the Killer Tourists."

Take heed. It is up to all of us to keep our senses keen, our eyes sharply peeled and our patience numbed by some controlled dangerous substance, in order to deal with the wrath of this unpredictable visitor.

Now, in defense of the tourist, it should be noted that without them, our economy would suffer and many store owners would be left with a gigantic inventory of animals made out of seashells, tons of salt water taffy made during the Mesozoic era and mountains of "I'm With Stupid" tee shirts.

That is why I'm not dedicating this column to disparage these fun seekers, but to inform the local residents of how to identify and avoid any unwilling contact with them. Here are a few scenarios that will hopefully help you reach a reasonable conclusion, should there be any doubt, that you have encountered one of these out-of-towners.

1. You're driving down the Garden State Parkway (or highway near your area) Southbound, when, in the fast lane, you spot a station wagon, or SUV, crammed with beach chairs, picnic baskets, colorful beach balls, sixty or seventy screaming kids (all wearing Goofy sunglasses) and a woman with a road map, blowing in the wind, yelling at her husband, who is driving, that they just passed the exit they wanted. Warning: Pull over to the side of the road immediately. This guy will probably be crossing three lanes of traffic, in one fell swoop, and attempt to back up on the shoulder, striking several trees and an exit sign, because he can't see out the back window, thanks to Little Alice smearing a Hershey bar all over it. What should you do? Let him do his thing until he is out of sight and then proceed with caution.

2. You are taking a leisurely walk on the boardwalk and you are approached by a middle-aged man. Be careful. Ask yourself the following questions: Is his pot belly sticking out over his neon-plaid Bermuda shorts? Is his pink pique knit shirt stained with chocolate chip mint ice cream? Has his sunburned skin started peeling like an old house? Then you are in the presence of one of them! He may ask you a question like: "Which way to the miniature golf course?" or, "Where can I redeem these valuable arcade coupons?" Your best course of action here is to become one of them. Speak in a loud obnoxious tone and explain that you and Betty and the kids just hit town and that you yourself were just trying to find the "Guess Your Weight and Age" stand.

3. Once again, you are taking a leisurely stroll and you notice someone with a digital camera trying to take a picture of seagull droppings. Casually change your course of direction, before they snag you into taking a picture of them standing next to the sea gull droppings.

These are just a few of the scenarios you may find yourself up against. You may find it necessary to improvise on your own. Just remember, the laugh is on them, because, after all, they do spend nine months out of the year dumping their garbage into our waters and then they spend the other three months, here, swimming in it.

Just one other note: Remember, when you go on vacation to Florida, or the Bahamas, or Hawaii, or wherever, you are the tourist there. So, you will be expected to act accordingly. That means, wear the brightest clothes you can find; when driving, have no sense of direction and drive with your right blinker on at all times and always, yes always, take up two parking spaces.